Sunday, June 26, 2016

Tapping Into His Submissive Mind - Orgasm Control

As noted in my last post, I would like to share some ideas and techniques for tapping into the male submissive mind.  My hope is that both women who are starting out in a FLR and those who are well into a FLR find something useful in my writing and apply it in their relationship.  When starting out in a FLR there are so many options to consider and it is often challenging for the woman to make sense of everything and figure out what to do.  For women who start to figure it out and successfully move forward with a FLR, the challenge becomes keeping the FLR going strong and keeping him obedient and disciplined without having the work effort consume all your time.  It seems that there is a ton of blogs and articles on how to get started in a FLR but I don't see much writing on the maintaining the FLR or advanced FLR techniques.  I hope to fill that gap with my blog.

The starting point for this discussion was easy for me to figure out and probably no surprise to many of you.  The best place I thought to start this discussion was with orgasm denial or what I think is more appropriately termed for a FLR, orgasm control and management.  With orgasm control your are not just denying him orgasm; you are taking control of when and how he can orgasm.  For simplicity sake, I will refer to it as Orgasm Control (OC) in my writing. 

 OC is the obvious staring point for discussion because most couples in a FLR incorporate some form of OC in their relationship and it becomes a core component of the relationship. If you are familiar with OC, please bear with me while I bring others up to speed. OC is the concept of the wife taking control and ownership of the man's orgasm.  She determines when and how he orgasms.  He must have her permission to orgasm.  This means no masturbating for him unless she allows it. Typically the husband is regularly denied orgasm and given permission to orgasm on an infrequent basis.  The time frame between orgasms is up to her and varies greatly by couples.  For some people it is days, for others it is weeks, and some even go months without orgasm.  Usually what happens is in the beginning it is just days and then overtime as the couple experiments with it and the man builds up a tolerance, the time frame becomes longer.  With my husband, Thomas, I like to vary the time frame to keep him guessing.  He typically goes 6 - 8 weeks without an orgasm.  Some times it will be shorter and sometimes I will make him go even longer.

Orgasm denial is one of those concepts that seem bizarre or just does not make sense on the surface.  It is easy for a wife to feel confused if her husband proposes the idea.  A woman may even feel there is something wrong with her if her husband does not want to have an orgasm.  These are all natural feelings and that is why it is important for the husband to help his wife understand the reasoning for wanting to be denied. 

If it is being approached from the opposite direction in which the wife is wanting to enforce OC on her husband, it is an equally sensitive topic.  It usually requires the wife to take it slow and even seduce or slowly rationalize her husband into trying it.  Once he begins to experience it, he often becomes hooked and even addicted to OC.  There is a lot of information about this on the Internet so I will leave that up to you to research if  you want to know more on how to introduce your husband to OC.  What I would like to discuss is the dynamics behind OC and why it is a powerful tool in the FLR.

It is important to understand that OC is not just about denying him orgasms. If you took the extreme and just ignored your husband's sexual desires and did not allow him to orgasm, it accomplishes nothing.  In fact it would probably create resentment with him. It would be no different than a vanilla marriage in which there is no sex.  We all know this scenario usually ends with an affair.  This certainly is not the goal of OC.  OC involves taking active control and ownership of his orgasms.  You are still engaging in sexual play with him, but he is not permitted orgasm without your permission. Thomas is never....let me repeat, never allowed to have an orgasm without my permission.  He must always ask for permission before having an orgasm, even if we are in the heat of the moment. He has also been trained to not expect an orgasm.  He will ask, but he knows the answer will most likely be no so he must always be planning to restrain himself from orgasm.  If he has an accident, he will be held accountable and will be punished.  If I find out he masturbated, you better believe he will be punished and it will be a very unpleasant punishment.  He understands these consequences. 

There are two key benefits to OC.  The first is maintaining his sexual energy and interest in you.  It is well known that the minute a man has an orgasm, his sexual energy diminishes significantly, he becomes tired, and he loses interest in the woman.  The loss of interest and sexual energy can even last for days.  By limiting his orgasms, a woman can keep his sexual energy high on a regular basis.  If he is denied orgasm during sexual play, she can assure that her needs are completely attended to and even expect continued attention and pampering afterward.  It truly is wonderful.

The second major benefit is that it establishes the wife's authority over him and puts her at the center of his focus.  The woman becomes the gatekeeper for his orgasms.  Men are highly sexual creatures and are constantly wanting to orgasm. The only way to get an orgasm now is through the wife.  He knows that he must be on his best behavior and please her in order for her to ultimately give him permission to orgasm.  This forces all his energies to be focused on her.  Prior to OC he could turn to porn and masturbation for release but now he must focus on pleasing her to get release. 

Remember in my last post when I noted that men thing about sext several times an hour?  Well now when he thinks about sex, he is going to be thinking about how to please his wife in order to get release.  One of the most fascinating confessions from Thomas was about how his sexual daydreams changed as a result of my control over him and his orgasms.  Previously, when he daydreamed or thought about sext 2 - 3 times an hour, he would mostly fantasize about situations with other women (yes, men do this.  Do not take is personally.  It's just how their brains are wired). Once OC was in place his fantasies evolved around me and he began to day dream about different scenarios of me teasing him and different things I would "force" him to do in order to earn an orgasm.  Wow!  What a confession and what a significant change. He basically admitted that he was thinking about me all day.  I became the center of his focus and these daydreams fueled his desire to be obedient to me even more.  It was a confession I will never forget and one that helped build my confidence in being the dominant partner.

Establishing OC in a relationship is a HUGE step for the woman in creating real power and authority over her husband. At first it may seem like fantasy but over time the dynamic establishes real power and authority. Once you've established OC, you have tremendous leverage and power over him that can be used to influence and motivate him.The first week Thomas and I experimented with OC, we were like horny little teenagers.  I think I teased and denied him every night, while making him give me orgasms.  It was a ton of fun for both of us and it really drove him wild.  Let's just say I really enjoyed this new power and he loved all the attention he was getting from me.  I had no clue what I was getting into.  At that time for me, it was just kinky fun and fantasy play. However, once we started with OC, we always kept the rule in place that I was in charge of his orgasm. For Thomas this was a new reality and forced him to come to me when he was horny and I think I was surprised that he actually did it and stuck with it.  In a matter of weeks, I began to realize I had a real authority over him and that it was more than just fantasy.  Fast forward to today, and it is an integral and natural part of our lifestyle.  

While this may be a power move for the woman, when done right, it also becomes a fantasy come true for the man.  Yes, believe it or not, most men love OC.  It is a win-win scenario for the relationship.  For many submissive men, just the idea or thought of you owning their orgasm is a thrill because they love the power dynamic and the feeling of being controlled and owned.  To drive Thomas wild, all I have to do is spend a few minutes telling him how I own him, I own his orgasm, and I can decide whether or not he'll ever be allowed to orgasm again.  I don't even have to touch him.  This kind of talk will get him all horned up.  He is so weak. lol.  Now when you combine OC with sexual play and lost of teasing of his cock or even using it to exert control over your husband, that's what drive men wild.

I recommend teasing your man regularly and bringing him to the brink of orgasm often.  I try to bring Thomas to an erection daily and bring him to the brink of orgasm a few times a week.  Don't worry, it really is not hard work. When you are practicing OC, he is always horny and so getting him hard is as easy as walking up to him in the middle of the day and rubbing his crotch for a minute or two (or less!). The purpose of this is to ensure that his OC is pleasurable so that he stays interested in OC and also focused on you.  He now knows that not only do you control his orgasms, but you also provide him with pleasure.  You may even find that he tries to spend more time with you or near you in hopes of getting a little rub.  I've notice this with Thomas. It really is cute and I love it.  So now instead of turning to porn for pleasure, he is conditioned to come to you and try to please you in order to get pleasure.

Now here is the interesting things with men (most men). Their arousal just seems to build and build. With OC and continued teasing, they can be in a continuous state of arousal.  This means high energy and more focus on you. Thomas always tells me that he is perpetually aroused and he loves it.  I have read several accounts where men admitted that the longer they were denied, the weaker their will power became and the more they wanted to please their wife.  Through continued denial and teasing it is as if their mind slowly turns to mush.  Some men even admit that their thoughts become more perverted as their arousal builds over time.  That's when you get the, "Ill do anything you want" response.  Think of all the possibilities ladies???

I do notice with Thomas, that when he is highly aroused or has been denied for a long period of time, he becomes somewhat obsessed with submission and sexual thoughts.  That's usually when I get notes from him confessing his desire to serve me and be obedient to me and even wanting to worship me. This is clear proof of how powerful OC can be.  It drives a deep submissive state of mind for Thomas and a desire to obey me. 

Now with some men, long-term denial causes stress and anxiety.  It is important to monitor this and respond accordingly. If you notice this anxiety, then it probably is time to allow him to orgasm.  Not all men react positively to OC and some men can not handle long-term denial. You need to adapt to your situation.  When Thomas starts to get very annoying and needy, I know it is time to allow an orgasm.

One note of caution, is that even with OC, you should still allow for recovery time after an orgasm.  In fact your man may crash even harder after an orgasm if he has been denied orgasm for a long period of time.  This is just the natural biological response of the male body and you need to allow for it.  When Thomas has an orgasm, there is usually a day or two afterward in which I keep a bit of a distance from him to allow him to recoup and reenergize.  Of course, there is a solution for that to.  Ruined orgasms are a great way to avoid the post-orgasm crash but that is a topic for another day.....

I will end with one final thought.  The great thing about orgasm control for the man is that even though he is being denied orgasms, the sexual attention and activity from his wife is much higher than before OC.  With OC, men experience the intense thrill of teasing and arousal and this becomes more exciting than the orgasm itself.  I would say the man under OC has a much better sex life and is happier than the man who is not under OC.

-MzKaylee.













17 comments:

  1. I totally agree with your thoughts on OC. My wife controls my orgasm and strangely enough now, I am somewhat disappointed when she tells allows me to have one. Yes, the thrill of teasing and denial is more exciting than an orgasm and though I love to orgasm, I am very conflicted when she says I can. I want orgasm, but I also want to stay on that high of arousal. Such a wonderful conflict! Yes, I am much happier under OC and crave ever more submission to my wife.

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    1. Thanks for sharing Bill. My husband shares the same view as you. What I find is that after awhile, Thomas gets too comfortable with the denial. It's tough in the beginning but then at a certain point he gets into a zone, where he is aroused but comfortable with the denial. I will let him ride that zone for a bit, but then I allow the orgasm to break it up. When he starts over again, it becomes more of a challenge again. I often vary the timeframes for release to keep him guessing. If I allow him to orgasm a few times within a short period of time, it then becomes harder for him to go back to a longer denial. I like that. It keeps it fresh and exciting for both of us.

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  2. "I want orgasm, but I also want to stay on that high of arousal."

    I can relate. It's hard for me to convey to my wife, because even I don't understand my simultaneous desire to orgasm with being denied that intense pleasure. During denial periods, it's as if we have days- or weeks- long foreplay, where I'm constantly thinking about her.

    "men experience the intense thrill of teasing and arousal and this becomes more exciting than the orgasm itself"
    I love that my wife's orgasms are far more intense than mine, and that she doesn't get that "crash" that I do afterwards. We both enjoy me caressing her as she is in post-orgasmic bliss, and when she's fully recovered, I will typically go back to kissing her ("post-play"?), regaining my erection if I've lost it, and then she decides next steps. My post orgasm crash (I like the term "orgasm hangover") can be intense and sometimes I wonder if it's "worth it". Yes, it's pleasurable, but it takes me a while to recover. She has openly regretting letting me come sometimes. I will say - from a submissive husband's standpoint - that getting me teased and aroused is a very important part of the denial process. I get depressed if I don't get a solid erection every few days.

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    1. These are great insights for our women readers. Thanks for sharing. Most definitely, the post-play is a big advantage of denial. After I have an orgasm, I enjoy that my husband is still very interested in pleasing me. I often have to tell him to go away. lol!

      The regular teasing is important. I am glad you brought that up and how it makes you feel when it is lacking. It is good for women to understand this. Denial is not about denying intimacy or sexual play. It is about denying orgasm only. A man still needs the sexual play and intimacy. When given that regularly he is satisfied - maybe a little frustrated :) but still satisfied.

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  3. WOW!...incredible post from Mz. Kaylee!! I absolutely want to establish OC into our relationship. Now comes the difficult part of bringing this delicate subject up to my wife. Although not here yet, the day is on the horizon. Would welcome any suggestions on how to initiate this subject with her.

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  4. I am glad you liked this. You just need to have a direct conversation with her on the topic. How you approach the conversation, depends on her personality and what you think works best. Since I don't know much about you or her, it's hard to give specific advice but a few approaches to consider:

    - Initially approach it as fantasy play. Try it for a weekend, or defined period of time. If it works out good, it can lead to further discussion about permanent control. In the beginning you could try do it as fantasy once a month and then over time, it may lead to more permanent control.

    > Share articles about the topic with your wife to help her understand the concept and why you want. The "Why" is very important because it can be confusing for her to understand this.

    > Talk about what is in it for her. Ensure you are taking care of her needs or desires as part of implementing OC. A common mistake men make is all they are thinking about is themselves and what they want.

    If she does agree to try it, be patient and have open communication with her. This is not an easy concept to understand for most women. In the beginning it is hard to judge when to allow an orgasm or not. It is hard to say 'no' when he is begging for release (although it becomes easy and fun once you are experienced at it).

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  5. "With OC, men experience the intense thrill of teasing and arousal and this becomes more exciting than the orgasm itself."

    Right! This is why I don't have any interest in orgasms anymore. This 5 seconds steal my energy, arousal, desire and lust for my wife. If feels much better to keep my energy and to abstain from orgasms. My wife still needs time to understand that but not having orgasms for 3 months now is absolutely great - and she feels it too. Hard to unterstand for someone without that experience...

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  6. So, Mz Kaylee, you said: "If he has an accident, he will be held accountable and will be punished. If I find out he masturbated, you better believe he will be punished and it will be a very unpleasant punishment. He understands these consequences."

    Care to comment on the punishment you use? Your colleague "Yoga Girl" said this on her FLR 101 Blog:

    "I bought a shock training collar used to humanely train dogs."

    "It delivered a very aversive stimulus. It's stopped masturbation for the last year and any intentional spills during intercourse. All animals find electric shock aversive. The collar is there in the background. It's in the house, and my husband knows I'll use it."

    How about you Mz Kaylee? What's your "aversive" technique for punishing the evil of unauthorized ejaculation.

    See https://flr101.blogspot.com/2016/07/abolishing-your-husbands-masturbation-habit-female-led-relationship.html

    I recommended waterboarding to her because it saves on batteries. What do you like to do?

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  7. The male orgasm is designed for conception. This should remain. The frequent male orgasms trigger promiscuous male instinct. Orgasm denial and OC is a powerful way, that a man is always concerned for the woman he loves, that he wants to satisfy her.
    A man needs excitement, sexual and not sexual. It provides orgasm denial. Short orgasm denial gives poor results. Four weeks of orgasm denial is minimum which is hardly a good period. 6 to 8 weeks is a good period, 8 to 10 weeks is an excellent period.
    During Denial man wants two things:
    1. To remain in a state of arousal.
    2. To remove the tension.
    Over time, the first thing it becomes more important than second.


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  8. I wear CB 6000s with KSD G3. Before marriage I was addicted to porn and masturbation. In FLR relationship is basic to avoid male masturbation.
    Control of the male orgasm is the next step. When husband ejaculate he loses energy and interest for his wife.

    My wife teasing me every day about half an hour. My denial period is about 2 months. During denial I have a strong tension in the balls, I'm always excited. All I want is to satisfy my wife.
    When I get an orgasm, suddenly disappears my energy and all desires for my wife. It takes days for me to recover from orgasm and to again have strong desire to satisfy my wife. Ruined orgasm is better. After such an orgasm takes me half a day to back on-line. My wife loves that after denial I get ruined orgasm.
    I like emotional stability, which provides ruined orgasm to me. I do not like large fluctuations in strong emotions.

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  9. Wonderful post! Sorry for my late comment but I am a new reader to your blog so just catching up to all of your great posts including this one. Sorry this will be a long comment to this post and I will have to break it up into several comments. It just won't all fit but I am so excited about this topic and the results it has had in my relationship that I have to share :)

    I am a female, married, and in the 4th year of what I would consider a true FLR relationship. As I would guess to be the case with most women in these type of relationships, the idea of it did not in any way originate with me (I had absolutely no idea of what FLR was) and was introduced to the concepts of the lifestyle through my husbands direction (here - please take a look at this website type of thing). That was 4 years ago. Today I am quite happy and firmly grown into my role as the dominant and controlling leader of our marriage. My husband also seems content with his submissive/follower role in our relationship from all things I can measure. At this point there would be no turning back to a vanilla relationship for us, at least in my book, and I think my husband is quite aware of this fact. There are times when he struggles with certain aspects of his diminished and supporting role in our marriage, but my firmness and resolve keeps him from ever straying to far from what has become the new normal in our lives.He quickly comes back into the fold whenever he strays to far.

    FLR didn’t come easily to us at first, not at all, but that's where we have now evolved to in our relationship. It started more as a part time sex game for us but has slowly evolved to all areas or our lives, both sexual and non sexual. Its truly a cornerstone of our relationship now and not just some sort of male fantasy fad as may have been the case when we first started with it. Both my husband and I are now very established and satisfied with the current state of our marriage and our respective roles within it. I have certainly grown to love my overall dominance in the marriage. He certainly still it allowed to vocalize and to have his say in all major aspects of our relationship as would be expected within a marriage between two consenting adults, but his thoughts and viewpoints are now more advisory and secondary in their nature and my word is the final and deciding word in our relationship and we have both come to accept this fact. The majority of the time this arrangement works out very well for us.

    While FLR is now the cornerstone element in our marriage, the most important tool that I have found in my toolkit for establishing and maintaining that sort of relationship is orgasm control. Everything else seems to have stemmed and grown primarily from this one source of behavioural control and modification. It really is quite true that a man thinks with his penis and that the way to his heart is through his penis. Control the cock and you control the man. At least this is what I have found to be true in my marriage. I ration all of my husbands orgasm quite severely. He gets to have some sort of orgasm about 4 times a year, on average now. His overall behaviour and attitude can influence this number both positively and negatively within a year (so he does retain some basic control of his ability to orgasm), but that's what we seem to be averaging. Its up to me and to a much lesser degree him as well.

    Angelina

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  10. I will define orgasm in my book as any form of external stimulation to his body which results in any significant output of semen flowing out of his penis (not talking about pre-cum but an actual flow and puddling of sperm in any significant quantity). Whether this is achieved though penis to vagina, penis to mouth, hand to penis, no touching of the penis altogether, or any other method of my choice, its all the same. If he emits semen it counts as an orgasm for him. We no longer measure his orgasms as something solely originating from direct with my vagina, in fact those types of orgasms for him have become truly rare. An orgasm also doesn’t necessarily mean a full on intensity eruption of semen as well. Most of his emissions are now quite gentle and effeminate now. The bottom line is though, no matter their source or their intensity, he lives to get his orgasms and will just about do anything to put himself in my good graces where I grant him one. Its a reward for a job well done and I don’t give out rewards easily. The fact that my man is constantly thinking about his cock and when he will next get the opportunity to make some semen for me, it is this fact which allows me to control his behaviour and as result, my marriage, quite easily. Everything else in our marriages just sort of naturally stems our from this most basic control of his body. So orgasm control is extremely extremely important to our success as an FLR marriage.

    All of this is not to say that my husband doesn’t get his regular sexual satisfaction, in fact he gets way more of it now then he ever did previously in his entire life. It just comes about much differently for him now than before - overall for him in a good way. Now in place of his direct and volcanic emissions of semen, he gets satisfaction through endless tease and denial of his orgasms. Instead of just a quick 5 seconds of bliss during what would have been a normal vanilla sort of orgasm for him, his orgasms now mimic the constant denied state of his cock. They are just a painfully slow dripping of precum out of his restrained and locked cock. Yes locked. We have to be honest here, he will masturbate in his constant state of horniness unless he is locked up. I of course would be very disappointed with him for doing so, and he would get punished severely for his lack of devotion to me, but in the end its just best to keep him locked up. Aside from making these accidents harder for him to attain, it also helps to keep him in his daily sub space. Its a gentle reminder all day long of his new position in our relationship. He can slowly ooze up a little trail of precum into his panties when he is at work sitting at his desk - day dreaming of how how will serve and please me when he gets home. It keeps him on a raw edge all day long.

    His 5 second orgasm has been replaced by the 24x7 mind fuck and slow tease of his cock. Not a bad tradeI think. It just needed some time to reprogram his mind to accept the fact that he prefers the slow constant steady drip both mentally and physically over the quick your done right away physical emission. He also achieves great sexual satisfaction through giving me oral. In fact we have gotten to a point where I think he enjoys giving me head as much as I enjoy receiving it. It's like his tongue has become an extension of my pussy. When I cum, I think he is mentally cuming as well. This is perhaps one of the most interesting and fascinating developments I have seen as resulting from his orgasm denial. He gets direct sexual satisfaction both physically and mentally through attending to my pussy with his tongue instead of his own cock!. I actually reward his good behaviour by allowing him access to my pussy this way, its definitely a super dooper motivator for him. So unlucky me :) I have to put up with almost daily oral attention from him, its just plain horrible for me.


    Angelina

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  11. I've also experimented with replacing his cock and the whole male centric cock based thought process by rewarding him by giving him his own pussy. If he's been a real good boy, but not quite a good enough boy yet to have earned one of his man orgasms, he get his pussy played with instead. I also use pegging as a tool when I start seeing him getting too sexually frustrated by going too long without an orgasm but when I am not yet ready to give him one of those treasured orgasms. This takes the edge off of him and allows him to go further with his denial. This is a wonderful source of erotic and mental frustration to him. It's a sexual paradox for him. He secretly enjoys the sensations of the pegging but he is loathe to admit this to me. Its this double edged sword which mind fucks him even further into submission. He's been able to achieve a few slow dripping ruined orgasms now through a good pegging session. Of course when this does occur it counts against his yearly tally. Fair is fair :) I also add to his submission by making him get his pussy ready for his pegging. He needs to do a thorough enema clean out for me in the shower. He then must apply some very unmanly perfume to his nether regions and slip into some special silk panties that I have reserved for these special occasions. He then is required to seek me out and to entice me with his feminine attributes into getting taken to bed. If he does a good and heartfelt sell he earns himself an intense butt fucking, otherwise he just goes to bed smelling and looking like a girl. This totally puts him into a submissive mind fuck. He has to beg for something which in his mind he partially hates - but also secretly desires. So quite the mental mind fuck for him.

    Providing my husband with some sort and form of daily sexual teasing is also another very important facet of orgasm control. You just cant eliminate a man's orgasm and pile on the chores and not expect some sort of resentment over time. As he toils for me with his various duties and pampers me throughout the day with his attentions I occasionally reward him with a quick pat to the tush or a quick squeeze of his balls. If where in bed, I will reward him occasionally with a gentle caress to his cute little shaved butt or outer anal regions with my hand. It further energizes his libido to sustain him to his tasks while driving him into deeper submission for me.

    Orgasm control and severe rationing of orgasms is a definite must into achieving a successful and blissful (for both parties) relationship. Ladies I know none of this makes any sense what so ever. It certainly didn't for me 4 years ago. But somehow this just all works. We just can't think like man so logically this just doesn't compute but the reality is that is is what they need. Strangely enough it somehow works out to our advantage. So leverage this and enjoy!

    Angelina

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  12. I am on the honor system. I am teased and denied often. I am not allowed any sex with my wife (no oral or intercourse). My wife used to make me orgasm more than I would like. But now she makes me wait many months between orgasms. My wife has realized I am more focused on pleasing her when denied. The submissive male mind changes after orgasm. The submissive male mind also changes when teased and denied for long periods of time.

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  13. What happens if the Orgasm Denial backfires? What if he actually loses interest in sex or worse his ability to use his penis diminishes? What happens if he starts to become resentful that you get to orgasm and he is denied orgasms? It seems all the talk or Orgasm Denial is all 'Happy Happy Joy Joy" but doesn't really life sometimes take a turn for the worse? A real life man who is actually very miserable with Orgasm Denial and is considering leaving his girlfriend because of it.

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  14. My journey to orgasm denial began with my wife being big on equality and when it came to sex, she initially suggested that we should do it on our sides. She said that the symbolism of the man on top was wrong. Sex on our sides was frustrating so we changed to trying alternately her on top or me on top. But a second problem became visible and that was that I would cum before her and go soft and she would not get to orgasm. We went through a bad time where she basically switched off and would give sacrificial sex. She'd get into bed and say something like it's been a while or I would say I think we should have sex. If she wasn't on her period she'd pull off her panties, pull up her nightie and lie back with her legs apart. I would lube up and push in. She would lie completely still and I would hump away and cum. Then pull out and place a towel between her legs and give her a quick peck on the lips and say I love you. I would lie beside her and fall asleep.

    Fast forward and marriage counselling and I discover how unhappy she is. Sex was sacrificial and every time it killed her just a bit more. So as part of the marriage counselling we stopped sex. Thinking that was what she wanted. At one degree that was true but I would masturbate and that just made her feel even more broken. When she was doing the dead fish thing she was rationalizing in her mind that she was at least attractive to her husband and was doing her wifely duty. Now she wasn't even doing that.

    So after discussion we agreed no masturbating. That was tough for me. We tried several things like scheduling sex. still dead fish which had grown depressing for both of us. I actually felt bad because I was not bringing my wife to orgasm. She didn't love me. She didn't look forward to engaging with me.

    More talking and remembered back to early marriage where the way for her to orgasm was for her on top. But I had to hold off so we tried me wearing multiple condoms to reduce the sensitivity. Finally she got to orgasm. Then a new problem appeared. She said she felt obliged to perform.

    So began a new time where the rules were no initiating by me. No asking or overt suggesting but focusing on getting the atmosphere right. We had kids by this time so things like making sure cleaning was done. Kids were looked after so my wife could not be stressed out or tired.

    During this time, we did talk and she would sometimes lie behind me and reach over and touch my penis. I told her that things like made me feel human where no touch or being ignored made me feel worthless. I found I liked her digging her fingernails into my erect penis. She commented that I had replaced the rush of orgasm with pain and I agreed. Everything is about sex except it's self. Sex is about power. She feels empowered ordering me to do something or not as the case maybe. Sometimes she will lie behind me and stroke my penis edging me. Sometimes she will say lie still no thrusting.

    So current modus operandi is extended abstinence on my part. typically 1 to 3 months. All the rules about not hinting or pestering on my part. She initiates and lies on her back, I will put on condoms or not as she instructs. Lube up and move in. Then she gets us to both roll over and she will work herself. Interestingly she sometimes instructs me to lie still and that leads to her orgasming.


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  15. My journey to orgasm denial began with my wife being big on equality and when it came to sex, she initially suggested that we should do it on our sides. She said that the symbolism of the man on top was wrong. Sex on our sides was frustrating so we changed to trying alternately her on top or me on top. But a second problem became visible and that was that I would cum before her and go soft and she would not get to orgasm. We went through a bad time where she basically switched off and would give sacrificial sex. She'd get into bed and say something like it's been a while or I would say I think we should have sex. If she wasn't on her period she'd pull off her panties, pull up her nightie and lie back with her legs apart. I would lube up and push in. She would lie completely still and I would hump away and cum. Then pull out and place a towel between her legs and give her a quick peck on the lips and say I love you. I would lie beside her and fall asleep.

    Fast forward and marriage counselling and I discover how unhappy she is. Sex was sacrificial and every time it killed her just a bit more. So as part of the marriage counselling we stopped sex. Thinking that was what she wanted. At one degree that was true but I would masturbate and that just made her feel even more broken. When she was doing the dead fish thing she was rationalizing in her mind that she was at least attractive to her husband and was doing her wifely duty. Now she wasn't even doing that.

    So after discussion we agreed no masturbating. That was tough for me. We tried several things like scheduling sex. still dead fish which had grown depressing for both of us. I actually felt bad because I was not bringing my wife to orgasm. She didn't love me. She didn't look forward to engaging with me.

    More talking and remembered back to early marriage where the way for her to orgasm was for her on top. But I had to hold off so we tried me wearing multiple condoms to reduce the sensitivity. Finally she got to orgasm. Then a new problem appeared. She said she felt obliged to perform.

    So began a new time where the rules were no initiating by me. No asking or overt suggesting but focusing on getting the atmosphere right. We had kids by this time so things like making sure cleaning was done. Kids were looked after so my wife could not be stressed out or tired.

    During this time, we did talk and she would sometimes lie behind me and reach over and touch my penis. I told her that things like made me feel human where no touch or being ignored made me feel worthless. I found I liked her digging her fingernails into my erect penis. She commented that I had replaced the rush of orgasm with pain and I agreed. Everything is about sex except it's self. Sex is about power. She feels empowered ordering me to do something or not as the case maybe. Sometimes she will lie behind me and stroke my penis edging me. Sometimes she will say lie still no thrusting.

    So current modus operandi is extended abstinence on my part. typically 1 to 3 months. All the rules about not hinting or pestering on my part. She initiates and lies on her back, I will put on condoms or not as she instructs. Lube up and move in. Then she gets us to both roll over and she will work herself. Interestingly she sometimes instructs me to lie still and that leads to her orgasming.


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