Be Consistent With Your Authority and Control - Part II

This is a continuation of my last post in which I wrote about the need for the Female leader to be consistent with her authority and control over her husband/partner. Three common causes for inconsistent authority and control that I identified were 1) She is inexperienced in the dominant/leader role, 2) She is too busy or stressed with other things, and 3) different expectations between the dominant and submissive can create the perception of inconsistent authority for the sub. I addressed the first two items in the last post and in this post I will discuss the third item. I appreciated the comments and discussion so please keep them coming.  I was offline for a while so I apologize for the delay in getting the comments published.

Different expectations between the Dominant and Submissive

If there are different expectations for the level of authority and control in the relationship, it can create the feeling of inconsistent authority for the sub. This issue typically arises in FLRs when the sub is the one introducing the concept. In most cases by the time the sub gets the courage to bring up the topic with his "vanilla" wife, he has already spent countless days and maybe years fantasizing about being dominated and harboring his submissive feelings. Through this process he has already developed preconceived ideas of how his wife should dominate him and probably has many scenarios in his mind that he desires to play out with his wife.  I would guess that most of these scenarios are to satisfy his desires and have little to do with her needs or desires. Additionally, at the time the wife is introduced to the concept she is often completely 'clueless' about the dynamic and lifestyle and so for her there is a huge learning curve to get to the level of knowledge that her husband has.

The combination of the preconceived ideas of what a FLR should be as well as the steep learning curve for the wife creates an imbalance. This is not always an easy fix. Some women catch on quickly and the right balance in the FLR falls into place with little issue. However, for many couples it's not so easy and when this imbalance exists it can create the feeling in the sub of inconsistency control from his wife. 

When there is the steep learning curve, the sub needs to have patience, understanding, and persistence. He needs to understand that his wife is not just going to suddenly turn into the dominant woman that he fantasized about and know exactly how to exert her dominance and control. For someone who is new to the lifestyle, it can be very awkward to be in a position of authority over her husband and do things such as spanking, disciplining, punishing, and giving direct orders. She will need time to learn how to do things and to build her confidence and comfort with these concepts. The sub needs to have patience and give her time to learn and grow.  It could happen over a few weeks or months or be as long as a few years before the wife fully grasps and embraces the lifestyle. It took me a few years before things really clicked for me and I had the confidence to take the lead and truly embrace my authority over my husband.

Having that patience is not easy, especially when you (the sub) have all your desires and fantasies boiling over in your mind. When your wife does begin the journey and you get a little taste of her authority and control, it is a great feeling and often addicting and so it is hard to slow down or take a step back. However, you need to have patience and give your wife time to learn and grow.  Often times that means sidelining your fantasies and focusing on just her needs and desires and also helping her get comfortable in the leadership role.

Persistence may also be needed from you. Do not give up on the FLR just because she is not fulfilling the leadership role as you hoped at the moment. This may be frustrating to you but continue to support her and stay positive.  Be persistent in working with her to establish the FLR but don't be pushy. Unfortunately there is no text book answer to how to do this.  It is different for every couple. You have to use your best judgement to decide when to give her space and when to advocate for the FLR. This may mean accepting some "vanilla" in the relationship for a few weeks and then trying again to advocate for the FLR. You may need to start subtly or be more direct. It really depends on your wife's personality.  Some couples may never need to worry about this because the FLR just takes off. However, those who do find themselves in this situation (this was our situation) often struggle and unfortunately many people throw the towel in when they start to struggle or hit a road block. Do not let this happen to you. As long as you have not received a firm 'no' from your partner, keep working towards the FLR. It is a journey and it requires effort and trial and error to make it work. Our FLR went through a lot of this in the first few years. In hindsight I know it was frustrating and stressful for him at times and I am very thankful and lucky that my husband never gave up and helped keep me along the FLR path until it finally clicked with me.  

Preconceived ideas from the sub about the FLR or Femdom can also be a big problem. Most men who have not experienced a FLR but have fantasized about it, end up focusing solely on their desires and the things that make them aroused. From what I have read over the years on forums and blogs, it seems that most men who want to get into the lifestyle do not understand what it entails and do not fully understand their own desires or why they have these desires.  Therefore, embarking on a FLR becomes a learning experience and a time of self-discovery for them as well as the female.

The most common example I hear is that men often expect their wife to micro-manage everything they do and be extremely strict with them, punishing or correcting them for every mistake.  For most women, this is just not a practical scenario as it is to labor-some. This can be fun for a short-period and as fantasy play but it is difficult to enforce long-term. Not only is it difficult, but it is not enjoyable. Why would I want to spend my days constantly correcting and punishing my husband? If he is a good sub, then he should be doing things to help make my life better and not things that require constant punishment and correction.  This disconnect in expectation from the sub can be a big issue.  As a sub, you need to make sure that what you are expecting from your wife is realistic, sensible, and more importantly, something she has no issues with doing. Sometimes you may need to accept that it is not an activity or expectation that she is willing to do. You don't get everything you want in life.  Once you realize this, accept it, and move on, it will eliminate a lot of stress and anxiety for you.

Also keep in mind that 'no' is not always a permanent answer.  As people grow in the FLR and are exposed more to the lifestyle, they change. For example, women new to FLR are sometimes uncomfortable with the idea of punishing their husband. However, over time, as they gain confidence in their authority, and get more comfortable with the dynamic of being in control of their husband, the concept of punishment may soon become very logical to them.  Therefore, as a sub, if you desire more strictness from your wife and she is just not ready for it yet, accept the situation but know that in the future it may change.

For women reading this, I encourage you to have open dialogue with your husband about expectations. Remember that you are the one who sets the expectations, not him.  He can express his desires, but you ultimately decide what to do with them. Do not be afraid to be firm with him either. I have let my husband know when he has pushed too much and that he just needs to stop or be punished. I also want to point out that women new to FLR tend to underestimate how firm and strict they can be with their husbands. Submissive men have an innate desire to be under the authority of a woman and to be controlled and disciplined by her. A woman's control and guidance make them better husbands and better people. While I don't believe micro-managing is practical or even healthy for the relationship, I do suggest that you set high expectations for him and hold him accountable for his actions. Do not be afraid to be direct and strict with him and do not be concerned about punishing him if it is warranted. When you do these things he will be very productive for you and he will be happy. It's a win-win for the relationship.

-Mz Kaylee

Be Consistent With Your Authority and Control

I would like to call out a comment made by 'Wifey" on my post "Elevate Your Dominance / Strengthen his Submission"  He wrote:

"As a sub it is deflating when the Domme is hit or miss in taking the lead and I experienced 'sub drop' entirely too often because of my partners' lack of consistently taking control. And that caused me anxiety which led to me acting out."

I hear this complaint about lack of consistency from the leader frequently from submissive men.  It is a valid issue and women leaders need to be aware of it, understand it and take steps to avoid it.  My guess is that it is a common issue in newer FLR relationships but even those of us that are more seasoned are challenged from time-to-time with being consistent in our authority.

First let's understand the issue. Submissive men are at their best and happiest when they are under the control of a woman and in a structured environment in which they are held accountable for their actions.  They need this structure and authority; they want it, desire it, and crave it!!  The feeling of being controlled and under the power of a woman is addictive for them and they can not get enough of it.  When they reach sub-space it is their 'high.' The more they experience this control, the more submissive they become and submission is the feeling they desire and crave.  

Creating rules and structure for the submissive to follow sets expectations for the sub. When he seeks to meet these expectations it gives him a sense of fulfillment in serving his wife. When the wife provides regular feedback, both positive and negative, it keeps the sub focused and his fulfillment grows.  If the wife starts to falter in providing the structure or enforcing the rules, it creates confusion for the sub and he begins to lose the sense of fulfillment.  

A woman's authority and control is like a cozy warm blanket (on a cold day) to the male.  He takes comfort in it and wants to be wrapped in it.  The tighter it's wrapped around him the more he enjoys it and does not want to leave it.  When it starts to loosen or fall away he becomes uncomfortable and left out in the cold and then he becomes moody 😕.

When structure and authority falters, it can have a huge emotional toll on the sub and lead to the sub drop that Wifey mentioned. Often times in these situations the sub begins to question the relationship and commitment from the leader.  Overtime the submissive can experience many emotions which can include disappointment, sadness, anger, and even depression. Often times they will keep this to themselves because they don't want to be seen as complaining to the leader or they may be too confused to express themselves or they are just trying to figure out why their leader is not as engaged. The signs of the faltering structure are evident in the relationship. The sub becomes lax with his chores, communication is less frequent, and intimacy falls away. These deficiencies usually start with small things but grow to bigger and bigger deficiencies overtime.  The wife usually will not notice until the relationship starts to break down or the sub finally gets the courage to express his feelings. By this point, damage has been done and it will take some rebuilding to get the relationship back on track.  It's never too late for this, but our goal as leaders should be to never let the relationship get to this point.  We can prevent this by being consistent in our leadership and authority.

To help understand the subs point of view, think about your own experience in the work place and the people you have worked for.  What managers did you like the most and why? What managers did you like the least and why? Employees typically do better under a manager who is clear with expectations, consistently supporting them and providing regular positive and constructive feedback. On the flip side employees often get frustrated and stressed when they have a manager who is inconsistent in his/her approach, does not set clear expectations, and changes his/her mind frequently.

When it comes to FLR's, I think there are several common causes for inconsistent control and leadership.  I have outlined these below:

In-experienced or New Domme  
  
In new FLRs, inconsistent authority and control is probably a common issue, especially when it is the male who is introducing the concept. The cause in this situation is that the wife does not fully understand the dynamics of being dominant since she is in the process of learning.  Running a FLR is not intuitive to most women so it takes time to learn.  It is also challenging and can be tiresome to be consistent all the time when you are learning.  Additionally, the inexperienced person may not even realize that they are not being inconsistent or may not realize the need to be consistent.

Communication and education are key tools to overcome the issue in this situation.  If the dominant person is unsure or lacks confidence, then the submissive needs to frequently communicate his feelings and thoughts and needs to reassure the dominant person. With an in-experienced Dominant, there may be a need for the sub to use "Topping" (or "Top from the bottom."). Topping is a term that describes when a submissive person influences or directs the dominate person to dominate them in the way they want. Topping is typically frowned upon and considered an unacceptable practice. However, in my opinion, when you have an in-experienced dominant, topping is often needed to help the dominant person learn techniques for dominating. One challenge with topping is that it is biased towards the submissive's desires and may result in the dominant person being unintentionally mislead. However, the hope is that as the dominant learns and builds her confidence, she begins to refocus the sub towards her and eventually puts an end to the topping.

If you are a new or in-experienced Dominate you should spend time reading about FLRs and female domination. This will provide you with ideas and techniques for using loving female authority in your marriage or relationship. It will also reassure you that you are not alone and that FLRs or female domination is a normal part of many relationships and not just fantasy. You should read a variety of articles, blogs, books, and forums. Where possible, reaching out to other Dominates is another great way to learn and build confidence. Using e-mail or posting on forums is a way to do this while staying anonymous.  

There is a ton of information on the web about FLRs and female domination. Unfortunately a lot of it is way off base or fantasy fodder. The best thing to do is read as much as possible and experiment with things that resonate you. The more you read, the more you will be able to distinguish between the crazy advice and the meaningful advice. However, be sure to keep an open mind and be willing to try new things. Some of the ideas that sound a bit crazy, often times turn out to be very effective. Am I confusing you?  What is crazy and what is not?  It is often challenging to figure this out.  You just need to give things a try and see what works or not.  If it works - great!  If not, laugh about it and move on.

If you are a sub trying to get your wife to be more dominant, you can print out articles or posts for her to read. Just be sure to provide a balance of topics and not just things that you find "hot". It is also important for you to encourage and support her in order to build her confidence. Subs often complain about what their wife is not doing and spend little time showing appreciation for what she is doing. If she does something that you really liked or drove you wild, make sure you tell her that you really liked it and thank her for doing it.  Say nothing else!  That will go a long way in reassuring her, building her confidence, and making her happy.

She is too busy, stressed, or dealing with issues
Consistency often drops off when things get hectic in life or the person is experiencing stress or dealing with a personal issue. Some common causes include work (stress at work, working late hours, etc.), health issues, family issues, or a hectic personal schedule (dealing with kids, volunteer work, etc.). When life gets hectic or stressful, there is less time for the Dominate to focus on the submissive so things like discipline sessions and sex play often become less frequent due to a lack of time or because her mind is just not into it. When a person is stressed or busy they may become inward focused in order to cope.  

There are things the domme can do to help get through the busy or stressful times, while still keeping the FLR intact.  They key is to recognize when these situations are going to occur or are occurring, and be proactive about handling the situation. As I shared in my previous post, sometimes these situations arise without warning and are out of our control. Communicating with the sub is important during these times. There is nothing wrong with sitting down with your husband and letting him know that you are going through a stressful time and need his help.  Doing this does not mean you are 'weak' or that you are giving up control. Quite the opposite is true.  It takes a strong leader to be able to do this and you are being a very effective leader by recognizing the situation as adjusting for it.  You are still the one in control. You are just re-setting expectations. 

Let him know that you are not going to have as much time to spend with him but you still need his support. Explain that he needs to keep up with chores and continue to serve and obey you even though you may not have as much time together.  You may even assign him additional chores or tasks to help alleviate some of your stress. Something I emphasized with my husband was that a clean house helps me relax.  When I come home to a messy house, my stress increases. Therefore, by keeping the house clean and keeping up with his chores he is helping me.

The nice thing is that the foundation you have built in your FLR will be a tremendous help during these times. He is already conditioned to obey you and he desires to serve you and make you happy and so he will do whatever you want to help get through the tough time. The daily routines that your sub does and the expectations you have established with him can and should continue even though you are not directing him as much. Over time with less direction or enforced authority, the sub naturally becomes less motivated; however, this is why it is important to have the open communication with your sub so that he understands what is going on and stays motivated. Submissive men want to please you and make you happy and so they will be motivated to do more for you if they know you are going through a tough time.  The desire of the sub to serve and please you is a trait the will serve you greatly during the tough times. Rather than trying to deal with your stress or hectic situation by yourself, you need to tap into your sub and have him help you.  Not only does this help you but it also builds trust with your husband and gives him fulfillment in serving you.

During the tough or stressful times, spending some quality time with your husband is very important.  This is where many couples struggle (including me and my husband) because in these situations, finding the time is often challenging or mentally you may not be thinking about it. However, it is in your best interest to carve out this special time. This will help you stay 'connected' with each other and will alleviate some of your stress. It can be as simple as going to bed at the same so that you have a few minutes to talk before going to sleep or having breakfast together. Planning a 'date night' once a week or once a month is another good technique for ensuring you get quality time together.

In you are the submissive in the relationship, in these situations you need to go out of your way to support your wife and help her cope. Simply being a good listener or buying her a small gift to help her feel better can have a big positive impact. You need to accept that some of the regular routines may be disrupted in the short-term until the issue is resolved and you need to keep up with chores and expectations even though your wife may not be providing you feedback or motivation to do these things. If you start to see the signs that her dominance is falling off, talk to her about what's going on. Be careful not to make the conversation all about you. Your goal should be to understand what is causing her stress because if you can solve that, it will ultimately benefit you. Offer to help out by taking on more chores, planning a date night or doing something that will help solve or issue.

Different expectations between the Dominant and Submissive
If there are different expectations for the level of authority and control in the relationships, it can create the feeling of inconsistent authority for the sub.  This is issue arises in new FLRs when the sub is the one introducing the concept. I will address this situation in my next post.

These are my thoughts and advice about being consistent with authority.  I welcome your feedback and discussion on the topic.

-MzKaylee