Something that has been fascinating to me is how the 'power' or control in my marriage has evolved over the years since we began our FLR. When a couple embarks on a FLR it is not as simple as flipping a switch and everything changes. It is a journey where both parties evolve and work at figuring out the right balance of power and control. There are varying degrees of power; the right balance is different for each couple and I have also discovered the right balance changes over time.
Thomas and I were married for many years prior to experimenting with FLR. In those years, our marriage was clearly a marriage of equals. Neither one of us was more dominant than the other in the marriage. Thomas was the one who brought the FLR concept to me. At first it was fun and fantasy play for me. Thomas probably took it more serious than me.
At that point in time, I did not feel any change in control in our marriage because it was just fantasy play to me. However, about a year or two later, there was a difference. The fantasy play evolved into something real. I had clear expectations for Thomas and there were consequences for him if he did not meet them or if he disobeyed me. One day, Thomas confessed to me that he felt my control over him was real and that he no longer felt we were in a marriage of equals. This confession was strange to hear but he was right. I had clearly taken the lead in the relationship and had power over him. It was not tremendous power, but it was power. I'd say it was about a 60/40 split.
If it was up to Thomas, the power would have been shifted much more in my favor but I just was not ready for that. However, over time I grew as the leader and became more confident in my dominance. My expectations for him became even greater and my influence over him grew. His desire to serve and please me grew. I became the final voice in decision making and there was a growing expectation that he ask me for permission to do things. The power shifted again...60/40, then 65/35, and even higher now. The numbers are somewhat arbitrary but the point is that my power over him has grown stronger over the years. Likewise his submissive desires are stronger and his desire to serve, obey, and please me are much greater than when we first started our FLR. It is a thrilling evolution that we both find exciting. In the early years there was a lot of learning, trial and error, and even conflict to achieve the power dynamic. However, at some point it turned into a natural evolution for us. Probably around the 65/35 mark, the power exchange just took on a life of its own and grew naturally. Perhaps it was because of my new confidence and comfort in the leadership position or maybe it was because Thomas became comfortable in his submission and became so in tune with me that he knew the right ways to serve and satisfy me and therefore his submission evolved even more.
There are many factors that created the power dynamic in our relationship. The most influential factor was me taking control of his orgasms. Men think about sex pretty much every day and so when you take control of their sex, you become their central focal point. When they know they have to satisfy you in order to earn an orgasm, you gain instant power over them. Another influential factor was punishment and discipline. When you punish a man, he learns that there are real consequences for his actions and disobedience. When he accepts the punishment, he is acknowledging your authority over him. This is incredibly powerful. The first time I punished Thomas I felt like it had a tremendous psychological effect on him. It really hit home to him hat he was beneath me in the hierarchy of authority and power. Regular discipline sessions also added to my authority. This was another one of those activities that at first seemed silly and more fantasy play to me. However, after a few sessions, they began to take on a more serious tone. I used these sessions to set expectations for Thomas for the week and to review his performance from the previous week. During the sessions he was always in a submissive position to me, either over my lap, kneeling, or bent over. My discipline sessions do not involve beating him. I use a riding crop but there is more talking and discussion than spanking. The spanking is just to reinforce my points and to emphasize my authority. The repetitiveness of doing this on a regular basis reinforced the submissive/dominant bond between us. The more I disciplined him the more obedient and submissive he became.
There are many other subtle and no so subtle actions that shifted the power in my favor over the years but I think orgasm control and punishment and discipline were the most influential. These are my observations now as I look back over our relationship and how it has evolved. I had no idea the effect of these things while I was doing them. It is fascinating at how it all flows so naturally for us now. My husband's natural reaction is to look to me for decisions and I don't think twice about ordering him to do things for me when I need something or correcting him if he is not meeting my expectations. I don't think either of us can even imagine being in 50/50 relationship.
Something I have learned is to not underestimate the mental/psychological aspects at play in a FLR. There are many small actions that influence and impact the mind including the words you use, visual cues, and physical actions.. The more you can understand these actions and their effect, the more effective you can be as the leader, not only in influencing your husband but also in creating a thrilling and fun experience for him.
