This is a continuation of my last post in which I wrote about the need for the Female leader to be consistent with her authority and control over her husband/partner. Three common causes for inconsistent authority and control that I identified were 1) She is inexperienced in the dominant/leader role, 2) She is too busy or stressed with other things, and 3) different expectations between the dominant and submissive can create the perception of inconsistent authority for the sub. I addressed the first two items in the last post and in this post I will discuss the third item. I appreciated the comments and discussion so please keep them coming. I was offline for a while so I apologize for the delay in getting the comments published.
Different expectations between the Dominant and Submissive
If there are different expectations for the level of authority and control in the relationship, it can create the feeling of inconsistent authority for the sub. This issue typically arises in FLRs when the sub is the one introducing the concept. In most cases by the time the sub gets the courage to bring up the topic with his "vanilla" wife, he has already spent countless days and maybe years fantasizing about being dominated and harboring his submissive feelings. Through this process he has already developed preconceived ideas of how his wife should dominate him and probably has many scenarios in his mind that he desires to play out with his wife. I would guess that most of these scenarios are to satisfy his desires and have little to do with her needs or desires. Additionally, at the time the wife is introduced to the concept she is often completely 'clueless' about the dynamic and lifestyle and so for her there is a huge learning curve to get to the level of knowledge that her husband has.
The combination of the preconceived ideas of what a FLR should be as well as the steep learning curve for the wife creates an imbalance. This is not always an easy fix. Some women catch on quickly and the right balance in the FLR falls into place with little issue. However, for many couples it's not so easy and when this imbalance exists it can create the feeling in the sub of inconsistency control from his wife.
When there is the steep learning curve, the sub needs to have patience, understanding, and persistence. He needs to understand that his wife is not just going to suddenly turn into the dominant woman that he fantasized about and know exactly how to exert her dominance and control. For someone who is new to the lifestyle, it can be very awkward to be in a position of authority over her husband and do things such as spanking, disciplining, punishing, and giving direct orders. She will need time to learn how to do things and to build her confidence and comfort with these concepts. The sub needs to have patience and give her time to learn and grow. It could happen over a few weeks or months or be as long as a few years before the wife fully grasps and embraces the lifestyle. It took me a few years before things really clicked for me and I had the confidence to take the lead and truly embrace my authority over my husband.
Having that patience is not easy, especially when you (the sub) have all your desires and fantasies boiling over in your mind. When your wife does begin the journey and you get a little taste of her authority and control, it is a great feeling and often addicting and so it is hard to slow down or take a step back. However, you need to have patience and give your wife time to learn and grow. Often times that means sidelining your fantasies and focusing on just her needs and desires and also helping her get comfortable in the leadership role.
Persistence may also be needed from you. Do not give up on the FLR just because she is not fulfilling the leadership role as you hoped at the moment. This may be frustrating to you but continue to support her and stay positive. Be persistent in working with her to establish the FLR but don't be pushy. Unfortunately there is no text book answer to how to do this. It is different for every couple. You have to use your best judgement to decide when to give her space and when to advocate for the FLR. This may mean accepting some "vanilla" in the relationship for a few weeks and then trying again to advocate for the FLR. You may need to start subtly or be more direct. It really depends on your wife's personality. Some couples may never need to worry about this because the FLR just takes off. However, those who do find themselves in this situation (this was our situation) often struggle and unfortunately many people throw the towel in when they start to struggle or hit a road block. Do not let this happen to you. As long as you have not received a firm 'no' from your partner, keep working towards the FLR. It is a journey and it requires effort and trial and error to make it work. Our FLR went through a lot of this in the first few years. In hindsight I know it was frustrating and stressful for him at times and I am very thankful and lucky that my husband never gave up and helped keep me along the FLR path until it finally clicked with me.
Preconceived ideas from the sub about the FLR or Femdom can also be a big problem. Most men who have not experienced a FLR but have fantasized about it, end up focusing solely on their desires and the things that make them aroused. From what I have read over the years on forums and blogs, it seems that most men who want to get into the lifestyle do not understand what it entails and do not fully understand their own desires or why they have these desires. Therefore, embarking on a FLR becomes a learning experience and a time of self-discovery for them as well as the female.
The most common example I hear is that men often expect their wife to micro-manage everything they do and be extremely strict with them, punishing or correcting them for every mistake. For most women, this is just not a practical scenario as it is to labor-some. This can be fun for a short-period and as fantasy play but it is difficult to enforce long-term. Not only is it difficult, but it is not enjoyable. Why would I want to spend my days constantly correcting and punishing my husband? If he is a good sub, then he should be doing things to help make my life better and not things that require constant punishment and correction. This disconnect in expectation from the sub can be a big issue. As a sub, you need to make sure that what you are expecting from your wife is realistic, sensible, and more importantly, something she has no issues with doing. Sometimes you may need to accept that it is not an activity or expectation that she is willing to do. You don't get everything you want in life. Once you realize this, accept it, and move on, it will eliminate a lot of stress and anxiety for you.
Also keep in mind that 'no' is not always a permanent answer. As people grow in the FLR and are exposed more to the lifestyle, they change. For example, women new to FLR are sometimes uncomfortable with the idea of punishing their husband. However, over time, as they gain confidence in their authority, and get more comfortable with the dynamic of being in control of their husband, the concept of punishment may soon become very logical to them. Therefore, as a sub, if you desire more strictness from your wife and she is just not ready for it yet, accept the situation but know that in the future it may change.
For women reading this, I encourage you to have open dialogue with your husband about expectations. Remember that you are the one who sets the expectations, not him. He can express his desires, but you ultimately decide what to do with them. Do not be afraid to be firm with him either. I have let my husband know when he has pushed too much and that he just needs to stop or be punished. I also want to point out that women new to FLR tend to underestimate how firm and strict they can be with their husbands. Submissive men have an innate desire to be under the authority of a woman and to be controlled and disciplined by her. A woman's control and guidance make them better husbands and better people. While I don't believe micro-managing is practical or even healthy for the relationship, I do suggest that you set high expectations for him and hold him accountable for his actions. Do not be afraid to be direct and strict with him and do not be concerned about punishing him if it is warranted. When you do these things he will be very productive for you and he will be happy. It's a win-win for the relationship.