I believe that it is very important and beneficial for couples to spend quality alone time together. By this I mean time doing activities and talking with each other without kids, family, or friends present. The concept sounds simple, but many couples fail to do this. I am sure you know some people who never even transition into the married life after the say "I Do." These are the ones that continue to maintain active social lives and hobbies separate from their spouse and put a higher value on those activities then spending time with their spouse. Those relationships are destined for failure unless something changes.
Even those who start with great intentions and a love for doing things together can fall into the traps of being consumed by their job, consumed with raising kids, or consumed with a passionate hobby. Those are all very important aspects of life, but if you focus too much on one aspect or you neglect an important aspect of your life, then your life becomes out of balance. Sadly, often times a long-term consequence of this imbalance, is that a couple that was once in love, finds themselves drifting apart from each other and potentially on the verge of divorce years later.
Life gets busy. That is inevitable. That is why it is important to plan time together so that you can stay connected and experience life together or re-connect as a couple and fall in love with each other all over again. A great benefit of the Wife Led Marriage (WLM) lifestyle, is that it creates many opportunities for alone time. My husband and I have many intimate times together on a weekly basis such as when he massages me or gives me a bath, when I do weekly reviews of his performance, or when he pleasures me. These are special times that we connect on a very intimate level and bond with each other. Prior to our WLM, we spent much less time on these types of activities. I've really enjoyed how the WLM has created these special moments for us and I feel strongly that it has brought us closer together and strengthened our marriage.
In addition to those moments, we also plan several getaways with each other each year. This is something that we did both pre and post WLM. When the kids were younger we would get a baby sitter for the weekend. These are typically overnight trips or long weekend trips. The types of getaways have ranged from a night at a nearby bed and breakfast to a weekend cruise. Most times we stayed within a few hours drive from home and explored the local town or went to a festival. No friends and no family- just us two. We also made it a point to be inward focused with each other during the getaway. In other words, we were not interested in socializing with others. We still engaged with people we encountered, but we kept it to a minimum. Yes, this was anti-social, but the point of the getaway was to connect with each other.
On these trips, I pack our "toys" and some fetish gear and this always excites Thomas. Sometimes we use them and sometimes we don't. It all depended on my mood. I will confess that most times my inhibitions disappear and my inner dominatrix comes out on these trips. When I am away from home, it is easy to destress, forget about real life, and step into a fantasy world. On these getaways I am often pushing my sexual limits more than I am pushing his. It was on one of these trips that I first demanded that Thomas worship my ass with his tongue. That was so out of character for me at the time, but now it is something I do regularly. Thinking back over the years, I've realized that my comfort level and confidence in being dominant increased tremendously after these trips and so they have played an important part in shaping our WLM.
Although the getaways for us are sexually charged and concentrated on my authority and control over him, they are also an enjoyable time of hanging out together doing fun 'normal' activities. I find that on these trips we reconnect with each other on a deep intimate way, and we remember all the wonderful things about each other that made us fall in love so many years ago.
Whether you are in a traditional marriage or a WLM, I encourage you to do activities together and plan regular alone time together, including overnight getaways. It is so important to carve out time for each other no matter how busy life becomes.
-Mz Kaylee
Very true!
ReplyDeleteHaving that connection drives that intimacy. The small adjustments day to day makes a huge difference keeping the fire alive and momentum going.
I think it's important too that the intimate time to refresh may not even be sexual but allows to see how each person is valued.
Great read.
Thanks for writing again.
ReplyDeleteI love reading you
"Alone Time" is happiness time, couples should spend as much alone time as possible life is too short, what are your thoughts on people who choose to live "childfree" and be happy with each other ?
ReplyDeleteThanks for the comments guys. Raiden- I have no issues with that choice. Everyone has a right to make the choice. I have two kids and could not imagine life without them.
ReplyDeleteFLR is part of happy life while having children is another part of happy life. They can be co-exist.
DeleteMoreover, I cannot guarantee I will live 100% happy to live “childfree”. Different stage of life have different choices.
People usually give me a hard time when i say that i am childfree by choice.
DeleteYou live happily is fine , I think what you feel is most important for yourself
DeleteLike many couples, we enjoyed a period of time at the beginning of our marriage where we could focus almost exclusively on one another, and had lots of opportunities to create a good foundation. Of all the things that we experimented with back then, it seems notable that FLR practices ended up being some of the best suited forms of sexual expression to our current life with children. Once you've infused ordinary married life (household chores, requests for help, sacrifices for one another) with a sexual subtext, children become much less threatening. There's a hidden undercurrent of erotic excitement in daily life that can't easily be swept away by the more mundane aspects of parenthood. If a husband is trained to think that folding laundry is sexy then... well, he's going to be in luck with a household full of children, that's for sure!
ReplyDeleteE Holly - great insight. We started our FLR before kids and yes, it worked well with kids. My kids grew up seeing Dad do the laundry, clean the bathrooms, iron clothes, etc. They saw him take orders from me as well as go out of his way to make me happy. All this is perfectly normal to them because it has always been a part of their life. Just recently we became empty nesters. It will be interesting to see how these things influence their relationships as they get older.
ReplyDeleteI agree that infusing everyday responsibilities with a sexual and service-minded subtext can make those tasks more meaningful and enjoyable. That can help maintain an enjoyable and fulfilling WLM dynamic while children are present. But I also agree that it is valuable, important to plan time away from everyday routines and responsibilities to focus attention on the marriage relationship. I think those focused times are important for marriages regardless of what kind of marriage dynamic is being practiced. It is too easy to let everyday responsibilities take our attention away from the kinds of interactions that help maintain a close, intimate, and fulfilling marriage relationship.
ReplyDeleteMz Kaylee, very timely post. My wife and I read it together during our review night last Monday. We were camping, rather "glamping out", at a site near Yosemite National Park. We were so ready to get away and ignore the world's problems for a week.
ReplyDeleteConcentrating on our relationship, we did not discard our very important wife led marriage rituals and routines. Hence, we continued with review night, saying of affirmations, maintenance etc. My wife commented how your post was so spot on to our life at the time.
Another quick note, we had dinner with our son, daughter in law and grandsons this weekend. Our daughter in law thanked us for raising a son who is so helpful around the house. She had to work some of the weekend and he took care of their kids, did the laundry, cooked, and cleaned house so she could relax when she got home. This after he had a 60 hour work week himself. She went on to say that she thought not many men would do that for their wives. My wife beamed.
Thanks again for your post, we love your perspective. Calibob
That sounds like a fabulous time Calibob. Thank you for sharing. Wonderful feedback about your son. I hope your daughter in-law realizes how lucky she is to have a great guy like that.
DeleteYou touched on this but "alone time" for us also coincides with some kind of "service" on my part, anything from a foot rub to a pedicure while talking, to me doing the dishes while discussing our day, to most recently when I prepared a bath for her and she soaked while I cleaned the entire bathroom! I think in her mind this allows us to connect while still reinforcing my status.
ReplyDeleteAbsolutely! Great examples Tim. It's super special doing those types of things together.
ReplyDeleteMz Kaylee: one thing I wonder about is how much "alone" time other husbands get, meaning how much time completely to themselves? Many nights before bed my wife will read for an hour or so and I'm expected to adjust my pillow to the foot of her bed and basically tend to her feet while she does. I mentioned to her that it'd also be nice to read with her as I haven't had time for a book of my own for quite awhile (that's what taking on ALL the chores will do) -- but she just smiled and said she liked this better. TV is similar. If she wants to watch something, I can watch too provided I rub her feet. But otherwise if she ever sees me watching something she quickly finds something else for me to do.
DeleteTime for yourself is important too. Most nights before I go to bed, Thomas is off doing his nightly tasks while I relax in the bedroom and read. I enjoy this time to myself. Thomas also has many times throughout the week in which he is alone and doing his own things.
ReplyDeleteMz Kaylee
ReplyDeleteMy wife and I are empty nesters also at this point and our alone time has centered around taking long walks together. We are both still working and during our walks, I love it when I can listen to what issues my wife is facing at work. She has a job with more interpersonal relationships than I have at mine, so there are many things to discuss (as opposed to my job, which is less personal and more self directed). I actually love it when our discussions focus on her issues, and I really love being able to give her feedback and try to help her negotiate the challenges she has at work. She can handle herself very well and could get by on her own if she had to, but she's told me that I do help her with her work issues (we rarely discuss mine-which is OK by me). I'm also often able to accompany her to work and help her on the job! I love it when people notice that I'm basically her assistant, helping her with anything that comes up. One of my favorite moments was when one of our friends told my Wife (referring to me) that "he really follows you around, doesn't he." I loved it when she mentioned that. I get a thrill just remembering it! But I love our walks when we are alone and can focus on her. It really brings us closer together. Thanks so much for your blog, Mz Kaylee-it's great!