Thursday, June 15, 2017

What is Your Ideal State?

I will have the next part of "The Busy Dominant Wife" published soon.  In the meantime I would like to hear from each of you on what is your ideal FLR state?  I wrote about this in my last post and described my ideal state.  Remember that it is not your fantasy.  It is a realistic state in your FLR based on your current situation, which takes into account both your needs & desires and your partner's needs & desires.  The ideal state can change and evolve over time.  If you have a desire to achieve a certain ideal state over a longer period of time, that is fantastic.  If you'd like you can describe your current ideal state and the ideal state that you hope to achieve in the future.

I would love to hear from both Woman Leaders and male submissives: What is your ideal FLR state? Are you currently in that state? It will be interesting to see if there is a difference between Women and men (please state if you are M or F if it is not obvious from your name).

-Mz Kaylee


  1. Hi,

    I love your blog not really because of how you write but what you write about. I feel you get stuck too much and my suggestion to you is just write like if you were talking, don't over think it, and you will be able to produce content like crazy because you are super smart and really always have what to talk ABOUT but just seem to get stuck all the time, which KILLS the blog because you are silent most of the time.

    OK, that was my bold, honest opinion.

    About this post, I think the ideal state in a Femdom marriage is one where most of the time people are acting just normal... very vanilla... BUT with the CLEAR understanding of the Woman being dominant and the male being submissive to her.

    Let's put it this way. Imagine going back in a time machine to the times when slaves existed, legally and for real. Would you be a JERK with your slave and treat them like garbage? Of course not! So why do people assume that if you have a submissive (or slave) or many in Femdom you have to denigrate them, whip them all the time etc.?

    On the contrary, I think not wearing leather but what you would NORMALLY wear, not acting weird but how you would normally act and just being yourself but WITH CLEAR ROLES is what makes a Femdom marriage if not more "sexy" more real and in the end that "real" feeling makes it in my opinion way more sexy.

    I don't know if what I am saying here has much to do with what you intended in your original question but that is what I think about the "ideal state" for most of the time. Of course, there should also be "some" (not most) of the time, when there are whips, paddles, collars and whatnot. By acting natural most of the time but with a clear Femdom hierarchy the "some" of the times times will also be and feel more real. It becomes a Femdom relationship and not just a game.

  2. Hello Mz Kaylee. Unlike Gigi , I like the plan and structure in your post. I appreciate that your not just rambling about your daily life but rather addressing real issues and giving direction to couples who what to pursue this wonderful lifestyle. However, in describing my Ideal State I would agree with Gigi's comments. I want the real thing, I want to feel her power and authority in every aspect of my life.

    When I read about the life Thomas has with you, I am always very envious but more from a fantasy perspective. I would love for the woman in my life to treat me this way ! I hope that women reading this blog get direction from this post and quickly develop an AUTO PILOT button in their relationship that allows the energy of a FLR to flow and shifts 100% of the effort to her husband. A FLR that requires daily moment by moment planning and effort to satisfy the man's desire for submission is only fantasy play and will not last.

    Ok, what would my ideal FLR State look like? First remember, I am 58 years old and have a very mature perspective . I am engaged to the love of my life. I have desired to live in a FLR relationship all my life but have simply never found a woman that was comfortable in a position of power. I have been very open with my future wife about my desires but I have no expectation that she will ever truly understand . She is very beautiful, inside and out, has a very successful career and extremely independent. She is a modern woman in the truest sense but is still very traditional in her views about the relationship between men and women. In my idea state the focus of our relationship would shift from the traditional 50/50 to 100% focus on her desires and happiness. We both still have very demanding careers but after 5 o'clock and on weekends I would love for her apply all her energy into self indulgence. I want her to feel completely free to enjoy life to it's fullest and know that she is not restrained by our relationship but rather empowered. I want her to truly understand that I find happiness in serving her and have confidence that it is not selfish to expect that her desires be met. In my perfect FLR State the very idea of her taking part in household responsibilities like Landry and cleaning would seem ridiculous . I simply want her to embrace her power as a woman and enjoy the the tremendous rewards that will comets a result. I want her power and confidence to radiate beyond our bedroom and become part of her everyday life.

    Thank you again Mz Kaylee for taking the time and effort to maintain this blog. I so look forward to each new post.

  3. Gigi and John thanks for your open feedback I appreciate it. I favor quality over quantity when it comes to my blog. It's really not that I get stuck in my writing. I have plenty to write about and it flows pretty good when I write. The challenge for me is that I don't have a lot of time to spend on the writing and while it flows, it does take time for me to write. Having said that, I do recognize the need to strike the right balance between quality and quantity so I am trying to post more frequently.

    Comments and feedback do help encourage me. I have to admit, it's not very motivating for me when I see over 350 views on this post but only the two of you have responded so far. It makes me wonder whether I should continue this series of post as there is not much engagement right now.

    I do appreciate your comments. Gigi - Are you currently in a FLR? If yes, are you currently at the ideal state? I would love to hear more.
    John - I think you have a great attitude. I would just caution that I don't think it is realistic to shift 100% of the effort to the submissive. Every relationship requires work from both partners. However, I love that you want to strive for this. I hope you wife realizes soon that you are a great source of strength and happiness for her and all she needs to do is tap into or feminine power.

  4. Hi,

    No, I am not in a Femdom relationship at the moment.

    You also have to understand that the rate of engagement you get is very, very much related with your OWN rate of engagement as perceived by people which means how often you post. So like, if you post often then you have higher chances of building a community and people see a continuation from day to day of a topic instead of it blurring in the back of their minds (for those that keep returning, but those who keep returning become less and less the less you post so you have a double problem there). Only people who frequent a blog usually post in it, so count out all the people who are first timers or don't usually return... so if you think about it, you are "reaping what you sow" and that is the reason you have low engagement...

    Look, let me tell you something about the quality - quantity balance. You have pretty good quality (or fabulous considering the huge lack of good quality blogs on the subject, ESPECIALLY by Women).
    However, lack of engagement AFFECTS quality not as in making posts less good but by making them less RELEVANT because a blog is not a static but rather a DYNAMIC book. Does that make sense?
    And I think you can very easily write much more much faster if you really just let go, just write... writing itself, in "low quality" if you want takes less than 3 minutes a post probably. For some posts it could be under a minute. All you have to do is trust your intuition in saying "I want to talk about this or that" and trust that what you are writing is OK. Don't over analyze it. In fact, analyze it very, very little if at all. That's how I'm writing this right now. You could say this is a post about posts, and it's happening just like that, I didn't know it would be this a few seconds ago and now it is!

    So I would suggest write about punishment. Or about what I wrote about above answering your question about the ideal state. Or write about how you believe Women are superior to men (or don't believe that). Or write about Wonder Woman! Can you believe no Femdom blog has even TOUCHED the subject of the Wonder Woman movie? I am just coming up with all these things as I type... you know what I mean? Here, what can we say about Wonder Woman? "Isn't it cool that there are role models by Hollywood for Women to see themselves as heroines?" Just keep going...
    Get my point?

    Thanks a lot and I hope this is all helpful. Just believe that it's super, super dumb easy and IT WILL BE. Because IT IS! Just don't MAKE it hard and it won't be!

    1. Gigi, some of your comments are cracking me up. You are so funny. Thanks for your advice. My vision for this blog is more of a resource and less of a conversational type blog mostly because I don't have the time dedicate to it. However, I will try to do a little of both so as not to have too long of a gap between posts. I also invite you to post something on the blog as well. If you are interested please e-mail me

  5. Mz Kaylee
    Your post would lead me to believe you are a professional writer or at least an English major!
    I know it takes a lot of time and I try to make sure you know how much I appreciate every word. I think the comments being down might be related to the time of year as well as the complexity of the request. It takes some serious self examination to define what your perfect FLR state would actually look like plus a fair amount of time to compose it. The task took me a couple of hours and I was holding my breath when I pushed " Publish" in fear that something might go wrong. Lol

    I agree that a 100% shift is not realistic but it seems to me that the biggest factor that discourages women from embracing this lifestyle is the time and energy that is required to keep the ball rolling. Your current series of post is addressing this very issue and I hope women reading this blog will come to understand that when applied correctly an attitude of female authority is all that is really needed to keep her husband motivated. Done correctly a woman can live in a world of domestic luxury just by allowing her husband the privilege of serving her.

    Take care Mz Kaylee..... John

  6. Hello Mz Kaylee. I think it's hard to describe the "ideal state" in the abstract. My wife and I have been practicing Domestic Discipline for about 12 years, and moving toward a Female Led Relationship for a little over a year. The ideal state would *not* be some kind of Femdom fantasy with whips, chains and leather corsets. I certainly don't think that is the ideal state for many women in these relationships. The ideal but *realistic* state for us is more along the lines of she sets rules and establishes expectations, and when I fail to meet them there are consequences that happen on a fairly consistent basis. It would involve her making more decisions on her own without feeling the need to get my buy-in before proceeding. It would involve her having the confidence to be very direct and firm in telling me what she wants. It would involve having a strong set of boundaries and knowing I will be punished if I push them. Beyond that, I can't really describe it.

    By the way, don't get discouraged by the imbalance between viewers and commenters. My own DD-oriented blog gets over 1,000 viewers a day, but over the course of a week 10 - 15 actually leave comments. And, that ratio number has not changed much as viewership climbed from 200 or so, to 500, to 1,000. Posting regularly does help, but not as much as Gigi suggests. I post ver reliably every Saturday, and on those few times (like last weekend) when I was tied up, I always post a notice that I'll be back the following week. I have been doing that for three years. Yet, again, the number of commenters stays fairly constant. I also wouldn't spend a lot of time litigating the issue with commenters who don't have a clue how much it takes to produce content on a regular basis while having a job, family, and other commitments.

    1. Dan - I am curious as to what you see as the difference between practicing domestic discipline and moving toward a FLR? What triggered you/your wife in the last 12 months to evolve towards FLR? Thanks for your insights on the bog. I have read your posts in the past and so I know you are quite experienced in this area.

  7. I have been in a relationship for almost a year, and I have been open with my girlfriend about my submissive feelings towards her. She has recently agreed to control my sexual pleasure and orgasms, but this is all very new to her and I am taking it very slow for I do not want to overwhelm her and I want her to get more comfortable over time.

    My ideal state would have her leading our relationship. I already devote time and energy to pleasing her and making her life easier by anticipating her needs, but I'd like her to take advantage of opportunities to be more directive and exercise more control in an explicit way. I won't be suggesting a lot of rituals or rules, I would just make it clear that she has the final say in the decisions that we need to make together. I will encourage her to let me serve her, to evaluate my performance and give me feedback so that I can continue to improve my service.

    I don't see physical punishment being involved because I just don't think she would ever be comfortable with it, but physical or not if she believes that correction is required I'll submit to it. The threat of her pulling out of the FLR dynamic alone would likely keep me on my best behavior. I have wanted this for so long, I now have a girlfriend who is open to listen to me and try new things out of her comfort zone for me. I am very thankful and I want our relationship to evolve in a way that suits her.

    1. That is wonderful. Keep supporting her and continually give her verbal appreciation for taking control. This will build her confidence. I would also encourage you to share my blog with her so that she can read and learn more about the lifestyle.

  8. I concur with Gigi, and add that there is an ongoing aura of sexuality. That's hard to explain -- basically, I'm aroused by an instruction from my wife, no matter how innocuous. She accomplishes this mainly by consistent orgasm management and through a daily ritual that restates our roles.

    She's not big on toys or leather -- it's all a head game to her. Over time, she's come up with different ways getting in deeper. Few of them involve sex, btw.


  9. What is described about is what I have observed in my husband many times - he gets aroused by instructions from me. Also the "aura of sexuality" being around a lot and being difficult to explain. I do know it has a lot to do with my dominance.

  10. Mz. Kaylee, I too appreciate your wonderful blog. I think your blog is well thought out and offers good perspective. As to the perfect state. For more than 12 years I have been working towards that goal. I will first share where we are, and what yet we need to do. I have no desire to subjugate or humiliate my husband. I do however expect his world to revolve around mine. I am his purpose, nothing less. My happiness is his goal, my satisfaction is his aim. We have gotten to the place that we understand that women were create d with the ability to have multiple orgasms because that is what is intended. A man's orgasm is for procreation only. Now that we no longer want children and our have grown and flown the coop, so has his orgasms during our times of intimacy. For health reasons, I still allow my husband to discharge, but only in a practical, functional way. He derives his pleasure from giving, and provide him that opportunity. It is a perfect match!

    1. Fantastic Katie. I love that you shared that for more than 12 years you have been working toward the goal. Relationships are constantly evolving. It's great to have a goal to work towards. The minute we stop evolving in our relationship is the minute we stop living life to it fullest.

  11. I would echo Katie Christians thoughts. My perspective to an ideal state (for my wife) is one in which her loves, her joys, are met often. That may mean something as simple as me making her coffee in the morning or holding her before we fall asleep. My hope is that she will grow ever more confident in voicing her preferences in order for me to be the one that is able to do my best in meeting them.

    As an aside, the concept of an 'ideal state' has been quite thought provoking for me. It's a simple idea and yet so pertinent to my wife's life - and to my service. Thanks for sharing.