Friday, April 7, 2017

Be Consistent With Your Authority and Control

I would like to call out a comment made by 'Wifey" on my post "Elevate Your Dominance / Strengthen his Submission"  He wrote:

"As a sub it is deflating when the Domme is hit or miss in taking the lead and I experienced 'sub drop' entirely too often because of my partners' lack of consistently taking control. And that caused me anxiety which led to me acting out."


I hear this complaint about lack of consistency from the leader frequently from submissive men.  It is a valid issue and women leaders need to be aware of it, understand it and take steps to avoid it.  My guess is that it is a common issue in newer FLR relationships but even those of us that are more seasoned are challenged from time-to-time with being consistent in our authority.

First let's understand the issue. Submissive men are at their best and happiest when they are under the control of a woman and in a structured environment in which they are held accountable for their actions.  They need this structure and authority; they want it, desire it, and crave it!!  The feeling of being controlled and under the power of a woman is addictive for them and they can not get enough of it.  When they reach sub-space it is their 'high.' The more they experience this control, the more submissive they become and submission is the feeling they desire and crave.  

Creating rules and structure for the submissive to follow sets expectations for the sub. When he seeks to meet these expectations it gives him a sense of fulfillment in serving his wife. When the wife provides regular feedback, both positive and negative, it keeps the sub focused and his fulfillment grows.  If the wife starts to falter in providing the structure or enforcing the rules, it creates confusion for the sub and he begins to lose the sense of fulfillment.  

A woman's authority and control is like a cozy warm blanket (on a cold day) to the male.  He takes comfort in it and wants to be wrapped in it.  The tighter it's wrapped around him the more he enjoys it and does not want to leave it.  When it starts to loosen or fall away he becomes uncomfortable and left out in the cold and then he becomes moody 😕.

When structure and authority falters, it can have a huge emotional toll on the sub and lead to the sub drop that Wifey mentioned. Often times in these situations the sub begins to question the relationship and commitment from the leader.  Overtime the submissive can experience many emotions which can include disappointment, sadness, anger, and even depression. Often times they will keep this to themselves because they don't want to be seen as complaining to the leader or they may be too confused to express themselves or they are just trying to figure out why their leader is not as engaged. The signs of the faltering structure are evident in the relationship. The sub becomes lax with his chores, communication is less frequent, and intimacy falls away. These deficiencies usually start with small things but grow to bigger and bigger deficiencies overtime.  The wife usually will not notice until the relationship starts to break down or the sub finally gets the courage to express his feelings. By this point, damage has been done and it will take some rebuilding to get the relationship back on track.  It's never too late for this, but our goal as leaders should be to never let the relationship get to this point.  We can prevent this by being consistent in our leadership and authority.

To help understand the subs point of view, think about your own experience in the work place and the people you have worked for.  What managers did you like the most and why? What managers did you like the least and why? Employees typically do better under a manager who is clear with expectations, consistently supporting them and providing regular positive and constructive feedback. On the flip side employees often get frustrated and stressed when they have a manager who is inconsistent in his/her approach, does not set clear expectations, and changes his/her mind frequently.

When it comes to FLR's, I think there are several common causes for inconsistent control and leadership.  I have outlined these below:

In-experienced or New Domme  
  
In new FLRs, inconsistent authority and control is probably a common issue, especially when it is the male who is introducing the concept. The cause in this situation is that the wife does not fully understand the dynamics of being dominant since she is in the process of learningRunning a FLR is not intuitive to most women so it takes time to learn.  It is also challenging and can be tiresome to be consistent all the time when you are learning.  Additionally, the inexperienced person may not even realize that they are not being inconsistent or may not realize the need to be consistent.

Communication and education are key tools to overcome the issue in this situation.  If the dominant person is unsure or lacks confidence, then the submissive needs to frequently communicate his feelings and thoughts and needs to reassure the dominant person. With an in-experienced Dominant, there may be a need for the sub to use "Topping" (or "Top from the bottom."). Topping is a term that describes when a submissive person influences or directs the dominate person to dominate them in the way they want. Topping is typically frowned upon and considered an unacceptable practice. However, in my opinion, when you have an in-experienced dominant, topping is often needed to help the dominant person learn techniques for dominating. One challenge with topping is that it is biased towards the submissive's desires and may result in the dominant person being unintentionally mislead. However, the hope is that as the dominant learns and builds her confidence, she begins to refocus the sub towards her and eventually puts an end to the topping.

If you are a new or in-experienced Dominate you should spend time reading about FLRs and female domination. This will provide you with ideas and techniques for using loving female authority in your marriage or relationship. It will also reassure you that you are not alone and that FLRs or female domination is a normal part of many relationships and not just fantasy. You should read a variety of articles, blogs, books, and forums. Where possible, reaching out to other Dominates is another great way to learn and build confidence. Using e-mail or posting on forums is a way to do this while staying anonymous.  

There is a ton of information on the web about FLRs and female domination. Unfortunately a lot of it is way off base or fantasy fodder. The best thing to do is read as much as possible and experiment with things that resonate you. The more you read, the more you will be able to distinguish between the crazy advice and the meaningful advice. However, be sure to keep an open mind and be willing to try new things. Some of the ideas that sound a bit crazy, often times turn out to be very effective. Am I confusing you?  What is crazy and what is not?  It is often challenging to figure this out.  You just need to give things a try and see what works or not.  If it works - great!  If not, laugh about it and move on.
If you are a sub trying to get your wife to be more dominant, you can print out articles or posts for her to read. Just be sure to provide a balance of topics and not just things that you find "hot". It is also important for you to encourage and support her in order to build her confidence. Subs often complain about what their wife is not doing and spend little time showing appreciation for what she is doing. If she does something that you really liked or drove you wild, make sure you tell her that you really liked it and thank her for doing it.  Say nothing else!  That will go a long way in reassuring her, building her confidence, and making her happy.

She is too busy, stressed, or dealing with issues
Consistency often drops off when things get hectic in life or the person is experiencing stress or dealing with a personal issue. Some common causes include work (stress at work, working late hours, etc.), health issues, family issues, or a hectic personal schedule (dealing with kids, volunteer work, etc.). When life gets hectic or stressful, there is less time for the Dominate to focus on the submissive so things like discipline sessions and sex play often become less frequent due to a lack of time or because her mind is just not into it. When a person is stressed or busy they may become inward focused in order to cope.  

There are things the domme can do to help get through the busy or stressful times, while still keeping the FLR intact.  They key is to recognize when these situations are going to occur or are occurring, and be proactive about handling the situation. As I shared in my previous post, sometimes these situations arise without warning and are out of our control. Communicating with the sub is important during these times. There is nothing wrong with sitting down with your husband and letting him know that you are going through a stressful time and need his help.  Doing this does not mean you are 'weak' or that you are giving up control. Quite the opposite is true.  It takes a strong leader to be able to do this and you are being a very effective leader by recognizing the situation as adjusting for it.  You are still the one in control. You are just re-setting expectations. 

Let him know that you are not going to have as much time to spend with him but you still need his support. Explain that he needs to keep up with chores and continue to serve and obey you even though you may not have as much time together.  You may even assign him additional chores or tasks to help alleviate some of your stress. Something I emphasized with my husband was that a clean house helps me relax.  When I come home to a messy house, my stress increases. Therefore, by keeping the house clean and keeping up with his chores he is helping me.

The nice thing is that the foundation you have built in your FLR will be a tremendous help during these times. He is already conditioned to obey you and he desires to serve you and make you happy and so he will do whatever you want to help get through the tough time. The daily routines that your sub does and the expectations you have established with him can and should continue even though you are not directing him as much. Over time with less direction or enforced authority, the sub naturally becomes less motivated; however, this is why it is important to have the open communication with your sub so that he understands what is going on and stays motivated. Submissive men want to please you and make you happy and so they will be motivated to do more for you if they know you are going through a tough time.  The desire of the sub to serve and please you is a trait the will serve you greatly during the tough times. Rather than trying to deal with your stress or hectic situation by yourself, you need to tap into your sub and have him help you.  Not only does this help you but it also builds trust with your husband and gives him fulfillment in serving you.

During the tough or stressful times, spending some quality time with your husband is very important.  This is where many couples struggle (including me and my husband) because in these situations, finding the time is often challenging or mentally you may not be thinking about it. However, it is in your best interest to carve out this special time. This will help you stay 'connected' with each other and will alleviate some of your stress. It can be as simple as going to bed at the same so that you have a few minutes to talk before going to sleep or having breakfast together. Planning a 'date night' once a week or once a month is another good technique for ensuring you get quality time together.

In you are the submissive in the relationship, in these situations you need to go out of your way to support your wife and help her cope. Simply being a good listener or buying her a small gift to help her feel better can have a big positive impact. You need to accept that some of the regular routines may be disrupted in the short-term until the issue is resolved and you need to keep up with chores and expectations even though your wife may not be providing you feedback or motivation to do these things. If you start to see the signs that her dominance is falling off, talk to her about what's going on. Be careful not to make the conversation all about you. Your goal should be to understand what is causing her stress because if you can solve that, it will ultimately benefit you. Offer to help out by taking on more chores, planning a date night or doing something that will help solve or issue.

Different expectations between the Dominant and Submissive
If there are different expectations for the level of authority and control in the relationships, it can create the feeling of inconsistent authority for the sub.  This is issue arises in new FLRs when the sub is the one introducing the concept. I will address this situation in my next post.

These are my thoughts and advice about being consistent with authority.  I welcome your feedback and discussion on the topic.

-MzKaylee

 



21 comments:

  1. This is really an excellent post. It says so much about the nature of loving female authority. I love the analogy about the warm cocoon. What women don't get is that men really want to feel the consistent authority of a woman in their daily life. They want to be in that warm sport under her thumb. They want to know that SHE is indeed holding the other end of their leash. They want to be under the umbrella of her love and her authority. It is what they live for. And, what men don't get is that it is difficult for most women to be that constant fountain of authority. For the average wife, who may not be a natural dominant, family leadership can be a challenge.

    Becoming a mistress to a man is a struggle. I learned so much by watching my daughter go through the process. Men expect you to be the perfect all knowing mistress. They also tend to keep their feelings to themselves. Some times understanding what a guy needs is like reading the tea leaves.

    One of the things my daughter learned is that men generally need to be micro managed. She learned the need to give her husband specific instructions. Instead of simply telling him to clean house, she learned to tell him what parts of the house to clean and when to do it. She learned that giving her guy too much latitude for personal decisions was often a problem. He needed to be told. She also learned that he needed her to inspect his work and comment on it. This is a little different than what the men refer to as vanilla type relationships where by they have more freedom to decided what needs to be done, when it needs to be done, and the how of it all. She has learned to use the term 'active management'.

    One of the things I told Becky is that it is fine to talk with me, but don't neglect your husband. Just as you mention in the posting have time devoted to talking. Talk with him, hold his hand, or whatever part of his body feels natural for you to hold. And yes, I have found that holding certain parts of John's body is a way of getting his immediate attention.
    And, the two hand hold is best. You can either squeeze or stoke. This may sound nasty to some, but it a simple way for a man to feel your control. The Lord made men physically stronger, but he also gave us the means of controlling that strength.

    Thank you for letting me share.

    Kathy

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Great insights Kathy. Thanks so much for sharing!

      Delete
  2. I find it frustrating when my wife lets me get away with things. Sometimes I even do it on purpose and when she lets me off of a punishment I often think, "Why should I follow these rules if they are not important enough to enforce?" Thankfully she is getting stricter and less likely to let me off. I tend to thrive in those situations. So I guess I fully agree with your post.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I would hope the rules exist for a purpose and not just to satisfy your submissive desires. While you may hope for enforcement, the primary reason you should be following them is to please your wife. I do not advocate for purposely breaking the rules as this undermines her authority. If you are trying to get away with things, then your heart is not in the right place. If you are looking for a punishment, then you are not truly committed to serving your wife but instead are more focused on your desires.

      Delete
  3. Mz Kaylee, Thomas is a very lucky man. It is amazing that you have such an incredible understanding of the male submissive mind and his desires. This knowledge and the desire to apply it certainly makes you a very powerful woman in and outside the home. My future wife is only just beginning to understand this lifestyle and apply the concepts but she is already amazed at how different men treat now. I would love to hear how FLR and a dominate persona has affected your life.
    If you are a women new to this site or lifestyle read this post carefully . It holds the keys to happiness in a FLR.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you for the positive comments John. I hope you and your future wife have a great journey into the FLR lifestyle.

      Delete
  4. "As a sub it is deflating when the Domme is hit or miss in taking the lead and I experienced 'sub drop' entirely too often because of my partners' lack of consistently taking control. And that caused me anxiety which led to me acting out."

    This is a guilt trip in which he blames her for his behavior. A WLM is a complex relationship -- if she is being hit or miss, he should first take an honest look at what his part is before laying it at her feet.

    Perhaps she's hit or miss in taking the lead because he is hit or miss in following. He may think that he is not, but it's what she thinks that matters.

    GG

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. GG, While I agree that the sub should look at what his part is, I think it is unfair for you to assume this is a guilt trip when you do not know all the facts. The hit or miss of the wife taking the lead is a problem that I have heard many times and as stated in my post, there are several reasons that it occurs, which have nothing to do with the behavior of the submissive.

      Delete
    2. You're right -- I withdraw the guilt trip comment and apologize to Wifey.

      GG

      Delete
    3. Of course I am right! (Just kidding). All great conversation GG. I appreciate your openness and respect your willingness to speak your mind. I'm sure others had similar thoughts so it is good to discuss on the forum.

      Delete
  5. I will be offline for about a week. Please keep the comments coming. I will catch-up when I am back online.

    -MzKaylee

    ReplyDelete
  6. Wow, your advice is excellent, excellent! Your thinking tends to take me a little further than things I have thought of. It took me awhile to understand (still getting there) that some submissive males have a need to be "under" a loving dominant authoritative female. Honestly I don't think my husband fully understood it either. It is still sort of an experiment but I have noticed if I let go of the authority he can get a bit "lost" or "moody" or something....

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Jessica. I think you are right that many men don't fully understand their submissive needs and desires. That is where we come in and can provide direction, control, and meaning to their submission.

      Delete
    2. Hello Jessica. I just wanted to add a comment to your reply. Altough I have I wanted to be in FLR relationship most of my life I never really understood the desire or where it came from. I have simply learned to accept it because I know it is a part of me that will never change. I actually believe all men desire to be under the authority of the woman they love but choose the role that is socially accepted rather than the one that actually fits. The most macho man can easily be slain by a woman that is only started to understand her power. Men desire to please and serve a woman from somewhere deep inside and can be hurt easily when he does not feel the "Authority ". In my life I would add " hurt " to "lost " and " moody " to describe the feeling. I know this is all so hard for a woman to accept and understand but once a man actually experiences your Authority the need is incredible. He lives to please you. A 50/50 relationship will NEVER fulfill his desires ever again. There is no going back. I hope this helps!!

      Delete
  7. As someone in an FLR less than 2 years this post was very appropriate. My wife was not at all an alpha type but does have strong opinions which previously led to many arguments. These are now nearly gone. She has had problems feeling guilty or mean about my service and is reluctant to order instead of ask. My conundrum has been whether to print this for her like I have many of your other articles or not for risk of giving her what might be taken as criticism or topping. This is particularly so because the last week or so she seems to be embracing the lifestyle more, even saying that when she does give me orders is a little bit of a turn on. I think there's much useful information here especially about the submissive mindset but I'm afraid of slowing her momentum. Our relationship is better than it's ever been, many thanks to the very useful blog postings you've made over the years-really has made a difference for us. I did just print this out but I think I'll wait and see how her mood is and if she's embracing her control ever further. I will maybe wait till your follow up. Thanks again. marc s

    ReplyDelete
  8. This is a follow up to my earlier post. After thinking it over I decided to ask my wife if she would feel annoyed or take it as criticism if I showed her this post. She said she'd like to read it. (FLR fosters communication!). I made a copy and gave it to her while kneeling and then left to let her read it at her leisure. I did write a few notes in the margins. A couple of hours later we had a great discussion about the post and after I gave her a long back rub and cleaned up her closet :).

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Marc, thanks for sharing and I like the approach you took in sharing the post with your wife. In my posts I try to address challenges that most people face in a FLR. My posts are more targeted at helping women get the most out their FLR (versus targeted at submissive men) so you should feel comfortable sharing any of my posts with her and not see it as criticism or topping from the bottom. You are merely providing her with information to help her and use as she pleases. As long as you present it to her in that manner, it should be acceptable. I would love to hear what some her thoughts and reactions were to the post.

      Delete
  9. This is such a wonderful post! I have read it many times and seem to get something new out of it each time. However, I also get the sense that being "consistent with your authority and control" can also be very demanding and a lot of work for the Domme . I know this is true especially in the beginning . I think we submissives tend to get caught up in the thrill and lose sight of how awesome the responsibility can be to fulfill our submissive hunger. The submissive may be talking on a lot of responsibility in service to his wife but Micro managing another person to fulfill HIS needs sometimes can make you wonder if this is actually a fulfilling lifestyle for the woman. Yes I know it can be and certainly the mature Domme's reading this blog know that living as " the Queen " is like moving into an executive level position . The responsibility is great but the benefits far outweigh the cost.
    I would love to hear comments from the Ladies on this thought. I Thank each one of you for sharing your life and experences. There was a time that men like me had no outlet for our desires and were locked in isolation with no outlet of expression.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. John - You bring to light a very good observation. A common issue when men bring the concept of FLR or Female domination to women is that the man is often focused solely on his desires. This is fine for fantasy play but for long-term sustainability the man has to focus on her needs and desires as well. I also don't believe a FLR needs to be a micro-managed relationship. For some people that may work but for others (like me) I don't want to be a micro manager of my husband. In some areas, I may micro-manage. However, in many other areas he is empowered to do certain things but I still have authority over him and he is accountable to me for his actions.

      Delete
    2. Thank you for your comments Mz Kaylee. It is very clear that you have a wonderful understanding of this lifestyle and know how to use your authority to fulfill your husbands submissive desires while enjoying the many benifits of his service. I hope men reading this post will realize that " focusing on her needs and desires" is the key to growing a FLR as well as a heartfelt desire to serve and obey without question. I hope the women reading this post come to better understand that being " consistent with your power and control " is really more of a mindset than an effort. If you truly believe your in control your demeanor alone will fulfill Your husbands submissive desires and keep the relationship balanced. The key is in your final comment " he is empowered..... but I have authority over him" . He has to ALWAYS feel that power and authority to be content and satisfied.
      I so admire you Mz Kaylee. You are doing a wonderful work for the couples all over the world. Thank you!!

      Delete
  10. Thanks for a great post Mz Kaylee. Our FLM is less than two years old and we are definitely still putting it together. We are experiencing a certain measure of both of your topic points. The new Domme learning and growth curve, and a hefty dose of a hectic and "stuff happens" family and work life. The past couple months have been especially trying. (thus the absence from my own blog) So much so that just maintaining our FLM has been difficult at times, much less seeing it grow. We've had to step back and sort of re-define things along the way. Were I all wrapped up in my own personal needs and expectations, the stress upon my wife would have only increased. Obviously this will not do. If she leads then I am to support. Sometimes that supporting role is heavier than others. I can maintain the house, get the laundry done, attend to as many of the children's needs as possible, etc but unless that is what my wife is actually needing at the moment, it is misplaced support. The communication you mention is vital. My wife isn't the best verbal communicator so this can be a challenge, but unless we do so things can be unnecessarily difficult. Once I really know what she needs, I can focus there and both of our live become less stressed.

    An effective leader delegates. She doesn't need to be hands on in every aspect of a relationship. For instance, my wife controls the purse strings. Does this mean she needs to be the one paying all the bills, dealing with the all the kids financial needs or even creating budgets? NO, she can delegate that to her sub. She will supervise, approve or disapprove her subs suggestions, but she doesn't have to be deep into the minutia of it all. She can decide how and what the family should eat, but doesn't have to do all the planning, shopping and preparing. These examples go on and on...

    Point being, the Mistress leader can choose what she needs to be deeply involved with and what she doesn't. She makes wise choices depending on certain strengths and weaknesses and the "goings on" of the times. The subs job is to support her in these decisions and then do everything he can to go above and beyond in fulfilling his role. Done well and with genuine love from both Domme and sub, the FLM flourishes. It's hard to take the time everyday to re-assess but once a week or a month, which ever might work best, should certainly be doable.

    I rambled a bit here, and thanks for your time, but the bottom line is that a FLM, just as any relationship, takes sincere effort, defined roles and effective communication. I am looking forward to your thoughts about expectations in a coming post. Thanks again

    sublove

    ReplyDelete