As noted in my last post, I would like to share some ideas and techniques for tapping into the male submissive mind. My hope is that both women who are starting out in a FLR and those who are well into a FLR find something useful in my writing and apply it in their relationship. When starting out in a FLR there are so many options to consider and it is often challenging for the woman to make sense of everything and figure out what to do. For women who start to figure it out and successfully move forward with a FLR, the challenge becomes keeping the FLR going strong and keeping him obedient and disciplined without having the work effort consume all your time. It seems that there is a ton of blogs and articles on how to get started in a FLR but I don't see much writing on the maintaining the FLR or advanced FLR techniques. I hope to fill that gap with my blog.
The starting point for this discussion was easy for me to figure out and probably no surprise to many of you. The best place I thought to start this discussion was with orgasm denial or what I think is more appropriately termed for a FLR, orgasm control and management. With orgasm control your are not just denying him orgasm; you are taking control of when and how he can orgasm. For simplicity sake, I will refer to it as Orgasm Control (OC) in my writing.
OC is the obvious staring point for discussion because most couples in a FLR incorporate some form of OC in their relationship and it becomes a core component of the relationship. If you are familiar with OC, please bear with me while I bring others up to speed. OC is the concept of the wife taking control and ownership of the man's orgasm. She determines when and how he orgasms. He must have her permission to orgasm. This means no masturbating for him unless she allows it. Typically the husband is regularly denied orgasm and given permission to orgasm on an infrequent basis. The time frame between orgasms is up to her and varies greatly by couples. For some people it is days, for others it is weeks, and some even go months without orgasm. Usually what happens is in the beginning it is just days and then overtime as the couple experiments with it and the man builds up a tolerance, the time frame becomes longer. With my husband, Thomas, I like to vary the time frame to keep him guessing. He typically goes 6 - 8 weeks without an orgasm. Some times it will be shorter and sometimes I will make him go even longer.
Orgasm denial is one of those concepts that seem bizarre or just does not make sense on the surface. It is easy for a wife to feel confused if her husband proposes the idea. A woman may even feel there is something wrong with her if her husband does not want to have an orgasm. These are all natural feelings and that is why it is important for the husband to help his wife understand the reasoning for wanting to be denied.
If it is being approached from the opposite direction in which the wife is wanting to enforce OC on her husband, it is an equally sensitive topic. It usually requires the wife to take it slow and even seduce or slowly rationalize her husband into trying it. Once he begins to experience it, he often becomes hooked and even addicted to OC. There is a lot of information about this on the Internet so I will leave that up to you to research if you want to know more on how to introduce your husband to OC. What I would like to discuss is the dynamics behind OC and why it is a powerful tool in the FLR.
It is important to understand that OC is not just about denying him orgasms. If you took the extreme and just ignored your husband's sexual desires and did not allow him to orgasm, it accomplishes nothing. In fact it would probably create resentment with him. It would be no different than a vanilla marriage in which there is no sex. We all know this scenario usually ends with an affair. This certainly is not the goal of OC. OC involves taking active control and ownership of his orgasms. You are still engaging in sexual play with him, but he is not permitted orgasm without your permission. Thomas is never....let me repeat, never allowed to have an orgasm without my permission. He must always ask for permission before having an orgasm, even if we are in the heat of the moment. He has also been trained to not expect an orgasm. He will ask, but he knows the answer will most likely be no so he must always be planning to restrain himself from orgasm. If he has an accident, he will be held accountable and will be punished. If I find out he masturbated, you better believe he will be punished and it will be a very unpleasant punishment. He understands these consequences.
There are two key benefits to OC. The first is maintaining his sexual energy and interest in you. It is well known that the minute a man has an orgasm, his sexual energy diminishes significantly, he becomes tired, and he loses interest in the woman. The loss of interest and sexual energy can even last for days. By limiting his orgasms, a woman can keep his sexual energy high on a regular basis. If he is denied orgasm during sexual play, she can assure that her needs are completely attended to and even expect continued attention and pampering afterward. It truly is wonderful.
The second major benefit is that it establishes the wife's authority over him and puts her at the center of his focus. The woman becomes the gatekeeper for his orgasms. Men are highly sexual creatures and are constantly wanting to orgasm. The only way to get an orgasm now is through the wife. He knows that he must be on his best behavior and please her in order for her to ultimately give him permission to orgasm. This forces all his energies to be focused on her. Prior to OC he could turn to porn and masturbation for release but now he must focus on pleasing her to get release.
Remember in my last post when I noted that men thing about sext several times an hour? Well now when he thinks about sex, he is going to be thinking about how to please his wife in order to get release. One of the most fascinating confessions from Thomas was about how his sexual daydreams changed as a result of my control over him and his orgasms. Previously, when he daydreamed or thought about sext 2 - 3 times an hour, he would mostly fantasize about situations with other women (yes, men do this. Do not take is personally. It's just how their brains are wired). Once OC was in place his fantasies evolved around me and he began to day dream about different scenarios of me teasing him and different things I would "force" him to do in order to earn an orgasm. Wow! What a confession and what a significant change. He basically admitted that he was thinking about me all day. I became the center of his focus and these daydreams fueled his desire to be obedient to me even more. It was a confession I will never forget and one that helped build my confidence in being the dominant partner.
Establishing OC in a relationship is a HUGE step for the woman in creating real power and authority over her husband. At first it may seem like fantasy but over time the dynamic establishes real power and authority. Once you've established OC, you have tremendous leverage and power over him that can be used to influence and motivate him.The first week Thomas and I experimented with OC, we were like horny little teenagers. I think I teased and denied him every night, while making him give me orgasms. It was a ton of fun for both of us and it really drove him wild. Let's just say I really enjoyed this new power and he loved all the attention he was getting from me. I had no clue what I was getting into. At that time for me, it was just kinky fun and fantasy play. However, once we started with OC, we always kept the rule in place that I was in charge of his orgasm. For Thomas this was a new reality and forced him to come to me when he was horny and I think I was surprised that he actually did it and stuck with it. In a matter of weeks, I began to realize I had a real authority over him and that it was more than just fantasy. Fast forward to today, and it is an integral and natural part of our lifestyle.
While this may be a power move for the woman, when done right, it also becomes a fantasy come true for the man. Yes, believe it or not, most men love OC. It is a win-win scenario for the relationship. For many submissive men, just the idea or thought of you owning their orgasm is a thrill because they love the power dynamic and the feeling of being controlled and owned. To drive Thomas wild, all I have to do is spend a few minutes telling him how I own him, I own his orgasm, and I can decide whether or not he'll ever be allowed to orgasm again. I don't even have to touch him. This kind of talk will get him all horned up. He is so weak. lol. Now when you combine OC with sexual play and lost of teasing of his cock or even using it to exert control over your husband, that's what drive men wild.
I recommend teasing your man regularly and bringing him to the brink of orgasm often. I try to bring Thomas to an erection daily and bring him to the brink of orgasm a few times a week. Don't worry, it really is not hard work. When you are practicing OC, he is always horny and so getting him hard is as easy as walking up to him in the middle of the day and rubbing his crotch for a minute or two (or less!). The purpose of this is to ensure that his OC is pleasurable so that he stays interested in OC and also focused on you. He now knows that not only do you control his orgasms, but you also provide him with pleasure. You may even find that he tries to spend more time with you or near you in hopes of getting a little rub. I've notice this with Thomas. It really is cute and I love it. So now instead of turning to porn for pleasure, he is conditioned to come to you and try to please you in order to get pleasure.
Now here is the interesting things with men (most men). Their arousal just seems to build and build. With OC and continued teasing, they can be in a continuous state of arousal. This means high energy and more focus on you. Thomas always tells me that he is perpetually aroused and he loves it. I have read several accounts where men admitted that the longer they were denied, the weaker their will power became and the more they wanted to please their wife. Through continued denial and teasing it is as if their mind slowly turns to mush. Some men even admit that their thoughts become more perverted as their arousal builds over time. That's when you get the, "Ill do anything you want" response. Think of all the possibilities ladies???
I do notice with Thomas, that when he is highly aroused or has been denied for a long period of time, he becomes somewhat obsessed with submission and sexual thoughts. That's usually when I get notes from him confessing his desire to serve me and be obedient to me and even wanting to worship me. This is clear proof of how powerful OC can be. It drives a deep submissive state of mind for Thomas and a desire to obey me.
Now with some men, long-term denial causes stress and anxiety. It is important to monitor this and respond accordingly. If you notice this anxiety, then it probably is time to allow him to orgasm. Not all men react positively to OC and some men can not handle long-term denial. You need to adapt to your situation. When Thomas starts to get very annoying and needy, I know it is time to allow an orgasm.
One note of caution, is that even with OC, you should still allow for recovery time after an orgasm. In fact your man may crash even harder after an orgasm if he has been denied orgasm for a long period of time. This is just the natural biological response of the male body and you need to allow for it. When Thomas has an orgasm, there is usually a day or two afterward in which I keep a bit of a distance from him to allow him to recoup and reenergize. Of course, there is a solution for that to. Ruined orgasms are a great way to avoid the post-orgasm crash but that is a topic for another day.....
I will end with one final thought. The great thing about orgasm control for the man is that even though he is being denied orgasms, the sexual attention and activity from his wife is much higher than before OC. With OC, men experience the intense thrill of teasing and arousal and this becomes more exciting than the orgasm itself. I would say the man under OC has a much better sex life and is happier than the man who is not under OC.
-MzKaylee.
Sunday, June 26, 2016
Saturday, June 25, 2016
Tapping Into His Submission
The submissive mind is complex and not always easy to understand. Trying to make sense of submission can be challenging and even frustrating at times. If you have been lucky enough to have your husband confess his desire to be submissive, then I am sure you've experienced an emotional ride as you've tried to make sense of it all. It is a wonderful thing so I keep at it!
I believe that most men don't even understand the dynamics of their own submission. Countless submissive men are seeking to satisfy their submissive desires through online relationships or even visiting a dominatrix. It is no secret that a dominatrix clientele is mostly married men and I am sure there is no shortage of married men seeking out femdom online. Deep in my heart, I believe that many of these men love their wives and do not want to hurt them. So why are they doing this? In submissive men in particular, there is a strong nagging need to have their submissive desires met. When this desire it not met at home, they seek it somewhere else. To understand this concept even more, I recommend reading the Femdom101 blog by Kathy. She has first hand experience with this with her husband and has done a tremendous job at sharing her experience and thoughts on this. She has such an amazing and understanding view point.
The problem with these online or dominatrix relationships, is they are strictly kink based. It is not a true relationship. Love does not exist. It becomes kinky fun but when it is over, there is nothing. There is no fulfillment for the guy and so he keeps seeking more and more kink, only to experience short-term gratification. It is also very easy for a guy to be taken advantage of in these situations. How much money is he going to spend to chasing his desires?
One would think with such a strong desire, the husband would bring the topic up to his wife. That is a bit of a mystery to me. I suspect it has to do with embarrassment and fear of rejection. If the wife rejects the idea, then what happens? He is shit out of luck. Perhaps some of the male readers can share their thoughts on this. If you are a guy with these desires and have not told your wife, why have you not brought the topic up?
I certainly do not condone a married many seeking out these online relationship or visiting a dominatrix. It obviously is not fair to the wife. It takes away his focus on her. How much energy is he spending online which is energy that should be focused on her and his marriage? How much money is he spending on it, which is really money that should be used for more productive things? As he becomes more consumed with online relationships or porn, the chances are greater that communication and intimacy with his wife are breaking down.
If we as wives, understand the submissive dynamic, not only can we satisfy his desires, we can also direct his submissive desires toward more productive things. While the submissive dynamic is complex, it can be understood. Submissive desires vary for each man, but I believe there are many common underlying themes. There are many techniques, strategies, and tools that can be used to keep him satisfied and happy, as well as an obedient husband to you. It is important to employ these techniques regularly and not neglect his submissive desires. Often times, I think women in FLRs become complacent over time. Similar to a traditional marriage, a FLR can become too routine. As leaders of the relationship, we need to ensure this does not happen. We need to stoke the fire a bit every now and blow his mind, if you know what I mean. This keeps the marriage fun and interesting while also strengthening his obedience to you.
I first dabbled with the idea of FLR some 15 years ago with my husband. I did not know it at the time, but it was going to be a wonderful journey with a lot of twists and turns and ups and downs. Somewhere along that journey I became fascinated with the dynamics and psychological aspects of femdom and the submissive mind. That fascination made me want to learn and learn as much as possible and I had fun trying things out with Thomas. Lucky him! Through all this experience and learning, I've develop a pretty good understanding of the submissive mind and how men think and react to various types of control and kink. In my next few blogs, I will begin to share some of the things I have learned.
-Mz Kaylee
I believe that most men don't even understand the dynamics of their own submission. Countless submissive men are seeking to satisfy their submissive desires through online relationships or even visiting a dominatrix. It is no secret that a dominatrix clientele is mostly married men and I am sure there is no shortage of married men seeking out femdom online. Deep in my heart, I believe that many of these men love their wives and do not want to hurt them. So why are they doing this? In submissive men in particular, there is a strong nagging need to have their submissive desires met. When this desire it not met at home, they seek it somewhere else. To understand this concept even more, I recommend reading the Femdom101 blog by Kathy. She has first hand experience with this with her husband and has done a tremendous job at sharing her experience and thoughts on this. She has such an amazing and understanding view point.
The problem with these online or dominatrix relationships, is they are strictly kink based. It is not a true relationship. Love does not exist. It becomes kinky fun but when it is over, there is nothing. There is no fulfillment for the guy and so he keeps seeking more and more kink, only to experience short-term gratification. It is also very easy for a guy to be taken advantage of in these situations. How much money is he going to spend to chasing his desires?
One would think with such a strong desire, the husband would bring the topic up to his wife. That is a bit of a mystery to me. I suspect it has to do with embarrassment and fear of rejection. If the wife rejects the idea, then what happens? He is shit out of luck. Perhaps some of the male readers can share their thoughts on this. If you are a guy with these desires and have not told your wife, why have you not brought the topic up?
I certainly do not condone a married many seeking out these online relationship or visiting a dominatrix. It obviously is not fair to the wife. It takes away his focus on her. How much energy is he spending online which is energy that should be focused on her and his marriage? How much money is he spending on it, which is really money that should be used for more productive things? As he becomes more consumed with online relationships or porn, the chances are greater that communication and intimacy with his wife are breaking down.
If we as wives, understand the submissive dynamic, not only can we satisfy his desires, we can also direct his submissive desires toward more productive things. While the submissive dynamic is complex, it can be understood. Submissive desires vary for each man, but I believe there are many common underlying themes. There are many techniques, strategies, and tools that can be used to keep him satisfied and happy, as well as an obedient husband to you. It is important to employ these techniques regularly and not neglect his submissive desires. Often times, I think women in FLRs become complacent over time. Similar to a traditional marriage, a FLR can become too routine. As leaders of the relationship, we need to ensure this does not happen. We need to stoke the fire a bit every now and blow his mind, if you know what I mean. This keeps the marriage fun and interesting while also strengthening his obedience to you.
I first dabbled with the idea of FLR some 15 years ago with my husband. I did not know it at the time, but it was going to be a wonderful journey with a lot of twists and turns and ups and downs. Somewhere along that journey I became fascinated with the dynamics and psychological aspects of femdom and the submissive mind. That fascination made me want to learn and learn as much as possible and I had fun trying things out with Thomas. Lucky him! Through all this experience and learning, I've develop a pretty good understanding of the submissive mind and how men think and react to various types of control and kink. In my next few blogs, I will begin to share some of the things I have learned.
-Mz Kaylee
Friday, June 10, 2016
Discover Your Feminine Power
Feminine Power is often described as an energy within women which influences men. Probably what comes to mind for most people is the image of a beautiful woman walking into a room and all heads turn her way. You have no doubt seen a blooper video where a guy walks into a wall or rides his bike into a parked car because he is distracted by a woman in a bikini or short skirt. I a always get a a good laugh when I see this. It is funny but it is proof of the magnetism that women have to men. Just our bodies alone can disrupt a man's thoughts to the points that he loses his own awareness and common sense.
Men crave women. They crave to be with us, to impress us and to make us happy. There have been studies on how often a man thinks about sex. Did you know that men thing about sex on average 1 to 3 times an hour? That means if you have spent an hour with a man, there is a good chance, a sexual thought about women went through his mind while he was with you (maybe even a thought about you). I wonder what all those men are thinking during meetings at work :).
Thomas has pretty much validated this for me. In fact, with him sexual thoughts are more often since he is teased and denied regularly by me. If you are still in doubt, do a little experiment. Next time you are in a public place, stand back and quietly observe the men. When a girl walks by, you will almost always see their heads turn and follow. It does not matter whether he is married, single, young or old; they all react the same way. All the men reading this right now are nodding their heads in agreement, right? If I point out a pretty girl to Thomas or make a comment to Thomas about a girl in a skimpy outfit, 99% of the time, Thomas has already noticed the girl, even if she is on the opposite side of the room. It's pretty amazing actually. lol!
My point to all this is that men are wired to crave women and that gives women power. As a woman, you can get upset by this and be disgusted by a man's behavior or you can understand that it is part of how men are wired. With this understanding, you can be smart and leverage your feminine power to channel their cravings in a productive way. Think about a man's cravings as a flowing river with lots of energy. Left unchecked it does what it wants and can lead to erosion and destruction. However, if you put a damn in place, you can control the flow and energy and use it for productive purposes such as generating electricity. Ladies, we need to be the damn for our husbands and have their energy flow through us and direct it in a way that benefits the relationship.
I want to point out that feminine power is more than just sexiness or a physical body. It encompasses softness, nurturing, vulnerability and love. All of these attributes working together create an energy that has a profound influence on men. A women who needs help (vulnerability) can command the attention of men just as much as the woman who turns heads. Now think about when you were dating before you got married. Wasn't your man falling all over you and doing things to please and impress you? I bet when he first was attracted to you, he gave up valuable time with his guy friends just to be with you. Did you ever feel like you had him around your finger? That was your feminine power at work.
If you are married, then you already know that your feminine power has been effective on your husband. Otherwise, he would have never spent his hard earned money on a ring for you and asked for your hand in marriage. If you are married, it is safe to assume that your husband is attracted to you and sees great qualities in you. Therefore, you can be confident that your feminine power is strong with him. Most women do not realize how much power they have over their man. One reader commented to me that she was so angry at her husband over something that she ordered him to stand nose-to-wall quietly. She was not sure what made her do this and she was surprised that in that moment he obeyed without question. This was before she was even in a FLR! That is a fantastic example of feminine power at work. He was compelled to obey her because of her display of authority and because he wanted to please her and not make her any more angry.
A FLR is a great way to get in touch with your feminine power. As my FLR evolved through trial and error, and with regular talks with my husband, I discovered my inner feminine power. Ladies, let me tell you, if your husband is submissive, you most likely are underestimating the influence you have over him. He will do just about anything you want and love it when you turn on the feminine charm.
The FLR journey for me, has made me much more confident and sure of myself. With my husband I have complete influence over him and know what things make him weak, excited, mad, etc. Knowing which levers to pull or not pull obviously has great benefits. This discovery process has also benefited me outside of the marriage. I am also more confident at work and am very sure of myself in the company of other men and women. This has made me a more effective communicator in everyday life. I feel more empowered and respected.
Understanding and embracing your feminine power, not only builds confidence in you, but it also builds a respectful and positive character that is noticed by others. Below is a link to a beautifully written article on feminine power which I think is worth reading.
http://www.thefemininewoman.com/2010/03/the-power-of-femininity/
-Mz Kaylee
Men crave women. They crave to be with us, to impress us and to make us happy. There have been studies on how often a man thinks about sex. Did you know that men thing about sex on average 1 to 3 times an hour? That means if you have spent an hour with a man, there is a good chance, a sexual thought about women went through his mind while he was with you (maybe even a thought about you). I wonder what all those men are thinking during meetings at work :).
Thomas has pretty much validated this for me. In fact, with him sexual thoughts are more often since he is teased and denied regularly by me. If you are still in doubt, do a little experiment. Next time you are in a public place, stand back and quietly observe the men. When a girl walks by, you will almost always see their heads turn and follow. It does not matter whether he is married, single, young or old; they all react the same way. All the men reading this right now are nodding their heads in agreement, right? If I point out a pretty girl to Thomas or make a comment to Thomas about a girl in a skimpy outfit, 99% of the time, Thomas has already noticed the girl, even if she is on the opposite side of the room. It's pretty amazing actually. lol!
My point to all this is that men are wired to crave women and that gives women power. As a woman, you can get upset by this and be disgusted by a man's behavior or you can understand that it is part of how men are wired. With this understanding, you can be smart and leverage your feminine power to channel their cravings in a productive way. Think about a man's cravings as a flowing river with lots of energy. Left unchecked it does what it wants and can lead to erosion and destruction. However, if you put a damn in place, you can control the flow and energy and use it for productive purposes such as generating electricity. Ladies, we need to be the damn for our husbands and have their energy flow through us and direct it in a way that benefits the relationship.
I want to point out that feminine power is more than just sexiness or a physical body. It encompasses softness, nurturing, vulnerability and love. All of these attributes working together create an energy that has a profound influence on men. A women who needs help (vulnerability) can command the attention of men just as much as the woman who turns heads. Now think about when you were dating before you got married. Wasn't your man falling all over you and doing things to please and impress you? I bet when he first was attracted to you, he gave up valuable time with his guy friends just to be with you. Did you ever feel like you had him around your finger? That was your feminine power at work.
If you are married, then you already know that your feminine power has been effective on your husband. Otherwise, he would have never spent his hard earned money on a ring for you and asked for your hand in marriage. If you are married, it is safe to assume that your husband is attracted to you and sees great qualities in you. Therefore, you can be confident that your feminine power is strong with him. Most women do not realize how much power they have over their man. One reader commented to me that she was so angry at her husband over something that she ordered him to stand nose-to-wall quietly. She was not sure what made her do this and she was surprised that in that moment he obeyed without question. This was before she was even in a FLR! That is a fantastic example of feminine power at work. He was compelled to obey her because of her display of authority and because he wanted to please her and not make her any more angry.
A FLR is a great way to get in touch with your feminine power. As my FLR evolved through trial and error, and with regular talks with my husband, I discovered my inner feminine power. Ladies, let me tell you, if your husband is submissive, you most likely are underestimating the influence you have over him. He will do just about anything you want and love it when you turn on the feminine charm.
The FLR journey for me, has made me much more confident and sure of myself. With my husband I have complete influence over him and know what things make him weak, excited, mad, etc. Knowing which levers to pull or not pull obviously has great benefits. This discovery process has also benefited me outside of the marriage. I am also more confident at work and am very sure of myself in the company of other men and women. This has made me a more effective communicator in everyday life. I feel more empowered and respected.
Understanding and embracing your feminine power, not only builds confidence in you, but it also builds a respectful and positive character that is noticed by others. Below is a link to a beautifully written article on feminine power which I think is worth reading.
http://www.thefemininewoman.com/2010/03/the-power-of-femininity/
-Mz Kaylee
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