What is at your core? Deep down within you, what are you like? Are you kind, loving, cruel, selfish, jealous, or caring? These are the attributes that affect your relationship the most. Whatever your feelings are deep down, will shape your relationship, no matter what type of relationship you have. One of the comments that took me by surprise in one my previous posts was the presumption that I was being cruel. The thought of being truly cruel to anyone, let alone my husband is foreign to me. I can be cruel in a fun, sexual way, but that is not what we are talking about here.
I suppose someone who does not know me personally could easily draw that conclusion from reading some of the things in my blog. After all, a FLR does not follow typical rules. To me the rules and protocols seem so logical because I've been ingrained in a FLR for so long. However, if you step back and look at the dynamics of a FLR with fresh eyes, there are many things that seem unfair and could be seen as cruel. Who would guess that a man wants to have a strict wife and wants to be punished and disciplined? Orgasm denial - totally does not make logical sense to both men and women until you experience it and start to understand the dynamics behind it. It is not all intuitive, which perhaps is why many people do not give it a try.
In a FLR, the woman holds a tremendous amount of power. The mental aspects of a FLR are very strong and in essence she is playing with the man's mind quite a bit. There most definitely is some manipulation involved in a FLR, but then again I believe that exists on some level in any relationship. It's just more prominent and purposeful in a FLR. There is great opportunity for the woman to take advantage of the man in a FLR. There are many times where I have used my sexual power and knowledge of his weaknesses to take his mind into subspace. When he is there, he will do anything for me. He is a toy for me to play with and trust me, I have fun with him. I often push his limits when his in that state. However, he gets a rush from this as well. He is thrilled to experience this subspace world and excited at being manipulated and having his limits stretched and challenged.
In this heightened situations, your core values come into play. If the woman is a cruel and selfish person, then the FLR is going to be rocky and probably not last. If that's the type of person you are married to, then it's not the FLR that is the problem. The problem is the person you are married to and no matter what type of relationship you are in, you are going to have troubles.
Because Thomas and I trust and love each other, we can enjoy the thrill without worry. When all is said and done, I have to live with him the next day and for the rest of my life. I would never want to harm him.
At the core of your relationship you need love and trust. Elise Sutton is one of my favorite authors on Female Authority and she describes it as Loving Female Authority. I've always thought that was a great perspective and a great way to label the label the relationship. Perhaps we should start referring to FLRs as LFLRs - Loving Female Led Relationships, to emphasize the importance of love in the relationship. If you do not have love, trust, and good intentions in your FLR, then it is a recipe for disaster and probably will not last.
-MzKaylee
How you and Thomas live your lives is your business. It harms no one, and clearly you both benefit or you wouldn't be doing it.
ReplyDeleteI know that you addressed the question ("What is at your core?") to women, but it is a good question for men, too. Without getting into details, I was not my best self before we took this path. Now, I am.
Hi,
ReplyDeletethanks a lot for your article. It is like a new breath of fresh air on the whole topic. I fully understand your concerns and I agree with you. One thing I have learned from the kink comunity is that many do the same thing but for different reasons. So to me the important and final questions are the "why?"and "what are the core values?".
I describe myself as a "full switcher" (Sorry, I don´t know another name), that means I not only switch between dominant and submissive but also between kink and vanilla, depending on my actual mood, desires and needs. I am this way do to my personal core values that are "Romantic love, sex, friendship and pleasure" and not domination, control, submission, etc,....To me that means that every kind of kink and/or vanilla play, session or lifestyle is a "way" that has to lead to my core values, my core values are my "why?".
In my opinion the "why?" and "core values" are very important to get clarity about what is going on and to which direction is this leading. There is huge difference if a wife/dom puts him in a chastity device because she wants to have all his sexual energy used for sex with her instead of being wasted through masturbation, OR because she finds cocks and male sexuality so disgusting that it has to be locked away for as long as posible. There is a big difference if she uses a chastity device as a symbol of ownership because she loves him so much OR as a reminder of his worthless slave staus. It is a big difference if somebody is submissive because that person loves and cares for a beloved one OR because that same person feels worthless and sub-human.
One thing I really don´t like about the modern day femdom is that I often find it hugely unromantic, asexual and male-negative, often like a expression of hardcore man, cock and intercurse-hating-femenism covered under the excuse of "kink play & lifestyle" and "dominant personality". Great examples of the femdom orthodoxy of today is the long-term chastity, sissyplay, emasculation, cuckolding, no intercurse, no orgasm just milking, etc, etc,..
Don´t understand me wrong if it is just a session for fun than it is nothing wrong with it. But when it becomes a lifestyle it worries me quite a bit and then I begin to question the whole relationship and the personality and reasons of the involved persons. I know that it is none of my business what people do with their privates lives but for the sake of all people interested in femdom, I think I have to speak up because it worries me that this kind of femdom is becoming the "whole standard" and that there is "no place" for other kinds of femdom. The whole comunity should point the fact out that there are other kinds of "legit" femdom-styles. I think that way becasue I am having a hardtime finding romantic, male- and sex-positive femdom and I think we need much more of that. What do you think?
Take care! Bye!
Thank you for your comment. To me, the term femdom relates to kink play and what you see on porn sites. Whereas FLR or WLM are terms the focus on the lifestyle. Unfortunately, many people think that what is on the porn sites is the way a FLR should be. I agree with you that it is concerning when people go down that road. As you indicated, these things are good for fun and fantasy but not for a long-term relationship. A relationship is not healthy or sustainable if one partner is viewed as worthless or constantly treated with disrespect.
ReplyDeleteHowever, I do not agree that this is becoming the "whole standard". Femdom porn has been around for a long time and it has always been a struggle to get people to understand that the porn view is more fantasy and not reality. The good thing is that with so many blogs and forums on the topic, there is a growing number of people talking about the right things and changing that view. I also think some of the orthodoxy you mentioned above can be incorporated into a FLR in a loving way that strengthens the relationship so I would not write them all off as bad. It all does come down to what is at your core. You have to really love and care for each other to make it work. Thanks for bringing forth your perspective on this topic. I hope more people comment on it.
Thanks for your replay! I am really happy that you are seeing the "whole standard"-femdom changing, because it has started to scare me a bit. I have readed a lot of books, blogs and Tumblr´s about femdom/flr written by women and too much is written about emasculation, cuckolding, forced bi-sexuality, intercurse denial, permanent chastity, sissification, etc,..
DeleteIn real life I see myself able to be in succesfull, long-term, loving and romantic relationships with different kind of women (Vanilla, Sub, Slave, Kajira, Odalisque,..), and like in Submission, I also see in Femdom a huge amount of potencial for love,romance, pleasure, fun and eroticism, and I also fantasize a lot about it. But in real life I don´t see myself being together with a dominant woman/dom/mistress. Why? Because of what I often read about femdom, somehow I see myself starting as a beloved and respected husband, then getting "brainwashed" and my "limits pushed" and finally ending as a "pathetically happy" but totally broken, humilliated and emasculated male-maid. Locked in permanent chastity and denial, without ever having anykind of intercourse and whose "tasks" as husband has been transfered to her Bull because cuckolding is "very important" for a femdom relationship. So...no thanks! I am no interested to be "loved" that way! I know that I am maybee exagerating a bit but I think you understand what I mean.
But I also want to say that if a couple is happy with that kind of relationship, than great for them and go for it! But I believe that it is wrong to present that way of femdom/flr as the "only and right way" and that freaks out a lot of couples. I think that other "schools" of femdom/flr don´t get the deserved attention and that would definitely get more couples interested in femdom/flr and other kinks in general, for the benefit of the partner and the relationship.
"Because of what I often read about femdom, somehow I see myself starting as a beloved and respected husband, then getting "brainwashed" and my "limits pushed" and finally ending as a "pathetically happy" but totally broken, humilliated and emasculated male-maid."
DeleteTHANK YOU for saying that.
I've had the exact same reaction to the FLR blogs I've been reading. In many cases, the women come off as gleefully sadistic in and deriving immense pleasure from beating their husbands. It may be what was agreed upon, but when I read it, I feel hatred and emasculation. What started out as a turn on and an erotic interest has ended up making me feel awful and turned off by the whole thing.
In saying that, I'm not passing judgment on this particular blog. I've seen more kindness expressed here than elsewhere.
Anonymous,
Deleteand I thank you for answering, it feels good to know that I am not the only one who thinks that way. Yes, I understand that reaction of yours I also often have that impression.
To be a bit more specific, here is one of the quotes from what appears to be a popular FLR blog (strictjuliespanks) where she purports to TEACH women the "proper" way to beat their men "safely":
Delete"Don't be concerned about the sounds that come out of him. You can easily smack him hard enough to get a spine-curdling scream from him without injuring him. This has happened many times with me. It sounds like you're killing him, and he's just fine as soon as the beating is over. Just something you need some experience with.
I personally like beating him until I see some bruising. Red is not even in question: he should be deep red. Beat him until you see him really sweating. If he is not stinky and sweating, you are not going hard enough. There should also be tears in his eyes. It's not that he cries exactly, it's more like the pain is just so great that the tears leak out on their own.
For a proper beating, keep at it for at least thirty minutes, something around 300 strokes or so should get the message across.
You need to get him past the first 100 or so, after that he numbs up a bit and can take the strokes easier, but that is where the strokes that will cause him the deeper, longer lasting soreness will be doled out, so don't skimp on these if you would like to see him in discomfort for the rest of the day, and maybe well into the next, which is fun."
Can't you just feel the love? It's palpable.
Hi Anonymous,
Delete"Can't you just feel the love? It's palpable." Hahahahahaha, just a great sentence by far, bravo!
Yeah, I have watched the blog of that woman and it is really, really scary. But the sad thing is that a I am not surprised at all because I read that stuff very often in different femdom/flr blogs.
Look at this one:
http://missnienke.blogspot.co.at/2014/01/some-golden-rules-for-dominant-wife.html?zx=85e29bd3280f4555
Specially the points 3,5 and 7 are really bad.
But this post from the same blog is by far the worst one:
http://missnienke.blogspot.co.at/2014/01/the-importance-of-cuckolding.html
So, what is the lesson of all that? Unless you find a dominant woman who is truly positive to romantic love, sex, your penis and masculinity, you should keep the femdom just for your own fantasies. In real life as a man you will be in a much better situation with a woman that is a service top, vanilla, submissive or a slave.
Take care! Bye!
Wow. That blog is really hateful and profoundly awful.
DeleteHere is another post about "Sensual Femdom", this one is much better and goes into a much better direction.
Deletehttp://fortheloveofdominance.blogspot.co.at/2011/09/what-is-sensual-domination.html?zx=747a81c9c61dd0d7
I agree. Much better. Not soul crushing like the others.
DeleteI would guess strictjulie is a sadist, which is a whole different world. This is not the type of blog that should be used as advice for a FLR. From the little bit that I read, her blog is a kink blog and I even wonder whether some of it is embellished. Many men enjoy this type of treatment (pain and humilitation/degradation) as kink play, which is fine if both partners consent and it is done safely. I am not so sure that she is safe. I incorporate some humilitaion pay in my relatiosnhip every now and then, but it really is fun play that we boh enjoy and not meant to be serious.
ReplyDeleteYou certainly do not want to build a relationship solely on kink play. It is important to pick the right person to be your partner. You should not be picking your partner based on kink but instead it should be based on compatability and then kink can follow.
There is a tremendous amount of advice on femdom and FLR. Some good and some bad. Even the good advice may not be rght for you. My philosophy is read as much as you can and then hang on to the information that strikes a chord with you or appeals to you. Every thing else can be ignored(or used for a good laugh). However, one thing, I have learned is that people evolve as they explore this lifestlye. Some things that seems strange at first may eventually be a turn-on later down the road. Always keep an open mind.
It's tough to sift through what's good and what's bad, what's real and what's embellished. That strictjulie excerpt I quoted above was reprinted in "someonesgonnagetit" and passed off as an actual instructional piece. I actually pushed her to describe how she ensures her husband's safety because she ignored that entirely and encouraged women who may not be experienced to jump right into extremely harsh scenes without saying much of anything about safewords, becoming skilled at reading a subs psychological and physical condition, or risks. I thought it was somewhat irresponsible to present the piece that way.
DeleteAfter reading dozens of these blogs, I think my "kink play" has to remain "kink play". I have strong, pervasive, and life long submissive fantasies. Nevertheless, when I see how you all do it as an actual lifestyle, it provokes unpleasant feelings.
I think there's a huge difference between periodically (even frequently) role playing fantasies and then making it a 24/7 proposition. Even the more "well intentioned" blogs have a patronizing and demeaning tone to them that bothers me, although I accept (on an intellectual level) that some guys like it. For me, it would be too demoralizing, and would gut my self esteem. I suppose that is a useful lesson to have learned from all of this reading.
Terrific post. For me it was odd to fully comprehend how much power and authority I could have. Once the eroticism is fully engaged it seems anything is possible. I am coming to believe that this is sometimes a very deep sort of need and drive. I think the possibilities are really amazing at times.
ReplyDelete