Decision Making in a FLR

Someone had suggested that I write about how decisions are made in my relationship.  I thought that was a great suggestion and a good topic to write about since decision making in a Female Led Relationship (FLR) is much different than in a traditional relationship. I firmly believe that the differences are one of the key benefits of a FLR and are what sets a FLR apart from a traditional relationship. The decision making process in a FLR is also something that is easily misunderstood or not as easy to figure out, especially to those just starting a FLR.  Many guys who are discovering their submissive side and trying to get into a FLR, often expect that the female should make all the decisions.  This is a good fantasy and fun to role play but it is not practical in real life.  If I had to make all the decisions in my marriage, then it would create a lot of work and stress for me. A submissive husband is supposed to make the wife's life easier, not harder.  If I have to make all the decisions, then what is the point of me being married to Thomas?  Contrary to the fantasy world, in real life most women in a FLR want a man that can think for himself, not someone they have to babysit and correct all of the time.

For a woman starting out in a FLR it can feel awkward or uncomfortable for her to make a decision on behalf of her partner or awkward to tell him that her decision is final and there is no more discussion. It can also be challenging for her to strike the right balance between taking control and delegating or allowing decisions to be made by her submissive partner. The right balance is different for each couple and may also change over time. To provide guidance on this, below I have provided thoughts on the decision making process in a FLR and I  explain how it works in my marriage.

Typically in a relationship, there are responsibilities that naturally fall under each person's control.  There is no one right formula for this.  It depends on many variables such as each person's likes, strengths, weaknesses, and knowledge.  The dynamic of the relationship and how well each person knows or trusts each other are also a factors.  This same logic applies to a FLR.

For example, in my marriage Thomas handles all the yardwork and house maintenance.  I do the cooking and handle most of the family related things such as clothes shopping for the kids and coordinating school and community activities.  There are many decisions that each of us make on a daily basis in our respective areas of responsibility.  If a door knob breaks I do not expect Thomas to ask for permission to replace it.  I trust that he will buy an appropriate door knob and repair it the right way.  He decides when to put new mulch down, when to trim the bushes, and may even decide to plant flowers.  This is very similar to a traditional relationship.  However, beneath it all, there is a big difference.  The difference is that I have the final say in all decisions. While he may not need my approval for these 'routine' decisions, if he makes a decision that I don't like, I can veto it and have him undo it.  If I am not happy with the way he is taking care of the yard or house, I will step in and give direction and he will obey. There may even be not so good consequences for him if I feel he is being lazy or does something that I feel is inappropriate.

On the flip-side, he is free to provide input into to some of the things I do. For example, as you know from my previous posts, I make the grocery list.  When I make the list, I usually ask if there is anything from the grocery store that he wants.  Now you may remember that Thomas was punished for buying things that were not on the list when he went grocery shopping for me. There reason for the punishment was that he made impulse buys and he did not follow directions.   When the list was made he was allowed to add things (with my permission) but, when he was shopping, his instructions were to buy the items on the list.  He did not follow those instructions and so he was punished.  I am open to his suggestions and opinions, but I make the ultimate decision.

When it comes to bigger decisions, such as family vacations or house renovations, we discuss them together.  Does it surprise any of you that we discuss these things? I hope not. Remember, we are talking about Female led not Female dictatorship.  Part of the benefit of being married is having someone to consult with when making big decisions.  If we are re-doing a room in the house, I enjoy spending time with Thomas figuring out what color to paint it and picking out new furniture.  The difference again is that I have the final say on things.  In most cases we come to a decision together, but if we ever end up with differing opinions, I get the final say and he accepts it.  He has heard the words, "too bad. It's what I want and that's what matters," quite a few times.  He willingly accepts my decision.  On the other hand, if I don't have a strong opinion, I have been known to go with his choice because I know it makes him happy.  That's love and it is important that love is the foundation of your relationship.

There are certain decisions that I do own and his input matters very little.  The first is chores and house rules.  I decide what chores he will do and how they are to be done.  He does the bulk of the chores in our house and he does them to my expectations.  I decide the rules of the house, which are things like how he serves me, whether or not he can go out with friends, what behaviors are acceptable and not acceptable, etc.  If rules are disobeyed or chores are neglected, he is punished.  The second area of decision making that I have complete control over is sex/bedroom activity. I control his orgasms and decide when and how he can have them. I control when we have sex, foreplay, fun time, etc.  If I am in the mood for foreplay or sex, then we have it.  If I want an orgasm, I get an orgasm. If he is in the mood for sexual activity, he can try to initiate it, but I will determine whether or not it will happen and if it does happen it is on my terms.  That is just the way it is in my relationship and this approach is common in most FLRs. It is one of the perks for the woman. Call it our reward for taking on the leadership role. 

While it is a perk for women, I find that it is also what submissive men want.  They desire a woman to have this control over them.  They enjoy being held accountable for their responsibilities.  There are nights where Thomas is busy doing chores from the time he comes home from work, until the time he goes to bed.  Some nights he is hustling to get them done so he can get to bed at a decent hour.  He has told me that he enjoys this as he feels like he is truly serving me almost like a slave and he enjoys that. He also indicated that he enjoys doing these things for me so that I feel like a Goddess or Princess. It gives him a sense of fulfillment. I can't argue with that.

Another difference in a FLR compared to a traditional relationship is how we discuss things when making a decision.  Usually he is naked and kneeling before me.  Most of the time this occurs at night before bed. This just happens to be the time when we are together the most and part of our nightly routine is having him kneel before me.  However, there are also times where I want to discuss something with him and I will call him up to the room and have him kneel naked before me for the discussion.  I find that this position sets the tone of my authority over him and reduces the potential for an argumentative situation.  It also ensures his attention is focused 100% on the discussion.  His opinions are heard and taken into consideration but I am the ultimate decision maker.  I highly recommend incorporating the kneeling position into your normal routine for the reasons stated above.  Additionally, most submissive guys actually prefer this position when talking to their wife.  Thomas has admitted that he enjoys kneeling for me when we discuss things.  It may seem awkward to you at first, but trust me, he will love it and it does not take long before it feels normal to you.

Some of our discussions around decisions may also occur as part of our discipline sessions, while he is across my lap.  This is another position I enjoy because it reinforces my authority over him and he is smart enough to not argue when he is vulnerable and I have a spanking instrument in my hand :).  I want to point out that these positions are not meant to intimidate him into a decision but rather to ensure there is proper attitude and respect during discussion so that there is not arguing.  This technique has been extremely effective in our marriage.

I've discussed what I feel are the key differences in decision making in a FLR compared to a relationship.  These include:

1. The female has the final say on all decisions
2. The male is often kneeling before the female during discussions related to decisions
3. The female decides on chores/house rules and sex/bedroom play.

Item 1is a must in a FLR relationship.  Item 2 is highly recommended by me.  If you do not do this now, give it a try. Try it out for a few weeks.  Ensure that you have him in this position at least 1 - 2 times a week. I am sure you will be pleased with the outcome.  Item 3, is very common in most FLRs and something that I highly recommend.  

I also indicated in my introduction, that I believe these changes set a FLR apart from a traditional relationship. I believe a FLR is so much better than a traditional relationship because of these differences. Item 1 is a quick way to bring an end to arguments. I am the final decision maker and Thomas agrees to this.  If we get into an argumentative situation I will play that card and he will yield to me or be punished. End of story.  He may not like the end result, but he accepts it and gets over it quickly. In a traditional marriage the argument can continue unresolved.  It becomes easy for each partner to go their separate ways and harbor negative feelings towards each other because there was no resolution.

Item 2, prevents or diffuses argumentative situations. The kneeling position establishes authority and respect and also ensures there is 100% focus on the discussion.  This leads to more productive discussions and eliminates arguments.  If Thomas and I are ever talking and it seems like he is getting into an argumentative situation, all I have to do is command him to kneel and suddenly his attitude changes to be more open and respectful.  This is an extremely effective technique and I strongly recommend that you incorporate it into your relationship..

Item 3, is jut part of a typical FLR.  When it comes to chores, there seems to be some men who enjoy taking on the chores to satisfy their wife and some men who want to avoid the chores.  This does not matter.  The female decides on the chores and he must accept it.  Typically the guys who do not want to take on the chores, are more interested in the sexual aspects of the FLR and this is often the case for people new to FLRs.  This is where an attitude adjustment is needed. If a guy wants to experience the pleasure of being dominated, he must also provide benefits to the female, which most often means doing chores for her.  Men who are experienced in FLR understand this concept and take great pleasure in serving their wife in this manner.