FLR: Fantasy vs. Reality

Is a Female Led Relationship fantasy or reality?  When I first started reading about FLRs and things like orgasm control and punishments, I could not believe that couples actually did those activities as a real part of their life. To me it seemed like fantasy play or that people were exaggerating. It took quite a while before I realized and believed that is was an actual lifestyle that people lived.  Even when I first experimented with orgasm control and female authority with my husband, it was all fantasy for me.  It was a lot of fun but taking it seriously was hard to do or I guess awkward for me. However, the more we played the fantasy the more comfortable I became with controlling him and my expectations for him began to change.  I remember one day coming to the realization that our sex and foreplay had changed dramatically.  I was always taking the lead and our foreplay was much longer and intense.  I would do a lot of teasing of him but then the focus would turn to him pleasuring me. I was always in control of how he pleasured me.  In the beginning we would plan for a fantasy night but just a few months in it evolved to the point where we were naturally falling into the dominant/submissive roles during our intimate moments.

I enjoyed how our sex life had morphed and did not have an interest in going back to the old ways.  That's when it hit me that the fantasy of FLR was not so much fantasy any more.  Of course there is so much more to a FLR than taking control in the bedroom (which I was naive to at the time) but that was one of the defining moments that started me on the path toward a FLR.

FLR is very real. I can attest to that.  I take the lead in our marriage and Thomas willingly submits to me and obeys me. My authority over Thomas is real and if he does not obey or does not meet my expectations, there are consequences for him.  Just read my past posts on this blog and you can see how real it is. It did not happen overnight, but overtime our lifestyle morphed into a FLR.

However, even after all the years of incorporating the FLR lifestyle into my marriage, there is still a lot of fantasy involved. In my opinion, incorporating fantasy play into your relationship keeps spice in the relationship, brings you closer together, helps to reinforce your control over him, and solidifies his own submissiveness.  In our marriage the lines are blurred between fantasy and reality which makes for a lot of fun.  One the best compliments I received from my husband was that he felt as if he was living in a fantasy every day and he loved every moment of it. That was very reassuring to me that I was doing the right things in how I run our FLR.

It is very important to understand that for a FLR to be successful, the Female needs to indulge in the desires and needs of her husband. I cringe when I read advice which indicates that the man's needs or desire do not matter or that the man should be 100% focused on the woman and not care about himself.  This type of thinking makes for great femdom fantasy. In fact, I have used those words with my husband and it drives him wild. However, it just fantasy play.  You can not have a long-term sustainable relationship without taking into consideration his needs and desires. If you ignore this, at some point he will crash and burn and you may find your relationship suddenly in shambles.

If you love your husband, than you most certainly want to make sure his basic needs are met.  I advise to go even a step further and pay attention to his desires. By indulging in his desires, you create loyalty with him and he will be motivated to serve and obey you even more.  There are nights where I slip into a black latex dress and do the whole dominatrix thing with him.  Some nights I will tease his cock over and over again, making him beg for release and then just go to bed. He loves this undivided attention from me.  Denying his orgasm after all the teasing is torturous for him, but he also loves the torture and experiencing my absolute control over him where he wants something so bad but is not allowed to have it. Other times I will turn up my control over him during the week, being more strict with him, ordering him to do extra errands or chores for me, and making him wear items under his clothes such as a cock ring, butt plug, or panties.  These are all things that he loves because they surface deep submissive feelings in him, which gives him an erotic high.

Those things are more fantasy play  Although it is all fun for me, I am doing it more because I know he loves it.  Now let's be clear here, my purpose is not solely to please him.  After all, he is the one who has to please me, Th balance of power in the relationship is titled much more in my favor.  There is an ulterior motive to what I am doing.  If you play into your husband/partner's fantasies and desires, you are making him want you even more.  Anytime I have a session focused on his desires or fantasies, he is always extra thankful afterward and his attention on pleasing and serving me becomes much more focused afterward.  That is the result I am hoping to achieve by catering to his fantasies every now and then.

What I have discovered with guys is that when they have a mind blowing experience it sticks in their mind forever and they often relive it over and over again in their minds. This is the daydream.  What is great about the daydream is that each time they daydream about the experience, it excites and arouses them and they relive the emotions.  Think about that.  If you provide a mind blowing experience with your man, he is going to be thinking about it and you over and over again.  This builds loyalty and devotion to you.  How great is that?  Grown men can recall these type of memorable moments with girls from their teen years.  I was just trading e-mails about this with Jess B. who often posts comments on my blog. We were talking about things our men confessed to us on this topic. What was fascinating to us is that in many of these 'hot' memorable moments, the girl is completely unaware of the effect she had on him.  It could be something she said or joked about, a way she looked at him or simply an outfit she was wearing that gave him a naughty glimpse of her body.  How powerful is that when a man in his 30s, 40s, or 50s can remember the image and emotion of something that occurred when he was as young as 13 or 14? If only I knew that now....the possibilities!  Guys, help me validate this.  Tell me about some of these memorable moments with your wife as well as from your teen years.

My point to all this, is that playing into his desires is a powerful tool for keeping him loyal, dedicated, devoted, and obedient to you.  If you can give him moments that blow his mind and leave him breathless from the excitement, he will be excited to be with you and he is going to want and desire to obey you to keep you happy and hope for more mind blowing experiences.  Let me be clear that I am not saying you should go out of your way every day to do this. That is an extreme and would defeat the dominant dynamic of the FLR.  He should be spending much more time doing things to please you. You have to find the right balance that works for you. I'd say anywhere from once a month to once every two to three months is probably a good balance for most people to create the mind blowing fantasy experience.  You also have to make sure it is in your terms and when you want to do it. You are the one in control, not him and so it is ok to tell him 'no', 'maybe', or you'll have to wait when he is begging about a fantasy.  He should never expect to get what he wants. The fantasy moments are a privilege for him and not a right.

I also want to emphasize the importance of 'spice' in the relationship.  The FLR itself has added a tremendous amount of spice and excitement in my marriage.  It is one of the great things about a FLR.  However, overtime even a FLR can suffer from the hum-drum boredom factor that many couples face in a traditional relationship. Once a couple has routines and expectations established, it is easy for the wife to get caught-up in everyday life and not set aside time for the fun play. I often see this on forums that have a lot of people who are mature in their FLR relationship.  Whenever a new person posts something a bit kinky many of them will discount it or even rebuke the post. When I see these posts, it's almost predicable what the response will be from the long timers.  The long timers are just trying to help but I think people forget what it was like when they first started in a FLR. It really is a shame because the responses often intimidate the person posting.  I also see submissive men who post that they do not need the kink.  O.k.....they don't need it but I am sure if they had it, they would not be turning it away.  In fact, I am pretty sure they wold love it.  These men, unfortunately are just making the best of their situation.  It's like a caterpillar being happy with its life, not knowing that if they turn into a butterfly it will be so much more thrilling.  I'm rambling.  Hopefully I am making sense here to some of you,

Can getting up in everyday life is easy to do. It happens to me quite often. Let's face it - it is nice being served and pampered.  Everyday I have coffee made for me, my clothes are ironed, chores are done, and I get regular massages.  When I tell Thomas to do something, he immediately responds. It is a great lifestyle but I have to make sure I invest some time and energy into him to keep him motivated.  It's like a rechargeable battery.  Every so often the energy-level drops and you have to re-charge for a day and then it lasts for weeks or months, depending on how much energy you are consuming from it.  The more energy you consume, the more frequent you have to recharge.

To sum it all up, I believe the FLR is a mix of fantasy and reality.  By weaving fantasy into the everyday life, it adds spice and fun to the relationship, while also deepening his submissiveness and creating loyalty and devotion to you.  In the end it brings you closer together as couple.  I encourage you all to strive for a relationship where the lines of fantasy and reality blur together.  Life is too short to not have some fun.

-MzKaylee