Wednesday, April 26, 2017

Be Consistent With Your Authority and Control - Part II

This is a continuation of my last post in which I wrote about the need for the Female leader to be consistent with her authority and control over her husband/partner. Three common causes for inconsistent authority and control that I identified were 1) She is inexperienced in the dominant/leader role, 2) She is too busy or stressed with other things, and 3) different expectations between the dominant and submissive can create the perception of inconsistent authority for the sub. I addressed the first two items in the last post and in this post I will discuss the third item. I appreciated the comments and discussion so please keep them coming.  I was offline for a while so I apologize for the delay in getting the comments published.

Different expectations between the Dominant and Submissive
If there are different expectations for the level of authority and control in the relationship, it can create the feeling of inconsistent authority for the sub. This issue typically arises in FLRs when the sub is the one introducing the concept. In most cases by the time the sub gets the courage to bring up the topic with his "vanilla" wife, he has already spent countless days and maybe years fantasizing about being dominated and harboring his submissive feelings. Through this process he has already developed preconceived ideas of how his wife should dominate him and probably has many scenarios in his mind that he desires to play out with his wife.  I would guess that most of these scenarios are to satisfy his desires and have little to do with her needs or desires. Additionally, at the time the wife is introduced to the concept she is often completely 'clueless' about the dynamic and lifestyle and so for her there is a huge learning curve to get to the level of knowledge that her husband has.

The combination of the preconceived ideas of what a FLR should be as well as the steep learning curve for the wife creates an imbalance. This is not always an easy fix. Some women catch on quickly and the right balance in the FLR falls into place with little issue. However, for many couples it's not so easy and when this imbalance exists it can create the feeling in the sub of inconsistency control from his wife. 

When there is the steep learning curve, the sub needs to have patience, understanding, and persistence. He needs to understand that his wife is not just going to suddenly turn into the dominant woman that he fantasized about and know exactly how to exert her dominance and control. For someone who is new to the lifestyle, it can be very awkward to be in a position of authority over her husband and do things such as spanking, disciplining, punishing, and giving direct orders. She will need time to learn how to do things and to build her confidence and comfort with these concepts. The sub needs to have patience and give her time to learn and grow.  It could happen over a few weeks or months or be as long as a few years before the wife fully grasps and embraces the lifestyle. It took me a few years before things really clicked for me and I had the confidence to take the lead and truly embrace my authority over my husband.

Having that patience is not easy, especially when you (the sub) have all your desires and fantasies boiling over in your mind. When your wife does begin the journey and you get a little taste of her authority and control, it is a great feeling and often addicting and so it is hard to slow down or take a step back. However, you need to have patience and give your wife time to learn and grow.  Often times that means sidelining your fantasies and focusing on just her needs and desires and also helping her get comfortable in the leadership role.

Persistence may also be needed from you. Do not give up on the FLR just because she is not fulfilling the leadership role as you hoped at the moment. This may be frustrating to you but continue to support her and stay positive.  Be persistent in working with her to establish the FLR but don't be pushy. Unfortunately there is no text book answer to how to do this.  It is different for every couple. You have to use your best judgement to decide when to give her space and when to advocate for the FLR. This may mean accepting some "vanilla" in the relationship for a few weeks and then trying again to advocate for the FLR. You may need to start subtly or be more direct. It really depends on your wife's personality.  Some couples may never need to worry about this because the FLR just takes off. However, those who do find themselves in this situation (this was our situation) often struggle and unfortunately many people throw the towel in when they start to struggle or hit a road block. Do not let this happen to you. As long as you have not received a firm 'no' from your partner, keep working towards the FLR. It is a journey and it requires effort and trial and error to make it work. Our FLR went through a lot of this in the first few years. In hindsight I know it was frustrating and stressful for him at times and I am very thankful and lucky that my husband never gave up and helped keep me along the FLR path until it finally clicked with me.  

Preconceived ideas from the sub about the FLR or Femdom can also be a big problem. Most men who have not experienced a FLR but have fantasized about it, end up focusing solely on their desires and the things that make them aroused. From what I have read over the years on forums and blogs, it seems that most men who want to get into the lifestyle do not understand what it entails and do not fully understand their own desires or why they have these desires.  Therefore, embarking on a FLR becomes a learning experience and a time of self-discovery for them as well as the female.

The most common example I hear is that men often expect their wife to micro-manage everything they do and be extremely strict with them, punishing or correcting them for every mistake.  For most women, this is just not a practical scenario as it is to labor-some. This can be fun for a short-period and as fantasy play but it is difficult to enforce long-term. Not only is it difficult, but it is not enjoyable. Why would I want to spend my days constantly correcting and punishing my husband? If he is a good sub, then he should be doing things to help make my life better and not things that require constant punishment and correction.  This disconnect in expectation from the sub can be a big issue.  As a sub, you need to make sure that what you are expecting from your wife is realistic, sensible, and more importantly, something she has no issues with doing. Sometimes you may need to accept that it is not an activity or expectation that she is willing to do. You don't get everything you want in life.  Once you realize this, accept it, and move on, it will eliminate a lot of stress and anxiety for you.

Also keep in mind that 'no' is not always a permanent answer.  As people grow in the FLR and are exposed more to the lifestyle, they change. For example, women new to FLR are sometimes uncomfortable with the idea of punishing their husband. However, over time, as they gain confidence in their authority, and get more comfortable with the dynamic of being in control of their husband, the concept of punishment may soon become very logical to them.  Therefore, as a sub, if you desire more strictness from your wife and she is just not ready for it yet, accept the situation but know that in the future it may change.

For women reading this, I encourage you to have open dialogue with your husband about expectations. Remember that you are the one who sets the expectations, not him.  He can express his desires, but you ultimately decide what to do with them. Do not be afraid to be firm with him either. I have let my husband know when he has pushed too much and that he just needs to stop or be punished. I also want to point out that women new to FLR tend to underestimate how firm and strict they can be with their husbands. Submissive men have an innate desire to be under the authority of a woman and to be controlled and disciplined by her. A woman's control and guidance make them better husbands and better people. While I don't believe micro-managing is practical or even healthy for the relationship, I do suggest that you set high expectations for him and hold him accountable for his actions. Do not be afraid to be direct and strict with him and do not be concerned about punishing him if it is warranted. When you do these things he will be very productive for you and he will be happy. It's a win-win for the relationship.


-Mz Kaylee

17 comments:

  1. Hi Mz Kaylee. This is really great advice for both parties.

    Dan

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  2. Hi,
    Nice post. You have great understanding of the FLR dynamic.
    It is true that someone unprepared to lead an FLR needs time to figure out how to make it work for both. Secondly, they have to have some interest in it. While she may engage in it in the short term to gauge its value, and to attempt to placate his wishes, it won't hold up in the long run. Not every woman has the mental makeup to be a leader or the interest to learn how to benefit from it. The best a guy can hope for, is that she, at some level, participates in some of the elements of it. Your husband is a lucky man.

    Ron

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    1. Ron - you are right that the woman has to take interest for it to work. FLR will not work for everyone. What is important for husband's to understand is to not make that judgement themselves without giving it a try and to not throw the towel in too early. There often is a road block early on with some women because they just don't understand FLR. It is up to the husband to get her past that road block. Once she truly understands the benefits of FLR, she will have a different perspective. Also, through support and guidance I believe that any woman can become a leader if she desires to take that path. Just because someone does not lead today does not mean they do not have the potential to lead.

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  3. Mz Kaylee . It is rare for a women to understand and embraces a FLR .It would seem almost impossible that she could understand a man's desire to be under her authority .... but you do! Like always your post Is filled with useful insite and should be an invaluable source for couples developing a FLR.

    I have often wondered why living under the authority of the the woman I love is so powerful and intoxicatingly. Over many years I have grow to understand that this dynamic somehow accelerates the relationship and bring the two people closer together in a way that a vanilla couple will never experience . I have discussed and modeled my desire for a FLR with my future wife many times over the past years since we met . I have never got the " absolute no " you discussed but it is clear that it may never happen. I think the lure that keeps her coming back is the closeness we both feel during the brief times she has experimented with the lifestyle . It is evident even to her that it works and brings us closer together but yet she is just not comfortable embracing her authority and has no understanding of why I desire it. I love her dearly, remain very patient , I make sure she knows that she is in control of how our FLR develops even it means that it never does.
    Over the years of following blogs that address FLR From the female perspective it is obvious that few women actually see the advantages of the lifestyle and almost always enter the relationship to please their husbands.. I was very disappointed this week to learn that a woman I have followed for many years with a similar blog appears to be tired and ready to give up on this lifestyle. The relationship seems to be based heavily on kink . Keeping his submissive desires satisfied appears to be exhausting and the balance of the FLR is fading . I wish more women could understand that kink play in a FLR is like a hostess Twinkie. A man needs a diet of real authority that includes a confident attitude and little effort on the woman's part. I am thrilled when my future wife actually waits on me to open a door. It excites me if She causally comments about a man she finds attractive, dishes left in the sink are such a treat, my heart nearly jumps out of my chest if she hands me her wine glass to be refilled. No kink needed , yes I know it can be powerful and fun as well but it must be on her terms if it is too work.. Feeding his submissive desires is really about the simple things that involve little effort from the woman and actually make her life a little easier. The big advantage comes into play when she takes steps to improve her life and grow as a person. She willl benefit greatly, her husband will love her even more and if there is children involved even they will live a richer life because there is simply no division in the home .

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    1. Well said. The right balance between kink and 'non-kink' submission will bring the FLR to its fullest potential. I believe both are needed for the FLR to be successful. The FLR can still function if the optimal balance is not there but I truly believe that when the optimal balance is achieved, both husband and wife are at their happiest state.

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  4. Another factor that I think gets overlooked is doubt on the new-ish Domme's part that he really wants this. My wife and I have talked about this several times. She is adamant that she likes the feeling of being in control and genuinely likes taking charge. When I've told her that I actually feel better the more strict she is with me and ask whether she genuinely likes being strict, she is emphatic that she does. The doubt creeps in because I think she has a hard time conceiving why I would want it. So, she spends a lot of energy worrying about whether, if she really starts saying and doing exactly what she wants and holding me accountable in the way I say I want, will it be too much and I will call it off. I have talked to another Domme about this, and says she spends a lot time wondering and doubting about whether she is being too hard, too demanding, etc. Ironically, that level of strictness is probably what her husband actually wants, so all of us would be better off if women who want to dominate would just take the reins and go for it. The women would get what they want, and so would the men in their lives. But, many years of socialization are hard to overcome, aren't they?

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    1. Becoming more strict and demanding is a little uncomfortable for many women. I think you are right that it can because of what has been taught in society. It really is a paradigm shift in thinking for women. Once they make the shift, the possibilities are endless.

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  5. To sum up, patience and perseverance help in the long run. I think both posts from Mz Kaylee focus on doing the right things to build a stable and enduring FLR and not get perturbed if expectations are not immediately met in the short term period. What good is an FLR if it's just fun but fizzles out in a few months?

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  6. Another great post. I showed my wife your last post and asked her to comment on it but she did not feel comfortable doing so. She did like it and felt overall that it was very helpful. I will also show her this post which was right on as well. Two days ago I found myself frustrated to the point where I almost brought my concerns up to her but fortunately I swallowed them and just became more helpful and submissive. The frustration may have had something to do with a recent big O! In any case I have found that she is getting more and more comfortable as I avoid challenging or second-guessing her in our FLR. It is a great way to be together and this post is one of many very helpful ones. Your second to the last paragraph especially gives room for optimism. Thank you.
    marc s

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    1. Thank you for the update with your wife. I am glad to hear you are giving her some room to figure things out. On the "I'm Hers" blog, there is a recent post about his struggles with second-guessing versus just doing things for her and letting things play out. I think it would be a good read for you.

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    2. Dear Marc,
      you took a mature and wise decision in swallowing your frustration. Over time I have learned to not let my frustrations and misplaced sense of pride affect the flow of the FLR. My wife and I have agreed to let concerns be shared once a week and that lets me vent periodically but it's been a while since I have stopped second guessing and it has helped immensely. The comment from guessinggame4 is so closely linked this as well - the less you challenge, the more her confidence grows. That's a relationship goal for us subs :)

      NR

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  7. A short time ago I was emailing back in forth with a young man when he made a statement that was true, but yet missed the bigger picture. Lets see he said, in a femdom marriage the wife does whatever she wants and the husband does what he is told. Well, yes to a degree I responded, but there is more to it than that. When a wife accepts a husband as her submissive spouse she is accepting responsibility for his happiness, for the marriage, and for his development. I would have used the word training, but development sounds less kinky. There are times when she needs to push his boundaries.
    There are times when she needs to reconfirm the message that she is the boss person. There are times when she needs to be the sweet gentle wife, but there are also times when she needs to be firm. Understanding all of this takes time and a willingness to learn. Love, Kathy

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    1. Kathy -This is such an important point that needs to be emphasized with newer FLR couples. I cringe when I read advice that the male has no rights and that it is all about the woman. As you stated, the woman is the leader and part of her responsibility is to ensure his happiness so it it not all about her. Thank you for sharing.

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  8. "When there is the steep learning curve, the sub needs to have patience, understanding, and persistence. He needs to understand that his wife is not just going to suddenly turn into the dominant woman that he fantasized about and know exactly how to exert her dominance and control."

    Our experience has been a slow start that accelerated the more that her confidence grew. The more her confidence grew, the more she liked being dominant, which increased her confidence even more, etc. As you say, the best contribution for the sub to make during this time is to be patient.

    We had something of a breakthrough moment, which helped.

    GG

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  9. Part 3 coming up, pleaaaase? Prettty please?

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  10. Well said Mz Kaylee, The subject of different expectations is so often overlooked or brushed aside. I think couples realize there is a problem but either don't know how to deal with it or they hope is will just work itself out. But from what I've seen the failure to resolve these differences in a relationship. Has doomed many of those fledgling FLR's. I have always urged couples to have open and honest communications, to lay out their expectations and work towards a common goal. Doesn't really mater what the goal is, how they go about it or what the FLR will eventually look like. It's up to each couple to decide what they want and don't want in their FLR. There will be a learning curve, but as long as they continue to communicate. The relationship will grow in a positive direction.

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  11. Mz Kaylee,

    What is your take on corporal punishment for slaves who like corporal punishment but taken to a level that really hurts so it's actual punishment?

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