I believe that a good FLR incorporates a combination of Routines, Rituals, and Randomness. This is what I refer to as the three R's of Femdom.
Routines
Routines make the Female's life easier and bring a structure to the relationship that adds meaning to the submissive's service. Routines are the day-to-day tasks and expectations that the submissive lives by. Examples include doing the dishes, making her coffee each morning, and keeping her car filled with gas. For the Female, this makes life a little easier because she can set the expectations and let the submissive carry out the tasks for her. Her only involvement is to motivate or discipline him if he slacks off on his duties and to praise him (if deserved) for doing a good job with the routines. For the submissive the routines provide a structure the makes him feel controlled and meaningful. Many men take comfort in performing routines assigned my their Mistress. One gentleman I corresponded with told me that even when he is stressed at his work and short on time, he takes great pleasure in carrying out his routines, even if it means he has to stay up late or get up early to complete them. He enjoys that he is doing them to serve and please his wife.
Rituals
Rituals are more formal and purposeful actions designed to reinforce his submission to the Female. A ritual often involves symbolic communication or actions that leave a mental imprint on the person involved. Examples include kissing her feet each morning, Kneeling before her when she walks in the door, bathing her, or repeating a mantra each morning or night. Even stroking his cock a certain way while he stares at his Wife/Partner can be a ritual. Rituals can be daily, weekly, monthly, or on demand. For example, the Female can at any time demand, "Worship my feet."
Rituals have a strong mental connection and through repetition push the submissive deeper into servitude while at the same time elevate the Female to a higher status in the subs mind. Those new to rituals may find them to be strange and awkward at first. However, I would encourage you to give them a try. You may laugh and giggle at first but over time the ritual takes on a serious and almost spiritual tone. Rituals are a powerful tool for affecting a subs mental state over the long term.
Randomness
I believe that Randomness is one of the most important R's and is probably the one that is more often neglected in many FLR's. Randomness or variety not only adds "spice"" to the relationship but it also keeps the sub on his toes and uncertain about what to expect. Rituals and routines are important but without variety, they become boring and meaningless over time.
Randomness is often neglected in any relationship because it is easy to just keep things status quo. It is also easy to get caught up in everyday life activities and not spend time trying new things. Another challenge with randomness is coming up with new ideas. There are a several techniques that can be used to add variety into your relationship.
The first is keep it small and simple. Too much spice ruins the dish but a little spice goes a long way. You don't have to completely changed your routine. Look for little random things to try. Make him sleep naked for a week or wear panties out to dinner one night. Another idea is to create a new ritual that he has to do each week for a month.
With Thomas I like to change up his orgasm denial schedule. Most times he goes 6 - 8 weeks without an orgasm. Occasionally I will allow him an orgasm within a week of his last big O. Sometimes I ruin his orgasms and sometimes he gets a full blown orgasm. He never knows what to expect. It drives him crazy and he loves it. For me it is a lot of fun to tease him this way. He has admitted that when I allow him a few frequent orgasms, it makes it much harder to go back to a longer denial period. I love that!
Randomness does not have relate to sex either. You can take a class together such as dance or art. You can switch cars for the day, decide to eat at a new restaurant once a month, or plan a day/weekend trip to get away.
The next technique is to plan out your randomness. It sounds contradicting to plan randomness but the truth is that if I don't spend time thinking about it, I probably won't do it. Some people are good at doing things on the fly but most are not. For me, looking at things month-by-month works great. I spend about an hour a month planning out things I can do. I pick the last weekend of each month to do this so that I can plan out activities for the next month. I will brainstorm a list of ideas. I've been doing this for awhile now so I already have a list that I work from. Each month I'll review this list and pick a few things to try. I'll add to the list if a new idea pops up. For example, I decided for the first week of August that I would make Thomas hand wash my panties each night. After the week is up, I would decide if it should continue. I also identified a weekend where nothing was on our calendar (rare find) so I instructed Thomas to plan a day of pampering for me. Take note that he is the one planning the day and not me. Being the Leader does not mean you have to plan everything.
Part of my planning process includes highlighting a few ideas on my list that I want to implement. Then throughout the month I may give them a try. The plan I put together is more of an outline or rough sketch and not a 'must do' plan. As the month goes by, I will do things that are not on the plan and I may not do things that I put on the plan. The purpose of the plan is to keep me thinking about how to change things up and keep the spice going.
Often times I will do my planning while Thomas rubs my feet. He knows what I am doing and it excites him to know that I am planning things for him while he rubs my feet. He is always fully aroused during this time. If I see his arousal start to fade I may tease him a bit by saying something like, "hmmm...maybe we'll go panty shopping this week," or "I haven't worn my leather skirt in awhile." These comments always get an immediate rise out of him and get his mind spinning with wild fantasies. I enjoy that with just a few words I can make his cock immediately stands at a attention.
Generating ideas can be challenging for some people. To come up with new ideas you can try brainstorming. I have facilitated several brainstorming sessions in my job. The key to brainstorming is to not analyze or think about the ideas. Simply write down anything that comes to mind, no matter how crazy it may seem. Start with a topic and then let your mind go wild. Topics could include things like, Chores For him, Ways to Pamper Me, Ideas to Tease Him, or New Experiences For Us to Try. Once you are done, go through the list and pick out the items that appeal to you.
Another method for generating ideas is to read articles and blogs. Google different topics and key words and see what you come up with. You can also assign this to your slave. Have him research new things to do and come to you with the top 10 ideas. It's a good idea to give him some parameters of what to search for so that it does not turn into his fantasy list. Do you want him to come up with femdom ideas, new experiences, punishments, etc.
Incorporating the three R's into your relationship will help keep your relationship strong, meaningful, and fun. Routines provide the foundation and structure to keep the FLR going on a day-to-day basis. Rituals create strong emotional imprints that mentally push the slave deeper into submission and also elevate the status of the Female. Randomness creates fun and excitement, which prevents the FLR from fading away or getting caught up in day-to-day routines.
I would love to hear how you incorporate any of the R's into your relationship. Please share your thoughts, experiences, and ideas.
-Mz Kaylee
Saturday, August 23, 2014
Sunday, August 10, 2014
Discipline vs. Punishment
I believe that discipline and punishment should be incorporated into every FLR. Regular discipline and punishment keeps your partner performing (serving you) at a high level. In addition, this rigor mentally keeps him in a continual state of submission and continually elevates your authority over him. Investing a small amount of your time in D&P will reap large rewards to you. In this post I will discuss my views on discipline and punishment and provide some ideas to incorporate into your relationship.
First I'd like to distinguish between discipline and punishment. Discipline can be described as systematic and regular instruction to train a person. Discipline is about learning or being motivated to do what is right. The Mistress uses discipline to mold and train the submissive to serve her in a way that is desirable by her. Punishment on the other hand is about reprimanding or penalizing someone for doing something that is knowingly undesirable. Punishments should only be issued when the submissive knowingly did something wrong or repeatedly fails at listening to or obeying the Mistress.
Discipline
Discipline should not be viewed as negative or bad. In fact, I would propose that the submissive should enjoy being disciplined. Think about athletes who are disciplined regularly by their coaches. They enjoy this rigor and know that it is needed in order for them to improve and be better athletes. Similar to athletes, a submissive man will become a better husband/partner through regular discipline.
I conduct weekly discipline session with my husband Thomas. For these sessions, he is required to be naked except for a pair of panties (I will discuss panty wearing in another post). Thomas gets so excited that he always has an erection before we even start the session. His mind immediately drops into a submissive state, which is exactly how I want him.
The purpose of the session is to review his behavior and performance during the week and to set expectations for the upcoming week. We will discuss things such as how well he cleaned the kitchen, did he complete all his errands and tasks for the week, and did he have a good attitude towards me and others. I choose to have him kneel or lay across my lap. Sometime I am sitting in a chair and sometime I am sitting up on the bed with my legs stretched out in front of me while he kneels over me. I like these positions because they are symbolic of a child being spanked by his mother. I believe it has a strong mental imprint on him and boost my authority over him. It also gives me easy access to both his ass and cock.
When he is kneeling over me I will grasp his cock with one hand and have a riding crop in the other while we review the week. For good behaviors he gets a light squeeze and playful slap or rub from the riding crop. For items that need improvement he gets a hard slap and a firm grip of his cock. I vary the intensity of the slap based on how displeased I am with his behavior. In most cases the slap is firm but not painful. My purpose is to motivate and not punish. However, if he has done something that has really displeased me, he may get a painful few slap and possibly a punishment will follow.
Thomas and I have been doing this for many years and so his discipline is mostly positive. I think it is important to continue the sessions because the positive reinforcement keeps him from getting lazy and it also maintains my authority over him. There is a strong mental effect on him of having him lay across my lap and be disciplined weekly. He clearly accepts my power and authority over him. Thomas has also told me that he appreciates the feedback he gets from me during the sessions. He wants to please and obey me and so if I am not satisfied he wants to know. How sweet!
If you are uncomfortable with having your man lay across your lap you could simply have him kneel before you or lay next to you in bed while you review his behavior. I believe the spanking is effective but that is your choice as well. I do highly recommend contact with his cock during the session. I have found that keeping Thomas aroused while we talk is almost hypnotic to him. His mind becomes weak and he is more agreeable to what I have to say when he is aroused.
Since I have good practice with the discipline session, I pretty much know what I want to say and I know what to look for during the week. However, this can be challenging for some people. One idea to facilitate the discipline discussion is to create a review form, similar to what managers at a business fill out for annual employee reviews. On the review form, list the expected tasks and attitude for the week. Most of the tasks will be the same each week but you may have a few that come on and off each week. Prior to the discipline session, you can rate his performance on each task. This will provide the basis for your discussion with him. I did this early in our relationship and assigned points to the tasks. If he did not achieve a certain amount of points (almost perfect score), he would be punished. However, if he continually achieved high points he would be rewarded.
My biggest piece of advice with the review form is to keep it short and simple. The last thing you want to do is create an administrative burden on yourself. Then it is no fun. To save time, I would have him score himself and then I would review and either agree or disagree.
The timing of discipline is another consideration. You may choose to do daily, weekly or monthly sessions. It all depends on your schedule and how well behaved he is. I would also encourage you to apply discipline outside of the regular sessions on an as needed basis. If you come home to dirty dishes there is no reason you can't pull him aside right away and express your displeasure.
Punishment
A punishment should be issued when the sub knowingly did something wrong, has been regularly not completing tasks due to laziness, or has acted in a way that is completely unacceptable. The purpose of the punishment is to enforce the rules and penalize the sub for not obeying. The punishment should be unpleasant and not enjoyable to the sub. Spanking a sub who enjoys being spanked is not a punishment at all.
The type and length of punishment depends on the severity of the dis-obedience from the sub. The more serious the infraction the more sever the punishment. It has been said among males that the worst punishment of all is no attention from the Mistress. The submissive male craves the attention of the Mistress and craves to be controlled and dominated. Take that away and he is unhappy.
Other punishment ideas include a hard spanking, extended orgasm denial, performing a meaningless task (e.g. washing all her shoes), missing out on something important to the sub such as "guys night out" or watching a sports game, or doing an embarrassing task.
In most cases, the sub will understand and accept the punishment knowing that he deserved it. One time Thomas spoke to me with a harsh tone. I walked away and later that day texted him my disapproval and issued a punishment. He simply replied, "o.k. you are right. I am sorry." He accepted his punishment without question. To me, this is one of the most powerful things about a FLR. In a non-FLR relationship, many people would end up in an argument and may not even reconcile with each other for several days. However, in a FLR, the man knows his place and knows not to argue. He accepts what the woman says and they reconcile immediately.
First I'd like to distinguish between discipline and punishment. Discipline can be described as systematic and regular instruction to train a person. Discipline is about learning or being motivated to do what is right. The Mistress uses discipline to mold and train the submissive to serve her in a way that is desirable by her. Punishment on the other hand is about reprimanding or penalizing someone for doing something that is knowingly undesirable. Punishments should only be issued when the submissive knowingly did something wrong or repeatedly fails at listening to or obeying the Mistress.
Discipline
Discipline should not be viewed as negative or bad. In fact, I would propose that the submissive should enjoy being disciplined. Think about athletes who are disciplined regularly by their coaches. They enjoy this rigor and know that it is needed in order for them to improve and be better athletes. Similar to athletes, a submissive man will become a better husband/partner through regular discipline.
I conduct weekly discipline session with my husband Thomas. For these sessions, he is required to be naked except for a pair of panties (I will discuss panty wearing in another post). Thomas gets so excited that he always has an erection before we even start the session. His mind immediately drops into a submissive state, which is exactly how I want him.
The purpose of the session is to review his behavior and performance during the week and to set expectations for the upcoming week. We will discuss things such as how well he cleaned the kitchen, did he complete all his errands and tasks for the week, and did he have a good attitude towards me and others. I choose to have him kneel or lay across my lap. Sometime I am sitting in a chair and sometime I am sitting up on the bed with my legs stretched out in front of me while he kneels over me. I like these positions because they are symbolic of a child being spanked by his mother. I believe it has a strong mental imprint on him and boost my authority over him. It also gives me easy access to both his ass and cock.
When he is kneeling over me I will grasp his cock with one hand and have a riding crop in the other while we review the week. For good behaviors he gets a light squeeze and playful slap or rub from the riding crop. For items that need improvement he gets a hard slap and a firm grip of his cock. I vary the intensity of the slap based on how displeased I am with his behavior. In most cases the slap is firm but not painful. My purpose is to motivate and not punish. However, if he has done something that has really displeased me, he may get a painful few slap and possibly a punishment will follow.
Thomas and I have been doing this for many years and so his discipline is mostly positive. I think it is important to continue the sessions because the positive reinforcement keeps him from getting lazy and it also maintains my authority over him. There is a strong mental effect on him of having him lay across my lap and be disciplined weekly. He clearly accepts my power and authority over him. Thomas has also told me that he appreciates the feedback he gets from me during the sessions. He wants to please and obey me and so if I am not satisfied he wants to know. How sweet!
If you are uncomfortable with having your man lay across your lap you could simply have him kneel before you or lay next to you in bed while you review his behavior. I believe the spanking is effective but that is your choice as well. I do highly recommend contact with his cock during the session. I have found that keeping Thomas aroused while we talk is almost hypnotic to him. His mind becomes weak and he is more agreeable to what I have to say when he is aroused.
Since I have good practice with the discipline session, I pretty much know what I want to say and I know what to look for during the week. However, this can be challenging for some people. One idea to facilitate the discipline discussion is to create a review form, similar to what managers at a business fill out for annual employee reviews. On the review form, list the expected tasks and attitude for the week. Most of the tasks will be the same each week but you may have a few that come on and off each week. Prior to the discipline session, you can rate his performance on each task. This will provide the basis for your discussion with him. I did this early in our relationship and assigned points to the tasks. If he did not achieve a certain amount of points (almost perfect score), he would be punished. However, if he continually achieved high points he would be rewarded.
My biggest piece of advice with the review form is to keep it short and simple. The last thing you want to do is create an administrative burden on yourself. Then it is no fun. To save time, I would have him score himself and then I would review and either agree or disagree.
The timing of discipline is another consideration. You may choose to do daily, weekly or monthly sessions. It all depends on your schedule and how well behaved he is. I would also encourage you to apply discipline outside of the regular sessions on an as needed basis. If you come home to dirty dishes there is no reason you can't pull him aside right away and express your displeasure.
Punishment
A punishment should be issued when the sub knowingly did something wrong, has been regularly not completing tasks due to laziness, or has acted in a way that is completely unacceptable. The purpose of the punishment is to enforce the rules and penalize the sub for not obeying. The punishment should be unpleasant and not enjoyable to the sub. Spanking a sub who enjoys being spanked is not a punishment at all.
The type and length of punishment depends on the severity of the dis-obedience from the sub. The more serious the infraction the more sever the punishment. It has been said among males that the worst punishment of all is no attention from the Mistress. The submissive male craves the attention of the Mistress and craves to be controlled and dominated. Take that away and he is unhappy.
Other punishment ideas include a hard spanking, extended orgasm denial, performing a meaningless task (e.g. washing all her shoes), missing out on something important to the sub such as "guys night out" or watching a sports game, or doing an embarrassing task.
In most cases, the sub will understand and accept the punishment knowing that he deserved it. One time Thomas spoke to me with a harsh tone. I walked away and later that day texted him my disapproval and issued a punishment. He simply replied, "o.k. you are right. I am sorry." He accepted his punishment without question. To me, this is one of the most powerful things about a FLR. In a non-FLR relationship, many people would end up in an argument and may not even reconcile with each other for several days. However, in a FLR, the man knows his place and knows not to argue. He accepts what the woman says and they reconcile immediately.
Mens' attitude toward the Mistress/Domme
I have no doubt that there will be large following of men on this blog. Mention the word 'femdom' and they come in droves. Therefore, I think it is only fitting that one of my first posts provide direction to men on their behavior and attitude.
One of the most common mistakes you boys make when you first dabble in femdom is that all you think about is yourself and what you want. It is not too surprising since porn and commercialized femdom focuses on things like leather, whips, chains, and spanking. On most femdom forums and chat rooms a complaint among the women is all the 'cheez-ball' comments they get from guys. I've even seen forums that have a topic that is locked for men, where women can post these comments for their own amusement and laughter.
Let me spare you from embarrassment and ridicule. Do not send your first e-mail to a Mistress asking her to spank you and order you around. Believe it or not, she does not want to hear this from some stranger that she does not even know. Start out with a normal introduction of yourself or make an intelligent comment about her profile or a comment she posted. Get to know her a little bit before you dive into the kink.
When it comes to a real life relationship, your attitude should be about serving her. What can you do to please her and maker her happy? Go out of your way to please her. If she is pleased then she will turn the focus back on you and you will be rewarded with the domination that you crave so much! I will admit that I have over simplified this a bit. There are many factors that contribute to a healthy FLR such as communication, respect, and trust. However, changing your perspective from 'what do I want' to 'What can I do to serve her' is a key step towards building a strong FLR.
One of the most common mistakes you boys make when you first dabble in femdom is that all you think about is yourself and what you want. It is not too surprising since porn and commercialized femdom focuses on things like leather, whips, chains, and spanking. On most femdom forums and chat rooms a complaint among the women is all the 'cheez-ball' comments they get from guys. I've even seen forums that have a topic that is locked for men, where women can post these comments for their own amusement and laughter.
Let me spare you from embarrassment and ridicule. Do not send your first e-mail to a Mistress asking her to spank you and order you around. Believe it or not, she does not want to hear this from some stranger that she does not even know. Start out with a normal introduction of yourself or make an intelligent comment about her profile or a comment she posted. Get to know her a little bit before you dive into the kink.
When it comes to a real life relationship, your attitude should be about serving her. What can you do to please her and maker her happy? Go out of your way to please her. If she is pleased then she will turn the focus back on you and you will be rewarded with the domination that you crave so much! I will admit that I have over simplified this a bit. There are many factors that contribute to a healthy FLR such as communication, respect, and trust. However, changing your perspective from 'what do I want' to 'What can I do to serve her' is a key step towards building a strong FLR.
Saturday, August 9, 2014
Inspiring Women to Lead and Men to submit
My goal with this blog is to share experiences and ideas that will inspire women to take the lead role in their relationship and to encourage men to take a submissive role towards their wife or significant other. I am a firm believer that a Female Led Relationship (FLR) results in a strong bond between the female and male and creates a healthy loving and blissful relationship.
There are many websites with information about FLR's and information on how to get started but few websites get past the basics. I hope to provide a deeper view into femdom and the FLR with specific examples and ideas to help build a sustainable FLR. This view will be based on my many years of experience in such a relationship as well as knowledge and view points that I have learned through others.
I have titled my blog the Femdom Think Tank because I would like to encourage others to share experiences and ideas. There is no one right way to run a FLR. Each person and each relationship is unique. What works for one person or couple may not work for another. The best thing one can do is read as much as possible about the lifestyle and then decide what things would work for them. If something resonates with you then try it. If something turns your stomach sour then forget about it and move on.
To the lovey and beautiful women out there, you are all Goddesses. If you are new to the lifestyle or just trying to learn it then you have come to the right place. This blog will provide practical advice and examples of FLR. Feel free to send me a note if there are certain topics you would like covered. If you are a women who is experienced in femdom/FLR, please share your opinions and thoughts by commenting. You are also welcome to post a blog on my site. My hope is to have different view points and ideas for readers to read. If you feel inspired to add a blog, you may e-mail it to me and I will post.
To all the wonderful submissive men, feel free to read and comment on the blogs. Be respectful of myself, other women, and other men that contribute to the comments and blogs. My hope is that through this blog you will learn things to help you be a better husband to your wife or a better partner to your significant other. Being submissive does not make you weak. I do not subscribe to the idea that submission is mindless obedience. My submissive husband is a smart and intelligent man who thinks on his own. He just knows his place in our marriage is at my feet and he knows that I have the final say on all matters. A man who embraces submission and obedience towards women is a happy man. Embrace your submission and discover the joy!
There are many websites with information about FLR's and information on how to get started but few websites get past the basics. I hope to provide a deeper view into femdom and the FLR with specific examples and ideas to help build a sustainable FLR. This view will be based on my many years of experience in such a relationship as well as knowledge and view points that I have learned through others.
I have titled my blog the Femdom Think Tank because I would like to encourage others to share experiences and ideas. There is no one right way to run a FLR. Each person and each relationship is unique. What works for one person or couple may not work for another. The best thing one can do is read as much as possible about the lifestyle and then decide what things would work for them. If something resonates with you then try it. If something turns your stomach sour then forget about it and move on.
To the lovey and beautiful women out there, you are all Goddesses. If you are new to the lifestyle or just trying to learn it then you have come to the right place. This blog will provide practical advice and examples of FLR. Feel free to send me a note if there are certain topics you would like covered. If you are a women who is experienced in femdom/FLR, please share your opinions and thoughts by commenting. You are also welcome to post a blog on my site. My hope is to have different view points and ideas for readers to read. If you feel inspired to add a blog, you may e-mail it to me and I will post.
To all the wonderful submissive men, feel free to read and comment on the blogs. Be respectful of myself, other women, and other men that contribute to the comments and blogs. My hope is that through this blog you will learn things to help you be a better husband to your wife or a better partner to your significant other. Being submissive does not make you weak. I do not subscribe to the idea that submission is mindless obedience. My submissive husband is a smart and intelligent man who thinks on his own. He just knows his place in our marriage is at my feet and he knows that I have the final say on all matters. A man who embraces submission and obedience towards women is a happy man. Embrace your submission and discover the joy!
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