The Busy Dominant Wife - Part III Date Nights and the Less Than Ideal State

I hope you are enjoying this series.  Several days ago I posted a question to ask what your ideal FLR state is.  Thanks so much John D and Gigi for responding.  I hope many more will respond so that we can learn from each other.  There is no wrong answer.  Everyone is different and what's right for you may be different than someone else. I also believe that taking the time to think about your ideal state and writing it down is great exercise to get you moving in that direction or to maintain the state. Years of research suggest that those who write down their goals are more likely to achieve them than those that don't write them down so get writing....:)

In Part II of this topic, John Dalton commented about "using FLR as a tool of strength to overcome issues rather than a toy to discard when there is no time to play." That is a fantastic analogy and a great mindset for Women leaders.  We should always be looking to our FLR and submissive husband as tools to get things done and make our life better and happier. When things get tough or busy we need to rely on the strength of the FLR and deal with the challenges within the framework of the FLR. Even though it may be initially easier to do things ourselves, for the benefit of the relationship it is important to delegate responsibilities and tasks to our husbands. In the long-run it is better for the relationship and is better for you.  Below are a few more strategies to use to keep your FLR from going off the track during the busy times.

3. Schedule Date Nights and Getaways - A regular date night is a great way to stay connected and is a common technique that many couples use. Planned date nights ensure that you spend quality time together.  Weekly is nice but can be a challenge during busy times or if your have kids due to the need for a baby sitter (which can also get expensive). Some of my friends do date nights and monthly seems to be the common schedule. Thomas and I have monthly date nights.  We write it in our calendar so that we do not forget. There is no need for you to be the one to plan the night either.  When I am busy I leave it up to Thomas to plan the date.  However, I must approve his plans.  Usually it's just dinner and drinks or a movie.  Sometimes we'll spend the day together at a festival or a day of shopping together.  On occasion we'll go out with friends but most times it's just us two because the goal of date night is to spend time with each other.  If we are lucky and get the house to ourselves, we may just stay in and have some fun together :). You can spice up the date nights by incorporating some of the fun ideas, which will be discussed in my subsequent posts.

Overnight getaways with each other are also a great way to stay connected and in my opinion, a must have.  I will plan at least 2 overnight trips each year. It can be a long weekend or just an overnight trip. These getaways do not have to be fancy or expensive. The point is to spend time focused on each other.  We will often stay within a few hours drive of home and stay at a cheap hotel or bed and breakfast. The nearby city or small historic towns are great destinations because usually there are activities nearby or nightlife that you can enjoy.  When away, it easy to forget about the day-to-day stresses and activities and focus on each other.  I have some of my best times with my husband on these short getaways and we tend to let our inhibitions run a little wild, which makes for even more fun.  When we return home I am usually feeling refreshed and more dominant and his submission and obedience are at high levels.


3 Plan For a Less Than Ideal State but don't lose site of the ideal state. When busy times hit, you are not going to be able to keep your ideal FLR state intact.  However, rather than let things just fall to the wayside, it's better to proactively figure out what will work and put a plan in place to make it happen.  Set aside a 1/2 hour each week to reflect on the previous week and plan out the new week. Write down the plan and share it with your husband. This 1/2 hour a week of planning will go a long way in helping you stay connected to your husband, getting him involved with helping you, and getting you through the busy time and eventually back to the ideal state.

Review your ideal state and then figure out what things can still be easily maintained and what things will need to change.  There are some no-brainers. For example, he should still keep up with his usual chores. With Thomas, I would expect him to always make my morning coffee. Your orgasm control  and authority over him most definitely needs to stay intact. You may give him a little leeway in doing things or making decisions, but for bigger decisions he should defer to you and he should still be held accountable for inappropriate decisions.

Things that may need to change are items that affect your time or energy level. If daily massages won't work, designate one or two days a week for massages or tell him they will be on an "as-demanded" basis and he needs to always be ready to give you one. If you don't have time for regular discipline sessions, make them less frequent or provide the discipline feedback via notes, texts, or quick conversations. Focus on the bigger items that need correction and not the small battles. The discipline jar technique that I wrote about in a post last year has been very effective for me to provide discipline with little effort and good results.  Also, make sure you assign him new chores or tasks to help you out. To free up your time, think about temporarily delegating tasks that you would normally not have him do.  If things are hectic for you, he should share in it and be doing everything possible to help you.  A FLR is a perfect structure for this so take advantage of it!   If you delegate several small things to him, it can take a lot of stress off you and it frees up time for you to do the leading in the FLR.  

Maintain the perspective of the leader and not the "do-er" in the relationship.  Your first reaction should not be to jump in and do things. It is very easy to fall into that trap. Instead, your first thought should be, 'how can I get him to help me?' By spending time planning, delegating, and training him to do things for you, it will make your life a lot easier and keep the FLR strong.  Do not lose sight of the fact that the submissive husband craves to be dominated and told what to do. Use that to your advantage!!  Be dominant and confident and order him firmly to do things for you.  He will love it and it will help you.
Trust me, he would gladly work his ass of for you if he knows he's going to get a nice "rub" as a reward or it will free you up for intimate time together.

This brings me to another important point. Making time for the 'rubs' and intimacy is important. Your planning needs to factor in not only your needs but also things to keep your husband motivated, obedient, and submissive.  This is where many women struggle and often fail with the FLR. If you are like me, when I get busy or stressed, sex is the last thing on my mind so admittedly during hectic times it takes a conscious effort from me to keep the intimacy and sexual energy going. On the flip side, men are highly sexual creatures. During good times, bad times, sad times, and stressful times, they are thinking about sex. It is always on their mind. That is how the male is wired.  When the sexual energy from you suddenly drops or cuts off, it negatively impacts his attitude. He becomes demotivated and can even be depressed.  He may be doing his best to support you but on the inside he is most likely struggling with the lack of sexual attention. In an ideal world this would not happen, but lets face it, the male reaction is not always ideal. If you think back to the basics of FLR, orgasm control and teasing is one of the core techniques used in just about every FLR. That is because men are highly motivated by sex.  You need to use this to your advantage, no matter what the situation.

This makes for a good stopping point.  In my next post I will write more about orgasm control and get into the the fun ideas.  Hope you are enjoying this series of posts.  Please send feedback, thoughts, questions, or ideas...

-Mz Kaylee