Sex Redefined For the Submissive

In a previous post, "Redirecting His Sexual Energy," I wrote about how sex for submissive men evolves into something new.  Here is a quote from that post:

"His sexual pleasure comes from being controlled, being mentally fucked, and pleasuring and obeying her. That is his sex. It is constant arousal with a few burst of intense pleasure thrown in every now then. The submissive man does not have physical sex and orgasm as much as a man in a traditional marriage but his sex life is much better and more intense because his wife is constantly stoking his arousal and sexual energy. Most guys that experience this never want to go back to the traditional way."

This concept resonated with many readers so I decided to expand on it more with this post to help my fellow Female Goddesses understand some of what drives men to submit and serve. I owe much credit to my husband for this post because I picked his brain a lot when writing this. Of course, he is my property and therefore all the credit goes to me anyway :). 

Teasing and Orgasm Denial (T&D) Redefine His Sex Life

A man who has very few orgasms and very few chances at intercourse but who has an incredible and intense sexual life, makes perfect sense to me. However, when I think back to when I first learned about female domination (femdom) and wife led marriage (WLM) the idea of teasing and orgasm denial (or orgasm control) was strange to me. When my husband first confessed his desire for me to control his orgasms, it was humorous to me and I remember thinking it was strange. I immediately questioned him in a joking way by saying something like, "you mean I can forbid you from having an orgasm for two months if I want?"I totally expected him to back-pedal on his desire so it completely surprised me when he told me that if that's what I wanted, I could do it. It seemed crazy to me at the time but it sounded like fun to try. And trust me, I had a lot of fun with it the first few weeks and have never turned back since.

I soon realized that my husband wanted me to always orgasm before him and that he found it exceptionally thrilling if he gave me an orgasm while I denied him from having an orgasm. I must confess it is nice having a man completely focused on my pleasure and expecting no orgasm in return. However, deep down there was that burning question of why does he not want to orgasm with me or what is he getting out of it? Even my husband admitted that when he first learned about orgasm denial, he did not understand why guys would want to be denied orgasm. Why would a guy want to be denied the intense pleasure that he naturally craves on a daily basis?

What I've learned over the years is that there are two key reasons that submissive guys get hooked on T&D. The first is the submissive rush they get from being controlled by a female. Submissive guys enjoy being under the authority of someone else and they crave experiences in which they feel strictly controlled. When a female takes control of when and how a guy can orgasm, it brings out those deep submissive feelings and those submissive feelings generate arousal. Since guys pretty much want to masturbate every day, when their wife controls their orgasms, it means on a daily basis they are feeling her control because they are either locked in chastity or must exert self-control to refrain from masturbating to orgasm, The second reason is to experience the intense arousal and pleasure of being teased and denied orgasm. This is often a learned experience for a guy. Many guys will reject the idea of denial because they don't understand the pleasure that comes from it. Most guys have their sights set on the orgasm. However, once a guy experiences the pleasure of teasing and denial it opens up a new world of pleasure for him and after a few times many guys become hooked.

We all know that orgasms result in amazing and intense pleasure that can not be replicated by any other means. Let's face it, orgasms are great! However, for men they are short and for a lot of guys getting to the orgasm is very quick. There is a reason why "the two minute man" is a common joke. Most guys are also 'one and done.' Not only are they done after one orgasm, but they become completely checked out and disinterested in the women. So while guys love sex, it is typically a quick experience and results in him shutting down afterward. 

Guys who discover T&D, learn that it leads to long lasting pleasure. There is pleasure during the teasing that ebbs and flows continuously and there is a rush of pleasure at the moment of denial. Unlike an orgasm, the rush of pleasure from denial does not suddenly drop. In fact, the guy usually has to concentrate and fight to lower the pleasure so that he does not orgasm. Riding on the edge of orgasm and being brought to the edge over and over again results in intense and long-lasting physical and mental pleasure. After denial he is still in a very heightened aroused state, which means his wife or girlfriend can still use him for her pleasure. The arousal even continues after his partner is done with him. After an intense T&D session with my husband, it will often take him over an hour to calm himself down and come off the erotic high. Even after the erotic high fades, he remains very horny for days. In those following days my dominance keeps fueling his arousal so that his horniness never completely fades away between T&D sessions.

A big difference between T&D and traditional sex with orgasm is that T&D taps deep into the guys emotions and mental state. Not only is there physical pleasure but he is mentally fucked by his partner. He enjoys the physical pleasure but he must mentally fight to not give in completely to the pleasure. This mind fuck enhances the physical pleasure while also keeping the pleasure flowing long after the wife or girlfriend is done with him. That is what makes it exciting and addictive for guys. I've heard from many guys that they are disappointed when their wife allows them an orgasm because they would rather experience the rush of pleasure from being denied and they do not want to experience the post orgasm drop.

I believe T&D is the most significant factor that changes the submissive's sex life, which is why I've dedicate a few paragraphs in this post on the topic. When a guy continues to experience T&D, he discovers that the long-lasting pleasure associated with it is a better experience than traditional sex with a short and intense orgasm. He also prefers the benefit of remaining horny and energized after denial versus experiencing the post orgasm "drop," 

Female Control and Authority Redefine His Sex Life

The next most significant factor that changes the submissive's sex life, is his craving and desire to experience female control and authority. Submissive men get aroused when they are dominated by their wife or girlfriend. The more a wife/GF embraces her dominance and applies is to her husband/BF the more submissive he becomes toward her and the more aroused he gets from it. When you combine ongoing T&D with regular dominance, it is life-changing for the guy. T&D multiplies the effects of her dominance and the arousal that the submissive experiences from it. A guy who is kept in a perpetual state of horniness by his partner, becomes easily controlled, trained, and conditioned. His mind and body thrive on the regular pleasure and therefore he begins to follow whatever path brings him more pleasure. His mind is conditioned to associate acts of dominance with pleasure and therefore, he becomes easily aroused at the littlest acts of dominance. 

All I need to do is change my tone of voice to strict and authoritative and *boom* my husband gets aroused. If I correct him or question his actions, his cock will stir in his pants. He is excited to do errands for me and he becomes very submissive when doing chores. Compare this to a traditional man and a traditional marriage and this behavior is completely bizarre. How many guys do you know, that will get excited from doing errands for their wife or will take criticism without question or argument? Not many. Before our WLM, my husband would not. He was submissive then but he would not get aroused from me telling him what to do. The difference after WLM is that over time my dominance in combination with T&D changed his mindset.

A Paradigm Shift

Many submissive men who are subject to both domination and T&D on a regular basis, go through a complete paradigm shift in the way they think and in what arouses them. A paradigm shift is a fundamental change in theory or principle assumptions. A real-world historical example is the shift from thinking that the earth is flat to theory that the earth is round. When a big shift in theory occurs, suddenly people think differently and a whole new world of opportunities and discoveries exist.

The paradigm shift that occurs with the submissive sex life is that he no longer views sex as the physical act of intercourse. Achieving an orgasm is no longer the end goal when it comes to sex. Sex becomes about the pleasure he experiences through many channels. These channels includes T&D, pleasuring his wife, being controlled and dominated, being humiliated, visual (e.g. her naked body) and physical touch. Sex to him evolves to encompass many deep emotional and psychological triggers and pleasures. He can easily become fully aroused without ever being touched and he is not only satisfied by that pleasure, he is thrilled by it! 

In this new sex paradigm, he seeks frequent and constant pleasure as opposed to a one and done intense orgasm. Providing oral pleasure to his wife is sex to him. Bringing her to orgasm with his tongue while he is denied, is thrilling and satisfying for him. He savors every moment between her legs and the long lasting arousal that he experiences afterward is a thrilling high for him. Commands and reprimands from his wife are like foreplay to him, that can cause his cock to stir in his pants and grow hard. This is especially true when in an aroused and submissive state-of-mind, which is the norm for a guy who is teased and denied. It's may be hard for women to comprehend, but in this new paradigm, just about every form of control and authority that is exerted, results in some form of pleasure for the submissive guy. He craves this pleasure, which means he craves your control and authority. He wants more and more of it and he can't get enough. He wants to pleasure you because that brings him pleasure. He wants to give you orgasms over and over again and your orgasms are like orgasms to him.

Think of it this way ladies, every time you command him, reprimand him, or exert any form of authority over him, you are stroking his cock with your words and actions. That is his foreplay. Whenever you are teasing his cock, sexually dominating or humiliating him, or he is pleasuring you, that is the equivalent of him having sex with you because in those moment you are fucking his mind and the mind fuck is his sex!  I will end this post with the quote that I started with because it really sums it up well:

"His sexual pleasure comes from being controlled, being mentally fucked, and pleasuring and obeying her. That is his sex. It is constant arousal with a few burst of intense pleasure thrown in every now then. The submissive man does not have physical sex and orgasm as much as a man in a traditional marriage but his sex life is much better and more intense because his wife is constantly stoking his arousal and sexual energy. Most guys that experience this never want to go back to the traditional way."

 

-Mz Kaylee

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Guest Post: Male Conditioning by Khorina

Khorina is a male reader of the blog and had contributed the thoughts below on male conditioning. I find this to be an interesting and fun topic. The techniques he describes below work and are great tools for a wife or girlfriend to have in her "dominant" toolbox. An example in my own marriage, is that early on in our WLM, I conditioned my husband to be aroused and excited from massaging my feet. Now whenever I demand a foot massage, he is very excited to do it and gets an erection before he even starts. He is always to be naked or in just panties when he massages me so there is no hiding his arousal.  I also experimented a bit with stirring his arousal through perfume scent. It was working for me but I am not big on wearing perfume so I never stuck with it.   - Mz Kaylee

Thoughts on Conditioning by Khorina: 

I think any men, not only submissive, can be conditioned by women. In a totally vanilla environment, I once heard 'traditional' women talking about how they made their husbands behave in nicer ways by showing or withholding enthusiasm to their behaviors: a wife said she stopped her husband from being rough by showing she was bored while he was rough; another wife replying she would be 'excited' when the husband came back early.

Unknowingly, my Queen conditioned me to Her armpits. It started cause we started making love in a winter and there was a relation for me seeing Her armpits and making love. i always related smooth armpits with females, but i didn't see it as a fetish, just as something feminine. As I shared this with Her, She started purposely showing off Her armpits while making love, seducing me. Although i liked Her scent, it was really about the visual. Summer arrived and i pointed out how beautiful She was with blouses/dresses that showed Her armpits. She would playfully fix Her hair and I'd get crazy. She also started using it to relax me as I was going through job stress. Through repetition, it just naturally became established as something positive. At some point, it became a reward for good behavior. Finally She just realized it's something She could use to make me submissive to Her needs, and has been using it like that. She was never big about sex so we started moving towards my chastity for some time, but when at the end of last year we had a circumstance that gave us a reason to go for total abstinence, She said She'd help me by giving me 'rewards'. Nine months into it and i'm more and more submissive and She knows i'd look to keep Her happy every day to be able to kiss Her shoulder or see Her armpit. Crazy how the thing that She used to condition me (armpits, or panties in your post) has now become MUCH more important and increased my submission than what was supposed to be goal (making love). 

Khorina

No Talking Rule

As I noted in a previous post, some of the rules and protocols that I used during Boot Camp with my husband, I decided to continue outside of Boot Camp. One rule that I've used regularly since Boot Camp is the no talking rule. At least once a week I designate a time frame when Thomas is not to speak unless I ask him a direct question. Sometimes it occurs on a weeknight after work and a few times I've used the rule all day on Saturday or Sunday. On days when talking is allowed, I've been working with him (code for training him) on only speaking when he has something of value to add that I want to hear. In other words, I don't want him to insert his opinion when it's not needed and I don't want him to talk about things that annoy me or that I have no interest in. The training is going quite well!

I have to admit that it is fabulous to have him sit quietly next to me and only talk when I ask him a question. It is also enjoyable that I can order him to do something and he can not question me or add his own commentary. He just obeys without a word. I like that a lot!! In that past he has frequently told me that he feels owned by me. Well I can tell you that his obedience without comment gives me the feeling of ownership of him.

Recently, on one of the evenings in which the no talking rule was in effect, I was in the mood for sex. When I gave him permission to pleasure me, I also reminded him that he was not allowed to talk. The only words he was allowed to say were "please stop," if he was about to have an orgasm. I also decided not to say much so he had to pay close attention to my body language and follow my lead on how to pleasure me. Eventually I ended up on top of him, riding him until I had an orgasm.  When I was done I told him how great it was and before he could respond, I told him again in a firm tone, that he was not allowed to talk. He was to remain silent until the morning. He was fully aroused but all he could do was lay silently next to me while I read in bed.

It was fun and exciting for me to tease his cock and use him for my pleasure without him being allowed to talk or orgasm. He was silent before, during, and after sex. This made him completely submissive and 100% focused on me and my pleasure. He existed as my sex toy to play with and use anyway I wanted. This parallels the concepts written about in the guest post a few weeks ago from Mistress Kym on objectification. In particular, her words "you own it, and use it as you desire or need," resonated well with my experience.  

It was an exciting experience for both Thomas and I and one that I will most definitely do again!

-Mz Kaylee

Guest Post: Objectification and femdom: what's behind? (by Mistress Kym)

Below is a guest post from Mistress Kym on objectification. I am thrilled to share her post because she writes from the perspective of a female led relationship. As you know, my writings are based on my experiences in a wife led marriage. While both types of relationships (FLR and WLM) incorporate femdom and have similarities, there are also differences between the two and the dynamic in a FLR can be much different than a WLM. Thank you Mistress Kym for bringing this perspective and sharing your thoughts. -Mz Kaylee

Objectification and femdom: what’s behind?

 

First of all, I would like to introduce myself. I am Mistress Kym, a girl next door who became a domme and started a real and authentic 24/7 femdom relationship with her boyfriend (and future submissive). 

Let’s go back to our topic.

Objectification happens when a Mistress treats her submissive as an object. It is a very powerful action, it is something that deeply impacts the other person.

In normal life, there are several reasons why you do that, but one of the main goals is to take away somebody else’s identity and personality. 

 In femdom, a Mistress uses objectification to basically humiliate her submissive, to punish him, or to get her own pleasure. Later on, we will find out why, and how she does it.

 

Objectification for Mistress Kym

From my point of view, objectification is a practice that has to be introduced slowly in the relationship: first verbally and then physically. When I say that, I mean that you need to talk about it within the couple and make sure that both partners agree and are aware of the possible (positive and/or negative) consequences. When everything is clear, the Mistress can use it with her submissive.

This is my suggestion, of course, you can deal with it as you prefer.

In my femdom relationship, I mainly use 3 practices (not necessarily all at the same time) in which my sub loses his identity and personality: objectification, depersonalization, sensory deprivation.

 

When it’s session-time, I warm up the atmosphere with some worship practices, or whatever I feel like doing. But, when he reaches a certain level of arousal, it’s time to switch attitude and get more impactful. At that time, I order my sub to either:

- transform himself into an object as, e.g., my human furniture (tea table, footstool, etc.) > OBJECTIFICATION; or

- wear a full-face mask, in order to depersonalize him > DEPERSONALIZATION; or

- wear blindfold, gag, earplugs and anything useful for sensory deprivation and movement limitation (handcuffs, ropes, etc.) > SENSORY DEPRIVATION

 

Objectification is used in other ways, but instrumentality and ownership are the most common applications. 

You may agree when we say that it is easier to control someone who lost his identity. 

In femdom, frustration, humiliation, and despair will make your sub more maneuverable. You own “it”, and you use “it” as you desire or need.

 

Emotional impact 

Initially, you both (Mistress and sub) may feel uncomfortable during this practice. Let’s find out why.

The human being (as homo sapiens) is different from other living beings (animals, plants) mainly because he/she feels emotions, and during the entire life, he/she builds his/her own personality and identity according to his/her values. We are all different, but we have a common objective: living an intense life, tailored to our desires, values, and aiming to happiness. Objectification disrupts everything I just mentioned. 

During objectification practices, the Mistress takes everything away from her submissive, leaving him as an empty body without a soul. 

On the other side, the submissive will go through a practice that belittles him and transforms him into “something” and not “someone”. It is extremely humiliating.

This is why it may be weird when you initially objectify your submissive.

 

This said, believe me when I say that it is normal for a Mistress to feel guilty or feel sorry for her “object”. The good news is that there is a solution for that!

 

The “cure” has to be applied before and after the practice:

- before: openly discuss it with your sub. Let him understand what’s behind your actions, explain to him why you do that, and make sure he is aware that there is nothing wrong with that.

- after: take some time and reassure him explaining that objectification is part of your lifestyle, show him a bit of love, and take seriously his reactions. Aftercare is a must because you, as a Mistress, are responsible for your submissive, for his physical and mental health. 

In both cases, remember that communication is very, very important in femdom or BDSM practices. 

 

Tools: yes or no?

There are different schools of thought. Some say that it is more powerful to use BDSM tools during the practice, others say that it is not necessary at all.

What would I say? Well, do it as you feel, as long as the experience is deep and pleasant for the two of you. Personally, I use tools for sensory deprivation or depersonalization only. But you can succeed also without using anything. 

Free your fantasy and creativity, it will be wonderful!

All in all, objectification is one of the most impactful practices as it goes deep into someone else feelings, emotions, and personality. 

Do not forget that your sub surrendered to you, and has total trust in you and in each of your actions. Despite all, he is still a human being so, in the beginning, be careful and care about him and his feelings. Do everything you need to have an intense and pleasant sexual experience. 

If you want to know more about that and other femdom/BDSM topics, you can read my personal blog.