Hi all. I've been out of town for several days so I am running behind on the next part of the Busy Dominant but I will have it posted soon. It is great to see all the comments and those who are sharing their Ideal FLR State. I was impressed at what I saw when I returned home. I will comment once I get up caught so please keep them coming.
Something that has come up in discussion in the comments is quantity versus quality when it comes to this blog. Gigi and John I appreciate you honesty and candor in this discussion. The reality is that I I have other priorities that keep me from posting regularly and I do not foresee that changing anytime soon. I hope the blog can still be a regular source of information for those interested in FLR. In addition to my posts, the comments are a good source of information as well that often continue long after the post. I like Gigi's idea of getting more people to comment. Unfortunately these blogs are not very conducive to conversation but I have an idea. I once took an online class in which the professor required us to post a thought every week. Then within a few days each person had to pick another person's comment and respond to it. Let's give that a try. Please pick at least one other person's comment in the Busy Dominant series of posts or in the Ideal FLR State post and respond to it. You can agree or compliment them, inquire about more information/ask them to elaborate, provide a counter view, or share a similar example. If you haven't commented yet then go ahead and jump in and provide your thoughts. Are you up for the task?
-Mz Kaylee
Well, I wanted to comment that I think a very important part of any real Female Led relationship is corporal punishment and that might sound like so "fantasy based" but I really think it's a cornerstone. Who agrees?
ReplyDeleteIn my opinion the foundation of a FLR is based on dominance, usually a dominant female and a submissive male. How dominance is expressed varies from relationship to relationship, no 2 relationships are exactly alike. Some if not many may choose to incorporate discipline into the relationship, others may choose sexual service and favors or performance of household tasks. For myself I find discipline to be erotic and a true manifestation of submission.
DeleteBob
Punishment is an important part of a FLR as it clearly establishes her authority and holds him accountable to be obedience. Corporal punishment can be effective for many couples and other forms of punishment can be used as well. I employ some form of it in my relationship. However. I personally do not believe in using harsh corporal punishment such as caning or whipping that leaves marks.
ReplyDeleteI think it would be good in our relationship by demonstrating her dominance and reinforcing my submission. I think she is not comfortable with this because she doesn't feel it's consistent with a loving relationship but I feel regular discipline and occasional punishment would bring us closer. I don't know quite how to let her know this.
ReplyDeleteMarc s
I try not to draw lines around what "must" be part of a "real" FLR. Corporal punishment is a core part of ours, but I know other couples who do not use it, but I do think they are in "real" FLRs. Even within a relationship, the importance of FLR elements can vary. For example, the "service submission" model does nothing for me, but my wife clearly gets something out of it.
ReplyDeleteHello Mz Kaylee. I am so enjoying the activity on the blog. Thank you as always. I have given some additional thought to my IDEA STATE and I realized that I pretty much dodged the question with my first response. I have made another attempt at a complex question.
ReplyDeleteTHE IDEA STATE
Ok, what is the idea state of my FLR? The woman of my heart would simply be confident and enjoy her position of power . She would feel completely at ease expressing her desires and would have a natural expectation to be served. So what does that mean in real life and how would it fulfill my desires? For me, it is all about the her Expressions of power that fuel my submission and make me love her more each day. So does that translate to a lot of planning and thought on her part? Not really , but It does require a conscious effort in the beginning to change and begin to feel comfortable in power. It is very difficult for my wife to understand that the simplest expressions of power and authority create the energy that makes a FLR flow! Her biggest fear is that in becoming a Queen she will be perceived as lazy and selfish rather than powerful. Maybe the words below will help her to understand that men are happy and at their best when serving the woman they love. It is simply the natural state of marriage.
In my Idea State, her simply getting up from the dinner table, handing me her glass of wine to be filled while she sits down to enjoy her favorite show is an expression of power. It is very clear that she expects me to clear the table and clean the kitchen. By handing me her glass she has made me her personal servant! Now I am excited and thrilled to do the dishes!! Latter as she leaves the room to shower and prepare for bed she hands me her glass and says “I think coke on ice would be nice”. I know that means she expects a glass of coke on her night stand when she exits the shower.
Now the kitchen is cleaned to her standard and she is laying in bed sipping her coke enjoying her evening. When I enter the bathroom to shower it is in complete disarray and the excitement starts all over again. It takes little effort to hang a towel on the rack or put the toothpaste away but leaving a towel where it falls is a powerful expression of power. I shower and clean the bathroom full of excitement with an abundance of energy flowing.
I am never allowed to fulfill my sexual needs without her consent and tonight will be no different. When I finish in the bathroom I notice the bedroom door is closed .A closed bedroom door is expected to remain closed! Another expression of power! This may be a night that l do not get to share in her sexual pleasure while Knowing that she is completely satisfied! Nights like this are frustrating and sleepless but make me love her even more. Tomorrow I may share her pleasure orally or even be allowed to take her with all my desire but tonight I will continue with choirs until the door opens ! Either way, it enforces her authority in the relationship and makes me feel content, happy and satisfied. This is important when you consider that most marriages lack intimacy because of sexual conflict.
My morning will be an extension of the evening by a simple comment before going off to sleep. “You need to set your alarm a little earlier, I just heard the dishwasher go off. Yes another EOP( let's coin a phase here for simplicity ). Now I know that some women are thinking “ at this point he should know the dishwasher needs emptying ”. True, and even without the suggestion a determined submissive would make sure that it was done but the EOP adds spice to the relationship and makes it a lot more fun. Just leaving the dishes in the sink the next day will have the same effect but it is not as direct. Either way works but HER emptying the dishwasher would be very deflating and actually cause me emotional pain.
Part one
IDEA STATE ... part two
ReplyDeleteOK… now you have the basic EOP concept so let's go a little deeper. In my idea FLR the women is always mysterious. When she leaves home, she simply goes out. No explanations ! Yet , she is completely aware of any and all my daily activities and frequently questions me about my day . It is very clear that she expects me to show no interest in other women yet teases me often about the attention she receives from other men. This is an EOP on a much deeper level and it makes submission very real ! I like knowing that I am still competing for her attention in the same way I was on our first date. This makes my gym workouts much more intense and I take great care to always look my best.
Now we go even deeper with this line of thought. I hope my wife will always be faithful in our marriage but it is foundational In my Ideal FLR that I accept that she has the right to pursue other encounters while I am bound to remain completely chaste and faithful. This is a profound EOP that touches my submission at it’s deepest level. We are a typical Southern couple and this is not something that I want or ever expect to experience. However ,embracing and acknowledging this power structure provides incredible energy in our daily FLR. A woman free to make this choice will remain young at heart and happy knowing that she is not locked away and subject to only the attention of her husband. I think this becomes even more important in a FLR because while the husband is wrapped up and fulfilled in his submission he will often forget that she still needs to be pursued from the traditional sense. Again I am not suggesting that we are engaged in a one sided open relationship but rather questioning the idea that I have the right to dictate the terms of our relationship without affecting the true balance of our FLR. These two concepts just do not work together in the same marriage.I simply want my wife to know that in those random moments of unexpected desire and attraction that she is free to explore and set her own limits. I trust her to make decisions as a empowered woman that are safe, sane and consensual in the sense that I have already agreed to support her decision . I appreciate that she is open about her daily encounters outside the marriage and even a causal mention of such an encounter is a powerful EOP. If she ever chooses to be sexual outside the marriage,I am sure it will be emotionally challenging but it will not be secret or deceitful . I experienced the deceit and pain of infidelity in my previous marriage ! Looking back I now believe that the loss of trust and deceit is what destroyed our marriage rather than the actual infidelity. Now those who are shaking your head and saying “ no way I’m going there” just remember that over 60% of married couples in America today experience some type of infidelity in their relationship. Recent surveys now indicate that women in committed relationships are much more likely to engage in an affair than the man! The word Is changing and women are beginning to understand their true position in a relationship .I would much rather accept the very basis of a FLR and agree that she has control in ALL parts of our relationship rather than experience the pain of a secretive affair or encounter that would likely destroy our relationship!
Idea state .... part three
ReplyDeleteI refer to our relationship structure as a FLR without restrictions or a FLR-WR. I know there is a very degrading and common name for this lifestyle on the net but it does not convey the depth of love and trust required in a FLR. I do not believe this foul name has a place on this blog and would rather no one bring it up! I would love to hear comments from the group . Is your FLR without restrictions? If not would you be open to the idea of a FLR-WR? Do you assume all FLR’s are by nature WR? Would your Idea FLR include restrictions on the woman or would it be her choice?
Ok in closing, obviously the core of my Idea State would be built around EOP’s. It is not so much about what she does but rather that she is comfortable in power and enjoys my desire to please her.
Sorry for being so long but I can get pretty passionate about living in a FLR
JOHN
Hello Gigi and Mz Kaylee. Corporal punishment is not really a big part in our relationship but I think it is a very important element in a FLR . The very idea that a man will submit to punishment that his wife deems necessary makes a powerful statement. The picture that forms in his mind the first time he Is punished by his wife is impossible to escape and will forever change his place in the relationship. Once he submits to being punished there is no turning back. He will never be the authority figure in the relationship again!
ReplyDeleteI really beleve that this is a point that couples new to the FLR lifestyle need to give serious consideration to. Submitting to real Punishment by the hand of the woman you love will forever change you and your relationship!
John - I am glad to see that you rethought your ideal state. I was about to comment on your original ideal state and ask if you were being honest with yourself or just stating what you want us to hear. After all, if you truly wanted all the effort to be on you, then I would say that you can already do that now without your wife changing. As you have figured out, that is not want you want. Your revised ideal state is a more honest response. It is wonderful that you shared your personal thoughts with us.
ReplyDeleteIt is ok for a sub husband to have wants and desires from his wife. Any relationship requires work and effort from both people for it to grow and stay strong. FLR is not a one-way street nor is it meant to be a complete dictatorship.
You talk a lot about expressions of dominance (EOD). Love that term and I may have to steal that for my own writings. These may seem like effortless things but to the new Dominant, EOD requires a lot of thought and often planning. Most women do not feel comfortable with EODs and so they need to work hard to change their habits and be more strict and dominant. This may require them to plan ahead to purposely use EODs. And what about those times when you do not meet her expectations (there always will be those times)? She has to make a decision to let it go or hold you accountable. How does she hold you accountable? These decisions require work and effort and maybe even stress on her part.
My point to all this is that the Woman leader needs to put work and effort into the relationship to keep it strong. Secondly, let's all acknowledge that men's needs and desires need to be taken into account in the FLR. It is a myth to think otherwise. In fact, the most effective Woman Leaders are the ones who understand these needs and desires and use that knowledge to motivate their husbands.
Good Morning Mz Kaylee. I appreciate your response. It seems that you must be an early riser like myself.
ReplyDeleteI think my first response was out of the frustration I feel because so many women , including my wife ,are reluctant to enter into a FLR because of the "work required" to be the dominant partner. I well understand this from the fantasy perspective because I have always attracted submissive woman and found that it is exhausting to to be in a constant state of fulfilling their desires and fantasies. However, there is a big difference in Fantasy play and real life submission and it seems to me that over time " the work" side of a FLR would fade away into a daily routine that requires little effort from the woman and great reward. This was my point in the second post with my term EOP ,expressions of power or as you said EOD , expressions of dominance. I want my FLR to require as little thought or effort as possible for my wife. I want her and other women to understand that in daily life it really can be effortless once she is comfortable with EOD.
I am very dedicated to meeting her expectations but if I disappoint her, she is reluctant to hold me accountable. Like you said it is very difficult for most women to apply EOD into the relationship without thought, planning and commitment. I just hope at some point this can flow naturally and not require so much effort.
It is a great help to hear the female perspective from you. I guess I try to oversimplify the female role in a FLR because I am not sure my wife will ever be willing to put the work and effort in to making this work. I try to make it Easy for her so that we can grow in the relationship together. I guess in the end , I have to always remember that this is my dream and desire not hers. I just hope we can find a balance that works for both .
Your wonderful Mz Kaylee!! Thanks for all you do for men like me !!!
John - You have a great attitude about FLR and your wife really is missing out. You need to sell her on the benefits and show her the benefits. You are right that it gets easier over time but I think some of the reluctance is also because it is different than the norm and women have misconceptions about what a submissive husband is. Women need to learn that it is simply about changing perspective to leading rather that sharing in work. Ultimately it is not more work but similar effort as an equal relationship. The difference is that with FLR you get much better results on many levels. The attitude of the husband makes a difference as well. If he is in it for himself, to satisfy his own desires, then the FLR is more work for the wife and she will not want to do it long-term. You are not in that category so you are already ahead of the game.
ReplyDeleteWhy not show her by example. Offer to give her massages, ask if you can bathe her, start putting gas in her car every week before she does, buy her flowers just because you love her, plan a day where she is pampered all day, etc. Do this and expect nothing in return. This will surely get her attention and open the door for conversation. That is how my husband got to me.
Good Morning Mz Kaylee. I appreciate you taking the time to respond. I really feel like I have no where to express my feeling and your new post and responses always make me smile. Thank you!
ReplyDeleteI am a hopeless romantic so I already do most of what you suggested more from a natural state rather than a FLR. I have no expectations and simply take care of her in an old fashion way because that is who I am. I would love to bath her and pamper her even more but unfortunately she is just not comfortable with the attention . I am very sensitive to her reluctance and therefore very careful not to be a nuisance with my attention. I guess in a very unfulfilling way we are actually living a true female dominated lifestyle . So why am I unhappy? She has absolutely no expectations or desires to be served. If I woke her each morning with a cup of coffee and a a kiss for 6 months without exception and suddenly stopped she would simply get up with a smile on her face and fix her own coffee. If I keep the house and Landry done for six months and suddenly stop she will qickly adjust without even a comment and start doing them . She simply has no expectations to be served or appreciation of power.
We have had many frank and open conversations about my desire for a FLR . She does not reject the lifestyle in conversation but never actually applies the principles. I have learned over the years to accept my submission and be comfortable in who I am. I serve and take care of her daily but our relationship is truly void of a FLR power dynamic.
We have been at this for about two years with little progress. I can only hope that over time she will come to appreciate that life in a FLR can be so much better. As always , I hope my comments will inspire other woman to explore the concept and understand that all men desire to serve a powerful women. An attitude of dominance will take a woman places she never dreamed possible!
John