Guest Submission: Chastity as a Relationship Tool; the ins and outs (By AJ)

 I was very excited to see a guest post in my inbox from AJ. AJ has submitted guest posts in the past and I always enjoy reading about her experiences in FLR and her female perspective on FLRs. She outdid herself with her latest post. It's is filled with lots of great advice and ideas for a leading a FLR/WLM.  Great to hear from you again AJ!  -Mz Kaylee

Chastity as a Relationship Tool; the ins and outs

An introduction to who I am….. I am a happily married woman who has been married now for about 25 years. For the past 6 years I have been living within an FLR structured relationship with my wonderful husband of those same 25 years. Within our current relationship, we are deeply engaged in the strict practice of male chastity and that is of the 24 x 7 long term chastity variety. My husband is typically allowed out of his device (discounting any urgent temporary medically related needs) only three times a year. So for basically 362 days of the year he lives in full time chastity. I allow him out three times a year, somewhat randomly, to keep his sexual drive alive for “conventional” sex. On one of those yearly occasions, I allow him to make love to me traditionally through PIV sex, and on one of the other remaining instances I will allow him to make love to me anally (my supreme gift to him on that one - actually I have come to enjoy it…). And on the third and final instance, I give him a full blown blow job to include allowing him to cum in my mouth and my also swallowing that said cum. Those are my three yearly special gifts to him - if he is good and behaves that is. Why just those 3 times?

First to not totally exclude those pleasurable activities from his life. I am not totally extinguishing his hope for occasionally partaking in those activities so pleasurable to him.

Secondly, by just allowing him those 3 specific instances, they become intensely special and therefore all the more pleasurable and rewarding to him and are ever so much ingrained upon his conscious and subconscious mind throughout the long dry spells. He lives with those 3 special days on his brain for the remainder of the year until the next wonderful gift is bestowed upon him from his queen.

Thirdly (an awkward sounding word) rationing these gifts out, they highlight my complete sexual control of his body and it clearly states who is in charge there and who is not. She who giveth can also take it completely away…. I allow him these three hallowed sexual flavors to make him absolutely aware of what he is giving up for me on those other 362 days of the year, and what adhering to chastity during those long 362 days can provide him as just reward if he continues to behave for me.

 Finally and absolutely most importantly, because rationing his orgasms enhances all of the other aspects of our FLR lifestyle, primarily those which live outside of the sexual arena. It serves to put him into that deep naturally occurring “subspace” which is essential for our FLR marriage to work and thrive. He is put into the right mindset to give selflessly to me every day of the year. He is also in the right mindset to see and receive all of the other gifts I present to him throughout the year. This is the dynamic which allows him to perform the vast majority of our household chores without rancor and with simple derived self pleasure. He likes doing the dishes for me, he likes doing the household laundry. He likes running my bath and massaging my feet. He does many things for the greater satisfaction of his wife and that provides him with a direct sexual and psychological kick. I am not saying this lightly or with jest. He actually is mentally happy to do these things for me and amazingly enough as well, he is frequently sexually stimulated by these acts. His penis frequently weeps with precum as he goes about his chores, I’ve seen this many a time now. It's like he becomes a perpetually simmering pot of hyper sensitized sexual energy within, and all of this energy is primarily directed towards me. This is also the dynamic which which allows my sexual pleasure to become his own pleasure. Almost every night he goes down upon me and almost every night I am guaranteed to get a minimum of one orgasm and even on some occasions two or even three. I’ve been able to train his tongue and lips like the oral stud he now is. While he is going down on me, he clearly is in his own special sexual nirvana. His tongue becomes his cock and he enjoys every stroke and every delightful flavor that I can offer. I could go on and on with these behavioral enhancements. I am 100% convinced that these nuances are all derived from his retaining for me. I know what I had before chastity and I definitely know what I have after prolonged chastity.

You might read all of the above and think “the poor guy”, so little in it actually for him. That I am just taking without giving. But this couldn’t be further from the truth. By his own verbalized admissions and by his own demonstrated behavior he loves our lifestyle and thrives upon it. Sexually its not a one way street just for my pleasure. You cannot just lock a man and forget it and expect everything which I mentioned above to work and come to fruition. As his wife I have responsibilities to keep the FLR dynamic and passion working and fruitful for him. But I’m here to tell you that what I need to provide him daily to do that is so incredibly easy for me. Because of what he does for me daily and so selflessly and from his heart, I am therefore more than happy and excited to provide him also with what he needs. Its so incredibly easy and simple to maintain his FLR passion. A few minutes a day on my part fuels him for an entire day of devotion. Praise his acts of devotion, "good boy," "good girl," or "you sexy man" (or whatever endearment that works to get into his head that day). "You did such a good job of folding my panties, I’m so proud of you" and pat his crotch with affection. As he is bent over the sink doing the dishes, come up behind him and rub his crotch or rub his ass suggestively. When you notice his cock weeping with precum, take notice of it. Wipe it with your finger and lick it, or have him lick it off. "Good Boy." Take his clothes from him and have him walk around the house naked for your pleasure. Make him wear a pair of your dirty panties on another day. "Your such a wonderful pussy licker." "I love when you eat my ass out." Be vocal and dirty when he’s driving you crazy with his tongue. 

Let him know he's doing a good job, encourage him. Be in command and direct his tongue to best stimulate you. Men of this mindset get in the zone by being commanded and directed. In the morning or evening before bed, cup his naked balls in your hand and take a minute to apply body lotion to them in a sexual manner, "good boy, your balls feel so heavy." Smile knowingly at him. Cop a feel of his caged package quickly and secretively while in public places. "You did a really nice job raking out the lawn," and pat his ass briefly through his pants. All extremely very low energy easy stuff and it takes literally less than 5 minutes a day to refuel his tank this way. You get the idea here. Invest 5 minutes and get a day in return, pretty good trade off I would say. 

On top of all of this indirect sexual innuendo which I lavish on him daily, I also occasionally provide him with other more direct methods of sexual fulfillment. We have come to enjoy pegging in our relationship. Its an exchange of power and very physical and enjoyable for him (and me). He is loathe to admit that he does enjoy it, but we both know that he does. That’s part of the FLR aspect of it for the both of us. I enjoy taking his ass possessively and that fact that I don’t necessarily wait for his agreement to do so (figuratively speaking) enhances the act for us both. I am the dominant and he is the submissive. I am not raping him, he just struggles with what he views as the traditionally gay aspect of this act, and I push pass those barriers to which he tries to put in place as I peg him as needed and upon my random discretion. Very frequently now, I am able to milk his prostate with our pegging sessions, and he oozes quite the puddle of cum for me from these sessions. I further kink up this activity by insisting that he eat his own cum when this happens (in fact any time when he cums he must eat it up). It really messes with his mind in a overall positive manner when this occurs. I also have come to really enjoy this act. It has been an evolution process for us both. I really relish the feeling of control and dominance over him and it makes me very wet to see how he ultimately responds to it. 

Finally, he has also managed to have several totally hands free orgasms over the years. They are rare but they do occasionally occur. By hands free I mean nothing up the butt, no touching or contact of any sort. For us this seems to occur very sporadically when he has been retaining for a long period of time, when he is particularly mentally over stimulated and when he is engaged in orally pleasuring me. When all of these psychological stars align in his mushy brain, sometimes that results in him experiencing a slow draining of his prostate, very much like a milking but without the direct stimulation of his prostate. Extremely hot for me to observe this when it has occurred. For me this is like getting the academy award for doing everything right in our FLR relationship. Its an affirmation that we are doing something very right for how we have mutually defined our relationship. So really he does orgasm more than those 3 times a year. Its just that I limit the more conventional methods and orgasms to 3 times a year and the other times are just more like ruined orgasms.

I guess there is also one other additional benefit or change that has resulted directly from our long term chastity play and how it has shaped our FLR relationship and our sexual DNA. As a woman, I was always more in touch with the emotional and romantic aspects of relationships. Sex was just a nice by product for me but I really longed for the romantic aspects of a relationship and sex was definitely secondary for me. Men as I think we all know, are very physical in nature typically. The touch and feel and romance is not a natural condition for them. They quite frankly are all typically about sticking it in a hole and cumming. As our marriage has evolved from following the straight and narrow vanilla marriage to this definitely kinky FLR marriage, both of these stereotypical definitions of what a man needs and what a woman needs, have shifted from these somewhat opposing bookends to a meeting point which is more closely at the center. While I still greatly enjoy romance (and get it in spades from him) I have also achieved a much more sexually physical self. Basically I have come to really enjoy the physical and psychological nature of having sex, much like a man traditionally experiences. For his part, particularly when he has not ejaculated for a significant period of time and has not been provided with that hormonal release, he has definitely become more emotionally sensitive and emotionally needy as well. So he has developed some of the attributes that we would typically define for a woman, the need for touch and feel and dare I say, some romance. So I think it definitely has brought us together this special way as a couple. Pretty cool I would say.

This was the why and the benefits of chastity as I have experienced them in my marriage. I will write another post on the how to best implement chastity. Stat tuned.....

-AJ

Try Something New

I find that submissive men in a marriage are like hi IQ kids in a classroom. Before you get too excited guys, I am not saying that you are super smart. What I am referring to is that intelligent kids get bored in the traditional classroom. They need to be held to a higher standard and be given constant challenge in order to stay engaged in learning. I find that my husband is the same way with submission. When I keep his environment structured and challenging, his submission is high and he is happier while also being more productive for me. If I leave my foot off the "dominant" pedal for too long, then it has the opposite effect. He starts to be disengaged and not as happy.

So how does one keep the submissive constantly challenged? I do it by instituting changes in rules and expectations throughout the year as well as trying new things. The changes are often small but every so often I throw in a big change to really spice things up and deepen his submission to me. Smaller changes are easy to implement and due to the psychology of submission, can have a big impact on the submissive. New rules are a good example. When I added the rule that my husband was not permitted to sit at the head of the dining room table it had a lasting submissive impact on him. In the moment the rule was established he felt a part of his authority diminished and that excited him. Eventually it just becomes a part of normal life for him but in the weeks after the rule was established, he felt the submissive twang in him every time he sat at the table. Small changes like that every few months keep his submission fresh.

Some of the bigger changes that I have made in past include: requiring him to wear panties 24/7, establishing a weekly review routine and ritual, and putting him on a spending allowance. I see these bigger changes as things that significantly impact his and/or my daily or weekly routine. The changes tend to make big strides in propelling the WLM/FLR forward. Taking control of his orgasms is another big change, but it seems that for most couples, that is one of the first things done in establishing the dom/sub dynamic. I would imagine that for many people, the bigger changes occur as the relationship reaches a new level of maturity. I think it is beneficial for women in WLMs to proactively institute big changes every few years. These types of changes challenge and significantly stimulate the submissive mind and also increase the authority and power of the wife.

I also incorporate fun one-time events to keep his submission strong. I may indulge in one of his fetishes or fantasies one night or just spend a weekend being super strict and demanding with him. The "Boot Camp" that I wrote about previously is another example of a one-time event that keeps his submission strong. Each year I also plan a few weekends away with just the two of us and they often turn into fun weekends where I press his submissive hot buttons. When we are away, I tend to let loose on my inhibitions. The one-time events are fun for both of us and many times result in deep intimacy that brings us closer together as a couple. Many people have shared with me that they experience this same feeling of deep intimacy and closeness after an intense domination/submission experience. It truly is remarkable and something that can not be understood until you experience it yourself.

The one-time events have a very positive impact on the relationship. Not only do they keep things fun, but it deepens his submission and help build the confidence and dominance of the wife. I've noticed that my husband's submission is very high for days or even weeks afterward and he is very appreciative that I've indulged in his fantasy.  This creates loyalty in him and a strong desire to want to please me. For, me the events have been great confidence builders. When I role play or try new things, I step outside of my normal role knowing that it is just fantasy. Sometimes it felt weird or uncomfortable at first but as I immersed in the fantasy and saw the positive reactions from my husband (or felt the unexpected arousal within me), it turned fun and exciting. For example, the first time I ever spanked my husband, it felt very weird when we started but by the end I got so excited I actually had an orgasm while spanking him. The more you role play and try new fantasies or kinks, the less weird it becomes and for women, and this can dramatically increase their comfort level with being dominant. Quite often the the things I do in the fantasy sessions end up being things that I later incorporate into our normal routine. Having Thomas wear panties started out as just fantasy fun every now and then, and here we are years later and he wears them 24/7. The last point I want to make regarding one-time events is that for women new to domination, doing fantasy domination one night a month can be a great and fun way to dip your toe into the lifestyle and build your confidence. Eventually that one night can turn into a whole weekend and then a whole week, and before you know it your doing it every day.  

So I challenge the women readers of this blog to try something new in 2021. Step out of your comfort zone and do something different with your husband. Think of it as a Christmas present for him. He will love it! I think most times you will find an unexpected excitement when you do this but it's ok if it doesn't turn out the way you planned or if in the end you didn't like it.  Part of the fun is experimenting and seeing what works.  Below are a few ideas. If categorized them as small, big, and one-time but many of the ideas are interchangeable among categories depending on how you implement them.  For example some of the one-time events could turn into regular events that lead to a big change or some of the bigger changes could be done just as a one-time event. Also, there is no rule that says that once you implement a change you have to keep it. If after a few weeks or months, you are bored with the change, than stop doing it and give something else a try. There are many things over the years that I've done for a period of time and then replaced it with something else.  Enjoy and please report back on how it goes!

Small Changes

• Add a new weekly chore - spend time training him on it and reviewing his performance
• Add new/more strict expectations to an existing chore. Examples: add deadlines, chairs around table must be aligned perfectly, towels must be folded perfectly, etc.
• Evolve or changeup an existing routine, rule, or expectation
• if he wears panties, buy different styles so they feel different on him, add stockings, or make him wear a sexy garter around his thigh on special occasions; if you treat him like a pet, but him a tail or dog tag with his name engraved on it.
• Make him wear a special outfit during routine/chore such as a collar or maid's outfit or make him do it naked
• Turn regular foot massages into foot worship by making him kiss your feet before and after he massages them; make him say a mantra before massaging you.
• Add new rules such as: he must ask for permission to use remote, can only sit in one chair in the living room, must kneel when asking for something, or must sit when going to the bathroom
• Tell him to do things instead of asking him to do them. 

Bigger Changes

• Put him into a chastity device - this can be permanent or used occasionally for fun, punishment, or motivation 
• Make the decision to include punishment and discipline into your relationship
• Add new rituals or routines 
• A formal weekly review/discipline routine
• A transition ritual for him when he comes home from work - something to shift his mindset from work to serving you and being submissive
• Bedtime or morning ritual - these can include you (undress/dress you, kiss your feet, thank you for allowing him to serve you, etc.) or can be a ritual that he does on his own to prepare for the coming day and stay focused on serving you.
• Greeting ritual when you arrive at home such as immediately stopping whatever he is doing and coming to you, take your coat, and asking how he can serve you; he must silently kneel upon your arrival and await for you to 'release' him or give him instructions, or he must kiss your feet.
• Rules that take away some of his freedom or rights - no talking each night during certain hours, must ask permission to go out with friends or do activities
• Put him on a weekly spending allowance; takeaway or monitor his access to credit cards and bank accounts
• Significantly alter his wardrobe or appearance - must wear collar in the home, must be naked in the home or while doing certain things, get a tattoo that brands him or is symbolic of his submission to you, you pick out his outfit everyday, must always keep his balls shaved, you decide his hair style, etc.
• Make the decision to deeply explore a fetish or kink and incorporate it permanently into the relationship. Examples include feminization, strap-on, pet play, infantilism, chastity, bondage. Exploring a fetish or kink can lead to an exciting new journey within your relationship and is a fantastic way to spice things up. Take your time exploring. You don't have to do it all at once. I take great pleasure in slowly taking him down a path, making little changes over time. That in itself is a mind fuck for him because he does not know what's coming next or when will it end.

One-Time Events

• Spend a night or weekend 100% focused on one of his fetishes or fantasies
• Make him worship your ass with his tongue- this will remind him if his place beneath you.
• Try a new kink - pet play, feminization, spanking, ass worship, bondage
• A long and intense teasing and denial session; make sure he pleasures you in-between teases; I often enjoy doing this for several days. He is putty in my hands after a few days of intense T&D.
• Wear a new fetish outfit - surprise him with it or make him buy it for you. It's even fun to shop for it together.  
• Be extra strict and demanding for a day or weekend
• Have him pamper you and wait on you hand and foot all day - make him plan the day for you.
• Small "power moves" can get his submissive juices flowing- the revers spooning (you spoon him), order him to lick your finger that's covered in his precum, be physically aggressive with him, call him "slave" or tell him "good boy," hold his head tightly between your thighs.

-Mz Kaylee