Taking over the Reins of Control Part III

Some things I touched on in my last post were that many women may be ready to dive into a FLR but it is not very intuitive for them; your husband thinks he knows what he wants in a FLR but probably does not. So what do you do now?  How do you move forward with a FLR and what should it look like.  Unfortunately, there is no one right answer but it is fun trying to figure it out. Some of you may be able to hit the ground running and everything works out just great.  However, I am willing to bet the vast majority of you will need some time to figure it out. It will take a lot of trial and error and may even take years to before you are comfortable with it.  The great thing is that it is something you can learn and I truly believe going through the process will make you a better person and will strengthen your marriage and relationship with you husband. For me, it has been a wonderful journey and the journey is still going.

There are not short-cuts.  It's like trying to teach kids how to play sports.  I played basketball when I was younger and so it is easy for me to tell my daughter all the things she needs to know about playing basketball.  However, the first time she got into a game she applied very little of what I told her. Why is that?  There are many reasons. Being told what to do and actually doing it, are two completely different things.  When she gets into the live game situation it's not easy remembering what to do, some thing may seem awkward so she decides not to do them out of embarrassment or fear or doing it wrong, or she just may not have the skill to do it.  Any of you who have followed your kids through sports, know that it takes years for them to develop the skill and knowledge to play the game right. It also takes a lot of practice, trial and error, and coaching.  The same concepts apply to building a FLR.

There is no one right answer for how to build and run your FLR.  It all depends on what your goals are and what you and your partner are comfortable with.  While I can't give you the answer, I can give you advice on how to go about developing and strengthening your FLR.  I recommend you approach it by doing three things:  1) Read about it, 2) talk about it, and 3) Try it.  These steps are re-iterative and in no particular order.  After being in a FLR for over 10 years, I still do those three things on a regular basis.  Below I will expand on each one.

Read about it  One of the awesome things about the Internet is there is a tremendous amount of information on just about any topic at your fingertips.  There are many blogs, websites, and forums dedicated to FLR's and controlling men or men submitting to women.  Spend a lot of time exploring these resources.  You will most certainly come across quite a bit of rubbish or "fantasy fodder" and that's ok.  You can laugh about it and move on.  The important thing is to read as much as you can and then hone in on the things that hit a chord with you.  Even some of the 'fantasy' stuff often have one or two good ideas mixed in that you can take away.   Take notes or save the ideas that interest you.  Even, if it is something that you don't want to try right away, file it for later.

To save you time, you can order your husband to do research for you and print out articles and blogs for you to read.  I do this with Thomas and it works well.  Trust me, your husband will love this assignment and will probably be horny and aroused from reading all the information. Chance are the first few topics you get are going to be things that he really wants, which gives you a quick glance into his mind and what he is thinking.  That's great intel for you. The only caution is that your husband may be filtering out information that that he does not want you to know about.   He may also inadvertently filter out something he thinks is not important, but to you it is important.  To minimize the risk of this, you can give him specific topics to research such as doing chores in a FLR, punishments, and finances in a FLR.  Those are some of the topics that he may be purposely filtering out.  However, I would recommend that initially you start broad and tell him to provide you with some articles about FLR.  Then see what he comes back with. As noted above, this will give you insight as to his focus and what he wants or thinks is important.  I would also recommend you do your own research so that you are seeing it all.  Make sure your husband provides you with links to the websites he is pulling information from. This way you can go back to the websites on your own and do further research.

As you read about the various topics, keep an open mind.  Don't be afraid to try something new or different.  Often time when you are in the heat of the moment, the silliest things suddenly become erotic and fun for you or your partner.  I had thought spanking was silly but the first time I tried it, it turned me on so much, I practically had an orgasm in the middle of it.  Sometime you may try something that seems like it will be erotic but it turns out to be more silly.  There have been many times where Thomas and I just burst out laughing in the middle of something new that we were trying.  You have to have fun with this and you should be comfortable laughing at yourself and with each other.  To me, these are the moments that bring you closer together.

Talk About It
Communication is very important.  If you are just starting a FLR, it's probably a good idea to probe him with questions about what he likes and what he expects from the FLR and even what his fantasies are.  It is particularly fun doing this why you are teasing him.  I find that Thomas's filters disappear when he is aroused and he will talk about anything and admit to some of his deepest secrets and fantasies.

Don't be afraid to run ideas by him of things you are thinking about trying to see how he reacts.  It's also fun to bring up things that seemed weird or strange to you.  You may be surprised at his reaction.  If you try something new, it is also good to talk about it afterward. I enjoy talking to Thomas the day after we do something to see how he felt about it.  I want to know what he liked the most, how it made him feel, and what drove him wild.  A good technique I use, which I find very effective, is to have him write a letter to me the next day with his thoughts.  Usually he is so thrilled and excited about what happened that he can not stop writing.  I have learned to give him a page limit.  The things he writes, helps reaffirm that I am doing the right things and gives me ideas and information on where to focus in the future. If you use this technique, make sure it is clear to him that he is to write about how he felt and what he liked.  He is not to write about what he wants you to do. 

When you are first starting out in a FLR, seeking his feedback will be extremely beneficial to you.  You will most likely find that his feedback is overwhelmingly positive and filled with excitement.  This reassures you that you are doing the right thing and is a big confidence builder for you. Often times, you will also discover that you think you are being tough on him but you really are not.  Submissive men tend to crave high levels of strictness and toughness.  His feedback will help you adjust to find a balance that works for both of you. Men - take note of this as well.  When your wife does something that you like, make sure you tell her and thank her for it and let her know you appreciate what she is doing for you. I encourage you write her letters.  Just make sure it is positive feedback and not about what you want. You can tell her that you loved what she did but also make sure you thank her for it.

The challenging part about talking, especially in the beginning, is getting to his true feelings and knowing what things to dismiss versus what things to consider.  He may reject something that he really likes, simply because he is embarrassed to admit that he likes it.  It is a good idea to be probing in your questions and to not be afraid to push or challenge what he says.  For example, you may ask do you like the idea of wearing panties?  If he says 'no'.  You could push a little further by asking things like Have you ever thought about it?  Would you be willing to try it? Are you sure, you seem to get aroused when I mention it? This probing will lead to good conversation and will help put him at ease.

It is important not to immediately dismiss any of his ideas or thoughts so as not to discourage him to be open with you. I have learned to avoid saying 'no' or 'never' when discussing our FLR and his ideas.   There are two reasons for this. First, I find that leaving the potential for something (hope) can be used to motivate him and is also fun for mind games.  Second, as you experiment with FLR you will go through a transformation and will discover new things about yourself.  Some ideas that are not appealing to you now,several years later may suddenly become desirable.

Also remember that you are in charge.  Just because he says something does not mean you have to agree to it or do it.  Men who are just discovering their submissive side, often are focused on all the kinky aspects and often try to lead you in that direction.  I don't fault them for this, because typically that is all they can relate to and that is how their mind is wired.  A FLR is so much more than just satisfying their kinky desires.  It is your job as the leader, to redirect their focus to you and to a more holistic approach to FLR.  Just like they are trying to get you to open up to the idea of controlling them, you have to get them to open up to the idea that a FLR is more than just kink and that their focus needs to be on satisfying and serving you.   Men - this an important concept. Your relationship will become so much more fulfilling and exciting if you can make this shift in perspective.  Pleasing and serving her should be your focus.

Try It
This is the easy and fun part.  Try and experiment with things. Learn from it.  Not everything will work as planned and that is fine.  Get rid of the things that did not work or look to improve them.  Hold on to the things that did work.  As I mentioned previously, I encourage you to try new things and try things that are outside you comfort zone or may seem silly to you.  If your husband suggests something that seems weird to you, why not try it?  Now I know some guys can get a little crazy with their thoughts.  Obviously you have to apply some sensibility to what you are willing to try.  You need to make sure it is safe and within your morals. You need to weigh the risk of possible consequences to your relationship or if it could impact others.  For example, cuckolding is not something you would want to jump into without some serious thought. Most things he wants to do are probably harmless fun.  Give t a try and see how it turns out.  Make sure you try things that you want to do as well,  If he is resistant, try bringing it up while teasing him. Persuasion with Female power is hard to resist.

Remember these steps can be done in any order and should be done continually.  Don't stop experimenting and learning.  That's the fun of it all.

-Mz Kaylee.