Submissive men crave to be dominated and controlled by a woman. It is not just a want or desire, it is a deep craving. If you are a male submissive you know what I am talking about. For women who are new to Wife Led Marriage, it may not be so easy to comprehend the submissive craving. Have you ever craved something bad? Perhaps it's that craving for a coffee or chocolate and sweets. I often get the chocolate craving. Once it's starts, I can't stop thinking about it. If there is no chocolate in the house, it is torture. As I do my usual business throughout the day, the craving will stick with me. I may forget about it when I get busy but thoughts of chocolate always come back until I get my hands on some chocolate. Have you ever craved something so much that you find yourself imagining it and tasting it in your mouth? I have! No doubt if I am craving chocolate I will make a trip to the store to get some (or make hubby get it). And when I finally get it...oohhh....it tastes so good and makes me feel so good...food orgasm!
I'm sure most of you can relate to the experience I described above. That is similar to what submissive men experience with the need to be dominated and controlled and the desire to feel submissive or owned. The challenge with men is that their submissive craving is frequent. Usually with a craving, once you get what you want, the craving dissipates and it may be a long time before that craving comes back. However, the submissive craving does just the opposite. The more submission is experienced, the more he begins to crave it. It can become an addiction. When you add in the constant arousal experienced by men who are denied orgasm over prolonged periods of time, the craving becomes even stronger.
The submissive craving is a constant desire to feel controlled and to be dominated. This includes desires such as being punished, spanked, or reprimanded; being talked to in a authoratative manner; being forced to do tasks, submissive or humiliating things; kneeling before his wife; worshipping his wife's body, being teased and denied orgasm; and kissing her feet. Early in my WLM I thought that a night of kinky or fantasy fun would satisfy my husbands submissive desires for awhile but I soon learned I was wrong. It would only be a week or two later that he would be wanting more. I'm sure the craving came back sooner for him but he was doing his best not to bother me with it.
For women, understanding this craving can help you motivate your husband and also keep him from getting frustrated or from seeking relief to that craving through pornography and self gratification. Some men have such a deep and constant craving, that it is difficult to quench. I know many of the readers of my posts fit that category and if you are one of these men, my advice to you is that you need to better manage that craving or you will never be happy. I will write more about that in another post.
First, let's focus on the woman's role in managing the craving. I want to make it clear that the wife is the one in charge. In a WLM it is not her duty to cater to the husbands kinky desires. Having said that, one must also recognize that indulging in his desires is a sure way to motivate him to serve you. His brain is wired to crave submission and if you ingore that you are only going to create frustration and unhappiness, which is not what you want. On the other hand if you embrace his submission and recognize that you need to stoke that submission regularly to keep him motivated, you will end up with a very loyal and obedient husband.
The most effective thing you can do is create a structured enviroment in you daily life that results in a continuous submissive/dominant dynamic. This is done through creating many rules and expectations that he must follow, having regular rituals and routines, and having regular discipline or feedback sessions. The rules and expecations must be clearly defined with high expectations and consequences for disobedience and unsatisfactory performance. For example, a rule could be that bathrooms must be cleaned every Saturday. Cleaning includes cleaning toilet, sink, and tub, sweeping/mopping the floor, and wiping down the walls and mirrors. Notice that the expectations are very clear of what needs to be done and a deadline is given. When you have many rules like this, it creates a structured environment that appeals to the submissive mindset.
Rituals and routines have an emotional impact on him, which is a big part of the submissive dynamic. They are also helpful in keeping the WLM on track. It is easy for the wife to get caught up in day-to-day activties and not stoke his submission for days or weeks. Most women do not crave control in the same way a man craves submission and so we can go weeks without formally exerting control and think nothing of it. Men on the other hand, are desperate to feel controlled and desire it every day. A few days without control can make them feel neglected. Rituals an routines help prevent that from happening
I have written about incorporating rules, rituals and routines into WLM in many of my past posts. I encourage you to read them to learn more. I also use fantasy days, boot camp training, and power trips as fun ways to tap into his submission. Are you intrigued by my descriptions? 😀 I had fun coming up with those. I will write about them and also how men need to manage their cravings in my next few posts.
In the meantime, guys feel free to share your thoughts on the submissive craving so that the woman readers can get a better understanding of what I am talking about.
-Kaylee
I cannot explain but for as long as I can recall I wanted a woman who would take the lead. I also enjoyed looking at F/m magazines and reading stories of such. I was interested in just a good old traditional over the knee spanking. I dated, kept it secret, enjoyed the sexual activity, but was missing this desire. To get a woman to understand is hard, took me along time and finally I had to push the button. I had been dating this woman a couple of years older, we got along, she would say at times I acted like a child, and I would smile and say you want to spank me or something in that area. She would smile and that was that. We were going out to dinner and she was upset with me, and I knew I was wrong. She was in the frontroom, and I in my mind said the hell with it, walked in, naked, handed her the hairbrush and said is this what you want to do, she pointed to her lap saying nothing and I went over her lap. She was mad, my bottom felt it, and my begging she did not stop her from continue the spanking. When I stood up, I was rubbing and all she said was get dress, we're going out to dinner and I better behave. This was the start, we have talked about it, she asked why I did not bring it up, I told her. She did say women know more than most males think. She also said, the spankings to follow and there will be spankings will leave more of an impression and with a smile, be ready to face the wall for I want to admire my handiwork. So this male worked hard, knew what he wanted and took time. I love her, our sex life is great, we enjoy traveling, a normal married couple who wife knows now and then a spanking is needed and rules need to be followed. I'm reminded that all adult males are just little boys in a adult body and the wives but also be the Mommie.
ReplyDeleteHello Mz Kaylee, thank You for opening this interesting topic.
ReplyDeleteYes, for me the craving to be submissive and to serve (especially sexually) my Wife is never far from my thoughts. I probably think about Her hundreds of times every day. It spices up my other daily activities. I can imagine how this could become obsessive, but I think I manage it well. It energizes me, thinking of my Wife and Her domination transiently while I am being occupied with some demanding or boring task is like a boost of fresh energy and optimism.
That said, craving my Wife's dominance is something I cannot drop, it's how I am wired. My Wife treats me lovingly but also very demandingly and strictly and this constantly stokes my desires for Her and my devotion. I am more focused on Her now than I used to be. I cannot imagine serving another Woman in this intimate way. I nearly stopped thinking sexually about other Women. Oh, I still notice them. I find them attractive and desirable, but I hardly ever fantasize about them anymore (I used to do that a lot, but I never acted on it and my Wife is fully aware of this). Interestingly enough, "less is more" in my case, my Wife uses sparingly what She knows I am crazy about in sex, it's like I am being constantly sexually starved. It's crazy, not knowing when and what is going to happen makes me almost blindly obedient, not just in sex (and horny through the roof). I get full erections from doing regular tasks for Her, like cleaning Her shoes or scrubbing Her toilet. I am the happiest when I can make oral love to Her divine pussy and ass and make Her cum. She is so beautiful when She cums. My orgasms on the other hand are very rare, I treat them as gifts, while only 5 years ago I masturbated with no restrictions at least daily, in addition to sex. Any masturbation is strictly verboten now (and harshly punishable), vaginal intercourses and are nearly nonexistant (when She wants to be fucked I use large vibrating dildos now) and the way I feel close to Her is just incredible. She loves all the attention She's getting, and She says She has absolutely no desires for another man in spite of my mild ED, small penis and frequent premature ejaculations. She says She would never trade my tongue and mouth skills for a big cock (and She LOVES them big, hence the big dildos). Yes, our sex life is focused on Her needs and desires 95% of the time and I wouldn't have it any other way. And the best thing is that She is now slowly pushing the envelope of Her dominance outside sex with nearly zero input from me. I initiated it all, but now it is out of my hands. I don't like everything She asks of me but I do my best to obey, cherish and love Her. And I hope we never stop growing...
First of all I love your post. I have submissive cravings pretty much every day. My wife and I our in our 8th year of our Wlm . She knows she is the dominant partner and that I am the submissive. Over the years we both have embraced our roles in our relationship which makes for a wonderful marriage. Yes she will verbally discipline me when needed which is very rare and I always thank her when she does. But she always has her special ways of letting me know who is in charge. Yes I do most all the chores and I just asked her the other day what I needed to do in order to be more obedient to her as I'm always looking to improve my role as the submissive partner. I love your blog .. R R
ReplyDeleteYou seem to have a very good understanding of the male submissive mind. The third paragraph is especially insightful. Constant low-level domination is more important than occasional intense sessions. Being firmly told to get household chores done. Being made to stand in the corner. Being taken across her knee for a spontaneous spanking when she is annoyed with you. Things like these are very effective.
ReplyDeleteunderpants
Mz Kaylee,
ReplyDeleteAnother wonderful post THANK YOU! (AGAIN).
Boy did you ever hit the nail on the head with this topic. So another way to look at it isn't just a craving but the fact that as a submissive/slave I have the ability to take almost anything that my wife does and think of it in terms of FEMDOM or not. So if she asked me to polish her running shoes (I gladly would), but asking me to polish her high heeled boots or shoes (well that is pure FEMDOM).
Your right in that the craving is constant (for me at least), but it really only takes a few bossy, command, or a look or a snap of the fingers to put me straight into submissive town. :)
I feel bad when I seem like I am being needy or resentful if I don't feel like she is dominating me, but I know that I can get thorny.
I appreciate your suggestions of regular rules, and protocols that I should just follow daily or weekly. Hopefully that serves her and maybe takes any unwanted pressure off.
I would love to hear (Your or others) ideas on some helpful daily/weekly task. Maybe we could all create a Master (Mistress) list.
Thanks for the blog (robby).
Mz Kaylee:
ReplyDeleteI first discovered that I was a submissive man in my early twenties. I was married, but had been drafted into the Army and was separated from my young bride for more than a year while I served in Viet Nam.
When I returned something had changed in the way I saw Women and especially my wife. I was pretty naive back then...in the 70's....no internet, alternate life styles pretty much frowned upon....so I didn't view my situation as particularly unusual and I presumed that my wife would enjoy my submission and having control over me in the bedroom and daily life.
Of course I was sadly mistaken...when I talked with my wife about taking control of me and our marriage she was quite upset...although she agreed to try to fulfill my wishes, I found out later that she interpreted my request as something being wrong with her as a Woman...not sexy, or pretty, nor did I really love her.
After several years of half-hearted efforts, I knew that I was making my wife miserable, so I just told her that I was "over" the need to submit and we returned to the vanilla life.
Well, I am pushing 73 years old now...and the marriage has lasted 51 years....but there has not been one day that I have not ached deep within to subjugate myself to my wife.....to let her control our marriage and me...to decide what and when we should do things so that she can live our lives on her terms, not mine.
As I read our posting I found it to be spot on for me....Every word; the analogy of chocolate, the brain being wired for submission, the need for rituals, rules protocols, and the lack of same making one feel neglected....all resonate with accuracy and clarity to me.
When we both retired 6 years ago I asked the Mrs. if she would reconsider accepting my subjugation to her, and we tried it once again...this time with less urgency, intensity, or frequency....and as part of the control she adopted a daily routine or work schedule for me to be completed while I was dressed as a scullery maid. It was rather involved and took about 2 hours each day, plus cleaning the wife's bathroom every day.
The wife soon tired and gave up participating in any dominant way. I just couldn't give it up, even without the wife's control, reward or punishment involvement.
So as the new week begins I am dressed in my maid's uniform and will commence my weekly chores once completed with this response. In my mind I fantasize as I go about my business that my wife is requiring that I serve her in this manner, or there will be consequences.
For the most part this has minimally satisfied that craving to be submissive....but still now and then the ache, the deep and sincere need to serve is so overwhelming that it just brings tears to my eyes with the frustration of not being able to live as my true self.
For me not life and death involved, but I turn to reading books about Femdom control.
Mz. Kaylee you are a wise and insightful Woman. Thanks for this posting.
"shirley"
Kaylee,
ReplyDeleteWow. You continue to amaze me in the depth of your knowledge. This seems all spot on and is immensely helpful to me. I am truly amazed at what you understand.
Jessica
Thank you for this post.
ReplyDeleteWhat you describe is exactly what I feel…so much so that I hadn’t even considered that most people might have difficulty understanding this craving.
When I don’t have a sense of being dominated or controlled I have an intense, constant longing. I can’t think of any analogy that is equivalent. For me, it is not only a craving (as for food), but beyond that it is an existential feeling. Sometimes I focus on it directly but mostly it is just “there”—a constant, frustrating, “lost” sort of feeling. I feel very restless and uneasy.
I can be distracted a bit by work or some other activity, but such distractions are brief and I return to the feeling of being “lost” or empty. That my life doesn’t make sense somehow, that I’m not where I was meant to be, if I’m not controlled and serving.
I am aware that many submissive men get so wrapped up in their needs that they don’t give sufficient thought to ways in which they can feel dominated and controlled without that becoming a burden to the dominant.
As you said, lists, rules, protocols are extremely helpful in allowing the submissive to feel dominated and controlled without it becoming a frustrating, unfulfilling situation for the domme.
When the desire to be spanked is so strong, one can get in trouble. My desire was at that point, dating was not helping, could not find one who would understand. Living in an apartment had many single women my age, no luck. I was friends with the older lady below me, she did not know of this. Well I was partying late, back in the early morning, she mentioned this was not good for her and for me. I recall one Saturday morning, got in at three, finally got up at noon and was in the shower when the doorbell rang, a towel around me I answered and it was my friend from below. She walked in, shut the door, and said she had enough. I was shocked when she grabbed my ear squeezed it hard and took me to the kitchen, and pulled a chair out. Time for you to understand and off with the towel and her hand warmed and stung my bottom that I was pleading for her to stop. I looked at her when she was finished and was told she was not done with me. She had me face the wall, left and came back with a paddle. Now young man let's finish this and she did, I was a mess. A couple of days later visiting her, still squirming I showed her the F/m magazines, she looked at them, so how does a spanking feel, it really hurts, but I needed a spanking. She introduced me to a gal my age, serious, we got along, what I learned after seeing her for a month that she believed in spankings and so coming back to my apartment she shocked me and told me to drop my pants, underpants and that I have earned a spanking. Boy did it hurt and I squirmed. We got married a year later and to this day she still spanks. My friend from the apartment we still see from time to time. One such time she visited and I was being spanked, she watched, enjoyed and while I face the wall, she said it was a very good spanking, nice and red.
ReplyDeleteI read that when a submissive man submits to a woman he feels " a delicious weakenss"
ReplyDeleteTrue, but knows that she loves him. Sorry to admit this male needs a woman's hand, and the protection she gives.
DeleteMz K: What a lovely post. It took me quite a while to understand my husband's cravings. But once I did I was able to manage them in a way that works for both of us. He is my slave and servant all the time (I have the cleanest and neatest home in the neighborhood, and I don't do any of the cleaning), but I can also tell him when i desire his vanilla self and company, with my permission he takes the lead for a day or evening. I have to admit though that those times are becoming less frequent. I have developed a growing craving for his submission.
ReplyDeleteSincerely,
Diane
That's interesting, Ms Diane. It was similar with my girlfriend, at first she had difficulty understanding my submissive desires but she gradually came not only to accept but actually to enjoy them.
Deleteunderpants
It does grow on you over time. I went from simply appeasing his submissives desires to demanding his obedience. Now I can't imagine living any other way. There certainly are days in between when I'm neutral and not in dominant mode but as you said Diane, those days are becoming less frequent.
DeleteI can clearly recognize this growth in my Wife and our relationship, Mz Kaylee. Yes, from indulging my sex kinks (some, not all of them) to demanding and enjoying what She likes and expecting my obedience. Somewhere down the road the boundary between play and lifestile starts disappearing. Our FLR-flavored relationship is young and we are slowly growing, the pace is dictated by Her. I never asked (and will not ask) but I don't think my Wife would be willing to go back either.
DeleteHello Mz Kaylee .
ReplyDeleteThe "craving post" makes me very sad because it applies to every part of my life. I am a mature submissive and know how to apply the energy of my cravings to insure that my wife's desires are met without focusing on femdom fantasy or my cravings. Sadly she has no interest in my submission and chooses instead to press forward with the traditional values that she clearly rejected in her previous relationships.
I am not sure why but it is clear that it is quite impossible for me to be happy in a traditional relationship and no matter how hard I try the cravings and my desires of submission are always present. The purpose of my comments is to acknowledge the truth of your post but moreover to point out that men like myself reach a point of no return that makes it impossible to ever be " normal " again. The incredible feelings of passion,love and contentment that are present in a FLR are truly addictive and leave a man ever craving for female authority .
Take care
John Dalton
Already I was a boy I had D/S Fantasies. When I am alone at home it is a craving....to have a dominant wife helps to stop this energy. Even when she is not at home, to know there is somebody, who is interested in me, who looks at me and can deal with this side of me, helps. To do something for her, helps too. To be focused on her is the better choice then to be focused on my fantasies. This experience makes me really submissive: I really need her. She helps to stop the senseless craving. To serve her is the better choice.
ReplyDeleteOrders, rules and controlling of her strengthen the feeling of being in her mind and interest.
Peter
(Sorry for my poor English).
Very well said Peter, that is how it feels to me too and my earliest craving to be dominated by girls go back to my teenage years. Well, not real craving at that time yet, just sporadic fantasies I frequently masturbated to. I never felt guilty about those, however, I did feel guilty about secretly enjoying the scent of girls' feet and panties when I got a chance to enjoy them.
DeleteThe real craving came much later, many years into my current relationship. It developed fully when my Wife forced me to stop masturbating completely and than soon took full control of my sexuality and all our sex. Her dominance is still growing and little by little showing in other areas of life. In retrospect, I can recognise the elements of my submissiveness to Her from the beginning (20+ years ago).
Peter, do you have a partner to serve?
This comment has been removed by the author.
DeleteYour English is very good, Peter. There is just one small mistake in the first sentence. It would be better to say "Already when I was a boy I had D/s fantasies." (Or "Already as a boy".)
ReplyDeleteIt was the same with me, I first started to have D/s fantasies when I was a boy in my early teens. My girlfriend says I still behave like a boy sometimes, then she takes me across her knee and spanks my bottom!
I think you are right: if you have a partner it is better to be focused on your wife or girlfriend than on your fantasies.
underpants
I had moved away from home, had enough of the big cities, found a job in a small town in the South. I always had the desire to find a woman who would take charge, spank me, but knew this was never to be. Working in a small store, lady owner, daughter was her only other employee. Well about a year later, the daughter and i had become close friends. I had a place just outside of town, and she and her mother lived on a farm. We got into heavy foreplay, we liked to party, and soon we were showing up for work late. I was invited over for the weekend, the mother, my boss just wanted to get to know me better. Saturday morning, I awoke to hear, Mother, not now, please Mother, and then I heard the sound of a spanking, it was loud, and then it stopped. I laid in bed, not moving, when the door opened my boss, my girlfriends mother stood there, paddle in hand. I'm just going to say this once young man, out of bed, and to my bedroom. I did as told, my girlfriend was facing the wall, a very red bottom, crying. I was wearing only my underpants and was told to take them off and I soon was naked, erect, and started to plead. It was not long I was standing by my girlfriend, limp, very warm and stinging bottom, and I knew very red. Going to be late to work she asked, No Mam I said, No Mommie her daughter said. Both of you to the kitchen, and we both went to the kitchen naked, covering our bottoms. We stood facing the wall a good hour, when allowed to get dress, we learned the punishment was not over.
ReplyDeleteBefore age 30, back when I was single, I can't remember ever having something that could be described as a submissive "craving". My sexual fantasies involved plenty of submissive imagery, but it was always male-dominant and focused on wanting women to serve me. The idea of a viable male-submissive relationship wouldn't have even made sense to me. I think this was partially a reflection of coming from a very traditional family with a strong father, although I do think that men are generally instructed by society to find men who are submissive to be extremely unappealing and unsexy. My "long term plan" was to make money and become financially successful, then marry a younger woman who would keep house for me and give me constant romantic attention, in exchange for security.
ReplyDeleteWhen I was moving toward marriage, I went through a lot of iterations of how I was going to relate to my wife -- someone I already knew would never be the submissive partner of my younger fantasies. We were both strong-willed oldest children, and she was strongly self-aware of being "bossy". I can remember going through marriage counseling and having her tell our pastor that it was something she really needed to work on, to make the marriage work.
We went through a few iterations of different ways to compromise, including:
1. An early balanced approach toward power exchange, where we essentially took turns being "in charge".
2. A subsequent attempt to revert to a traditional model of a stay-at-home mom in charge of the household, with a working father, but with inverted relationship in the bedroom -- in effect, I was trading sexual submission for nonsexual dominance.
Ultimately, it became clear from experimentation that the best way to have a comfortable and low-conflict marriage was to have one person become the full-time leader, and the other person would just need to be yielded and obedient without exception. In some sense, coming from "traditional" family backgrounds is useful in making that transition. It's easy to see how well that model can work, as opposed to the modern fixation on "fairness" as a basis for egaltarianism. The only real question then becomes which spouse needs to submit to the other. I feel like I came into this kind of marriage really reluctantly... but it's pretty clear that our marriage works best when I'm submissive all the time, and when there are lots of rules and structures that enforce that identity. The rules and structures (especially regarding orgasm denial) create the excitement that I suppose comes much more naturally to other men. The "craving" is something that can be sustained externally through a wife's teasing and playfulness, even when it doesn't come naturally. I still feel periodically aghast at myself for being moved into this role, I hate having to do so much housework, and I really miss having the kind of sexual freedom I did before. But I'm willing to make those sacrifices in order to have the great marriage I do now, and I now realize that I was using my freedom to make many bad choices that needed to be taken away from me. I've never desired my wife more, and she is constantly praising me to her friends as a good husband.
I am responding a second time on this post as I find it so interesting. Probably like many women I have wondered and explored what and who submissive men are and found that my husband definately is - that is a big part of my interest. I wonder why they feel this. Initially I felt some guilt to the "service aspects" of our relationship. It is hard not to feel at least a little guilty when you are being waited on and most house chores are not yours! But I have discovered more and more that this feels good to him and fills a need. He once explained to me that it made him feel more balanced (still trying to figure out exactly what that means). I do wonder if part of it (maybe not all of it) comes from boys taking orders from mothers and that feeling of submission to a female settles in as "right"? Knowing it feels "good" or "right" to him helps me enjoy the submission. I truly do and the guilt is hardly there.
ReplyDeleteHi J.
DeleteFor me having an authoritative mother had nothing to do with it. My mom "ruled" our home with gentleness and kindness, not strictness, and my father was the traditional head of our household. Yes, the rules were there to obey, but I was never ever spanked (or hit for punishment) by my parents or other adults, yet spanking is a major turn on for me. I had a very permissive upbringing but I was also not causing troubles. I did however discover the joys of masturbation when I was 4 or 5. I had no idea what I was doing of course, it just felt good and I did it a lot from my earliest years up to less than 5 years ago when my Wife forced me to stop.
I was however abused and humiliated once by my kindergarten sweetheart when I was about 6. I also remember another rude public humiliation by a different girl when I was 11 and two (unrelated) hard hits to my balls by a third girl and a boy at about 14. Maybe these events triggered it for me even though I can only remember deep humiliation and dissappointment feelings from them all. I also never masturbated to the memory of these unpleasant events.
Apart from this I have no idea where my submissive cravings or masochistic tendencies may originate from. But having a small penis and always being very shy with girls who sexually attracted me (but not with girls in general) played a role, I am sure of it.
Now, what feeds and enhances my craving to serve and to be dominated by my Wife? It's quite simple really, it's the sexual excitement. It turns me on. I am a very sexual person (my Wife says I am the horniest person She has ever met, by a large margin). I get turned on by being ordered to do stuff for Her, not just in sex. It used to be only about sex, but now it transcends it for me. I get hard-ons from cleaning my Wife's shoes, washing Her nylons, bras, dirty panties, scrubbing the toilet after Her, doing pedicure for Her, fixing Her and Her Girlfriends drinks, driving them to and picking them up at parties etc. I frequently get turned on when She orders me to do stuff, I even leak precum when She is very strict. What I really crave this frequent sexual excitement (not to mention the actual sexual teasing and denial) even though my actual sexual releases are now severely limited. Less really is more in context of my ejaculations, but I do need and crave Her attention. The worst punishment for me is when She actively ignores me sexually for days or weeks - meaning I am not allowed to touch or pleasure Her (only when I do something really wrong). Spending my time between my Wife's thighs to pleasure Her and witnes Her reactions and orgasm always was and still is the ultimate joy and affirmation for me. Nothing beats it. It is orgasmic for me, without my actual orgasm. The feeling of arousal triggered by non-sexual dids is what makes me crave Her attention and dominance, including the discipline. It gives me the sense of stability, belonging, love, fullfillment, perpetual sexual satisfaction. Crazy probably, but that's how I am wired.
J, does this make any sense to you?
I also feel more balaced if my truelove takes the lead in our relationship. Balanced means for me not to have the need to masturbate or to look for pornographic content. It means to do something good for another person and finally to have the impression of to be seen and to be valued. Not to be balanced means to feel lonely, to be driven, not to be fullfilled. Balanced is like to have a goal, to know what you have to do. Because all this feelings have a sexual origin it is for me easy to understand that the sexual feelings go ahead with doing also non sexual chores.
DeleteAnd here comes for me a second important reason: It is the hope to be seen from your wife. Maybe it is more than „seen“, because it is not over when youhave seen once it is a need to be always in the eyes or mind of your loved woman. Maybe Mister Sigmund Freud could help: As child you never have your mother alone for you: there is most of the time a father or the wish of the mother for an other man - and you have to share your mother with brothers and sisters or with other duties she had.
My submission gives me the possibility to be in the middle of the eyes of my truelove, to be connected with her - and when she gives order to me I am really sure it is just for me, it is me who is meant. When she gives orders the waiting that she (mother) is interested in me and has time for me is over. Have to wait is a tension and tension is strong intensifier for sexual feelings.
All thesefeelings have a passive basis. For sure there are a lot of men who search a more active solution for theses dilemmas. Some guys take the lonely wolf solution or become a hard guy.
I think to become submissive is a optimistic solution, maybe second-best to a real equal partnership - it is optimistic because you can get the constant attention of your loved woman.
Thanks all. Peter
J, I think you are right. A large part of it comes from boys taking orders from their mothers or from other women in positions of authority (school teachers etc.). Personally I am not so much into BDSM, leather etc. But being firmly told what to do by my girlfriend and having my bottom spanked when I am disobedient - that is another matter! There is absolutely no reason for you to feel guilty about it, you are giving him what he wants.
ReplyDeleteunderpants
Mz Kaylee,
ReplyDeleteHow timely to find your blog. I’m facing a surprising D/s challenge that fits with this post. D/s has been part of my thought patterns since around age 8 when I wanted to tie up and sexually dominate three of my girl cousins. It’s been a major part of all my prior relationships. I’m now in a committed relationship with a woman I very much love and cherish. She is beyond-the-pale vanilla and monogamous: no toys, etc. When we started dating over 13 years ago, I thought there was a chance for change over time. I am somewhat of a switch – in two previous relationships I was sometimes the sub in sexual play. When I was the sub, it was in fun; I really did not feel submissive toward those partners. In all other relationships, I was at least a loving sexual Dom, if not in charge of all aspects of the relationship. I’ve never before considered myself submissive.
My current partner reacted badly to my starting to take charge and will not discuss it. Many times I’ve tried gently to open conversations about some changes. I’ve talked in what I thought was a non-threatening way about my sexual history and desires. She is not open to a discussion. I thought maybe she would enjoy exercising some control herself, so I read up on FLR and started taking on more of the household duties (I already did about half). She then started doing more herself to compete – did I mention she is very competitive? I’ve come to accept two things about our relationship. I love her and am committed to our relationship. Second, she will not change her attitude toward D/s and other sexual activities.
Now for the Femdom part (again, I’ve never before considered myself submissive). There is a friend of ours we see nearly every day. She has a very strong, demanding, and sometimes angry personality. I have no great passion or sexual attraction for this woman. However, she is the first woman (person) for whom I have developed a (very strong) desire to please, to be of service. While I continue to be faithful to my partner, there is a strong pull to submit to this woman. She is very respectful of my partner and I and is very careful not to cross a boundary that will jeopardize my relationship. Sometimes, it takes a lot of effort to keep from thinking about submitting to her. I’ve even caught myself thinking about stealth submission; but that would still be cheating on my partner. I use meditation and work to clear my thoughts. However, your post reminds me of how much D/s has been a part of my life and I wonder I have these thoughts merely as compensation for that craving.
I am thrilled at all the comments! Great input and I am happy to see our Goddes female readers commenting on this topic also. Too many comments for me to respond to individually but I have read them all, will continue to read new ones, and I am crafting my next post which will incorporate thoughts about the comments received.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Mz Kaylee, yet again you manage to cut straight to one of the main underlying issues in FLM, and discuss it. I enjoy reading your articles due to your sharp eye, real-life approach and good analysis. I have another basic issue for you. I have always been bossy, but intellectually, I hesitate to move fully into a FLM. I have no trouble spanking my husband, or whatever, as I know he craves it. My trouble is more existential. When I was 16, I sometimes asked my first boyfriend what he wanted to do. Quite often the answer would be «whatever you want to». I instictially reacted against him giving me absolute power in our relationship, and felt within me the tickle to test him by hurting him emotionally. I felt that being given absolute power could very well corrupt me absolutely, and this was not something I wanted, so I broke it off. I am in the process of remaking my marriage as a FLM, and this is still my concern. When my husband is getting deeper and deeper into his craving, deeper and deeper into subspace, what «checks» are going to keep me grounded, and not let me get corrupted by the power he gives me? Yes, I know everyone says communication is key, but just communication seems a bit lame as a check. I also worry that with absolute power comes absolute responsability. How do you deal with this within married life, with kids and work?
ReplyDeleteWhen we are young and learning something new it is easy to make mistakes. It was good that you recognized you were going down the wrong path in your first relationship. Making mistakes is ok and should not discourage you from trying again. You just need to learn from it and change. Loving domination is what it is all about.
DeleteIf you are concerned about your ability to keep your power in check, I would advise that you set goals and boundaries for your WLM. Write out what the ideal WLM looks like to you. List boundaries of things that you do not want to do. Get input from your husband on these and make sure you both agree to them. Let him know that he should speak up if he feels you are crossing a boundary and that there will be no repercussions if he does. Having a safe word is a good way to approach this. If he feels you are crossing a boundary he can say the safe word and it is a sign that you stop immediately. You should also have periodic check-ins every few months where you can talk open an honestly about the WLM and makes sure things are going well.
Hi Ms Nord. I understand and appreciate your concerns and I hope You don't mind if I add my own experience.
DeleteI think that absolute "checks" depend very much on the two individuals involved which means that communication really is essential. I understand the value of formal discussions, wishlists, periodic revisions, safewords etc. But I don't think they are always necessary. In my case (20+ years steady relationship, first 15+ years vanilla with some traces of femdom/FLR from the beginning, but I only now recognize them as such) we know each other so well that no formal prearranged rules were ever used or needed. But we do talk and communicate a lot. We have no lists or safewords. In my case, if we had them, it would make it less real for me and thus less exciting. The combination that works for us is: love, respect of wishes, common sense, and small steps (it goes both ways). Whenever my Wife introduces a new rule or task for me it essentially builds on something that has already been in place or on something I directly or indirectly expressed my excitement about. So far I never had a need to ask for a change or to go a step back. And don't think I always like doing what She wants. For example, I have always had a huge fetish for Female feet and everything about my Wife's feet excites me, but I am not always in the mood to clean Her shoes in the evening, yet I do it. The fact that I do turns me on later, when I am in the mood again (I like doing stuff for my Wife). If I forget tod what I am expected to She reprimends me. I get disciplined (sexually or otherwise) for repeated or more serious disobedience, I may not be allowed to go out with my friends, for instance. She extremely rarely disciplines me by spanking (She does spank me erotically, though, because I love it), but when She does (always well deserved), there are no safewords and my ass and thighs really hurt during and afterwards and I feel - well, really punished and submissive, close to tears and with zero arousal. However, most of the real punishments I receive are various withdrawals of sexual privileges or contacts. She knows what really works with me and our sex life is now 100% controlled by Her. We got to this point gradually. And our sex life has never been better. Except maybe at the very beginning 20 years ago, but the dynamics then were very different.
All this is built into our regular life which otherwise remains largely the same as it was before.
Loved your submissive cravings list Mz Kaylee, and expanded on it. Hope you approve.
ReplyDelete• thanking her daily for her loving female authority
• thoughtfully loving, honoring, respecting and obeying her
• accepting and basking in the inequality of the relationship, on her tems
• thanking her for steps she takes to increase his submission
• giving up any final say to her in any matter she decides
• giving up control of his time and following schedules she sets
• following the rules and expectations she sets for him
• following regular rituals and routines
• kneeling before her
• worshiping her body
• kissing her feet or bottom
• standing, bowing, or respectfully acknowledging her when she enters the room
• anticipating her wants and needs
• waiting on her
• waiting for her
• opening doors and all other common polite, gentlemanly ways to treat others
• keeping a respectful attitude to her, asking “May I...” and answering “Yes Ma’am”
• backing her up, always
• asking her permission to leave the table or room
• asking her permission to drink alcohol or have other treats
• asking her permission to make purchases
• asking her permission to go out or do anything outside the usual schedule
• receiving her approval to see friends
• receiving her approval for free time activities and hobby budgets
• being under location tracking so she knows his location at all times
• giving up his privacy in all things
• being naked while she’s clothed
• having sex on her terms only
• accepting orgasm control rules she sets
• being locked in a truly effective chastity device
• being talked down to or reprimanded in a authoritative manner
• having regular feedback or discipline sessions
• being punished by grounding, standing in a corner, writing lines, mouth-soaping, working for others, etc
• being spanked or given other corporal punishment
• giving up “ownership” of cars, home and possessions to her
• being denied or only allowed emergency access to his own paycheck, credit cards and finances
• receiving only the small allowance she sets