Something that has been fascinating to me is how the 'power' or control in my marriage has evolved over the years since we began our FLR. When a couple embarks on a FLR it is not as simple as flipping a switch and everything changes. It is a journey where both parties evolve and work at figuring out the right balance of power and control. There are varying degrees of power; the right balance is different for each couple and I have also discovered the right balance changes over time.
Thomas and I were married for many years prior to experimenting with FLR. In those years, our marriage was clearly a marriage of equals. Neither one of us was more dominant than the other in the marriage. Thomas was the one who brought the FLR concept to me. At first it was fun and fantasy play for me. Thomas probably took it more serious than me.
At that point in time, I did not feel any change in control in our marriage because it was just fantasy play to me. However, about a year or two later, there was a difference. The fantasy play evolved into something real. I had clear expectations for Thomas and there were consequences for him if he did not meet them or if he disobeyed me. One day, Thomas confessed to me that he felt my control over him was real and that he no longer felt we were in a marriage of equals. This confession was strange to hear but he was right. I had clearly taken the lead in the relationship and had power over him. It was not tremendous power, but it was power. I'd say it was about a 60/40 split.
If it was up to Thomas, the power would have been shifted much more in my favor but I just was not ready for that. However, over time I grew as the leader and became more confident in my dominance. My expectations for him became even greater and my influence over him grew. His desire to serve and please me grew. I became the final voice in decision making and there was a growing expectation that he ask me for permission to do things. The power shifted again...60/40, then 65/35, and even higher now. The numbers are somewhat arbitrary but the point is that my power over him has grown stronger over the years. Likewise his submissive desires are stronger and his desire to serve, obey, and please me are much greater than when we first started our FLR. It is a thrilling evolution that we both find exciting. In the early years there was a lot of learning, trial and error, and even conflict to achieve the power dynamic. However, at some point it turned into a natural evolution for us. Probably around the 65/35 mark, the power exchange just took on a life of its own and grew naturally. Perhaps it was because of my new confidence and comfort in the leadership position or maybe it was because Thomas became comfortable in his submission and became so in tune with me that he knew the right ways to serve and satisfy me and therefore his submission evolved even more.
There are many factors that created the power dynamic in our relationship. The most influential factor was me taking control of his orgasms. Men think about sex pretty much every day and so when you take control of their sex, you become their central focal point. When they know they have to satisfy you in order to earn an orgasm, you gain instant power over them. Another influential factor was punishment and discipline. When you punish a man, he learns that there are real consequences for his actions and disobedience. When he accepts the punishment, he is acknowledging your authority over him. This is incredibly powerful. The first time I punished Thomas I felt like it had a tremendous psychological effect on him. It really hit home to him hat he was beneath me in the hierarchy of authority and power. Regular discipline sessions also added to my authority. This was another one of those activities that at first seemed silly and more fantasy play to me. However, after a few sessions, they began to take on a more serious tone. I used these sessions to set expectations for Thomas for the week and to review his performance from the previous week. During the sessions he was always in a submissive position to me, either over my lap, kneeling, or bent over. My discipline sessions do not involve beating him. I use a riding crop but there is more talking and discussion than spanking. The spanking is just to reinforce my points and to emphasize my authority. The repetitiveness of doing this on a regular basis reinforced the submissive/dominant bond between us. The more I disciplined him the more obedient and submissive he became.
There are many other subtle and no so subtle actions that shifted the power in my favor over the years but I think orgasm control and punishment and discipline were the most influential. These are my observations now as I look back over our relationship and how it has evolved. I had no idea the effect of these things while I was doing them. It is fascinating at how it all flows so naturally for us now. My husband's natural reaction is to look to me for decisions and I don't think twice about ordering him to do things for me when I need something or correcting him if he is not meeting my expectations. I don't think either of us can even imagine being in 50/50 relationship.
Something I have learned is to not underestimate the mental/psychological aspects at play in a FLR. There are many small actions that influence and impact the mind including the words you use, visual cues, and physical actions.. The more you can understand these actions and their effect, the more effective you can be as the leader, not only in influencing your husband but also in creating a thrilling and fun experience for him.
This is a very interesting post. We're finding the evolution goes slower than I might like but my wife is getting more comfortable in the dominant role. In retrospect the time it's taking is better for both of us, a feeling out process. Right now there is orgasm control but no discipline or punishment though I think it would be good and reinforcing. She did threaten punishment when I disagreed with her recently which I though was a big step forward. I'm wondering if I suggest this as a "play" activity to start what hopefully will develop into a routine. Is this how you and Thomas started? As always this was a thought provoking post especially the ratio concept. I will show this to her and write down a blind perception of our ratio and ask her to write hers and then compare. Should be inteeesting and provoke some discussion! marc s
ReplyDeletemarc - I would love to hear how you and your wife compared on the ratios. Please share with us the results. Discipline and punishment if often a difficult task for women who are new to FLR. Some women love it and get a rush from it but let's face it - for most of us, initially the idea of disciplining or punishing your spouse is a bit strange or awkward. However, once you get past that awkwardness you find that the combination of both are very effective and powerful tools for strengthening the relationship.
DeleteFor discipline, starting off with "play" sessions is a good idea. This will help get her comfortable with the idea. For punishment, I do not recommend this as a play activity. Punishments need to be taken seriously from the start. Keep in mind that a true punishment should only be issued when there is either purposeful disobedience or to correct a recurring problem.
I had to start myself off with a "play" approach but that did not last long. I was able to "convert" into a real thing approach fairly quickly once I got it.
DeleteDay-to-day, it's now at 95-5. Life decisions are still 50-50.
ReplyDelete"The first time I punished Thomas I felt like it had a tremendous psychological effect on him. "
If you don't mind my asking, what was the effect on you?
My guess is that the first time is a turning point for most couples. I felt near shame at it being necessary, and at the same time I was proud of her because I knew that what she had done took courage.
As unhappy as she was with me, the experience was deeply empowering for her. When I look back, she approached our WLM with a new forcefulness and determination. I love it.
GG
Thanks for sharing your ratios. If your life decisions are 50-50, what happens when you both disagree?
DeleteThe effect of punishing Thomas for the first time was similar to what you described with your wife. It was empowering. I was uncertain at how he would react. I was surprised that he did not object or challenge me. He accepted the punishment, acknowledged that he was wrong and apologized. I was also happy with the result in that once the punishment was over, all was forgiven and we went back to normal.
There are certain things -- not many -- where the decision has to be unanimous or we walk away from it. Generally, we see eye-to-eye on such things anyway, so the issue rarely comes up.
DeleteDay-to-day, though, there's no doubt about who's in charge. The first time that she cut off a discussion led to more of that with greater confidence each time. Honestly, it's been liberating for me.
GG
It is nice that you see eye-to-eye on most things. That is a sign that you are a compatible couple and of a healthy relationship.
DeleteIntriguing post. May I ask the age range of the two of you? I think we're more at the fun stage for my wife. Though at times she does put her foot down.
ReplyDeleteWe are in our 40's. Late 20's is when it was just fantasy fun for us. In our early 30's is when we declared an official FLR between us.
DeleteHi,
ReplyDeleteIt's sure nice to see you post after such a long time! We missed your excellent blog.
I wanted to say that it's awesome how your relationship has evolved - it seems like a very happy and healthy Femdom relationship as it should be. I love how neither of you can even imagine being in a 50/50 relationship. Isn't it amazing when you can just acknowledge Femdom without it being some sort of "elephant in the room" or "wrong" because it's not a "50/50" as society would like? Isn't it amazing when the Woman is the dominant partner and everyone is happy with that? I think today's society is very repressed because there are natural roles, and certainly those roles aren't a frustrating 50/50, at least not for most people. I am sure Women are awesome and natural leaders, and instead of fighting their own dominance or their partners fighting their own submission it's fabulous to just let Nature do her thing and for the Female to be the dominant partner.
I wanted to ask you about corporal punishment. What is your take on it? I think sometimes it's necessary even when it isn't "necessary" - meaning that I think that sometimes for a Femdom relationship to flourish, some sort of corporal is needed even when there is apparently good behavior (trust me, the behavior of a submissive can always improve!) I think each Woman can decide how to rule Her own marriage, home and life, but I think most Women who are wise and experienced in domination will agree that corporal punishment is a must and most will also enjoy it a lot! What do you think about that?
In regards to corporal punishment, I think it all depends on the couple and it's also important to acknowledge there are different degrees of corporal punishment. I personally do not believe in severe corporal punishment. Inflicting severe pain on someone can have tremendous negative emotional impact on a person. Having said that, I think mild to moderate corporate punishment is a very effective method in a FLR. However, there are also many non-physical methods for punishing a person that are very effective. To answer your question, I do not believe corporate punishment is required in every relationship but I do recommend it in some form.
DeleteWhat would you say is the most severe physical punishment you inflict on Thomas?
ReplyDeletePlease see my response above
DeleteThanks Mz Kaylee for sharing your experience. As the couple evolves further into FLR where the Dom gains an upper hand in power dynamics and decision making, how to reconcile differences where the sub has a strong opinion or value/belief? for example, how to raise the kids, or how to spend money, etc. thanks
ReplyDeleteThese are challenging areas for any relationship. The short answer is that the sub should give his opinion but defer to the wife for the final decision. Otherwise is the sub truly being submissive? If there is a moral concern, then that is a serious problem and perhaps the couple needs to seek advice from a professional to get resolution. If it is just a strong opinion, then I stick with my first point. Something the sub can do is give in and see how things pan out. If it's working, than he knows he did the right thing. If it is not working, then he can politely revisit the topic with his wife and come up with a resolution.
DeleteMz Kaylee,
ReplyDeleteI LOVE the idea of this post because it shows a very realistic view of a real, every day Femdom relationship. It's not just a game, it's for real and it's full of love, intimacy and Female Domination. I love it.
Thank you for writing what you did. I felt like you were writing my wife as you shared your story. We also started out like you and Thomas - in an equal relationship but unlike you moved quite quickly into a FLR dynamic. I brought it up to Katie and she grabbed a hold of it pretty tightly in some respects - but felt quite uncomfortable in other aspects.
ReplyDeleteWhat I took out of this was the communication aspect you referred to - that your correction is more about explaining what you like/didn't like and how you want things to change rather than on the pain aspect of actually hitting him. Relationships thrive on communication in all it's forms and without it it is destined to failure.
Love you for all you have done for the FLR/WLM community via your writings. You are another wise voice in the blogging world. Keep up the great posts.
Thanks for the kind words. You are right that communication is key but it is often easier said than done. It is something that we all have to work on continually. I am glad things are back on track with you and your wife.
DeleteI really like this post. Having been on your husband's end I can definitely attest to what you're saying is true. Being controlled sexually, being punished and disciplined has historically gotten me in the correct sub head space. As a sub (and I think I speak for most subs here), what I desire the most is to feel the Domme's power. I desire to feel the Domme's power through her actions and I need to feel it consistently. In my past relationships, the biggest disappointment for me was when I was the only one actually participating in the D/s relationship. I would give up control, but my partner wouldn't be consistent in her accepting the power. As a sub it is deflating when the Domme is hit or miss in taking the lead and I experienced "sub drop" entirely too often because of my partners' lack of consistently taking control. And that caused me anxiety which led to me acting out.
ReplyDeletePerhaps this would be a good topic for a post one day. Dommes and subs need to understand that the D/s dynamic is a power exchange. The sub gives up the control and the Domme takes it. Subs feel "cared for" when they consistently feel the power and authority that they have voluntarily given up wielded over them...being controlled is a "love language" for a sub and the Domme expresses that love through her consistent actions.
-jess
Thank you for sharing these very personal thoughts. The need for consistency seems to be a frequent discussion point for subs and my sense is that many women new to the lifestyle do not understand this or perhaps are challenged in being able to be consistent. I know at times I am not always consistent with my authority over my husband and I do notice it affects his behavior or attitude. I agree that this would be a good topic to write about it. I will add it to my list. Thank you.
DeleteMz Kaylee,
ReplyDeleteI was wondering if you plan on posting anything on this blog anymore. I see you've been absent for a long while but a little bit active here. I was just asking because I really feel it has a huge potential as a fabulous blog about the FLR lifestyle.
I wanted to ask you what you think about using gadgets (an extreme example might be those made by DreamLover Labs) to enhance Female Domination. Do you believe in their power to help change the mind?
Yes - I do intend to post more. I have been dealing with several personal issues lately which have taken time away from writing for my blog. I hope to get back to more frequent posting eventually. Please be patient.
DeleteI think the use of gadgets to enhance Female Domination is fine and can be very fun while also effective in changing the behavior and mindset of the submissive. These gadgets are just one tool of many that can be used to enhance the experience. As with anything else, the use of such gadgets should be consensual and done in a safe way.
My apologies Mz Kaylee for not responding sooner to your comments on my earlier post. I got the worst flu and really sick for 10 days such that our dynamic was thrown off a bit as I was not able to do much of anything. But now it's back to bringing her coffee in bed and pledging my love and obedience on bedded knee. As for the power dynamic I had written 60/40 but she had felt her power was at 55/45. Disappointing to be sure. It just makes more determined than ever to be more deferential and treat her the Goddess she truly is. She's not ready to try discipline/punishment but I'm thinking of bringing it up as a little game we could try. I think this could really enhance her feelings of dominance and control as well as help me get further into submission. In closing I must add that we are closer and more in love than ever since starting our FLR. Thanks again for this wonderful blog. marc s
ReplyDeleteMz Kaylee, Thank you for sharing the evolution of your FLR. I have dreamed of finding a woman to share this lifestyle with most of my life but somehow It just never worked out. However, I met a lovely woman about three years ago on line at E-Harmony . Even though I was very careful filling out my profile to highlight my submissive desires ( the questions are endless and certainly address the submissive or dominate characteristics of each person) the lady I met was very traditional and did not appear to have any desire to lead. I suppose many men might have moved on but she was independent, self assured,excective level in her career and very beautiful.
ReplyDeleteMoving forward three years, we are now engaged have shared a condo for the past two years and very much in love. I told her even from the first date that I was searching for a woman that I could treat like a queen and put on a pedistal . I am sure she had no idea how serious my desires were but there was a second date. As the months passed we grew closer . I treated her like a Queen in every way and actually opened up about my desires to to be in a FLR. She did not reject the idea but was far from embracing it and still struggles with the guilt . We are both approching 60 and this lifestyle is far from the way she envisioned marriage. She often describes her previous marriage as one sided and is still bitter because she was expected to do all cooking ,cleaning and housework while maintaining a careeer. i would love to take on the responsibilities of the house completely but we are stalled in a 50/50 relationship. I think women like her find it very difficult to understand how a man could want a life like this especially if they were trapped in a traditional relationship and expected to live as a servent to their husband.
Either way, we love each other completely and there is progress. I would love to live in a 90/10 relationship and spend the rest of my life serving her ever need. We are taking very small steps and I hope she will continue to gain confidence and overcome the guilt that women often feel in the transition. I know you have discussed this in previous post but I would love to hear your comments(as well as the other women) on this subject.