Taking over the Reins of Control Part III

Some things I touched on in my last post were that many women may be ready to dive into a FLR but it is not very intuitive for them; your husband thinks he knows what he wants in a FLR but probably does not. So what do you do now?  How do you move forward with a FLR and what should it look like.  Unfortunately, there is no one right answer but it is fun trying to figure it out. Some of you may be able to hit the ground running and everything works out just great.  However, I am willing to bet the vast majority of you will need some time to figure it out. It will take a lot of trial and error and may even take years to before you are comfortable with it.  The great thing is that it is something you can learn and I truly believe going through the process will make you a better person and will strengthen your marriage and relationship with you husband. For me, it has been a wonderful journey and the journey is still going.

There are not short-cuts.  It's like trying to teach kids how to play sports.  I played basketball when I was younger and so it is easy for me to tell my daughter all the things she needs to know about playing basketball.  However, the first time she got into a game she applied very little of what I told her. Why is that?  There are many reasons. Being told what to do and actually doing it, are two completely different things.  When she gets into the live game situation it's not easy remembering what to do, some thing may seem awkward so she decides not to do them out of embarrassment or fear or doing it wrong, or she just may not have the skill to do it.  Any of you who have followed your kids through sports, know that it takes years for them to develop the skill and knowledge to play the game right. It also takes a lot of practice, trial and error, and coaching.  The same concepts apply to building a FLR.

There is no one right answer for how to build and run your FLR.  It all depends on what your goals are and what you and your partner are comfortable with.  While I can't give you the answer, I can give you advice on how to go about developing and strengthening your FLR.  I recommend you approach it by doing three things:  1) Read about it, 2) talk about it, and 3) Try it.  These steps are re-iterative and in no particular order.  After being in a FLR for over 10 years, I still do those three things on a regular basis.  Below I will expand on each one.

Read about it  One of the awesome things about the Internet is there is a tremendous amount of information on just about any topic at your fingertips.  There are many blogs, websites, and forums dedicated to FLR's and controlling men or men submitting to women.  Spend a lot of time exploring these resources.  You will most certainly come across quite a bit of rubbish or "fantasy fodder" and that's ok.  You can laugh about it and move on.  The important thing is to read as much as you can and then hone in on the things that hit a chord with you.  Even some of the 'fantasy' stuff often have one or two good ideas mixed in that you can take away.   Take notes or save the ideas that interest you.  Even, if it is something that you don't want to try right away, file it for later.

To save you time, you can order your husband to do research for you and print out articles and blogs for you to read.  I do this with Thomas and it works well.  Trust me, your husband will love this assignment and will probably be horny and aroused from reading all the information. Chance are the first few topics you get are going to be things that he really wants, which gives you a quick glance into his mind and what he is thinking.  That's great intel for you. The only caution is that your husband may be filtering out information that that he does not want you to know about.   He may also inadvertently filter out something he thinks is not important, but to you it is important.  To minimize the risk of this, you can give him specific topics to research such as doing chores in a FLR, punishments, and finances in a FLR.  Those are some of the topics that he may be purposely filtering out.  However, I would recommend that initially you start broad and tell him to provide you with some articles about FLR.  Then see what he comes back with. As noted above, this will give you insight as to his focus and what he wants or thinks is important.  I would also recommend you do your own research so that you are seeing it all.  Make sure your husband provides you with links to the websites he is pulling information from. This way you can go back to the websites on your own and do further research.

As you read about the various topics, keep an open mind.  Don't be afraid to try something new or different.  Often time when you are in the heat of the moment, the silliest things suddenly become erotic and fun for you or your partner.  I had thought spanking was silly but the first time I tried it, it turned me on so much, I practically had an orgasm in the middle of it.  Sometime you may try something that seems like it will be erotic but it turns out to be more silly.  There have been many times where Thomas and I just burst out laughing in the middle of something new that we were trying.  You have to have fun with this and you should be comfortable laughing at yourself and with each other.  To me, these are the moments that bring you closer together.

Talk About It
Communication is very important.  If you are just starting a FLR, it's probably a good idea to probe him with questions about what he likes and what he expects from the FLR and even what his fantasies are.  It is particularly fun doing this why you are teasing him.  I find that Thomas's filters disappear when he is aroused and he will talk about anything and admit to some of his deepest secrets and fantasies.

Don't be afraid to run ideas by him of things you are thinking about trying to see how he reacts.  It's also fun to bring up things that seemed weird or strange to you.  You may be surprised at his reaction.  If you try something new, it is also good to talk about it afterward. I enjoy talking to Thomas the day after we do something to see how he felt about it.  I want to know what he liked the most, how it made him feel, and what drove him wild.  A good technique I use, which I find very effective, is to have him write a letter to me the next day with his thoughts.  Usually he is so thrilled and excited about what happened that he can not stop writing.  I have learned to give him a page limit.  The things he writes, helps reaffirm that I am doing the right things and gives me ideas and information on where to focus in the future. If you use this technique, make sure it is clear to him that he is to write about how he felt and what he liked.  He is not to write about what he wants you to do. 

When you are first starting out in a FLR, seeking his feedback will be extremely beneficial to you.  You will most likely find that his feedback is overwhelmingly positive and filled with excitement.  This reassures you that you are doing the right thing and is a big confidence builder for you. Often times, you will also discover that you think you are being tough on him but you really are not.  Submissive men tend to crave high levels of strictness and toughness.  His feedback will help you adjust to find a balance that works for both of you. Men - take note of this as well.  When your wife does something that you like, make sure you tell her and thank her for it and let her know you appreciate what she is doing for you. I encourage you write her letters.  Just make sure it is positive feedback and not about what you want. You can tell her that you loved what she did but also make sure you thank her for it.

The challenging part about talking, especially in the beginning, is getting to his true feelings and knowing what things to dismiss versus what things to consider.  He may reject something that he really likes, simply because he is embarrassed to admit that he likes it.  It is a good idea to be probing in your questions and to not be afraid to push or challenge what he says.  For example, you may ask do you like the idea of wearing panties?  If he says 'no'.  You could push a little further by asking things like Have you ever thought about it?  Would you be willing to try it? Are you sure, you seem to get aroused when I mention it? This probing will lead to good conversation and will help put him at ease.

It is important not to immediately dismiss any of his ideas or thoughts so as not to discourage him to be open with you. I have learned to avoid saying 'no' or 'never' when discussing our FLR and his ideas.   There are two reasons for this. First, I find that leaving the potential for something (hope) can be used to motivate him and is also fun for mind games.  Second, as you experiment with FLR you will go through a transformation and will discover new things about yourself.  Some ideas that are not appealing to you now,several years later may suddenly become desirable.

Also remember that you are in charge.  Just because he says something does not mean you have to agree to it or do it.  Men who are just discovering their submissive side, often are focused on all the kinky aspects and often try to lead you in that direction.  I don't fault them for this, because typically that is all they can relate to and that is how their mind is wired.  A FLR is so much more than just satisfying their kinky desires.  It is your job as the leader, to redirect their focus to you and to a more holistic approach to FLR.  Just like they are trying to get you to open up to the idea of controlling them, you have to get them to open up to the idea that a FLR is more than just kink and that their focus needs to be on satisfying and serving you.   Men - this an important concept. Your relationship will become so much more fulfilling and exciting if you can make this shift in perspective.  Pleasing and serving her should be your focus.

Try It
This is the easy and fun part.  Try and experiment with things. Learn from it.  Not everything will work as planned and that is fine.  Get rid of the things that did not work or look to improve them.  Hold on to the things that did work.  As I mentioned previously, I encourage you to try new things and try things that are outside you comfort zone or may seem silly to you.  If your husband suggests something that seems weird to you, why not try it?  Now I know some guys can get a little crazy with their thoughts.  Obviously you have to apply some sensibility to what you are willing to try.  You need to make sure it is safe and within your morals. You need to weigh the risk of possible consequences to your relationship or if it could impact others.  For example, cuckolding is not something you would want to jump into without some serious thought. Most things he wants to do are probably harmless fun.  Give t a try and see how it turns out.  Make sure you try things that you want to do as well,  If he is resistant, try bringing it up while teasing him. Persuasion with Female power is hard to resist.

Remember these steps can be done in any order and should be done continually.  Don't stop experimenting and learning.  That's the fun of it all.

-Mz Kaylee.

Follow-up on Taking over the Reins of Control

One of the things I like the most about Sandra's point of view (from my last post) is the celebration of her husband's submission. I completely agree that a man's submission is something to be excited about. My husbands submission is an awesome gift to me. It is incredible how much he cares for me, loves me, and wants to please me.  That is what makes him a strong man and amazing husband. We have a fantastic relationship.  It is quite astonishing to me how many of my friends, family, and acquaintances have experienced divorce.  I think I know more people who have been divorced than those who are happily married.  After many years of marriage, it still feels like the honeymoon to me and the idea of divorce is so foreign to me.  I attribute a huge amount of that to our FLR.  That is the end of my promo for FLR :)

The point I am trying to make is that a husband's submission is a good thing and you should be thrilled (not concerned) if he expresses an interest in it. It presents a tremendous opportunity for you to impact your marriage and your own personal life in a positive way. Your husband is the clay and now you get to mold him anyway you want.  How exciting is that!  So if you are in a situation where your husband brings up the idea of submission or orgasm denial, what do you do? It can be a very confusing and uncomfortable topic. The best thing you can do initially is listen to what he has to say and talk about it with him.  If he is bringing up the topic with you, chances are it has been festering inside him for months and probably even years.  Try to understand what exactly he is asking for. Ask lots of questions.  Do not make any judgments.  Just take it all in. He will love that you are showing interest. Be sure to thank him for opening up to you and tell him that you are glad he brought this to your attention.  This is a huge gesture that will go a long way with building trust with your husband.  Let him know that you are open to the idea and want to try it but need to think about it more.

For most people in this situation, it is not like flipping a switch and suddenly you are dominant and have a great FLR.  Chances are both the wife and husband do not know exactly what they want or need to do.  I find that guys think they know what they want, but they truly don't understand their submissive desires.  For them, the focus tends to be all about their kinks and the typical idea of femdom with whips and leather.  While this is fun, it is short-term and is not fulfilling.  It will spice up your relationship but will lack the other benefits of a FLR such as better communication and building a stronger, deeper connection with your spouse. It also puts all the work on you as the dominant partner, and that is not the purpose of a FLR.  A big part of your job as the leader will be redirecting his attention to serving you and focusing on your needs and not his desires.  This does not mean you ignore his desires.  It is primarily a paradigm shift in thinking.  He needs to embrace his submission and focus on serving and worshipping you.  You will use his desires and kinks to guide him in that direction.  Once this change in thinking occurs, great things will happen.

I will continue this topic in my next post.  I welcome comments on this topic from both men and women.  I am always interested to hear whether your own experiences reaffirm what I am talking about or maybe you have had an experience that is complete opposite.  I am a strong believer that sharing experiences, helps others connect with the concept and understand that FLR is real, achievable, and a great thing.

-MzKaylee

Taking Over the Reins of Control in Your Marraige- Female Led Marraige

This post is directed towards women who are  discovering or new to the concept of Female Led Relationship/Marriage (FLR/FLM).  Perhaps you have been trying it for awhile and are still trying to figure out things, or maybe your husband has suggested the idea to you, or maybe you are just learning about it.  Whatever the reason, I hope this post helps guide you in the right direction.

One of the most challenging things for many women who are new to FLR, is understanding the dynamic and how they should act.  When a husband is the one that introduces the concept, it is not uncommon for the wife to have confusing thoughts and wonder if it will make him weak.  Let me clear that up right away.  Submission does not equal weak.  In fact, my opinion is that he is a bigger man than most others for opening up to you about this topic. My husband is submissive but he is strong and confident and he treats me like a Goddess.  It is a great thing! 

FLR can be very confusing at first.  For many women it is not intuitive.  Who would think that denying a man orgasm would be a good thing and that he would actually enjoy it?  Is it common sense that a man wants his wife to be strict with him and wants to be punished if he does something wrong?  To me, it makes perfect sense but for someone just discovering FLR, this is probably a bizarre concept.  This confusion causes uncertainty on what to do, resulting in the wife being passive and unsure in her actions.  For the submissive husband it causes frustration and disappointment.  If you scour forums and blogs, there are endless posts and comments from men who are craving control form their wives and they just can't figure out how to get their wives to control them.  If you are in this situation, I want you to know that it is normal and common. 

The good news is these are not strong barriers and they can be overcome.  I will expand on this topic more in future posts.  For now I would like to share a comment that was posted on the Femdom101 blog by one of the readers of the blog. Sandra has been grateful enough to give permission for me to post her comment. Sandra provides a wonderful perspective on why women should embrace FLR with their husband. When you read her comment, pay special attention to her attitude towards submissive men as well as her insights into how men feel about submission.



From Femdom101Things your momma never taught Oct 6th..

Sandra said...

"Submissive men have a need to serve, they want to be trained, held accountable and punished for their mistakes. This is all part of having a female authority in their lives. And they need the relationship to be real, not some game, something she does just to please him. But men and women think differently and women have a hard time, especially in the begining, understanding the needs of a submissive man. They tend project their own feelings and their way of thinking into the situation. No matter what they have said, when it comes right down to it. Too many women see themselves as mean, selfish, arrogant and cruel. So they struggle to take on the role of the female authority in a femdom marriage. I've seen this many times, the man tries to express his needs and his wife only hears that he needs some kinky desires met. And that he wants her to participate in a lifestyle and activities she is very uncomfortable with. Women in this situation usually convince themselves that their men will eventually get over it and get back to normal. They deny the reality of the situation because they don't understand it and because it makes them uncomfortable. They don't realize that a submissive man needs to serve and that he would rather serve his wife most of all. But if that is not available for whatever reason, he will serve a woman outside of his relationship. The need to serve is too strong to be denied for long.

Knowing this, the ladies in my femdom circle allow the men to serve in every way possible. We are not being mean or selfish or cruel, instead we are giving our men the gift of servitude. Which just happens to be exactly what they want and need. Depriving them of this because we may not understand, that would be the selfish thing to do. Only when we finally understand submissive men. Do we see just how much they love us and need our leadership and authority in their lives.

When my group gets together, depending on the reason. We allow some or all of the men to join us. If we are getting together for a private, women only conversation.
Then the hostess will have her slave serve the food and drinks before assigning him several outdoor chores. Or she may leash, then lead him to a back room where he will do corner time until we are through. This keeps our conversations private and gives her slave a chance to serve and sacrifice for his mistress and the other ladies. If the gathering is more social, just to enjoy some quality time together. But we still want it to be more of a women only thing. Then one or two of the men are allowed to serve. They are allowed to stay in the room ready to wait on any of the ladies hand and foot as needed. And when not serving they stand at attention, close by but still out of the way. Usually we post one man on the left at one end of the room and the other one on the right on the other end. Making sure that they stand looking at the wall opposite them and not directly at the women. When we plan one of these. Usually the men will beg their mistress to be chosen for service that day.

If the gathering is a celebration of our lifestyle, then all the men are present. And depending on our plans they serve in several different ways. These are not wild, unbridled femdom parties as many may think. But rules, protocols and the pure enjoyment of the femdom lifestyle is definitely on display. Enjoyed as much by the men as by the women.

This is not kink or over the top Internet nonsense. It is the gathering of a group of women that understand submissive male needs. Everything we do is carefully planned to provide our men with what they need as submissive males. We love our husbands and want nothing but the best for them and for our marriages. But we've chosen a lifestyle that to an outsider looks totally different from what it truly is. There is a lot to take in and a lot to understand, it takes work, dedication and commitment. But the rewards are great and none of us, not the women or the men would ever go back to a vanilla existence."