Tuesday, October 30, 2018

Effective Punishments

In my last post, I wrote about the importance of punishment and noted that I believed some women avoid punishment because they are not sure what to do.  In this post, I will provide some guidance on how to effectively punish your husband when appropriate. This post is based on my knowledge and opinions drawn from my own experience as well as information that I have read over the years. I welcome thoughts and opinions from others.

It is important to point out that punishment should not be a regular occurrence in your relationship. Punishments are for when he purposely disobeys you, frequently slacks off/does not complete his chores. or does something in-excusable, such as yelling at you. If he becomes lazy or slacks off a bit, discipline measures should be taken first, before using punishment. However, if the laziness and bad behavior continues or becomes frequent, a punishment is in order to get him refocused. If you are having to punish him frequently, then you need to question his submission to you. Guys - if your wife needs to punish you frequently, then you need to reevaluate your commitment to the relationship. You need to be committed to serving her, pleasing her, and making her life better. If she has to punish you, then you are not doing your job and you are forcing her into an unpleasant situation. This is not the right way to grow your relationship.

When it is time to punish, it is best to do it timely. I was never good at coming up with a punishment on the sport, which often led to me not following through on a punishment. To solve that issue I've developed a list of standard punishments that I go to when needed. Another thing I do is have weekly planned discussions with my husband, which include talking about how well he is serving me. If he has been bad during the week and I am not in the frame of mind to issue an immediate punishment, I will use that planned time to dole out the punishment.  For serious digressions, that I am not prepared to issue an immediate punishment, I will call out his bad behavior right away and tell him we will discuss further in our weekly meeting. This give me time think about what I want to do.

There is not a one size fits all punishment.  Believe it or not, a punishment for one person could actually turn out to be a big turn-on for another person. You have to make sure the punishment is unpleasant and not just a fantasy punishment. I have listed several ideas below and these may or may not be effective for your husband. You have to be the judge of that based on how well you know your husband. 

It is also good practice to make the severity of the punishment coincide with the severity of "the crime."  The more inconvenienced I am as a result of his bad behavior, the more severe his punishment will be. For example, if he forgets to charge my phone overnight, that is a big inconvenience for me the next day and he's going to get a punishment, Likewise, the more upset or angry he makes me, the more severe the punishment.

Punishments do not have to be sexual or kinky in nature. If they are, you run the risk of it being more fantasy play. However, there are some sexual or kinky related punishments that are effective. The benefit of these types of punishment is that they play into his submissive nature and can deepen his submission to you.  It's a matter of preference as to which type of punishment you want to do. FLR's by nature are non-traditional and different from the norm so feel free to experiment and get creative with your punishments. It's a bonus for you if you can come up with a punishment that also benefits you, such as giving him extra chores to do.

In my last post, Kathy commented that what worked great for her was taking away privileges. I could not agree more. Taking away privileges is my first go-to punishment. Your husband's hobbies and passions are perfect targets for punishment. Some common examples include, watching sports or a favorite TV show, playing video games, poker nights, hanging out with the guys, playing golf or other sports, and cars. In the FLR, these need to be viewed as privileges for him and not rights  Even use of his cell phone can be viewed as a privilege. An effective punishment is to forbid him from partaking in these activities for a period of time. My husband plays sports with his guy friends regularly. Prohibiting him from playing for a period of time is a frequent punishment that I use with him. For small punishments I may make him miss a week or two but for bigger punishments I will often let him know that he is not allowed to go until I decide otherwise and some of that will depend on the improvement in his behavior.

Spanking is a common punishment used in Female Led Marriages. The punishment spanking is much different than a discipline spanking. A discipline spanking is usually not harsh and maybe playful and pleasurable for the husband. A punishment spanking om the other hand is harsh with no frills.  It should be unpleasant and may even bring tears to his eyes. There are many implements that can be used including a whip, riding crop, cane, and back of a hairbrush. The wife should clearly explain why he is being spanked. Often times the wife will assign a certain number of spanks to the bad behavior and make him count each one out loud. During the spanking or once it is complete, she requires him to apologize for his bad behavior and promise not to do it again. An intense spanking can be very emotional for a guy. Sometimes it may even end with the couple cuddling. Punishment spanking is not something I do. I don't like subjecting my husband to that type of physical pain. That is just my preference. For some people it works well and is an effective punishment. As an example, read the comment from AJ in the last post as well as the comment from her in the November 2017 post. In her relationship, spanking is effective.

Making him work for penance is another punishment example. Examples include adding more to his chores for a week or two, creating meaningless chores such as cleaning your shoes, hand washing the floor every night, and ironing all your clothes. I love the idea from Kathy's comment of having him bury a stick in a hole and then dig it up.

Chastity is another popular punishment. For those that don't wear a device daily, locking him up for a period of time can be a good punishment (presuming he does not like it). If he already wears a device, then delaying his release date can be a punishment. Likewise, denying him an orgasm for a longer period of time or letting him know that his next few orgasms will be ruined, may be a good punishments.

Below is a list of ideas, which I copied from my post on punishment that I wrote last year. You can apply more then one of these at a time. When I punish Thomas, I usually combine a harsh punishment with and extended punishment to ensure his behavior improves and he stays focused on pleasing me. As an example, every time he is punished, he must also wear a special pair of punishment panties. He wears these every day after the punishment until I decide otherwise and he must hand wash them each night and hang them to dry for the next day. These serve as a daily reminder that he needs to be on his best behavior.
  • Early bedtime
  • No talking for a period of time
  • Takeaway spending money
  • Micromanage him – he must ask permission for everything (to eat, drink, go to bathroom), when away he must text you every hour telling you where he is and what he is doing, give him lots of little tasks to do throughout day (get water, get pen, change his clothes, wash his hands, check the temperature outside, etc.)  If he complains, extend the duration of the punishment.
  • Sleep on floor or couch
  • Not allowed to sit on furniture
  • Consume his cum after an orgasm. Some guys like being forced to do this but many others hate it. The longer post orgasm you wait, the harder it is for him to do. You do not have to give him an orgasm at the time of punishment.  You can simply tell him, the next 3 orgasms he will have to consume.
  • Make him eat after everyone else in the house has eaten.
  • Hand write over and over again, “I will not…..[whatever bad behavior is]”
  • Must stay home and do chores while you go out for fun.  Tell friends you are with that he could not come because he has things to do for you which he did not get done earlier.
  • Cold showers or he must take a bath using your leftover bathwater
  • Must get up extra early to do chores or do an errand for you 
  • Physical punishments that are unpleasant and become tiresome for him:  
    • Stand or kneel naked in corner each night or morning over several days (hold quarter against wall with nose)
    • Wear something uncomfortable every time he does chores such as a butt plug, uncomfortable shoes, or tight/spiked cock cage/harness


  1. I just wanted to 100% agree that punishments should be rare and the last resort. Lesser forms of correction such as discipline sessions or better yet no correction what so ever and just having your husband do the right thing all on his own because it makes you happy and pleases you should be whats strived for in the flr relationship. He should just naturally find ultimate joy and satisfaction in just serving you because thats the natural order of things in your marriage. Thats when you truly know that the relationship is running smoothly and correctly for both husband and wife - thats nirvana.

    Even though I am beginning to loose my inhibitions over delivering severe
    punishments and even beginning to develope perhaps a bit of a sexual kink myself in the delivery of those
    strappings to my husband (his cute bound dancing little bottom and his ultimate submission to me in those intensly physical sessions I have to say is beginning to get me a little hot at times... unintended but never the less becoming a bit of the case for me.... I may have to monitor myself a bit in this area if it get to be a problem) it gets me way much hotter when he justs bends to my will all on his own accord because he knows its the right thing to do and he just is submitting gracefully to my leadership in the relationship. That is the ultimate hot and the biggest turn on for me in the relationship. Just to have him repond obedietently to my dominance is extremely hot for me. Punishing him is still alot of extra work and it also shows that something is not quite 100% in equilibrium. Our weekly discipline sessions are also so much more fun for the both of us - over punishments. See my comments under March 2015 regarding that.

    Overdoing any corrective activity can make it less effective, and certainly administering punishments fits that bill.

  2. AJ, sounds like you are a bit of a sadist. Nothing wrong with that as long as you keep it safe and your husband is ok with it. If the strappings are exciting for you, then they certainly can be used as fantasy/fun play instead of a real punishment.

  3. This had been a very interesting and intraspective post for me (as well as both of our subsequent comments). This is really what I enjoy about your blog. So much wisdom and knowledge is beneath all of your well written posts and comments. What you write has influenced me and our relationship in many great ways.

    In writing these particular comments I stepped back a bit from myself and was able to make some candid observations about myself and perhaps our relationship.

    First I should beware of unchecked power as it can corrupt. I think its important that I periodically step back from my position of leadership and analyize my motivations for doing what I do. Am I doing it to satisfy my personal needs, his needs or the needs of the relationship. Obviously those three things dont always converge. So there needs to be an appropriate blend of the 3 for our relationship to continue to grow in a healthy way. So I think I may need to incorporate some more regular checks and balances in the relationship. I believe my husband is happy with the current state of the relationship and how its being run. But given this thread of conversation I think I need to have a heart to heart with him outside of the dominant/submissive confines which makes up most of our current relationship and make absolutely sure that is the case. While I want my needs to be met in the relationship, its also very important to me that his needs are being adequately met as well. So I think some sort of reocurring non flr based check in conversation between my husband and myself is required. That may be missing in the most formal sense (we do it but infrequently and perhaps with not all of the flr elements removed)

    Anyhow very interesting post and thanks for your candid comments. I appreciate them.

  4. Wow, great article, thanks so much, love your idea of uncomfortable punishment panties , look for waa rd to every new post you make

  5. Hi Mz Kaylee

    Just discovered your blog. What a treasure! I introduced my wife to FLR years ago, lately she has the time and the interest to pursue. You can imagine how happy I am. I was thinking of sending her a link to blog or website but wanted it to be the right one. I think yours is the winner - balanced, insightful, loving and delivered with the voice of experience.

    The challenge for me is to give her information without topping from the bottom. What are your thoughts on sending a wife a link like yours? Is that topping from the bottom?

    Thanks again for the wonderful blog!


  6. With all due respect and admiration Mz Kaylee, was there not a time when you spanked your husband bent over the seat of his lawn tractor? Maybe this was more of a demonstration of your dominance and control in all areas of the home than an actual painful experience for him. My wife has rarely spanked me with a paddle. It is very painful. She doesn’t like to do it and never to tears, a few swats only. The last was several months ago and the possibility of another session is a real deterrent when she threatens to do it again when I’m not doing exactly what she wants.
    Marc s

    1. I never said I did not spank Thomas. I still spank him but it is for discipline and not punishment. There is a big difference between a punishment spanking and a discipline spanking. I choose not to give punishment spankings because I don't like to do it. If it works for you and your wife, that's great. Each relationship is different and you have to do what works for you. Thank you for sharing. It is great to hear other opinions and experiences.

  7. Great posts...yet again. I just wanted to share a possible punishment idea. My beautiful wife is similar to you in that she doesn't care much for the hard spankings. On one occasion, when I was acting out towards her, she threatened to have me wear a plastic pig nose we have in public. She shocked and scared me a lot as she, giggling, said she was about to take me to the store to get a few items for her while wearing a piggy nose. She said she would give me a shopping list, drop me off at the store and wait for me to shop while in the piggy nose (because I was acting like a pig). She took humor in the thought of how I might try to explain to anyone why I'm wearing a pig nose. (we lived in a small town at the time) It terrified me..and thankfully she's kind of forgotten that particular punishment idea.

    Love your blog and the other replies as they put a realistic approach to a FLR.

    Thank you and keep it up

  8. Hello Mz Kaylee.

    Excellent and thoughtful series of posts! You touched on timing and preparedness as being part of effective punishment and I just wanted to add my thoughts to the timing element. I think as part of the growth of a female led relationship it is vital that the wife be sensitive to the waning and fading that men experience in their level of submission over the course of every week. Sometimes life and the world around us will take priority and push submission aside. I believe it is in these times that punishment is most effective because it becomes very real ! I hate to be punished or even bow to my wife's control when I am charging ahead to solve whatever issue is at hand or just want to be in my space . These time are rare in a mature FLR relationship but I know from my experience they exist. It is in these moments that punishment is most effective because they test the very core of a man's desire to submit.

    Take care

  9. Mz kabyle
    as a punishment, why your submissive would not knit ? He could knit for two hours, you would see the result and then he would have to undo his work and redo a pile of wool.


  10. Could we have more posts please?.Far too infrequent.

  11. Earlier this week I had failed to take my wife to bed at the proper time on a work night, since I wanted to stay up later. Previously she's just scolded me for this, but this time she unexpectedly decided that I deserved to sleep on the floor. And then she gave me the options of either sleeping on the bare floor with no blankets or pillows, or else adding spikes to my chastity! Ugh.

    It as a very cold night, so I took the spikes. I whimpered for a bit after they were locked on, and she ended up having to turn on a white noise generator so "she wouldn't have to hear me whining". (Her last words before ignoring me and going to sleep.) The spikes were very sharp, and I took a few hours to fall into a fitful sleep, waking up trembling a few times in the night from the sensation. In the morning she made me kiss both her feet in contrition before letting me out, which had the side effect of making the spikes even more excruciatingly tight.

    This is one of the most unpleasant things she's ever made me do. But this morning I thanked her for being firm with me, and not letting me get away with poor behavior. I think many women underestimate how much men enjoy seeing rules strictly enforced. A wife who ruthlessly demands obedience will usually get it.

    I will be much more careful about maintaining a proper bedtime in the future.

  12. AJ, you have a healthy attitude and approach to your FLR. Your husband is lucky! At some point your relationship will evolve where there is no difference between a FLR discussion and non-FLR discussion. It all becomes your normal lifestyle. When that happened with us, it was an exciting revelation for me.

    Aaron - sharing a link with your wife is a great way to provide her information to help her learn about FLR. Many guys do this. My husband did this and it helped me a lot. It can be considered topping from the bottom but sometimes you have to do that to help your wife progress.

  13. Jasbo - I love the creativity of your wife. The threat of humiliation is a great motivator for you to obey.

    John - For me, the situation you described is more of a discipline scenario than a punishment scenario. When things get busy, it is only natural that something suffers and sometimes unfortunately it ends up being your obedience to your wife. If it were my husband, since it is not intentional and more of an effect of external factors getting in the way, I would use discipline to refocus his attention (maybe a small punishment). If it became a recurring theme, then a punishment is needed. I agree with you that during these busy time it is important that action be taken to prevent things from spiraling out of control.

  14. Throughout my life, this has been my fantasy! But i´ve never known where to find a lady that would understand these desires...Instead, i try to serve women in general; being a perfect gentleman at all times and treating all women with the utmost respect. Always putting women before myself in all situations. Opening doors and standing aside with a polite "After you, Ma´am!", offer to carry bags, give up my seat, let women go ahead of me in line, pay for anything she´s having, use my umbrella while i get wet, offer my help with anything and everything she needs...Each time a woman lets me help her and uses me to be more comfortable herself,is a thrill. And i´m constantly trying to come up with more ideas of submitting to women and being their servant.

    This is the only way for me to act out my submissiveness. In my younger years, it was always more physical fantasies...Wishing women would walk on me, sit on my face, scratch me, slap my face...But since some time, i´ve come to realize my desire to simply serve women in general and making them feel like princesses in everyday life and situations.

    My fantasy is always that i´ll meet someone who´ll sense that i´m submissive and have fun using and teasing me for it...Let me carry her heavy bags up the stairs while she just walks ahead of me without carrying a thing herself "so she won´t break a nail", just wiggling her butt in my face and looking over her shoulder to giggle at my struggle...Asking me if it´s heavy only to say "Good!" with another giggle when i say a little...Or meeting a woman by a puddle and offering to be a gentleman and lay my jacket out...Someone that´ll reply "How about you just lay on your back in it so i can walk across on you! You wouldn´t want me to ruin my heels, do you...?" with a teasing giggle...I´s almost more of a thrill if i open the door for a lady and say "After you, Ma´am!" and she just walks right past me without even looking at me...Making me feel more of a servant and inferior, just there to serve and nothing more.

    Obviously, meeting a woman that would understand my kinks and fantasies, would be a dream come true...But for now, this is my only outlet.

    Great blog! :)

  15. Mz Kaylee. Yes I agree this could be viewed as more of a discipline scenario but either way when my wife chooses to punishment or discipline the timing can have a major effect on the effectiveness of either one. It is one thing to be bent over the bed and spanked at bedtime when I have had the time to focus on her and my submission but quite another to be punished without warning and while I am still in transition or struggling with my submission. It is far more humiliating and impactful without the needed time to develop the sexual element .

    Take care

  16. Unless he's bald, having your husband sleep in curlers is an effective punishment in many ways. Especially the next day.

  17. I think there are some interesting punishment ideas here, but the most effective one is that of corporal punishment. Reason being, that it can be done quickly, it can be felt for sometime afterwards, the quantity and intensity can fit the transgression, it gives the punisher an outlet for their dissatisfaction, plus it provides a better connection between the parties involved compared to other punishment methods. Bottom line is, that it really reinforces the power difference.

  18. I am commenting as a submissive and partially feminized male. The central issue here is that punishment of the male is fundamental to the relationship. The woman knows that it is both her right and in some ways her obligation to punish when she determines that the male should be punished. For the male, and i do appreciate this on a personal level, the woman's superiority in the relationship is acknowledged by hs acceptance of the punishment. I love the many ideas suggestd in this post. I do believe that corporal punishment has a place and the male should know that it goes beyond any enjoyment that may be associated with discipline. Tears are ok. The punishment affirms the relationship. And in a good relationship the punishment is really an expressionof the caring that we want so much.

  19. My wife says that I get moody and lazy after a full blown orgasm, so her punishment is never to allow me a full blown orgasm. It's not really a punishment because I love being horny all the time, and she does allow a ruined orgasm every week or two.