Monday, November 21, 2016

FLR: Fantasy vs. Reality

Is a Female Led Relationship fantasy or reality?  When I first started reading about FLRs and things like orgasm control and punishments, I could not believe that couples actually did those activities as a real part of their life. To me it seemed like fantasy play or that people were exaggerating. It took quite a while before I realized and believed that is was an actual lifestyle that people lived.  Even when I first experimented with orgasm control and female authority with my husband, it was all fantasy for me.  It was a lot of fun but taking it seriously was hard to do or I guess awkward for me. However, the more we played the fantasy the more comfortable I became with controlling him and my expectations for him began to change.  I remember one day coming to the realization that our sex and foreplay had changed dramatically.  I was always taking the lead and our foreplay was much longer and intense.  I would do a lot of teasing of him but then the focus would turn to him pleasuring me. I was always in control of how he pleasured me.  In the beginning we would plan for a fantasy night but just a few months in it evolved to the point where we were naturally falling into the dominant/submissive roles during our intimate moments.

I enjoyed how our sex life had morphed and did not have an interest in going back to the old ways.  That's when it hit me that the fantasy of FLR was not so much fantasy any more.  Of course there is so much more to a FLR than taking control in the bedroom (which I was naive to at the time) but that was one of the defining moments that started me on the path toward a FLR.

FLR is very real. I can attest to that.  I take the lead in our marriage and Thomas willingly submits to me and obeys me. My authority over Thomas is real and if he does not obey or does not meet my expectations, there are consequences for him.  Just read my past posts on this blog and you can see how real it is. It did not happen overnight, but overtime our lifestyle morphed into a FLR.

However, even after all the years of incorporating the FLR lifestyle into my marriage, there is still a lot of fantasy involved. In my opinion, incorporating fantasy play into your relationship keeps spice in the relationship, brings you closer together, helps to reinforce your control over him, and solidifies his own submissiveness.  In our marriage the lines are blurred between fantasy and reality which makes for a lot of fun.  One the best compliments I received from my husband was that he felt as if he was living in a fantasy every day and he loved every moment of it. That was very reassuring to me that I was doing the right things in how I run our FLR.

It is very important to understand that for a FLR to be successful, the Female needs to indulge in the desires and needs of her husband. I cringe when I read advice which indicates that the man's needs or desire do not matter or that the man should be 100% focused on the woman and not care about himself.  This type of thinking makes for great femdom fantasy. In fact, I have used those words with my husband and it drives him wild. However, it just fantasy play.  You can not have a long-term sustainable relationship without taking into consideration his needs and desires. If you ignore this, at some point he will crash and burn and you may find your relationship suddenly in shambles.

If you love your husband, than you most certainly want to make sure his basic needs are met.  I advise to go even a step further and pay attention to his desires. By indulging in his desires, you create loyalty with him and he will be motivated to serve and obey you even more.  There are nights where I slip into a black latex dress and do the whole dominatrix thing with him.  Some nights I will tease his cock over and over again, making him beg for release and then just go to bed. He loves this undivided attention from me.  Denying his orgasm after all the teasing is torturous for him, but he also loves the torture and experiencing my absolute control over him where he wants something so bad but is not allowed to have it. Other times I will turn up my control over him during the week, being more strict with him, ordering him to do extra errands or chores for me, and making him wear items under his clothes such as a cock ring, butt plug, or panties.  These are all things that he loves because they surface deep submissive feelings in him, which gives him an erotic high.

Those things are more fantasy play  Although it is all fun for me, I am doing it more because I know he loves it.  Now let's be clear here, my purpose is not solely to please him.  After all, he is the one who has to please me, Th balance of power in the relationship is titled much more in my favor.  There is an ulterior motive to what I am doing.  If you play into your husband/partner's fantasies and desires, you are making him want you even more.  Anytime I have a session focused on his desires or fantasies, he is always extra thankful afterward and his attention on pleasing and serving me becomes much more focused afterward.  That is the result I am hoping to achieve by catering to his fantasies every now and then.

What I have discovered with guys is that when they have a mind blowing experience it sticks in their mind forever and they often relive it over and over again in their minds. This is the daydream.  What is great about the daydream is that each time they daydream about the experience, it excites and arouses them and they relive the emotions.  Think about that.  If you provide a mind blowing experience with your man, he is going to be thinking about it and you over and over again.  This builds loyalty and devotion to you.  How great is that?  Grown men can recall these type of memorable moments with girls from their teen years.  I was just trading e-mails about this with Jess B. who often posts comments on my blog. We were talking about things our men confessed to us on this topic. What was fascinating to us is that in many of these 'hot' memorable moments, the girl is completely unaware of the effect she had on him.  It could be something she said or joked about, a way she looked at him or simply an outfit she was wearing that gave him a naughty glimpse of her body.  How powerful is that when a man in his 30s, 40s, or 50s can remember the image and emotion of something that occurred when he was as young as 13 or 14? If only I knew that now....the possibilities!  Guys, help me validate this.  Tell me about some of these memorable moments with your wife as well as from your teen years.

My point to all this, is that playing into his desires is a powerful tool for keeping him loyal, dedicated, devoted, and obedient to you.  If you can give him moments that blow his mind and leave him breathless from the excitement, he will be excited to be with you and he is going to want and desire to obey you to keep you happy and hope for more mind blowing experiences.  Let me be clear that I am not saying you should go out of your way every day to do this. That is an extreme and would defeat the dominant dynamic of the FLR.  He should be spending much more time doing things to please you. You have to find the right balance that works for you. I'd say anywhere from once a month to once every two to three months is probably a good balance for most people to create the mind blowing fantasy experience.  You also have to make sure it is in your terms and when you want to do it. You are the one in control, not him and so it is ok to tell him 'no', 'maybe', or you'll have to wait when he is begging about a fantasy.  He should never expect to get what he wants. The fantasy moments are a privilege for him and not a right.

I also want to emphasize the importance of 'spice' in the relationship.  The FLR itself has added a tremendous amount of spice and excitement in my marriage.  It is one of the great things about a FLR.  However, overtime even a FLR can suffer from the hum-drum boredom factor that many couples face in a traditional relationship. Once a couple has routines and expectations established, it is easy for the wife to get caught-up in everyday life and not set aside time for the fun play. I often see this on forums that have a lot of people who are mature in their FLR relationship.  Whenever a new person posts something a bit kinky many of them will discount it or even rebuke the post. When I see these posts, it's almost predicable what the response will be from the long timers.  The long timers are just trying to help but I think people forget what it was like when they first started in a FLR. It really is a shame because the responses often intimidate the person posting.  I also see submissive men who post that they do not need the kink.  O.k.....they don't need it but I am sure if they had it, they would not be turning it away.  In fact, I am pretty sure they wold love it.  These men, unfortunately are just making the best of their situation.  It's like a caterpillar being happy with its life, not knowing that if they turn into a butterfly it will be so much more thrilling.  I'm rambling.  Hopefully I am making sense here to some of you,

Can getting up in everyday life is easy to do. It happens to me quite often. Let's face it - it is nice being served and pampered.  Everyday I have coffee made for me, my clothes are ironed, chores are done, and I get regular massages.  When I tell Thomas to do something, he immediately responds. It is a great lifestyle but I have to make sure I invest some time and energy into him to keep him motivated.  It's like a rechargeable battery.  Every so often the energy-level drops and you have to re-charge for a day and then it lasts for weeks or months, depending on how much energy you are consuming from it.  The more energy you consume, the more frequent you have to recharge.

To sum it all up, I believe the FLR is a mix of fantasy and reality.  By weaving fantasy into the everyday life, it adds spice and fun to the relationship, while also deepening his submissiveness and creating loyalty and devotion to you.  In the end it brings you closer together as couple.  I encourage you all to strive for a relationship where the lines of fantasy and reality blur together.  Life is too short to not have some fun.

-MzKaylee








16 comments:

  1. Hi Mz Kaylee,
    This is an excellent post. It should be read by all who are new to this lifestyle or those contemplating it. I have been eagerly waiting for this posting since the last one in September, and it is a good one. You should make it the leading post to all of your previous ones. I will have my wife read it.

    Thanks,

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    1. Thank you. If you wife has any thoughts on the post, I would love to hear them.

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  2. Thank you for sharing, Mz Kaylee.

    I agree completely that submissive men will relive things in their heads over and over. I also think this cycle is very important for the natural escalation of the relationship: craving those feelings and experiences again and again and once it feels ordinary it will want more.

    I agree as well with your assessment that his fantasies are a privilege.

    For a Domme, I feel that fantasy for her is often the catalyst for evolution. It has to be fantasy before it can be reality, and it is often the process of becoming that makes things so interesting.

    In regards to "Guys, help me validate this. Tell me about some of these memorable moments with your wife as well as from your teen years."

    From age 6-13 my older sister had a friend that during the winter when everyone was trapped indoors would get bored with the others and had a tendency to track me down and "harass" me. It usually started with a pretense of playing some sort of game but within a few minutes it would, without fail, turn into some form of bondage game with her in control. This happened roughly a dozen times a year over that span and as I entered puberty she became my "sex symbol." While I was ashamed to admit it for years, I believe this played a pivotal part in me becoming a submissive. It wasn't just the bondage either... it was the closeness... the intimacy... that she treated me with care and gave me the attention that no one else did. I felt like I was searching for her for over a decade.

    As for more recent events, I will have to think about them.

    Take care.

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    1. "For a Domme, I feel that fantasy for her is often the catalyst for evolution. It has to be fantasy before it can be reality, and it is often the process of becoming that makes things so interesting." Agree- I think there are many things that start as fantasy and then slowly work their way into your lifestyle. Other things are meant for fantasy and stay in the fantasy world indefinitely. Thanks for sharing your personal experience. I find it fascinating how the control dynamics are often experienced at such a young age. I know there are many others who have had similar experiences.

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    2. Thank you, Mz Kaylee.

      I have been trying to pinpoint things from my later relationships that I were pivotal. I can think of a few, but some are more habitual than singular events.

      My fiance that passed due to cancer was my first Femdom relationship. I was new while she was a veteran and she put me through the whole gambit of exercises and assignments in an effort to find out what makes me tick. As this was my first open awakening to the lifestyle I was still very reluctant to put everything out there and allow myself to be totally vulnerable before her, which led to many moments where I found it difficult to speak. She would continue to poke and prod until she got her answers (sometimes under the threat of punishing me if I didn't answer) and with that came one of the mannerisms that I still remember fondly to this day. When I would admit something that amused her (usually something embarrassing or that made me feel ashamed) she would often react with an adorable giggle and a snort. While her words might tell me "I will accept anything you have to say," her body language, facial expression, and that little giggle always felt like she was teasing me. I would usually respond with a blush and would have to look away as a wave of self-consciousness hit me, but after she passed, I have to say that I miss that giggle/snort deeply... as it was a symbol of our intimate times.

      Beyond that, something else that haunts me to this day is when she first added humiliation to my corner time punishments. After an argument she sent me to kneel in the corner but made me wear her pink winter hat. It increased the shame of the punishment significantly and I remember her mentioning that it turned me into a different person as well as that my face looked like I was truly suffering. It was soon after that she decided she liked that (more docile) version of me better and it sent us down an entirely new path and set of dynamics that have been mirrored in every D/s relationship I have had since then.

      Thank you again.

      Take care.

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  3. I am reflecting on those memorable moments...I look forward to sharing some.

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  4. I had just been thinking about one of those memorable moments recently.
    When I was about 21, I had a girlfriend who was very willing sexually.
    I was at her house one evening, it was getting late, and I really needed to get home. I told her I couldn't stay any later and she responded "yes you can". Like I said, she was very willing and gave me the same response to several other things I said. Then I said she was naughty for teasing me and deserved to be spanked. "Yes you can", was her response again. "I can?", I asked and she nodded. I took her out to my van and for the first time ever, spanked a girl's ass. Life changing event!

    Then there was the time my wife said, "teach me something new", and I pulled a rope out my bag...

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    1. Those are definitely memorable moments. Thanks for sharing.

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  5. Just an excellent post Mz Kaylee! Fantasy can certainly become reality. It is true in all aspects of life, including a FLR. I liken it to having goals and dreams in life and then setting about to do that which can make them reality. You don't graduate from college and get the keys to your dream house along with your degree. You have to put in the time to make it a reality.

    Our FLM falls into the category of relative newcomer. We are a year and a half into the formal declaration and are still fitting the pieces together. Yes it is exciting when they lock together and a new aspect takes shape. Each piece we assemble makes the whole just a bit stronger and adds to the richness we feel within its boundaries. None-the-less, even we have to work through the mundane. That will always be there, which is why we will keep adding on pieces. Big or small, they all make a difference and help the continually evolving process of turning fantasy into reality.

    The real understanding of my submissive nature didn't come until I was in my early 40's. Being in my early 50's now that doesn't allow for an extended period of time to recall those poignant moments, although I can concur that we men do store significant sexual moments and can recall them as if they were almost yesterday. My older ones just don't happen to be especially submissive in nature. One that I do recall quite often and still is almost as impactful as the day it happened was about 10 years ago. My lover was riding me and rather enjoying herself. My part was to remain still and hard for her. When she saw that I might be getting close to climaxing, she quite adamantly forbade me to cum. How I staved of that orgasm I really don't know, it was the first time my submissive strings were really tugged on. I can still see the intensity in her eyes.... shiver!

    Thanks again for the great post :)

    sublove

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    1. I think it is great that you are a year and half in and still moving forward and fitting things together. That should never end either. In a healthy FLR new pieces come all the time and the relationship is constantly evolving.

      Thanks for sharing your experience. Also for the record, I am interested in hearing any memorable moments, not just submissive.

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  6. Thank you Mz Kaylee for another thoughtful, insightful post. We are in our second year of a FLR and are so happy with the peace and intimacy we now have together. We are talking about adding spice and after I share your article with my wife I'm sure she will make some decisions as to how to add an ingredient or two to our relationship to keep it fresh. Fur Sissy's post recalled an experience very similar to one I had. At about age 6 I would play in a courtyard behind our apartment. There a girl of about 10 would lead me to a secluded spot and hold me tight and kiss me on my face and lips for a long time. I remember her as sweet, chubby and pretty. Again who knows what future effect this had and whether I would have been a submissive anyway but from age 12 my fantasy was for a powerful full figured woman that I would submit to. I did marry a lovely full figured lady but she was we were not aware of the FLR life we could have been leading and neither was I until I stumbled upon your blog and others. I did need to have her on top in order to orgasm but the dom sub relationship was only in the bedroom unfortunately for over 30 years. A few years ago when she was on top she stopped just as I was about to cum thinking I already had. Although I didn't know the term until I read one of your posts, this resulted in a ruined orgasm for me. And I remember such powerful feelings of submission and attachment and awe of her. FLR has saved our marriage from at the very least chronic conflict and at the most dissolution. Subhub in Phoenix said elsewhere that the declining divorce rate may in part be due to the rise in FLR relationships and I agree. Mz Kaylee, I feel you are a Priestess of FLR and are doing much good in sharing your wisdom and provoking feedback in your posts. Thank you.

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  7. I grew up assuming men loved and needed sex but women only consented to be dutiful wives. For women, it was another duty on a long to-do list. This misogynistic and patriarchal assumption was shattered by some of my early sexual experiences that form the basis of my most important sexual memories.
    It was when I started serious dating as a 16 year old and my girlfriends revealed (and demanded) what they wanted. The girlfriend who lifted her skirt and pushed my head between her opened legs. She had no panties on. Her need and my job could not have been clearer. Or the girlfriend who rolled on top of me and fucked me in a loft with a party going on below. Or the girlfriend who wanted to invite another guy into bed with us.
    These are wonderful memories that tell a compelling story of female sexual desire. These young women were not the passive receptors of male desire. They were assertive confident women with powerful sexual desires. My life (and the world) is a far better place when female sexual desire can be openly expressed, and the oppressive misogynistic myth is rejected.
    I am lucky to have been with these young women and even luckier to be with my wife.

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  8. That is more about leaving the dark ages than moving into an FLR. Sorry I think I missed the brief. Still strong and formative memories for me.

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    1. I am glad you corrected yourself. Words such as "patriarchal" and "misogynistic" are very extreme and packed with emotion and should be avoided in my opinion as I do not believe they reflect society or human nature as a whole. Nonetheless, it seems like the message you were trying to get across is that you had some women in your life who helped change your thinking and shape your life in a positive way. That is great. Thank you for sharing.

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    2. It did change my thinking and shape my life in a positive way which is the point that I was trying to make.

      Interesting point about avoiding those words. If they deflected from the main point I am sorry. Although I do think that we have cultural biases, history and deeply rooted assumptions that need to be called out... maybe not with those words...

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  9. Many women like, I also goddess lifestyle. Men want sex charge, sexual excitement, fantasize about that. They have a wonderful trait: desire to satisfy his wife, but that desire lasts until the first ejaculation.
    Long term orgasm denial have a beneficial effect on men's desire to sexually satisfy his wife.
    Female dreams for goddess lifestyle becomes a reality, as the male dream of a permanent arousal.
    After a year of FLR life, husband told me that sex is much better than before FLR.

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