The Importance of Communication

It seems so obvious that open communication is key to any successful relationship.   It's the first thing most people will cite when giving advice about relationships.  There's no doubt it is true but let's acknowledge that it is not always easy.  Sometimes communicating the truth or unpleasant news is difficult or uncomfortable.  In my posts I've written about the importance of communication and I try to lead by example, but I have to admit that occasionally I have faltered in this area.

Recently I was dealing with several personal issues that were challenging for me.  As a result of these issues, let's just say my leadership in the FLR lapsed quite a bit and I was more focused on the issues in front of me rather than being the leader.  As a result, there was some strain in our relationship.  Our normal routine began to fade, intimacy took a back seat, and little-by-little Thomas became lapse in his chores.

Something that upset me was that I felt Thomas was not acknowledging the issues I was dealing with or showing concern for me. However, rather than bring this to his attention, I kept it to myself.  As time went by, there was an obvious distance between us and soon my upset turned to anger.  Finally, I confronted Thomas about it.  What I learned surprised me.  All along Thomas felt that he was showing concern.  As he shared examples with me, I could see that he was right.  He was reaching out to me but I was the one shutting him out. He also noticed the distance between us but to him he felt that I needed that distance to sort things out.  What I learned was that he was not happy with the situation either but to him accepting the situation without complaining was a way of supporting me.

What I learned from all of this is that my anger had no real basis.  Thomas was concerned for me and was trying to support me.  It was just not in ways that I expected and in some cases I was not allowing him to support me. Looking back what I should have done was open up to Thomas with my issues and seek support from him, I needed support from him in a different way than what he was providing, but there was no way for him to know that without me telling him.  If I felt I was not getting that support, I should have discussed it with him rather than let it upset me and build to anger.  Had I taken that approach, things still would have been tough because you just can't avoid 'life issues,' but it would have eliminated some of the stress and anger that surfaced.

I am sure many of you can relate to this type of situation.  As much as we know the right things that should be done with communication, the reality of following those rules is much harder, especially when you are under stress or if the communication is on a difficult topic,  When we avoid communication, it often leads to us harboring negative feelings which creates stress and negative emotions such as anger or depression. However, through open discussion and honesty, these emotions can be avoided or short-lived.  The outcome may not always be what you wanted but at least it will give you direction and the ability to move forward.

I am happy to say that Thomas and I are back on track and we did it through open discussion.  There was no arguing or placing blame. It was just two people trying to understand what went wrong and how to correct it.  Through our discussion we acknowledged and re-affirmed that I am the leader in the relationship and he is submissive to me. I believe this positioning helped facilitate the discussion and avoided argument. For example, when I addressed this issue of him lapsing on his chores he immediately accepted responsibility and apologized.

Often times in relationships people never confront each other with issues and continue to harbor negative feelings, which ultimately damages the relationship.  While I may have had a small lapse in communication skills, when I did communicate I was able to get us back on track.  I feel very strongly that the FLR that we have in place helped me overcome this bump in the road and get us back on track quickly.  When I finally came to my senses, I was able to discuss my concerns with Thomas in a very direct manner, with confidence, and in a leadership position.

Three key points that I hope you as the readers can take away from my experience are:

  1) If you start to feel anxiety or stress over something in the relationship, recognize it as a sign that you need to talk to to the person about it, no matter how difficult the discussion. Try not to let it build to something bigger such as anger or depression.

  2) If for some reason #1 above does not happen and your emotions build to something bigger, it's never too late to discuss. It's never too late to get back on track again. The sooner you address the issue the better.

  3) The dynamics of a FLR encourages communication and builds stronger relationships. I hope you can see this from the things I wrote in this post as well as many of my previous posts.

-Mz Kaylee