I believe that discipline and punishment should be incorporated into every FLR. Regular discipline and punishment keeps your partner performing (serving you) at a high level. In addition, this rigor mentally keeps him in a continual state of submission and continually elevates your authority over him. Investing a small amount of your time in D&P will reap large rewards to you. In this post I will discuss my views on discipline and punishment and provide some ideas to incorporate into your relationship.
First I'd like to distinguish between discipline and punishment. Discipline can be described as systematic and regular instruction to train a person. Discipline is about learning or being motivated to do what is right. The Mistress uses discipline to mold and train the submissive to serve her in a way that is desirable by her. Punishment on the other hand is about reprimanding or penalizing someone for doing something that is knowingly undesirable. Punishments should only be issued when the submissive knowingly did something wrong or repeatedly fails at listening to or obeying the Mistress.
Discipline
Discipline should not be viewed as negative or bad. In fact, I would propose that the submissive should enjoy being disciplined. Think about athletes who are disciplined regularly by their coaches. They enjoy this rigor and know that it is needed in order for them to improve and be better athletes. Similar to athletes, a submissive man will become a better husband/partner through regular discipline.
I conduct weekly discipline session with my husband Thomas. For these sessions, he is required to be naked except for a pair of panties (I will discuss panty wearing in another post). Thomas gets so excited that he always has an erection before we even start the session. His mind immediately drops into a submissive state, which is exactly how I want him.
The purpose of the session is to review his behavior and performance during the week and to set expectations for the upcoming week. We will discuss things such as how well he cleaned the kitchen, did he complete all his errands and tasks for the week, and did he have a good attitude towards me and others. I choose to have him kneel or lay across my lap. Sometime I am sitting in a chair and sometime I am sitting up on the bed with my legs stretched out in front of me while he kneels over me. I like these positions because they are symbolic of a child being spanked by his mother. I believe it has a strong mental imprint on him and boost my authority over him. It also gives me easy access to both his ass and cock.
When he is kneeling over me I will grasp his cock with one hand and have a riding crop in the other while we review the week. For good behaviors he gets a light squeeze and playful slap or rub from the riding crop. For items that need improvement he gets a hard slap and a firm grip of his cock. I vary the intensity of the slap based on how displeased I am with his behavior. In most cases the slap is firm but not painful. My purpose is to motivate and not punish. However, if he has done something that has really displeased me, he may get a painful few slap and possibly a punishment will follow.
Thomas and I have been doing this for many years and so his discipline is mostly positive. I think it is important to continue the sessions because the positive reinforcement keeps him from getting lazy and it also maintains my authority over him. There is a strong mental effect on him of having him lay across my lap and be disciplined weekly. He clearly accepts my power and authority over him. Thomas has also told me that he appreciates the feedback he gets from me during the sessions. He wants to please and obey me and so if I am not satisfied he wants to know. How sweet!
If you are uncomfortable with having your man lay across your lap you could simply have him kneel before you or lay next to you in bed while you review his behavior. I believe the spanking is effective but that is your choice as well. I do highly recommend contact with his cock during the session. I have found that keeping Thomas aroused while we talk is almost hypnotic to him. His mind becomes weak and he is more agreeable to what I have to say when he is aroused.
Since I have good practice with the discipline session, I pretty much know what I want to say and I know what to look for during the week. However, this can be challenging for some people. One idea to facilitate the discipline discussion is to create a review form, similar to what managers at a business fill out for annual employee reviews. On the review form, list the expected tasks and attitude for the week. Most of the tasks will be the same each week but you may have a few that come on and off each week. Prior to the discipline session, you can rate his performance on each task. This will provide the basis for your discussion with him. I did this early in our relationship and assigned points to the tasks. If he did not achieve a certain amount of points (almost perfect score), he would be punished. However, if he continually achieved high points he would be rewarded.
My biggest piece of advice with the review form is to keep it short and simple. The last thing you want to do is create an administrative burden on yourself. Then it is no fun. To save time, I would have him score himself and then I would review and either agree or disagree.
The timing of discipline is another consideration. You may choose to do daily, weekly or monthly sessions. It all depends on your schedule and how well behaved he is. I would also encourage you to apply discipline outside of the regular sessions on an as needed basis. If you come home to dirty dishes there is no reason you can't pull him aside right away and express your displeasure.
Punishment
A punishment should be issued when the sub knowingly did something wrong, has been regularly not completing tasks due to laziness, or has acted in a way that is completely unacceptable. The purpose of the punishment is to enforce the rules and penalize the sub for not obeying. The punishment should be unpleasant and not enjoyable to the sub. Spanking a sub who enjoys being spanked is not a punishment at all.
The type and length of punishment depends on the severity of the dis-obedience from the sub. The more serious the infraction the more sever the punishment. It has been said among males that the worst punishment of all is no attention from the Mistress. The submissive male craves the attention of the Mistress and craves to be controlled and dominated. Take that away and he is unhappy.
Other punishment ideas include a hard spanking, extended orgasm denial, performing a meaningless task (e.g. washing all her shoes), missing out on something important to the sub such as "guys night out" or watching a sports game, or doing an embarrassing task.
In most cases, the sub will understand and accept the punishment knowing that he deserved it. One time Thomas spoke to me with a harsh tone. I walked away and later that day texted him my disapproval and issued a punishment. He simply replied, "o.k. you are right. I am sorry." He accepted his punishment without question. To me, this is one of the most powerful things about a FLR. In a non-FLR relationship, many people would end up in an argument and may not even reconcile with each other for several days. However, in a FLR, the man knows his place and knows not to argue. He accepts what the woman says and they reconcile immediately.
I read this post at your suggestion when I asked on another post whether you inflicted the harsh physical discipline advocated on the DWC website, which many FLR blogs seem to treat as gospel.
ReplyDeleteI was struck by this: "To me, this is one of the most powerful things about a FLR. In a non-FLR relationship, many people would end up in an argument and may not even reconcile with each other for several days. However, in a FLR, the man knows his place and knows not to argue. He accepts what the woman says and they reconcile immediately."
In a non-FLR relationship, people argue because they are equals who are allowed to have differing points of view. They do have to learn how to communicate and reconcile differences in wants and needs.
I keep reading FLR blogs that state how wonderful it is because it squashes arguments. That doesn't mean much when one party has no power and is forced to capitulate to the will of the other. Of course there is no argument. One side just loses, automatically. I'm not surprised to hear you and other dominant wives sing the praises of that aspect of an FLR. It's heads you win, tails he loses.
You can squash an argument, but you can't squash the resentment that may follow from being shut down by the more powerful party.
As far as the characterization of "discipline" and the athlete analogy goes, I don't think any major league pitchers get hit with a riding crop for giving up too many runs in a game. It's not quite apt.
In a FLR, the husband accepts that the wife has the final say. The husband wants to please the wife and make her happy and so he yields to her authority. He may not be happy with the final outcome but he accepts it and moves on. In our marriage, we discuss things and in most cases come to a resolution that we are both happy with. It is rare that I have to make the final ruling but when I do, he accepts it. There is no resentment or it is short-lived because these are the ground rules that he agreed to upfront.
ReplyDeleteIn a non-FLR how is the disagreement reconciled? Ultimately one has to yield to the other or perhaps it never gets resolved. When one finally yields to the other, it is probably after arguing, which often turns ugly and wastes a lot of energy.
I understand the FLR premise. My comment is also not directed to what you do specifically. At least based on your writings, you appear to be a far more benevolent dictator than many FLR wives who blog. Although, I believe you have claimed unilateral authority over certain decisions.
DeleteMy comment went to the legitimacy of the argument that FLRs are somehow better because they end arguments quickly--which presupposes that is a healthy and beneficial result.
FLRs necessarily, inherently, and by definition end arguments quickly because one party has no power to argue. My comment went to whether that is in fact a good thing. It is treated as some great revelation on many blogs that FLRs have that effect, but it is utterly unsurprising that there are no arguments when one party de facto loses.
As far resolving disagreements and reconciling in a healthy non-FLR, that occurs in at least two ways: 1. After a period of discussion, or if necessary, cooling off, one or both parties see the other side's point of view and change their positions, and/or 2. They compromise in a way which acknowledges and accounts for each of their wants and needs. They do this because they want each other to be happy, thrive, and grow instead of one party just wanting his or her needs served.
Sure, sometimes the compromise is that one party gives in on that issue because another issue is more important and there is bargaining. Sometimes they find a middle ground on the particular issue which is imperfect but which respects each of them.
Of course, this doesn't always happen because one party may be a bully or a sociopath, but that's going to be a problem whatever the structure of the relationship.
One thing the arguing and compromising does is to force both parties to clearly prioritize what they want and to determine what is truly important to them. If they are truly at an impasse over a relationship-critical issue, then the relationship should probably end. I doubt that many issues in an FLR get vetted to that extent before the non-dominant party is shut down.
Also, not all resentment is visible at the surface. I've worked for a number of bosses who learned that in a very painful way.
Again, I'm not addressing FLRs generally or yours specifically.
I'm just addressing this often repeated argument that one of the "benefits" is that they end arguments quickly.