If you do not punish your husband or are hesitant to do so, please read this post. What I have to say may change your mind or help you be more comfortable with punishing your husband. If you are currently punishing your husband then I encourage you to comment on this post and provide feedback or share your experience with punishment so that others may learn from it.
Punishment is one of the most powerful and effective tools for strengthening the Wife Led Marriage but yet so many women do not do it. I would rank it right behind Orgasm Control in terms of powerful tools for leading the marriage; orgasm control is #1 on my list. It is understandable why many women do not incorporate punishment into their marriage. For most people, having to dole out a punishment is not a pleasant experience and on the surface, it is a bit strange or awkward to punish your husband. I'm sure some women fear that their husband will reject their punishment or have the opposite concern, that their husband enjoys being punished and will do things purposely to get punished. Lastly, many women probably avoid punishment because they are just not sure how to appropriately punish their husband or what to do. I will address each of these concerns in this post but first I will explain why it is important to incorporate punishment into your Female Led Marriage.
The most obvious benefit is that punishment deters bad behavior. If your husband disobeys you or is regularly not meeting your expectations because of lack of focus or laziness, then a punishment quickly corrects the situation. Without punishment, the bad behavior just continuous leaving you frustrated or unhappy. You all know that already. I am not stating anything new here but there is a less obvious part of the equation that needs to be explored, which is the effects of avoiding punishment.
If you avoid punishing him for bad behavior it will most likely demotivate him from obeying you and serving you and could lead to him being unhappy. Take a moment to re-read that last sentence and absorb what I wrote. Lack of punishment demotivates him and makes him unhappy. This is because the submissive husband desires to be controlled and desires to be held accountable when he is not living up to your standards. When he does something wrong, if you do not take corrective action, then he instantly loses that feeling of being controlled and he begins to wonder whether or not you really care about the FLR. This starts the downward spiral within him. He may even start to test you and purposely slack off on his responsibilities. When no additional action is taken by you he is demotivated and you end up in a not so good situation. My husband and I have been in that situation a few times before. I've learned that I need to use punishment when his behavior is bad, in order to keep him focused on living up to my expectations and his submissive obligations.
Men know when they have done something bad or disobeyed. Even if they apologize, they still need to held accountable. Accepting their apology is not enough because without consequences, there is little to deter them from repeating the bad behavior. Holding them accountable is what keeps their submission strong, allows them penance, and deters the bad behavior in the future. They may not like the punishment (they should not like it) but they will appreciate that you are holding them accountable and exerting your control over them.
Another not so obvious effect of punishment is the emotional impact it has on men. When you issue a punishment and your husband yields to you and accepts the punishment, mentally he is acknowledging and accepting your authority over him. This is a huge emotional step that makes your authority 100% real to him and not just fantasy play. When a husband is punished, he learns that he is beneath his wife in the chain of command. The first time I punished my husband, he confessed afterward that it had a surreal effect on him. It was the first time he truly felt the realness of his submission to me and that he was no longer an equal in the marriage. This is why incorporating punishment in your marriage is so powerful. It takes your authority and dominance over him to higher level.
Punishments also prevent arguments and help the couple put the bad behavior or incident behind them and move on. Often times people avoid speaking up when they are upset about something because they don't like confrontation. This only leads to a build up of anger over time and possibly resentment, which either leads to unhappiness or an explosive argument. If one person does speak up, the other person tends to be defensive which can lead to an argument with no positive outcome or resolution. After an argument, bad feelings can continue unless there is a resolution. The advantage of a FLR is that the wife is the final authority and the husband accepts this. Instead of arguing, she just firmly addresses his disobedience and issues the punishment. Once the punishment is over, everything resets and there are no more bad feelings.
Now that I've explained why punishing your husband is important, I can move onto addressing the road blocks many women face with using punishment as a tool in the marriage
Punishment is not a pleasant experience - This is true but it also not pleasant to be unhappy or frustrated due to a lack of obedience from your husband. While it's easier to not punish him, it is not the best thing for the relationship. Not taking action leads to continued frustration or unhappiness which overtime leads to anger. It's best to address the issue immediately and issue a punishment. As soon as the punishment is issued, you will feel better and his behavior will change leading to a positive outcome. If you are at the point of punishing him, then he should already know that he did something wrong and it should be no surprise to him that a punishment is coming. Most men will genuinely feel bad about disappointing you and will accept the punishment as a form of penance. I know my husband tends to be much more focused on pleasing me and loving towards me after a punishment.
It is strange or awkward to punish your husband - At first, this may be true (although I am sure some of you have no problem punishing your husband :). It is a bit silly when you think about a wife punishing her husband. However, in the context of a FLR it makes a lot of sense. The first time I punished my husband, I was a little nervous and it did feel weird but he took his punishment without issue and even apologized. His behavior and attention to me after the punishment was stellar. I was pleased with the result and it upped my confidence with having authority over him. The more I used punishments, the more comfortable I became doling them out. You just need to give it a try and keep doing it. Before you know it, you won't think twice about punishing him when it is warranted.
He will reject your punishment - If he is already under your control and has acknowledged you as leader, this should be a non-issue. Submissive men want to please their wife and want to be held accountable. If they truly were bad or disobeyed you, they will feel bad about it and accept the punishment. If he puts up a fight, then there are deeper issues that you need to address in the relationship.
He will enjoy the punishment and do things on purpose to be punished - This was one of my concerns early on. However, I have learned that with the right punishment, this will not occur. If you are currently not punishing your husband, then there is a good chance he will act-up or disobey to test you. Trust me, if you respond with an appropriate punishment, he will not continue to seek out punishments. He will do everything possible to avoid being punished. It is important that your punishments are unpleasant for him so that they deter him from disobeying you.
She doe not know how to punish him or what to do? This is something I struggled with early on. Ideas for punishment are a common request on femdom forums so I would imagine many people struggle with this. The good news is that it is an an easy fix. With a little research and preparation, you can learn effective punishments and be ready to punish him when the time comes. In my next post I will write about appropriate punishments and give a few ideas.
-Mz Kaylee
I received an email this morning saying there is a very good post on Think Tank dealing with punishment.
ReplyDeleteFrom my experiences I would say the number one reason femdom relationships fail is the result of the wife's fear of punishment.
For many women the idea of punishing a man is unnatural or somehow against the laws of nature. There remains this feeling that the man should really be in charge, not her.
When the wife does find the courage to punish it often turns into something of a game where the husband misbehaves on purpose. The fact is that it is difficult for a wife to determine what really is punishment as opposed to fantasy play. Lets face it we don't really know what turns them on. An over the knee spanking may seem like a punishment to us, but it can actually be fun for some men. And, yes of course a very hard whipping may be real punishment, but what woman wants to see blood on the man she loves. The aim of what we do is to punish, not torture.
What has best worked for me is the combination of withdrawal of privileges, some corner time along with extra house work. My husband loves to watch football. He understands that any type of back talk will lead to a weekend of extra cleaning or yard work without the benefit of watching his favorite teams.
Several years ago a friend recommended that the best form of punishment was hard physical work that was unnecessary. She suggested having him dig a hole, putting a red stick in it, and then have him fill it up. Then, if he doesn't seem to show contrition have him dig up the red stick, and bring it to you.
There are times and places where humiliation can be a form of punishment. In the early part of Femdom 101 I talked about having John wear a big, bright ribbon in his hair for most of a day. That worked.
He was humiliated in a way that was not fun, and it served as a reminder that it was up to him to please me or that there would be real consequences.
Love your posting.
Kathy
It was last year about this time that I took away his golf game. Losing he golf game was in itself bad enough for him. However, the best part was that the game had already been scheduled. 'What am I going to tell Paul', he asked with a bit of an ugly accent on his words.
That is simple I told him. You are to Paul that you can not play golf because your wife will not give you permission as you are being punished. And, I told him that he is to use these same exact words. It turned out that telling Paul was the worst part of his punishment.
As a man's mistress you need to separate the fantasy from the reality.
The reality of punishment must be totally separate and apart from any fantasy harbored in his mind.
Thank you for an excellent post that goes to the very foundation of what our choice of lifestyle is all about.
Thank you Kathy for sharing your experience and ideas on punishment. Great advice and very useful ideas. I remember your story about the bow. I laughed when I read it and had a feeling it was a very effective punishment. Thanks for commenting.
ReplyDeleteIf you look on this blog under 2014 punishment for Thomas I made a relevant comment entry there that would fit this particular post. I would just add on to that previous entry with this….
ReplyDeleteThe spanking punishment which I administered then was a turning point event in our flr marriage. It taught my husband that I was deadly serious about my leadership role in our marriage and cemented the fact that he was expected to obey me or experience my severe and genuine displeasure whenever he broke my rules. He learned that it was much easier to submit to me than to do his own thing.
That experience 3 years ago taught me several things.
ReplyDeletePunishments must be delivered, when warranted, early after they have been earned by my husband. It was unfair to both of us to put off punishments until things has festered and anger had escalated on my part. So punish early and often as needed. Don't let infractions fester and turn into bigger problems.
Punishments need to be severe in nature if they are to be effective. If they are not suitably uncomfortable to my husband, then I’m just wasting my time and his.
So since that watershed event 3 years ago in our marriage I have learned, basically, spare the rod and you spoil the husband and the flr. Severe strappings are still my go to punishment with my husband. i have also found that punishments need to extend over the course of typically 3 days to be really effective. Time really cements the correction with my husband. So when he needs to be punished, it’s very typically a severe tear inducing strapping with him tied over the back of the couch for a series of three consecutive nights. I have found this to be a proven effective means of correcting his behaviour. Anything less and it just doesn't seem to take as well. Since he has responded to 3 consecutive nights so well, I haven't found the need to extend it generally further than that. So you will need to experiment with your own husbands to see what works and what doesn't.
ReplyDeleteInitially I found it very difficult to strap my husband. It definitely wasn't my favorite activity and I viewed it to some degree as a failure in leadership on my part when I found a need to resort to those punishments over some other less severe methods of correcting his behaviour. This has been slowly evolving for me. I now find it much easier to administer these same punishments with almost no guilt. I can see through sustained first hand experience how well he responds to these periodic corrections from me and therefore what genuine positive value they have in our marriage. It’s become a very effective tool for maintaining the overall tone in our relationship. Since that is the case, I can now see their worthwhile merit, so I have a much easier time now dispensing the strappings.
My husband has also told me that while he hates to be punished and that he does feel humiliated and in great pain while they are delivered, he does however really appreciate (after the fact) that I do this for him and our marriage. He enjoys feeling bound to me this way, and feels a tremendous sense of relief after he has redeemed himself through a correction after he has “fucked up” and earned one.
I now also like to follow up any corrective sessions by releasing him from his bound position on the couch ( after about 30 minutes - I feel it's necessary for him to reflect on his punishment in this very submissive and humiliating tied position). Once he is untied, I pull my pants and panties off and sit on a comfortable chair in the living room near the punishment couch with my legs spread. He is required to pay homage with his tongue while on his knees until I instruct him to stop. This I feel serves several purposes. It ends what was a session in pain with a session of pleasure for us both. It also brings the session back to a position of his showing his continued love and devotion to me. He's basically telling me with his tongue that he has accepted his punishment, and is grateful to me for giving it, and that right now all is well and balance has been restored in our marriage once again. I am also finding that I am getting to respond to his punishment sessions with an increasing amount of wetness between my legs. I take this as a sign that I am getting increasingly comfortable with the entire process, which also makes it somewhat easier to repeat when the situation warrants it.
Angelina
I forgot to add in my previous comment that my objective when strapping my husband is not to wail away on him and to imediately bring him to the point of tears. I have found that its better for my husband and the results of the session to bring the pot slowly to a boil so to speak. This allows the intensity to slowly build both mentally and physically for him. Then once the tears have begun to flow nicely its also important to sustain that point of intensity for a period of time so that the correction takes appropiately for that particular round. The tears are important as he is very embarressed to cry in front of me and feels like a small child and "girly" when he does so. I think this emotional response from him is what makes each session particularily effective. Its like Ive peeled away the layers of his alpha masculinity away from him and reduced him to that base layer where his submission lives. This is where I am able to really talk to him and to cement the foundations of our relationship further.
ReplyDeleteThank you Mistress Kaylee for your wisdom. Over the years, my Mistress and i have found your advice most helpful.
ReplyDeletejj
Thank you. I appreciate you sharing that and am glad I have been able to help.
DeleteThank you mistress k for your advice. I am a subnmisive male Who strives to be the best servent. A mistress can have. No talking back. No frowns on my face just yes mistress how can i serve you I know us submissive male can be selfish at times. But i try to server all the time. I love sports like most man do but i am a. Servent now so i am not allowed to watch tv.have any time for my self i am just to service my mistress 24.7.and i am punshied for ant mistake my mistress is very strict When i server her dinner. Every thing must be perfect or i am punished And its for my owen good and i. Am greatful my mistress holds me high standards. To massageing her feet. To cleaning the house. I must try my best with smile. And your right submissive men love bringing controlled
ReplyDeleteThat sounds pretty intense. How long have things been that way and are you happy with the arrangement? It would not work for me as I do want to micromanage my husband. I also think it is important that he has time for himself. I don't think it is healthy to have too tight of control over someone and I would not recommend a relationship like that so I am curious of how you feel about it.
DeleteThank you Mz. Kaylee, this is a great post that I plan to have my wife read. The punishments that we do in our FLR are sporadic.
ReplyDeleteI have to admit that while I am definately controlling and dominant I was not initially comfortable with more severe physical punishment. That changed recently and I sort of "lost it" a bit. To my surprise this brought my husband very close to me. He has been much, much, better and much much more focused on me. He likes this feeling even though he paid to get there. It is interesting to me how the emotional part of this works for a submissive husband.
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