Saturday, March 25, 2017

The Importance of Communication

It seems so obvious that open communication is key to any successful relationship.   It's the first thing most people will cite when giving advice about relationships.  There's no doubt it is true but let's acknowledge that it is not always easy.  Sometimes communicating the truth or unpleasant news is difficult or uncomfortable.  In my posts I've written about the importance of communication and I try to lead by example, but I have to admit that occasionally I have faltered in this area.

Recently I was dealing with several personal issues that were challenging for me.  As a result of these issues, let's just say my leadership in the FLR lapsed quite a bit and I was more focused on the issues in front of me rather than being the leader.  As a result, there was some strain in our relationship.  Our normal routine began to fade, intimacy took a back seat, and little-by-little Thomas became lapse in his chores.

Something that upset me was that I felt Thomas was not acknowledging the issues I was dealing with or showing concern for me. However, rather than bring this to his attention, I kept it to myself.  As time went by, there was an obvious distance between us and soon my upset turned to anger.  Finally, I confronted Thomas about it.  What I learned surprised me.  All along Thomas felt that he was showing concern.  As he shared examples with me, I could see that he was right.  He was reaching out to me but I was the one shutting him out. He also noticed the distance between us but to him he felt that I needed that distance to sort things out.  What I learned was that he was not happy with the situation either but to him accepting the situation without complaining was a way of supporting me.

What I learned from all of this is that my anger had no real basis.  Thomas was concerned for me and was trying to support me.  It was just not in ways that I expected and in some cases I was not allowing him to support me. Looking back what I should have done was open up to Thomas with my issues and seek support from him, I needed support from him in a different way than what he was providing, but there was no way for him to know that without me telling him.  If I felt I was not getting that support, I should have discussed it with him rather than let it upset me and build to anger.  Had I taken that approach, things still would have been tough because you just can't avoid 'life issues,' but it would have eliminated some of the stress and anger that surfaced.

I am sure many of you can relate to this type of situation.  As much as we know the right things that should be done with communication, the reality of following those rules is much harder, especially when you are under stress or if the communication is on a difficult topic,  When we avoid communication, it often leads to us harboring negative feelings which creates stress and negative emotions such as anger or depression. However, through open discussion and honesty, these emotions can be avoided or short-lived.  The outcome may not always be what you wanted but at least it will give you direction and the ability to move forward.

I am happy to say that Thomas and I are back on track and we did it through open discussion.  There was no arguing or placing blame. It was just two people trying to understand what went wrong and how to correct it.  Through our discussion we acknowledged and re-affirmed that I am the leader in the relationship and he is submissive to me. I believe this positioning helped facilitate the discussion and avoided argument. For example, when I addressed this issue of him lapsing on his chores he immediately accepted responsibility and apologized.

Often times in relationships people never confront each other with issues and continue to harbor negative feelings, which ultimately damages the relationship.  While I may have had a small lapse in communication skills, when I did communicate I was able to get us back on track.  I feel very strongly that the FLR that we have in place helped me overcome this bump in the road and get us back on track quickly.  When I finally came to my senses, I was able to discuss my concerns with Thomas in a very direct manner, with confidence, and in a leadership position.

Three key points that I hope you as the readers can take away from my experience are:

  1) If you start to feel anxiety or stress over something in the relationship, recognize it as a sign that you need to talk to to the person about it, no matter how difficult the discussion. Try not to let it build to something bigger such as anger or depression.

  2) If for some reason #1 above does not happen and your emotions build to something bigger, it's never too late to discuss. It's never too late to get back on track again. The sooner you address the issue the better.

  3) The dynamics of a FLR encourages communication and builds stronger relationships. I hope you can see this from the things I wrote in this post as well as many of my previous posts.

-Mz Kaylee

Monday, March 20, 2017

The Power of Silence

On occasion I will prohibit my husband from speaking unless I ask him a direct question or give him permission to speak.  If asked a question or given permission to speak, he is to be  brief and to the point.  Preventing your husband from speaking is a powerful tool to get him focused on you and to reinforce your control over him and his submissiveness.

There are two situations in which I put this rule into effect.  The first is when I feel he is focused too much on himself.  Sometimes he gets in these moods where he is just whining or complaining or frankly just babbling and I get tired of it so I put the rule into effect.  Ahh...the silence is nice!    When he is silent it helps reset his mood and refocus his attention back to me. It is not easy to be silent and so he has to work at it.  If he wants something from me he has to first decide if it is important enough to bother me with. Then he has to figure out how to communicate it to me.  He may write it down, do some silly gesture, or ask for permission to speak,  It really is quite cute some times.  What I like the most is that when I give an order, he obeys immediately without comment.  He is my speechless slave.  When I talk to him he listens intently and does not comment.  It is so nice to be listened to :).  The forced silence has a wonderful submissive effect on him.

The second situation in which I use this rule is when I want to have fun with him and exert my dominance over him.  If I am in one of my moods where I just want to dominate for kinky fun (and he loves these moods), I may put this rule into effect since it immediately puts him into a listening and submissive mode.  Then it is just me spouting off orders and him obeying.  He becomes so submissive so quickly in these situations.  It's also fun taking him out in public when the silence rule is in effect.  The dynamic is so much fun at a restaurant when he can not speak and I must order for him and take care of everything with the waiter/waitress.

I typically only keep this rule in effect for one day.  Sometimes I may enforce it for the whole weekend or several nights during the week to get him refocused.  There are a few exceptions that I allow.  He can communicate with the kids, but only if there is a need or they engage him in conversation. If friends or family come over, the rule is relaxed temporarily. Otherwise, he is expected to be silent.

I encourage you to use this technique in your relationship.  I think you will like the results.

-Mz Kaylee.

Wednesday, March 15, 2017

Happily Surprised

I am thrilled to share the post below from Jessica, who has been kind enough to share her experience and thoughts on taking the lead in her marriage. Special thanks to Jessica for her willingness to share and for taking the time to write this post.
-Mz Kaylee

I have commented before (somewhere) on this blog that I have been surprised by what I have come to see increasingly as a "lifestyle".  I feel like it is a bottomless and often very exciting sort of "pit".  For me, though it still feels quite new, I am continually amazed by how deep and powerful it can be.

It is no secret to my friends (or past boyfriends) that I "wear the pants" in my marriage.  Since high school I have always been a bit "brash" and never really hesitated to take the lead in directing boys.That part of things is just in me I guess.  Probably like many women I preferred to be leading things a bit and I usually found boys pretty easy to "direct".  I don't think, however, that I thought a whole lot about it and even though I was "dominant" I sort of thought that's how things were.  I did not think of "deepening" that natural dynamic much.  I played around with guys a bit but I never gave the apparent fact that I could be dominant when I wanted much thought.

I was intrigued when I came across images or stories of "dominant women".  Occasionally I'd see a movie or a show where a dominatrix was portrayed.  When I lived in the City I recall seeing advertisements in tabloid-like papers for "mistresses" or dominant women for men.  I remember sitting in a coffee shop with a girlfriend one day as we flipped through the papers and I was amazed at just how many advertisements there were!  Obviously there was a big market for dominant women to engage with submissive men.  Lots of the themes seemed to be about "punishment" or "control"and having a "mistress" who directs you.  This was all very interesting, though at that point I think I still thought of it as a sort of "fantasy play" that some people were very in to.  It interested me a lot but I did not think of it as much more than just fantasy.

The Internet has been a virtual treasure for me.  I am sure I would not be where I am in my marriage right now without it. I don't know that I would have taken the time or known how to go find information without it.  When I began to look for information, of course a lot of odd or fake material would come up. But here and there (as in with this wonderful blog of Mz. Kaylee) I found things that were quite obviously real. I found terms like "female led" or "wife led" rather than just "dominatrix".  I'll never forget reading some story on the net from some "Plain Jane seeming" lady who was from the mid west and simply directed her husband in all their affairs - in and out of the house.  I was intrigued by it.  

I guess what has begun to intrigue me most is how visceral and real it can be.  I think there are some men who need/want and  are simply more comfortable being "under" a woman.  It can take a bit to have him know that or "fess up" - maybe that is because he feels he is not "supposed" to be that way.  I am increasingly thinking this is a kind of energy and dynamic that cannot be  denied - maybe it is biology...or part nurture...but I have been stunned by how real and deep it can be.  It can afford a very deep kind of intimacy and vulnerability I think.

If someone had told years ago that upon marriage I could put my husband on an exercise cycle, have him do 95% of the household chores, direct him on eating and diet, maintain full control of finances (yes, now including his paycheck), control the sex 100%, always be orgasmic, have oral sex be received on demand, be the sole final decision maker on vacation plans and all other social plans, be served meals in my own house - and have my husband be a willing and very excited happy participant in all of it ---- I would have said no way!  I guess that is what is most amazing - how excited (yes, even thrilled at times) he seems to be to do things for me and make me happy. It seems I am "feeding him" by "allowing him" to do so.  Wild.  

The sexuality is a whole other domain.  I cannot imagine going this emotionally deep without the dominant dynamic. Maybe some people can but for me it is hard to fathom.  I have found deeper and deeper levels of connection and need and vulnerability.  I hope this does not offend anyone, but there was a time I thought the notion of someone "belonging" to someone was a bit much - even in marriage or long term relationship.  I now do feel that I "own" my husband.  I do feel he "belongs" to me - yes in the full sense of that word.  However, I also recognize that with that power comes responsibility and I hope I do not take it for granted.


Friday, February 24, 2017

Elevate Your Dominance / Strengthen his Submission

Something that has been fascinating to me is how the 'power' or control in my marriage has evolved over the years since we began our FLR.  When a couple embarks on a FLR it is not as simple as flipping a switch and everything changes.  It is a journey where both parties evolve and work at figuring out the right balance of power and control. There are varying degrees of power; the right balance is different for each couple and I have also discovered the right balance changes over time.

Thomas and I were married for many years prior to experimenting with FLR.  In those years, our marriage was clearly a marriage of equals.  Neither one of us was more dominant than the other in the marriage.  Thomas was the one who brought the FLR concept to me.  At first it was fun and fantasy play for me.  Thomas probably took it more serious than me.

At that point in time, I did not feel any change in control in our marriage because it was just fantasy play to me.  However, about a year or two later, there was a difference.  The fantasy play evolved into something real. I had clear expectations for Thomas and there were consequences for him if he did not meet them or if he disobeyed me. One day, Thomas confessed to me that he felt my control over him was real and that he no longer felt we were in a marriage of equals. This confession was strange to hear but he was right.  I had clearly taken the lead in the relationship and had power over him. It was not tremendous power, but it was power.  I'd say it was about a 60/40 split.

If it was up to Thomas, the power would have been shifted much more in my favor but I just was not ready for that.  However, over time I grew as the leader and became more confident in my dominance. My expectations for him became even greater and my influence over him grew.  His desire to serve and please me grew.  I became the final voice in decision making and there was a growing expectation that he ask me for permission to do things.  The power shifted again...60/40, then 65/35, and even higher now.  The numbers are somewhat arbitrary but the point is that my power over him has grown stronger over the years.  Likewise his submissive desires are stronger and his desire to serve, obey, and please me are much greater than when we first started our FLR. It is a thrilling evolution that we both find exciting.  In the early years there was a lot of learning, trial and error, and even conflict to achieve the power dynamic.  However, at some point it turned into a natural evolution for us.  Probably around the 65/35 mark, the power exchange just took on a life of its own and grew naturally.  Perhaps it was because of my new confidence and comfort in the leadership position or maybe it was because Thomas became comfortable in his submission and became so in tune with me that he knew the right ways to serve and satisfy me and therefore his submission evolved even more.

There are many factors that created the power dynamic in our relationship. The most influential factor was me taking control of his orgasms.  Men think about sex pretty much every day and so when you take control of their sex, you become their central focal point.  When they know they have to satisfy you in order to earn an orgasm, you gain instant power over them. Another influential factor was punishment and discipline.  When you punish a man, he learns that there are real consequences for his actions and disobedience.  When he accepts the punishment, he is acknowledging your authority over him. This is incredibly powerful.  The first time I punished Thomas I felt like it had a tremendous psychological effect on him. It really hit home to him hat he was beneath me in the hierarchy of authority and power. Regular discipline sessions also added to my authority. This was another one of those activities that at first seemed silly and more fantasy play to me.  However, after a few sessions, they began to take on a more serious tone. I used these sessions to set expectations for Thomas for the week and to review his performance from the previous week. During the sessions he was always in a submissive position to me, either over my lap, kneeling, or bent over. My discipline sessions do not involve beating him.  I use a riding crop but there is more talking and discussion than spanking.  The spanking is just to reinforce my points and to emphasize my authority.  The repetitiveness of doing this on a regular basis reinforced the submissive/dominant bond between us. The more I disciplined him the more obedient and submissive he became.

There are many other subtle and no so subtle actions that shifted the power in my favor over the years but I think orgasm control and punishment and discipline were the most influential.  These are my observations now as I look back over our relationship and how it has evolved. I had no idea the effect of these things while I was doing them.  It is fascinating at how it all flows so naturally for us now.  My husband's natural reaction is to look to me for decisions and I don't think twice about ordering him to do things for me when I need something or correcting him if he is not meeting my expectations.  I don't think either of us can even imagine being in 50/50 relationship.

Something I have learned is to not underestimate the mental/psychological aspects at play in a FLR. There are many small actions that influence and impact the mind including the words you use, visual cues, and physical actions..  The more you can understand these actions and their effect, the more effective you can be as the leader, not only in influencing your husband but also in creating a thrilling and fun experience for him.

Sunday, January 15, 2017

Taking A Fresh Look at your FLR

The beginning of a new year is a time when many people set goals for themselves and strive to make positive changes in their life.  It is also a good time set goals for your marriage and how you can positively improve upon your FLR.  Or perhaps you are not in a FLR but have been thinking about it.  Why not give it a try in 2017?  At the end of 2015 I wrote a post about setting goals for your FLR in the new year. I re-read the post last week and thought it was still very relevant for 2017.  I've already begun to think about it in my marriage.  I encourage you to read it and act on it.  Below is the link. Here's to a great 2017!

-Mz Kaylee

Thursday, January 5, 2017

Hen pecked husband versus Submissive Husband

A recent post on the I'm-Hers blog posed the question of what is the difference between a hen-pecked husband and a submissive husband.  This is a great question to think about.  I believe there are two big differences: 1) perspective and attitude of the husband and wife and 2) the consequences of obeying or not obeying the wife.

Many of the readers who commented on the post mentioned item 1 above. I'd like to dig deeper into this thought.  In my opinion, the perspective of the hen pecked husband is that he is following orders because that is the role he fell into in the relationship.  He is obeying simply to follow orders and maybe keep peace in the house. He may or may not be happy with this.   I think many men are perfectly content in this situation.  There are probably also men who do not like  being hen pecked and feel nagged and are unhappy.  I would imagine the wife in the hen pecked relationship feels a bit frustrated as she has to constantly tell her husband what to do.  The consequences of the husband obeying is that he keeps peace and avoids more nagging, at least until the next thing comes up.  If he does not listen to the wife, then there is probably even more nagging which may lead to arguing and yelling.

In a FLR, the submissive husband takes pleasure and enjoyment in serving the wife.  He wants to please her and wants to treat her like a queen. An order from his wife is not seen as nagging.  In fact the submissive husband enjoys being given orders. The submissive husband obeys to please his wife and not simply to keep peace.  The wife in the FLR also takes a different approach.  The 'nagging' wife is more reactive to things whereas the FLR wife is thinking ahead and setting ground rules and expectations for the husband so that she does not have to nag him about things. If the submissive husband does not follow her orders, he is punished or disciplined.  In most cases, the husband knows he is wrong and feels bad about not obeying. There are also positive rewards for the submissive husband for obeying the wife.  When she is pleased, he is happy and she may also decide to treat him to some fun teasing or an orgasm for good behavior.

A change in perspective can make a world of difference in a relationship. It's not easy to make that change but if you can do it, it can be a life changer.  One of the great things about FLR is that it creates fun and excitement out of everyday chores and tasks.

Please share your thoughts on this topic and I encourage you to visit the I'm Hers blog and contribute to the discussion there.

Thursday, December 15, 2016

The "Come Here" Technique

This topic is on the fun side of things.  There is common advice published for men that tell them how to find a woman's g-spot.  Basically you put your finger inside her sex and then bend it forward like you are gesturing for someone to 'come here.'  I have discovered that this technique can also be applied to men to drive them wild.  Perhaps some of you already know this but it was new discovery for me and so I thought I'd share it.

Sorry to get vulgar here but it is the only way to describe it.  You want to start with your finger pressing into the edge of his anus or right on the rim.  Then make a long "come here" gesture with your finger, going all the way from his anus to the base of his balls.  If you do this while he is fully aroused, it will feel good for him. There are many ways you can experiment with this gesture.  You can do shorter gestures, starting just behind his balls or midway between the anus and balls, and doing a short come here gesture pressing into balls (hooking them with your finger at the base). I find quick short strokes are a great tease.  You can also apply different pressure - use just your finger nail with light or moderate pressure or use the tip of the finger and press hard. You can press pretty hard in this area and it does not hurt. In fact, he may like it better that way.    I've also found it to be a great tease to just press with your finger in various spots. You can follow the same path from the anus to his balls but instead of flicking your finger, you are pressing firmly and releasing over and over again as you move along the path.

Using just this technique alone will make him feel good but usually is not enough to make him orgasm because there is no pressure on his cock.  I like doing this in between teasing his cock. I will tease his cock and get him to the edge, then I will lightly caress his balls and then move down beneath to do the "come here" technique. This allows him to come off the edge a bit but still keeps him aroused.

Now if you really want to drive him insane, use one hand to do this technique and use the other hand to simultaneously hold his cock firmly or stroke his cock.  Just a warning that he probably will not last long.  You will bring him to the edge very quickly if you do this and it will be very hard for him to hold back.  I find it quite fun to do this when he is super aroused and then tease him about how weak he is because he can only last a few seconds before begging for release.  If you want to give him a mind blowing orgasm, then use this technique and when his orgasm starts keep going but apply very firm pressure underneath  during his orgasm. He will have a very explosive mind blowing orgasm.

For those of us that have an orgasm control regiment, this type of orgasm is not something that would be usual.    I allow my husband just a few orgasms a year and sometimes they are even 'ruined' orgasms.  However, once in awhile I do like to allow him a really good one.  It is a nice reward for him and lets him know the incredible pleasure I can bring him if he does an excellent job pleasing and serving me.  You have to dangle that carrot every now and then to keep him motivated.  For the other times, I use the technique just for fun erotic torture.  It is a nice quick way to bring him to the edge.  Enjoy!

-Mz Kaylee.