Saturday, February 1, 2020

Shifting the Submissive Male's Focus


I was pleased to see all the comments in the last post. I am very intrigued by the "Parking" concept and it seems like many women employ this technique in some way. If you have experience with being put away or caged, I would love to hear about it. Please share your experience in the comments section of the last post titled "Parking Your Husband."  On a different note....below are some thoughts around shifting submissive men from being self-gratifying to serving their wife or partner.  Enjoy!

Most, if not all guys are driven into the female dominate world through their desires and fantasies to be sexually dominated by a female. It’s probably somewhere along the lines of the usual  pornography of a dominatrix or a woman spanking, abusing, and tying up men. Guys penises react very well to that type of imagery and so masses of men find themselves transfixed to their computer or phone screen week after week seeking sexual gratification.  Those of us who are in the lifestyle understand that the female dominance is much broader than sex.  When you fully embrace female dominance as a whole lifestyle and integrate it into your marriage or relationship, it is a life changer and becomes purposeful, fulfilling, and exciting for the couple.

In the Wife Led Marriage (WLM) or Female Led Relationship (FLR), it is about the female accepting complete authority and control over the male and the male willfully yielding to the female and accepting his place beneath her in the relationship. Most men start out in femdom with the sole purpose of pleasing themselves. The problem with this attitude is that the pleasure is short-lived and it is not an approach that is conducive to developing a meaningful relationship. No woman is going to want to be in a long-term relationship where all she is doing is dominating the guy just because that is what he wants. For some reason, guys tend to think that their wife will “get off” on dominating them just as much as they (men) “get off” on being dominated. For some women, this is true but for many women it is not true, especially if it is on his terms.  For example, putting Thomas in panties is not very arousing to me but it is a huge turn-on for him. For the WLM/FLR to succeed, there has to be something in it for the woman.

Deep fulfillment and pleasure comes when the male learns to shift his focus from himself to pleasing the woman. The submissive male derives pleasure from serving and pleasing the female.  Interesting enough, I think many submissive guys do not understand that about themselves because their sexual pleasure gets in the way and becomes their sole focus. Their short-term pleasure blinds them to what can bring them happiness. It is often up to women to guide and train men to change their attitude to be focused on pleasing and serving women.

When a man yields completely to a woman, gives her full authority over him, and focuses his life on doing his best to please and obey her, he will experience true submission. The pleasure and satisfaction that comes with submission is far greater than the quick fix of being spanked, abused, etc. Not only is this rewarding for the guy, it also engages and encourages the woman to dominate the guy. The domination becomes more purposeful and exciting for her.

I want to be clear that I am not discounting the importance of the man’s desire and need to be sexually dominated. Sexual dominance is a key motivator for the male and it is critical that women tap into this desire in order to keep the male motivated and focused on serving and pleasing her. What I am advocating is that for a WLM/FLR to be successful and for the male to find true fulfillment in the relationship, he must shift his focus away from purely seeking sexual gratification to a focus of serving and pleasing his partner.

Thoughts?


-Mz Kaylee

29 comments:

  1. Fascinating post. As always your make me think. This stuff is "deep". I do agree that many males do not understand how it is they like to please females. I also agree it needs have a "macro perspective" - something in it for all. I do enjoy the sexual domination of my husband but it does not take me quite to the place he goes...but I do like it. Sometimes love it. However, I think it is the overall lifestyle and depth of the relationship that I enjoy. I find us deeply close. There is an intense emotional connection that this "kind" of relationship brings. In practical truth (beyond the bedroom) I find (and he does) that our home works better with one "director", one "captain".

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  2. Sounds exactly like the old philosophy of the www.femalesuperiority.com Sutton website. Overall it's a Femdom style with many merits. Like.

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  3. What an excellent post! Thank you. I was one of those husbands who was interested in the male fantasy of female domination. Thank goodness for my wife who agreed to take the reins in our marriage. She has taught me and trained me to learn that a Wife Led Marriage is much more than my fantasies. In becoming my wife's true submissive, every day I am more in awe of my wife's power, her intelligence, her beauty, her sexuality, her charm, her caring, her everything. We have been married for over 25 years and have never been happier. I love serving and obeying and caring for my wife. And through our WLM she has come to love me serving and obeying and pleasing her. She in turn has embraced the notion that through her loving (but also strict) domination she cares for me.

    As the commenter above noted, "our home works better with one captain" - her. Thank you.
    Rob

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    1. Wonderful! Thank you for sharing. It is great for others to hear these types of success stories so that they can understand that WLM is real and beneficial. I appreciate that you shared your personal experience.

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  4. How do you make your male shift focus into being there TO PLEASE YOU?

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    1. Not always an easy thing to do. The short answer is through orgasm control, discipline, punishment, rewarding, and setting the expectation. Don't give him what he wants unless he pleases you. The long answer is read all the posts in this blog :).

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    2. Mz Kaylee,
      We've reached the point in our intimacy where I only get a few full orgasms a year during regular sex. A few others are ruined, and my body has automatically released during sleep. but not very often. For a man who used to get many orgasms, it was tough. Now I have seen some real benefits. I do please my wife more, so she says. And, I've seen benefits in my career. I find myself more focused on my work. I've even been promoted. Where I might have once checked out a lady walking by, there's no sense in me doing it now. Those are a few of the good things that come to mind. But, I have to ask, if you don't mind, do you (or your husband) ever have any concerns about fewer orgasms for him? I'm new to your blog and still in catch up mode so you might have blogged on it already. I had a conversation with my doctor about having fewer orgasms, although I came up with a rather lame reason and told him we were less intimate because we worked long hours, we were tired, and busy with family responsibilities. My prostate was fine, but he said its good to release as often as you can. That was exactly what I expected him to say. I was just curious and don't mean to intrude on personal health matters. I posted a similar comment but I don't see it so perhaps it did not get uploaded to blogger. Thanks.
      Philip

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  5. Great post - this message always bears repeating. Any relationship/marriage is about giving - but especially for a man in an FLR. But he will be rewarded if he listens and learns to keep his cravings under control -- most of the time, at least!

    "Guys penises react very well to that type of imagery." -- that made me laugh! Mine definitely does!
    CK

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  6. I agree with you completely. I know that I was initially drawn to Femdom and FLR by my own desires, and my interests have been fueled by my own fantasies and the desire to have them fulfilled. Over time and as I have read books and blog posts by women, I came to realize how selfish my focus was. I have been learning more and more to focus on my partner's needs, wishes, and to let go of seeking self-gratification. I am trying to put her ahead of myself, and trust her to take care of my needs as she sees fit. Living that out day to day is a huge difference between fantasy and reality. I am trying to stay grounded in real-life FLR, and treat her as the goddess that she is without expecting anything from her in return other than what she chooses when she chooses. Then I feel very appreciative when she chooses to indulge elements of my fantasies.

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    1. Sounds like you are heading down the right path. Thank you for sharing.

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  7. My Lesser Half and I are only a year in and both of us are trying to grow and find our Happy Place in this new FLM lifestyle. We try to at least once a week have a open discussion about what is happening, how we can improve, what is working, and what is not. To that end, I often have LH read your blog out loud to me and then we discuss it and any comments that have been posted. It has become very clear what LH wants...indeed NEEDS; my dominance. He is happiest when I dictate his every move. When I instruct his days. When I control his orgasms (or lack thereof lol). But you raise the question about what I get out of it. And therein lies my conundrum. There is the obvious: I do virtually no housework, laundry, or chores of any kind. I sometimes cook but only when I want to and he does the clean up. He does the grocery shopping alone unless I feel like going and if I do go I immediately enter the house when we go home and he is to fix me a drink and make sure I'm comfortable and then I relax while he brings in the groceries and puts them away. I could go on and on about all he does for me to make my life easier but it seems this should not be ALL I get out of an FLM. Right? I am a bossy person by nature. Always have been. And I absolutely HATE for men to take charge in any situation unless they have legitimately earned that position (such as a job title). I resent being "handled" or mansplained. I was raised in a family where all the men carry themselves as the head of the households or any other given situation. I. HATED. IT. So, in some ways my dominance comes as a natural form of rebellion but I admit I often struggle with feeling comfortable in that role. I'm still learning. I admit I absolutely love knowing I can order my VERY WILLING LH to service me in any sexual way I please without feeling the least bit obligated to reciprocate, though I admit I do so very much enjoy edging him and making him suffer with unrequited lust. Still, I'm sure there should be more to my answer to the question, "what am I getting out of this?". To that end, I'd very much appreciate hearing more from you as well as other femdoms. PLEASE share!

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    1. I love that you are having weekly discussions with your husband. Having that regular open communication is great for the relationship and helps keep the expectations clear. You should not feel guilty at all for enjoying all the perks of the WLM. It took me awhile to get comfortable with it but now I enjoy it. Being treated like a Goddess is fantastic and has improved my standard of living. I also know that it makes my husband happy to serve me.Other benefits are that there are no more arguments in the house and the WLM continues to bring us closer together as a couple. Our love is deep and I don't think I would have ever experienced the closeness that I now have with my husband if we were not in a WLM.

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  8. When we had an empty nest we were still young. But with family responsibilities and then parental responsibilities we had forgotten how to be intimate and how to set a goal of pleasuring each other. I often pleasured myself. Once we had the time a Wife Led Marriage seemed to be something we thought should be tried. We dabbled in chastity devices and other erotic tools and we read much online. We built the WLM relationship we wanted. My wife began to enjoy all the perks and attention and I enjoyed serving more and more. I truly submitted and never regretted it. We're now Goddess and servant. She makes the final decisions and does everything from handing out the discipline to picking out my panties. I wear a chastity cage most of the time, including on the job. My wife is the keeper of the keys and determines when I should get an orgasm. but I don't mind the sacrifice. I have committed myself to pleasuring my wife.
    We've never been closer.

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    1. Excellent! I hope we hear more from you. It would be nice if you include a name on your posts going forward so we can know which posts are related to you.

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    2. Mz Kaylee,
      My name is Philip and I will gladly include it on future posts.

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  9. I think an important part of shifting focus, of society in general and not just of males, is language. Phrases like "mankind / man did this and that" ought to be replaced with "Womankind / Woman" and FORGET using "they", when in doubt use "she". These are all a recognition that Women are the first sex, men ae just an addition to Women.
    Then use patronizing language when referring to men. Women, after a certain age, are women. But men are boys no matter their age! This is in tandem with what we discussed earlier in the blog, they are all 55 year olds. DO overstep the line and call them "baby", "sweetie", "gorgeous" or anythig else that they can't protest but says the Woman is speaking from above and the man is her sweet little pleasure giver. That will reprogram boys to be sweet, pleasing to the Female eye and pleasing i general to Females. A lot more is achieved with the way we say it than what we say. Even the supposedly non submissive men will soon be submissive as hell. How do I know? Well, it has been proven many times in Herstory!

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    1. Yes, there needs to be a shift away from the "mankind" culture. Words are powerful and so i agree with your use of words to reprogam boys and agree that it does work. However, in my opinion it should only be applied in the context of a WLM/FLM. I do not believe it is appropriate for society to adopt these views as a whole. I'd love to hear what others think on the topic. Good discussion.

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  10. Mz Kaylee,

    This is a GREAT post and I can 100% relate to it.

    I started off wanting my wife to be in charge in the bedroom, as it turned me on. I used to pity the guys who gave full submission outside the bedroom.

    After 18 years with my wife I was able to look back and realise all the best things I had done in live were because of what she told me to do.

    I fully submitted to her and told her she has “natural authority” over me.

    Our relationship is completely transformed and neither of us has ever been happier.

    She told me “our marriage is the best it’s ever been, like EVER”

    Great post you wrote that I think is completely true for many men.

    Thanks,
    AdoresHisWife

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    1. Those who embrace their submission know that serving their wife brings happiness and fulfillment and understand that those on the outside who may feel pity for them are misguided. AS my husband matures in his devotion to me, he worries less about what others think.

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  11. I enjoy your blog. We are at the beginning of a FLR after 35 years of being together. During one of our many discussions she mentioned that she has no one to talk about "this" and feels really isolated. So my question is how can she find someone in the lifestyle to share with, that she can trust and garner support?
    Not even sure she would engage but would love to offer her an option.

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    1. There are lots of blogs like mine out there. Reading the blogs and the comments is a good start. Commenting and asking questions is a great way to feel included. This can all be done under an anonymous name so it is an easy way to explore.

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  12. Susannah,

    The "Lessor Half" is about the greatest name for a married sub/slave after. When I showed my wife (Owner) this, she howled with laughter and immediately picked up on calling me this. Thanks.

    So in regards to serving and focusing on the Domme, I have to admit this is something that I struggle with. Two things get in the way, one I really love to work, pamper and wait on my Dominant Wife hand and foot. The problem is that for me when I being so good, caring and useful to her I hope for her to be awful, cruel and mean to me. I realize that is setting an expectation then on having her half to do something to me.
    But being honest, if I just work and doing everything that I can do to please and think that I am being a great servant/slave I start to feel like I am being taken advantage of, maybe no cared for?

    Hope that make sense (Another lessor half) :)

    robby.

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    1. This is a challenge that many people face in a WLM. The sub craves punishment but yet the dominant wants to be served to her expectations. These are conflicting goals. A good sub does not get what he desires and a bad sub does not please the dominant. To solve for this, perspectives need to be changed- a paradigm shift in thinking. Deep down it is not punishment that the sub craves. It is control and domination. Rather than seeking punishment, the slave should seek reward. Rather than focusing on punishment to motivate, the Dominant should focus on rewarding the sub with control and dominance when he has exceeded her expectations.

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    2. There's a lot of wisdom in that paragraph. Indeed this is at the core of why I hate they whole 'Oooh, I've been a baaad boy!" type of submission. At our house, punishment is a reinforcement of the rules, or a reminder of our agreements, or a reward for service. Submissive husbands should be clear about what they want (even if it scares them) and dominant wives shouldn't put up with deliberate disobedience to 'earn' a spanking.
      CK

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  13. hmmm... should society call grown up men "boys"? Well, haven't you ever heard them call grown up Women girls? I think Women are Women; Females do mature to adulthood but males don't really mature after a certain age (that's why they are like little boys) yet you are saying we should not call them boys?

    Besides there's another effect. It has to do with dating. It is the case that the sex that dominates usually likes to date the younger members of the dominated sex. That's why it's not only good for boys but for women too to view boys as what they are, boys for the pleasure of Women

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  14. Yes. It’s only AFTER we embrace our submission to our superior wives do we fully understand the fulfilment and happiness (for us and our partners) that it brings ��

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  15. Gigi- I am not understanding the second paragraph in your last post. Please explain further. Thanks.

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    1. I hate to talk about the patriarchy because it's a way of giving it strength, but to explain I need to talk about it. In the patriarchy, Women used to be viewed, until any age, as "girls". Also, "big coincidence" it was normal in the patriarchy for older men to marry younger Women, even sometimes MUCH younger - to the point of the "trophy wife" phenomenon.
      Anyway, I think the two are connected. When men view Women collectively as "girls" that means that they are there to be sex objects of men to the point that all that matters is their youth (because they are sexier) and their sex (Female).

      I think there is something good and something bad in all this. The BAD is obvious. The GOOD is not. But it's this: That it's OK for one sex to view the other in that way, but of course it's THE FEMALE SEX that should view the male sex in that way. By using that type of language we are allowing that. Now, maybe only in WLM or FLRs as you say, we should take it to the point of actually viewing boys as being there for Women's pleasure only, but hey, not all men who say "girls" mean that all Women are for men's pleasure, some just do so innocently. In the same way, I think it's good for society at large to allow for males to be the "boys" and Women to be in a position of calling them that and other things whereas in an FLR / WLM things can be taken a step further and this can be used to enslave the male further as the sex object (or whatever She wants) of the Female. It's a win / win because believe me that boys in a FLR / WLM WANT that, but they can't do it themselves, they need WOMEN to do it. A boy CAN'T patronize himself - he needs you to speak to him with authority, patronizing him, and taking him in hand. Use language to do it. And remember, he IS a boy - your language is just acknowledging it now.

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