If You Could....The Results are in!

I have finally had the chance to compile all the responses I received from the "If You Could" post.  Thank you for your patience. Compiling the results in a meaningful way took longer than I expected. Some very insightful things came out of the responses so it was worth the work. I appreciate all those who responded. There are many of you whom I can always count on for feedback and comments and you all keep me motivated to write more. It was also great to see in my inbox many new names of people who responded to the post. Your participation made the results more impactful and meaningful. If I did not get a good quantity of responses, this exercise would not have been fruitful so thank you all for participating!

To refresh, here is what was asked:  "If you could have things any way you want in your FLR, what would be the top 5 - 10 things you would incorporate in your FLR?  Please answer honestly without consideration of your current situation.  In other words what is your ideal or fantasy FLR?  " 

I categorized the responses into common categories.  There were 14 categories that had multiple responses associated with them. The chart below highlights these categories broken out further between male and female. I color coded them so that you can easily find the match between male responses and female responses. Text that is highlighted in red indicates that there was no matching response.  Next to each response, I indicated the percentage of people who had at least one response that fell into the category.

What is fascinating is that none of the categories that had the highest response rate for females had high response rates for males or visa versa. In most cases, categories that were ranked high for one sex were ranked low or not ranked at all by the opposite sex. For females, the top responses are focused on the male doing things for the female and being obedient to her. For males, the most popular categories are focused on the male being disciplined, punished, and being controlled.There is some correlation between the two groups, but they are clearly very different perspectives. The female perspective has an underlying tone of the male doing things for the female out of obedience and to please the female, whereas the male perspective has an underlying tone of servitude and wanting to feel controlled and held accountable as a means to obeying the female.

With the differences highlighted by the above chart, one can understand why it is common for people to struggle to find the right balance in a FLR. This exercise demonstrates that for many people, there are clearly two different forces and motives at play in the FLR.

On the positive side there are commonalities between the female and male responses.  In the Medium section of the table (categories with 20% - 30% of responses), orgasm control and oral sex/facesitting were identified by both male and female. In addition, 25% of the female responses fell within the category "Increase control/strict/dominant attitude," which was a category that fell within the High response rate of males. Perhaps these are the things that should be focused on early in the relationship since both the male and female find these important or appealing. I have no problem with more oral sex!

In my own personal experiences and research, orgasm control is a very common and prominent theme in femdom and FLR and so it is no surprise to see that it was ranked similarly for men and women. Men also emphasized more teasing as being important, which I broke out into a separate category.  One could make the case that the teasing is part of orgasm control and so if you group them together, it brings the female and male response rate even closer. I chose to separate Teasing from Orgasm Control in the chart because only males emphasized the teasing, whereas the female responses were about controlling when and how the male orgasmed. I thought this was an important distinction.

Understanding the different perspectives between female and male when it comes to FLR is a powerful step toward achieving a happy and successful FLR. Every couple is different and so it is also important to go even deeper and understand the differences in desires between you and your partner as you embark on your FLR. Once you understand these differences, what can you do?  Below are some thoughts.

For the husband who is trying to introduce his wife to FLR:

Identify those things that she loves and focus on providing those things to her, without her having to ask. For example, offer to take on chores, offer to massage her, bathe her, or buy her a gift certificate for a manicure/pedicure. Don't do it just once and don't expect anything in return at first. Treat her like a Goddess for a few weeks and then start to discuss your desires with her. Trust me, she is going to eventually know something is going on, but she is going to be more open to the suggestion of her taking the reigns of the marriage if it means all the good things are going to continue for her.

For the wife who is struggling for figure out FLR:

Recognize that everything in the "Male" column in the above chart is a motivator for him. The items in the "High" category are the strong motivators.  These are all tools that you should use to keep him motivated to be obedient to you. These are actions that make him happy and excited to obey and serve you. I have said this before and I will say it over and over again because it is so very important to the FLR: Submissive men need to be controlled and they crave to be controlled and dominated.  It sounds crazy, but discipline and strictness motivate men to serve and obey you. Giving them rules to follow and then walking away and expecting them to follow them without further attention is not going work. You may get immediate results, but to keep him obedient and happily serving you, you need to proactively invest time into exerting your dominance and control over him on an ongoing basis.

The secret is to actively apply his motivators to get him to do what you want (all the things in the Female High Category).

For the experienced FLR wife:

Do not lose site of his motivators. Believe it or not, even a FLR can become vanilla over time. A well trained husband is rarely punished and may not need as much discipline. There is less need for you to be strict because he has been trained to do everything the way you want. However, your strictness and dominance is still a motivator for him and will always excite him and keep him happy. Apply your strictness in the bedroom to keep the spark going. Find new ways to train him so that he still feels your control, and when punishments are non-existent, replace them with rewards. A seductive teasing, sensual spanking, or night of complete dominance can be great rewards for the submissive male.

For the everyday submissive male:

Understand the top desires of your wife (Female, High categories). This is what makes her happy. Focus on these things. Plan a day of pampering for your wife, do chores without being told, and treat her like a Goddess everyday. Go out of your way to make her happy. Recognize that her being strict and dominant to you is not always what she wants and the she is often doing these things for you. When she does these things, thank her and tell her how much you appreciate that she is helping you to live out your fantasy.

These were the observations that I came up with based on your responses. Please share your thoughts. Do you think you fit in with the chart above? Do you agree with my insights or do you see something different or additional in the responses?

There were several responses that did not fit into the above categories.  I will share these in my next post and I will also put together a chart that shows some of the different responses that were grouped into each category.

-MzKaylee