There has been good discussion going on in the comments section of the cuckolding posts. It is great to see the topic debated and so many different view points. Thanks to those of you who are participating and I hope the discussion continues and we see similar participation on other topics. It is the discussions that validate the "realness" of the topic and that this is not just crazy fantasy. Often times there are meaningful learning points that come from the comments. The discussions also tend to lead to other interesting topics. My post below was inspired by such as comment. In the discussion of cuckolding, f-sub had raised the following question:
"In a WLM is the wife's power and authority limited in any way at all? Because if the answer is "no" then that is pretty much the definition of an abusive relationship"
In the content of the cuckolding discussion, the question refers to whether or not the wife can decide to date other guys regardless of what her husband wants. Below I will discuss this question in a terms of the Wife Led Marriage (WLM) as a whole and also address it specific to cuckolding. Thank you f-sub for raising this question. It is a complex dynamic and a dynamic worth diving into to better understand.
I'll start by acknowledging that WLMs can be abusive. With any relationship there is potential for abuse. However, an abusive relationship is caused by the behavior of an individual and not by the type of relationship. A wife can have unlimited power and authority over her husband and not be abusive. In a WLM, should the wife have unlimited power and authority over her husband? Ideally Yes.
A key principle of a WLM is that the husband willingly yields to his wife and gives her full authority over him.Three needs to be a desire by the husband to submit to his wife, obey her, and accept her authority over him. However, this principle alone does not define the WLM. For the WLM to be successful there also needs to a commitment from the wife to lead the marriage in a way that is in the best interest of the relationship. The relationship needs to be rooted in love, respect and trust. If all these things exist, then the relationship will be most fulfilling when the wife has absolute authority and power over the husband.
A wife who loves and respects her husband would not force him into a situation that will make him deeply unhappy. A healthy marriage is about doing things together as a couple, enjoying life together, and making each other happy. In a healthy and mature WLM, the husband yields completely to his wife and trusts that she will take care of him and the wife leads by taking into consideration his needs and desires and doing things that will make him happy.
Having authority over a person does not mean that you make all the decisions for that person or that you are being completely self serving in everything that you do. In a WLM having authority means the wife gets to have the final say in all decisions if she desires. In my marriage there are many decisions that I make without consulting Thomas, there are decisions that I consult with him on and there are decisions that I allow him to make on his own. In all cases I always have the right to final say in a decision and Thomas accepts my decision even if it is not what he wants.
The man's needs and desires are important. If the wife does not take care of these, then the husband will become unhappy and will lose his motivation to submit to her or be motivated for the wrong reasons. I have seen where some men proclaim this mantra, that all that matters is what the wife wants. I believe many of them are sincere with this statement, but the only way they can be sincere is if they are already in an environment where their core needs and desires are being met. If the wife suddenly changed course and forced the husband over and over again to do something he completed hated or that disgusted him, would he still believe in this mantra? Probably not.
While I am stating that the husband's needs and desire are important, I also want to make it clear that in the WLM the wife's needs and desires take priority over the husband's. No doubt there will be many times where the husband is not happy with a decision made by the wife and times where the husband wants to do something that the wife does not permit. He should obey her and accept her decision. That is the commitment he made when agreeing to submit to her.
I want to make a distinction between what I just said and my statement earlier in the post in which I said the wife would not force her husband into a situation that will make him deeply unhappy. There is a big difference between being unhappy and being deeply unhappy. In any relationship there are going to be disagreements and times where one person is unhappy with the outcome. The unhappiness is not pleasant but usually short-lived and the unhappy person eventually moves on and puts it behind them.This is a normal part of a WLM, but the difference between a traditional marriage and a WLM is that in the WLM, the wife gets the final say and therefore should never end up being the unhappy person. I'd also guess that in the WLM, the unhappiness is very short-lived because the husband is accepts his wife's decision and does not spend a lot of time sulking over it.
When something makes a person deeply unhappy and not just unhappy, it is an issue for the relationship. Deeply unhappy, in the context of my post, is when something has a long-lasting impact on a person and it strongly affects their mood, attitude, or outlook on life. Decisions that negatively affect a person's morals and core beliefs are examples that can have this effect. Cuckolding fits into this category. If either the husband or wife are not comfortable with cuckolding, then it should not be done.
When a wife decides to take a position of control and authority over he husband, it comes with the responsibility of taking care of him and ensuring he remains healthy, safe, and happy. Honestly, I can not imagine why a wife would want anything different. I want my husband to be happy. I married him because I love him and his happiness is important to me.
A WLM is not something to enter into lightly. Before you marry someone, it is important that you spend a tremendous amount of time getting to know them and ensuring your likes, beliefs. and morals are compatible. A marriage should not occur unless there is love, trust, and caring between the couple. The same applies to a WLM.
In the WLM, the wife should have complete authority and control over the husband. It may take time for this to happen. In many cases, like mine, the wife is not ready for this. It took me many years before I understood what it meant and before I was comfortable accepting this responsibility. In other cases, the husband may not be ready to completely yield to his wife in all aspects of his life. It is a journey that both husband and wife experience together. As the journey progresses, both husband and wife evolve and move toward the ideal state. At least, that's how it felt for my husband and I.
Every couple has a different journey. Some move through it slowly, others speed through it. Some may even find a happy balance halfway there. My own experiences tell me that the closer you can get to complete authority and submission, the more fulfilling and exciting the WLM will be.
-Mz Kaylee
Excellent and thought provoking post. I totally agree that a wife led marriage should not be entered into without deep thought. I also concur the wife needs to be sure it is okay and good for her husband. He is dominated by her but willfully. I think this is difficult for many to understand. Honestly I still have difficulty "getting" that my husband is a submissive and what that means in real time. In recent days our relationship has gotten closer and closer. He has shared with me more and more of his deeper feelings. Initially (and at times still) he is embarrassed to admit the depth of those feelings - that it feels "right" to him to be submissive to me. It is interesting to me because recently he has used that word - "right" which may overlap with but is slightly different than "good". He has said at times that he feels like he is his "truest self" when I am in charge. It fascinates me to be honest.
ReplyDelete-Mary
When I feel submissive, connected, loved and understood by my wife it is the best possible feeling. Literally amazing. I believe it is a blend of spiritual, sexual energy's coming together at the same time at its peak. There is a lot of pressure in the world (I run a small business), so it is truly a gift to come home to my wife and submit to her. Men (at least some of us) our driven to please our wives and protect them. That is why if the wife understands this and makes sure she is safe and pleased (or happy) as much as possible she will complete the circle.
DeleteIt is not a one way street though and I think that is what Mz. Kaylee is trying to teach. You may not understand why your husband is "wired" this way, but he is. Based on my own experience I do no think he will become unwired. So your willingness to be open minded and try to understand how to handle your man (even if you do not understand why certain things work) in ways that suits you is important.
It fascinates me as well. It would be much easier to be the typical male and fit into the box. But the box is not what it used to be, as a society we are at the beginnings of that paradigm shift in a lot of ways.
KL
"absolute power corrupts absolutely"
ReplyDeleteThis has been self evident throughout human history, and in my own personal life as well... Abusive FLR is very real and in my own personal life, as I saw my relationship transform more and more towards absolute power I only saw it become more and more abusive.
It is just human nature.
I liked your post, it was very logical and flowed well and articulated the points clearly. However, one thing you did not address is when the Woman and man have a conflict of interest that results in BOTH of them becoming "deeply unhappy".
For relatively minor things, the Woman's needs take precedence, I get that. But just because the man would be "deeply unhappy" is he supposed to win? What happens when the man doesn't want to be cuckolded but the Woman simply doesn't get sexual pleasure from him, and it would make her "deeply unhappy" to not take other sexual partners.
What then? Is the only solution divorce? I can tell you from personal experience, when the Woman does have power, it will obviously be the Woman's needs that take precedence, and she will do what she wants. And the only thing the man can do is accept his deep unhappiness is less important than hers, or leave the relationship. But intrinsic in the nature of abusive, power imbalanced relationships is that it can be much more difficult for the weaker partner to leave. Especially if the stronger one wants to keep them there.
So really the only solution is for the Woman, who has the power and the responsibility within the relationship to end it. Because her submissive partner won't have the strength within the relationship to end it. But what Woman, who loves her partner and always gets what she wants, and especially when it makes her "deeply happy" as well, would leave that relationship?
Its just human nature...
I am sorry to hear that you have had this terrible experience. Thank you for sharing your experience. In my opinion, if the couple is at a cross-roads for something so serious and can not resolve, then divorce is the right path. It does not make sense for one person to live an unhappy life. The couple should not make that decision lightly and should exhaust all options and seek help before deciding on a divorce. I also agree that it can be difficult for the submissive husband to leave but it can and should be done if the situation is abusive. The husband needs to find the strength and seek out support to make this happen. So many women are in this situation today, under the power of an abusive husband. It is sad and I can not even imagine how hard and frightening it is to take the first step but it must be done. If you are open to sharing more, it would be helpful to hear how you dealt with the situation and any advice to others based on how things turned out for you.
DeleteDear Kaylee – this is one of your very best blogs posts yet. Your message really struck a chord with me. My husband and I are close to the same stage in our WLM as you and your husband. Like you it has taken us a few years to get to where we are at, but we are not looking back. When my husband first told me about his desire to submit to me, I was shocked to say the least. But I love him, so I decided to “let’s see where this will lead us.” Four years later, I am now the absolute authority in our home. And I have to say what’s not to like – I have come to love being in control of our life. I do ask my husband for his input, but I make the final decisions for us. My husband is obedient and more affectionate than he has ever been. He now does about 75% of the housework, and we are working on getting him toward 100%. He still has his occasional tiffs and disagreements and he is unhappy with a decision I make, but they are much fewer than in the past. It’s amazing what 20 minutes standing against a wall with his nose holding up a quarter will do to his attitude – gives him a chance to think and reorient himself. Most of all, I love how I have grown in my own confidence in myself as a wife and woman. And I love how my daughters have seen this change in me as well.
ReplyDeleteI feel that I come to the point where I have absolute power in our home. Your idea of unhappy and deeply unhappy is very true. I would never make a decision that would lead either myself or my husband to become deeply unhappy, His happiness is in his submission to me and his commitment to my happiness. My happiness comes from his submission and from the empowerment that a WLM offers.
I hope this makes sense. I am not one to write often, but I was so struck by your wise words that I felt inspired to write. Thank you.
Diane
Mz. Kaylee,
ReplyDeleteGreat post, I so enjoy your Blog!
I generally agree with your comments in regard to cuckolding especially in a new and growing FLM marriage but I also believe that as the relationship matures the absence of absolute power can actually cause the relationship to fail. I sense a level of confusion in your post with comments about a husband being “unhappy or deeply unhappy “. I think the same confusion can happen within the relationship if her power is not absolute .Like most couples we grew into the concept of absolute power as we encountered difficult situations that caused division in our marriage.I believe It really comes down to the husband commitment to his submission and the wife’s willingness to assert her dominance in real life situations . My wife and I are both strong willed individuals and overtime as we embraced the WLM lifestyle she became unwilling to bend to my wishes. It was at this stage that I realized her power was becoming absolute and the only thing keeping us from attaining a new level of love and trust was my lack of absolute submission. In our marriage, absolute submission meant accepting her freedom with no pretense of patriarchal ownership while embracing complete and total devotion to her. She had no understanding of the word “ Cuckolding “ but she longed for the excitement and thrill that is present in new relationship while still needing the security of a devoted husband . My surrender and absolute submission made this possible. I have now found a new level of happiness, freedom and contentment and an even greater level of desire and appreciation for my wife.
However , I believe that as a group we have to look deeper into the dynamic of cuckolding to understand it’s true place in a FLM . First I challenge the use of the term “Cuckolding “ mostly because the vast majority of the use of this term is about a male fantasy rather than female empowerment . I would imagine that about 90 percent of the couples practicing Cuckolding started as a result of the males desires rather than the sexual fulfillment of his wife. I believe this concept has no place in a FLM and can force a woman down a path that she is uncomfortable with and leave her confused and feeling unloved.
A man who is mature and complete in his submission will willingly yield to his wife’s desires even if he is deeply unhappy with her decision. A wife in this situation has an obligation to wield her authority with love and concern for her husbands well being but not to the point of yielding to his desires . Her authority and desires must remain whole and complete if the relationship is to mature. Her assertion of having the freedom to find pleasure in the arms of another man may be the ultimate challenge to husbands submission but it is important that we realize that the experience is also a powerful validation of her absolute power.
My wife is very open about her encounters with other men in a teasing and coy way. This is very important to me because I do not believe in secrets or deceit in our relationship and even more important it fulfills my desires of submission .
Take care
John Dalton
John, as always, your comments are very thoughtful and sincere. I agree that maturity of the relationship has a lot to do with acceptance of absolute power and that acceptance of absolute power leads to a deeper sense of fulfillment and happiness for the husband. I would guess the most couples do not start out in the absolute power scenario but they evolve into over time as the relationship matures, which I believe is consistent with what you are saying. Theoretically, in a mature relationship both partners are in tune with each and therefore would never encounter the "deeply unhappy" situation. This is the point where it is easy for the husband to accept absolute power. Honestly, I could not imagine it happening in my marriage.
DeleteIn newer relationships, where both partners are still growing as couple and learning about each other and themselves the chances of encountering the deeply unhappy scenario are greater but I would still argue that if the relationship is loving, it should not occur or once it happens, the couple works to resolve it.
There is no confusion on my part about happy and deeply unhappy. Maybe I did not explain it well. The easiest example I can think of is somebody who morally believe cuckolding is wrong. There are many people who fall into this category. In this situation it is not appropriate or acceptable for the wife to force the husband into cuckolding. The deeply unhappy scenario is a rare exception and are the things that usually equate to a divorce in a traditional marriage.
Hello Mz Kaylee.
DeleteI may have misspoke as well. From a mature point of view, I well understood your comments regarding unhappy and deeply unhappy. I became unhappy when my wife started bringing up an old flame in conversation almost from the moment we met but but I became deeply unhappy a few years ilatter when she openly started communicating with him. As she matured in her dominance she felt empowered to move beyond my comfort level and challenge my submission. I was deeply unhappy with her direction but it became a tremendous point of growth in our relationship and I as a result I understand and value her absolute power. Yes, there are situations that my arise in relationships that can challenge the very foundation of a relationship but these are issues that should be evident and communicated before marriage. I knew my wife had a flirty personality almost from the moment we met but like most men I thought her attention would be completely centered on me over time . Truthfully , this was part of my attraction to her and now we are both content and happy as she is empowered to just relax and live her life as she chooses .
Take care
John Dalton
Good thoughts. Ms. Debbie sees other men; she enjoys the excitement and variety that dating affords her. Initially, I was concerned about her dating but soon overcame that fear as I recognized her absolute authority within our marriage allowed her to decide as she sees fit. Her dating has reinforced my submissiveness and I now find the prospect of my wife's dating very exciting. Ms. Debbie keeps the details of her encounters to herself but I always know who she's dating and where they are going. She's introduced me to some of her dates. If she's entertaining a man at home I leave to stay the evening with her mother or sister. Debbie and one of her boyfriends recently took a Bermuda cruise. I bought Debbie a monokini swim suit that I discretely placed in her bag. I was thrilled when she sent me a picture of her wearing it. I love pleasing my wife
DeleteDear Kaylee,
ReplyDeleteThank you for this wonderful post, as always you are spot and a joy to read
love tiptease
My husband and I have been in a WLM/FLR for several years now, and although I have not achieved absolute power we are moving in that direction. I want to add that our WLM/FLR is centered on love. We do this thing because we love each other. My husband loves and trusts me so much that he has given me control over him. And I love my husband so much that I have accepted the role of head of our household and Mistress over my husband. I have final say over all decisions and although I do allow him to make certain decisions, there are occasions when I overrule him. He sometimes becomes a bit upset when this happens. Like Diane I have found that a half hour facing a wall with his hands behind his back and his nose holding a coin against the wall is a great way to change his attitude. He hates it, but he does it, even when upset, because he recognizes me as his superior.
ReplyDeleteThank you for a wonderful and very helpful blog.
Bethany
Wow! The comments shared thus far are wonderful, thought provoking, and inspiring. Thank you all for sharing. I hope women who are on the fence about FLR read these and are inspired to take the lead in their marriage and I hope mem who read these can see that giving up control and not holding back leads them to a better place.
ReplyDeleteDear Kaylee -- I’d just like to add that as the head of my household and having absolute authority over my husband I could freely choose to do something, such as date other men (which I don’t and never will do), that might cause him deep unhappiness. However, my happiness is linked to his – If I cause him to be deeply unhappy then I will be deeply unhappy as well; and thus I would not engage in whatever I had considered doing. I think it is important to keep in mind that although in a WLM the wife does (or should) have absolute power over her husband, a WLM is still all about love for one another. My husband and I are more in love now (since we began our WLM) than ever before. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteDiane
Hello Diane.
DeleteI hope I do not offend you in responding to a post that was directed to Mz Kaylee. If so, please reply and I will be happy to delete my comments. When I read your post it gives me great joy that you and your husband have developed a marriage based on the FLR concept . I am happy that your growing even closer and more in love But,it causes me concern that you are missing the real value of a FLR. The madgic and energy of a FLR comes from the wife's freedom to to be independent of her husbands direction and desires. Your comments seem to indicate that your focus is on making sure that he is never unhappy while " not engaging in whatever I considered doing" . I absolutely love and desire my wife because of her willingness to put her desires above mine without regard to my happiness. Yes there are limits and yes her absolute authority must be applied with concern for my well being but there will always be moments of unhappiness when her direction is not of my design. I need to feel her power and authority in our relationship to be content and happy . I would not enjoy her dominance if I felt she always yielded to my desires.
Just a thought, maybe it is time to engage in those activities that make you happy.
Take care
John Dalton
Diane, you are right on! It's so important to understand that a wife rules with love and not without regard for her husband. Thank you for bringing home that point in your comment.
DeleteJohn- we are talking about "deep unhappiness" here. I think you are taking Diane's comment out of context. Also by your own admission you enjoy the way your wife treats you so I would guess she is doing this in part because of your desire to be treated this way. So couldn't you say she is actually taking into account your happiness in the way she is treating you?🙂 I am in agreement that a submissive man is happiest when he is focused on serving and obeying his wife and I view her dominance as a gift to her husband and not that she is ruling without consideration for him.
Mz Kaylee
DeleteI think we are all basically pretty much in agreement with the term absolute power but it can be difficult to agree on the limits or application of such power. Each couple will have to work through the hard limits and form a balance that empowers the wife but does not destroy the marriage in the processes. Yes, there are moments of authority and dominance that my wife uses in our relationship simply because she knows it makes me happy and helps to balance our relationship but there are other actions or privileges that she indulges in as part of her absolute power that are not meant to entice me. These actions or decisions are very different in nature and are defining in the relationship. I believe this is where absolute power is found ! My intent is to make others aware of the even greater love and closeness that comes with complete surrender and trust in the woman you love. Trust and obey have been part of our cultures marriage vowels for years. My point is that the joy of a WLM is found in the level of commitment within the relationship which brings us back to trusting the concept of absolute power . There will always be the " what if " fears but that's where trust in her becomes so important. It never occurred to me that submitting to my wife's desire to pursue another love interest could actually bring us even closer, but I trusted her direction and found that our love even grew stronger as a result. From the other side I found that all my fears were based on what I was taught to believe rather than the truth . The natural course of a WLM will often take a couple in this direction simply because of the freedom that comes with female empowerment. The freedom she experiences will make her even more beautiful and the course she sets may have a few dark clouds but reward will be worth the challenge.
Take care
John Dalton
There is a lot of wisdom and experience in your words Mz Kaylee. Thank you for this insightful post.
ReplyDeleteThe way I see it, the Female partner in a FLR should have the absolute power within agreed upon boundaries. What these boundaries include depends on individuals involved (both of them!). Boundaries can be shifted (not necessarily expanded), either explicitly (again with agreement of both partners or implicitly as the relationship develops. The later option is more "organic", two partners who know, love and respect each other should be able to use this approach in most cases.
My Wife and I never use FLR as an expression, my Wife is not even aware of formal concept of FLR. We live a more or less regular life spiced with FLR elements (mostly in sex, but also increasingly more in other areas of life). We don't have any formal agreements about it. There are just slowly expanding and evolving rules that I am expected to obey. It started with my Wife demanding that I stop masturbating. Through the last couple of years it naturally progressed to the situation where my Wife has absolute control over all my orgasms and our sex life in general. I give input, but She has the final say in sex, period. And I love it. I need it, it makes me happy. And my Wife also knows how to use my sexuality to Her own benefits. I feel our relationship is slowly evolving more and more in the FLR direction. I hope this evolution never stops.
"Decisions that negatively affect a person's morals and core beliefs are examples that can have this effect."
ReplyDeleteThis is getting at a distinction between "absolute relative power" and "absolute power". I don't think of my wife as anything like an infallible god. She isn't allowed to order me to murder someone, or to commit an act of treason, or even to cheat on my income taxes. Regardless of how we structure our marriage, both of us are under the same moral laws that come from external authorities (God, country, the obligations to care for our young children, etc.)
Even within the marriage, we still both took specific vows to one another that haven't been altered by any of the structural changes in household authority. So something like cuckolding would be off limits for both reasons: 1) Because it violates our core moral principles of marital fidelity, and 2) because we took vows that we both understood as implying monogamy at the time we took them.
In some sense, the "realness" of the wife-led marriage concept is how mundane much of it is. It isn't hot swinging couples having sex orgies. It's just a normal marriage that's subject to a gender role reversal, where the husband ends up acting very much like a traditional submissive wife from a hundred years ago. And just as a husband who slept around in the 1910s would be a rascal and a cad, despite being legally the head of his household, I would regard a woman in a FLR as being a cad if she took advantage of her own authority to suddenly start cheating on her husband. That's actually a pretty good test of the ethicality of some specific behavior by a dominant marriage partner, in my mind. So (as another example) if a husband in 1910 raided the family grocery budget to go off and drink in bars every night, he'd be stealing from his wife and children -- which means that a modern wife who took advantage of a FLR to demand the same freedom should be criticized in exactly the same way. Or another example: It's reasonable for my wife to demand that I give her 90% of the adult clothing budget, so that she has a huge wardrobe and I have to shop at thift stores. But it's not reasonable for her to clean out my investment account and take a week to play the slots at Vegas using our children's college education funds. Her power is absolute with respect to decisions that involve ONLY THE TWO OF US -- not decisions that involve our responsibilities to our children, or to our church, or to US law.
And again, with respect to the cuckolding issue specifically, that's relative to a traditional understanding of marriage, and I do understand that there are plenty of post-religious understandings that have largely abandoned monogamy as an ethical virtue. I'm just speaking from my own upbringing and culture.
The person with absolute power cannot decide whether they are exercising it fairly or in the interests of the other person. If it's always "she wins, he loses," then it comes down to what kind of sense of decency, empathy, and compassion, she has. However, when you answer to no one, there is nothing to constrain you. The situation is worse when men turn over their finances, because then their ability to leave is severely constrained. Quite honestly, many women who comment on here seem to treat their husbands horrendously and without any real concern for their well being or happiness.
ReplyDeleteYes, I thought Mz. Kaylee's post was pretty much a denial of the necessity of any moral or ethical constraints on the part of the wife other than what she herself decides. It boiled down to "Give us all the power and everything will be fine, just trust us." No, sorry, I have spent a lot of time reading a numbeer of the femdom/WLM blogs and honestly, I am appalled at the abusive behavior that is not only tolerated, but celebrated. Everything from petty, pointless humiliations to random beatings to adultery to the use of shock collars as torture devices and the wives are cheering all of it on, like, you go girl, woohoo! I never see any discussions on any of these blogs about hey, you know, maybe we shouldn't do such and such to our husbands because it's not a good idea, or maybe we should back off a bit. No, it's always full speed ahead and the wife never makes any mistakes, and here's how further you can grind your husband's face into the dirt and her treatment of her husband is always considered to be practically perfect in every way, no matter what she does.
DeleteHere's an example: around the beginning of the year, a guest poster on this blog mentioned that even though she allowed her husband to have for orgasms last year, this year, she only would be allowing him to have two. And I ask, why? Now, before someone thinks I need a lecture on orgasm management, let me save you the trouble: I understand it. The wife in a WLM rations her husband's orgasms in order to bring him to a greater awareness of, and attention to, her needs and desires. Actually, I don't think this is a bad idea. I see how this can work, even in a traditional marriage. But holy crap, this seemed so extreme. And no reason was given. If this woman's husband generally behaved poorly in 2018 so much so that she decided to put him on half rations for 2019, I can see that. But there was no indication that was the case, her decision just seemed capricious and arbitrary. She admitted that this was going to be a sacrifice for him. So, in other words, his reward for trying to be devoted to and serving his wife was for her to arbitrarily increase his suffering. In what universe does that make sense?
Mz Kaylee also says:
"When a wife decides to take a position of control and authority over he husband, it comes with the responsibility of taking care of him and ensuring he remains healthy, safe, and happy."
Yes, that's the theory. The reality, I suspect, is quite different in more cases than you'd care to admit.
"Honestly, I can not imagine why a wife would want anything different."
Oh, I can! So you honestly think a wife can't be cruel? You think a wife can't be spiteful? I think you're just being naive here. It is obvious from reading these blogs that many of the women are simply on power trips and it gives them pleasure to lord it over their quivering jellyfish husbands.
Anonymous,
DeleteAbsolute power is based on a husbands desire and willingness to absolutely submit to his wife . Absolute power in a loving FLR is like a dance that excites both the husband and the wife . This is not a lifestyle of weakness but rather one of strength based on the core belief that women are generally better suited to lead and men are more productive under the direction of a woman. We have simply found a better relationship and life that is generally without conflict. Certainly the possibility of abuse is always present in any relationship but the dynamic of a FLR requires equal communication and commitment from both parties and would never work is abuse was present.
John Dalton
John - Very poetic. For a submissive man this rings true. I personally do not prescribe to the belief that women are better suited to lead men. It really depends on the individual. Nonetheless, you comment beautifully describes the WLM/FLR dynamic.
DeleteMz Kaylee
DeleteThank you for your kind words. I also share your belief that not all women are better suited to lead in our fallen world but i do believe that men who find such a woman are very blessed. I think it was Gods plan of creation but few woman fulfill their destiny . A man is born with a desire to serve the woman of his heart but few men are lucky enough to find a woman strong and committed enough to shrug off the socially expectations and live with an inherit expectation of service . Women that find the madgic especially at a young age are blessed and are destined to live a Full and happy life . I know my ideas seem out there sometimes but if you really take a look at the big picture of life a FLR makes a lot more sense and less radical than our current mode of sociable failures .
Take care
John Dalton
f-sub- yes, there are Femdom/WLM blogs that portray the wife in a cruel and spiteful manner. Most are fantasy fodder. It is unfair for you to assume I believe those same things. Pretty much everything you commented on has nothing to do with my post. Never have I said full speed ahead. In fact, I encourage patience and view FLR as a journey. Never have I said we don't make mistakes. I think I've even admitted a few in my posts. I promote a balanced, loving, and caring approach in a FLR. My husband tells me regularly that he is lucky to be under my control and he thanks me for it. Does that sound like I am a cruel, spiteful wife?
ReplyDeleteI know our marriage is strong and we are both happy. We've been married 20+ years, rarely argue, and enjoy spending time with each other. The things I write about work for us.The things I write about are reality and are based on real experience.
How about you? Are you married? Are you in a FLR? What works for you?
"yes, there are Femdom/WLM blogs that portray the wife in a cruel and spiteful manner. Most are fantasy fodder. It is unfair for you to assume I believe those same things."
DeleteA fair point. But the example I gave you was from this blog. If I read something published here, I think it is not unreasonable for me to assume that:
a) unless it says otherwise, it is not 'fantasy fodder' but describes real life.
b) if you don't criticize it, you must be OK with it.
I'm talking about this article:
https://femdomthinktank.blogspot.com/2019/01/the-mind-fuck-orgasm-by-aj.html
You posted this on your blog. You offered no criticism of it. Therefore, I do not think it is unreasonable to conclude that you approve of it. If you really had a problem with it, I don't think you would have published it. Specifically, tha author 'AJ' said she decided to reduce her husband's frequency of release by half. From now on, he'll only get released twice a year. No reason was given. I explained last time why I thought this was appalling. So I think it's a fair question for me to ask you directly: Are you OK with that? That is, I think it's outrageous, what she did, increasing her husband's suffering for no apparent reason. I think that's unnecessarily cruel. Do you agree? If not, why not?
Here is another recent example from this blog that you published:
https://femdomthinktank.blogspot.com/2019/02/a-first-time-cuckolding-experience-by.html
In this article, 'Debbie' relates her family history of abusive women who select weak, spineless men as mates so they can bully and boss them around. And how she started cheating on her husband. Doesn't appear to a lot of consent here, by the way.
Again, you must approve of this, because you published it. Please explain to me how it is unreasonable for me to conclude this, because I honestly don't see it.
"I know our marriage is strong and we are both happy. We've been married 20+ years, rarely argue, and enjoy spending time with each other."
I was not criticizing your marriage.
"It is unfair for you to assume I believe those same things. Pretty much everything you commented on has nothing to do with my post. Never have I said full speed ahead."
Neither have you criticized any of the practices that are written of here your blog, not even adultery. It is not unreasonable to conclude that you're OK with it all, hence the reason why I said that. I would like to hear you say, just once, something like, "you know, you probably shouldn't do that to your husband, it's mean and spiteful. I don't recommend it." But you never have.
And just so you know, appeals to consent are always problematic in relationships where one person holds all of the power.
"How about you? Are you married? Are you in a FLR? What works for you?"
No, I am not in an FLR. Or, in my case, a WLM. I've been married for nearly 35 years. We're empty nesters now, our children are grown. When I was a young man, before I was married, I had submissive fantasies that I attempted to fulfill with several professional dominatrixes. But the sessions weren't all that satisfying, and so I stopped wasting my money and the fantasies eventually died out. I haven't had one for many years. That's the reason for my handle f-Sub; the 'f' stands for 'former'.
(to be continued...)
(continued...)
DeleteI also had big problems with masturbation and porn. This is the garbage I brought into my marriage and I deeply reget having done so. I wish with all of my heart I had restrained myself so that my first experience with sex would have been with the woman I married.
I didn't tell my wife about any of my sexual problems and then one day she caught me looking at online porn. Our marriage almost crashed. My dear wife is as plain vanilla as you can get, has no desire to be anything else, and was quite shocked when she discovered my sexual proclivities. I put her through hell, and I will regret this for the rest of my life.
But the reason I'm here is that awhile back, I stumbled upon Fumiko Misato's "Real Women Don't Do Housework" site and book. I was intrigued by her discussion of wives managing the sexual relationship, and it sort of clicked with me. I found myself agreeing with her that for the husband to develop a sex-on-demand expectation is not good for the marriage, and can lead to much resentment and anger in his wife. She can be made to feel like one of those blow-up sex dolls. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that husbands, even those not in WLMs, need to be sexually disciplined (as I never was). But that's not something that comes naturally to us. It's also something that is not taught anymore. Such things were dismissed as old-fashioned Victorian prudery decades ago at the dawn of the sexual revolution and I think our society is worse off for it.
Since it is incumbent for the husband to subordinate all of his sexual desire and energy to the service of his wife, it makes sense to let her decide what pleasure he gets to experience. This is a new way to think about sex, and once I was able to wrap my head around the idea that husbands could be stimulated and teased but not necessarily released, and that would cause them to love their wives more and focus attention on them where it belonged, I could see the obvious advantages. I honestly wish I knew about this 30 years ago when I was first married. I would've asked my wife to do this to me for the good of our marriage, to help me focus my sexual thoughts and fantasies on her, rather than some porn photos.
(continued...)
DeleteNow that I'm over 60 years old, I no longer look at porn and I haven't masturbated in years. My sex drive is, by my estimation, about a fourth or a fifth of what it used to be when I was a young man, so it's all kind of a moot point. Lovemaking is more sedate, and I've grown to enjoy the after-cuddling with my wife a lot more, in fact, I think it's the best part now. It took me years to get over the porn, and I think an orgasm management regimen would've made it easier for me back in the day, if only I had known.
Despite the repellently extreme stuff that most WLM sites are full of, I have to say I've learned a great deal from them about how men and women relate to each other sexually and emotionally, good information I've never seen anywhere else. And I believe much of it is useful even in non-WLM contexts. I think new brides would benefit by learning how their husbands think about sex, and how they can help them focus their energy where it should be directed, that is, in service to them. New husbands need to be taught not to be constantly bugging their wives for sex. And during lovemaking, the wife's pleasure and satisfaction should be his top priority. She should always come first, both in the bedroom and in their married life in general, and yes, that double entendre was intentional. Also, things like porn, and masturbation, and going to titty bars are just different kinds of adultery, but adultery nonetheless, and should not be indulged in. If I were teaching a pre-marital class for young couples, those are topics I'd want to cover. I would not teach a full-throated WLM regime. But dammit, we husbands can treat our wives a lot better than most of us do.
Perhaps this is all TMI. If so, I'm sorry. I've said stuff here that I've never told anyone else.
Thank you for taking the time to respond.
Well, OK. but you can hardly take credit for rarely arguing when to do so subjects your husband to the threat of punishment. Dictatorships have always been known for their stability because they stifle dissent.
ReplyDeleteHas your husbabd ceded control of all finances? Would he have the ability to leave if he wanted?
Also, you were part of real women don’t do housework group, one contributor to which has used a shock collar and severe beatings for even accidental orgasms that are unscheduled. So. the suggestion that you approve of or possibly engage in potentiall abuses of power is nor beyond the pale.
Once again, you are drawing incorrect conclusions about me based on other people's writings. I even doubt the credibiilty of what you are citing from other people. You have not responded to my questions so I am not going to waste my time commenting any further.
DeleteWas this response directed at me? Because I didn't write it, someone else did. If you asked some question, please let me know what they are and I will try to answer them for you. Thank you.
DeleteThe citations are from Yoga Girl. She took her blog private, but jr was replete with what I cited.
ReplyDeleteYour question was to F-sub, not me. I have been happily married for 13 years to a wonderful and KIND woman. It is not an FLR although we role play scenes where she is dominant for fun. She has my back, and I have hers. When our desires clash, which is not too often, we work out a compromise.
I wonder where all those male voices complaining against women with absolute power are when in most societies it is the men who have absolute power over women? Earlier in my marriage my husband largely had absolute power over - I was a typical June Cleaver. Although he had the power he loved me and treated me with respect, he attended to my needs, and I in turn loved him.
ReplyDeleteNow that we have reversed our roles, my husband still loves me (even more so actually I think). And I continue to love my husband and treat him with respect and attend to his needs. The only difference is that now I make the decisions, and those decisions I make are in the best interest of our family. Since he finds great satisfaction and joy in serving me, I have not difficulty in making decisions that may to someone outside of our relationship may seem selfish on my part. But we are both having our wants and needs met through my decisions and my absolute power over him.
Bethany
Bethany, I am pretty sure men reading this blog would be happy to find a woman like you that understands a man's desire to be under the absolute power of the woman he loves. The biggest issue my wife has is overcoming the selfesh dynamic that is part of what makes men like us happy. She struggles with the fairness issue and just cannot understand how I can find such joy in serving her. We are making progress but it has been slow. Always good to hear from women who have flipped the societal model and found that it can really work.
DeleteTake care
John Dalton
I'm not convinced there were really any Western societies where men had absolute power over women, at least not in the last dozen centuries or so. If you go back to the 19th century, men do have a lot of power and husbands (or society in general) could demand a long list of obligations from their wives:
ReplyDelete* Performing menial domestic tasks and chores
* Providing sexual services on demand
* Wearing specific forms of clothing, even when uncomfortable (corsets, stockings, etc)
* Transferring all property and legal rights to their husbands upon marriage
* Being verbally submissive and respectful
* Accepting scolding or punishment when failing to fulfill these obligations
In a WLM, I'd say that men can expect (without complaint) to be subject to a role reversal that allows wives to do any of the above to them. I think my wife has done all of the above to me, at one point or another, even when I didn't enjoy it.
But there are also things a 19th century husband couldn't do, not without losing his reputation in the community:
* Refuse to financially support his wife, or ruin his household through drinking or gambling
* Sexually use her in front of other people to humiliate her
* Punish her severely in ways that would threaten her health (beyond the "rule of thumb" in English society)
* Abandon his wife, not without very good cause
All of these things seem to me to be serious forms of abuse, and I wouldn't want to live in a society where men could do them to women -- or where women could do them to men.
The real question here is whether sexual infidelity belongs on the first list or the second one. I think it definitely belongs on the second one, since that's where it would have been throughout the period of male dominance. A husband who 'slept around' was badly regarded by social authorities, even under pre-modern patriarchy.
But I also recognize that many socially-liberal portions of the country now regard monogamy as a much less important virtue, and so for couples living in those places it probably seems more like something that belongs on the first list. It's going to vary from culture to culture.
As a undeniably dominant wife who is currently engaged in an a most decidedly FLR marriage which has now been going on for many years.... All I can say is that my husband is extremely happy and satisfied with our relationship as it currently stands and ****so am I***. We are both 2 grown up adults, of above average intellect and financial means. We are both successful outside of our marriage in the public domain where we both work and live. My husband is a successful and respected manager of many associates in the corporate workforce, both male and female. We did not just crawl out from under some rock. We are both with 100% with it both mentally and physically. I too currently have near absolute power over my husband in all practical matters of our marriage. While he is allowed a voice in all major decisions, we both know that in our marriage my word is the final word and my decisions are the decisions we both abide by. Its 100% love, 100% trust and 100% earned respect and 100% agreed upon deference to me which has led us to this present day situation. My husband without a doubt knows that I will always make decisions which are in both our combined best interests. I take my position of absolute leadership in our marriage very seriously and as result would never do anything to hurt my husband in any unintended or ultimately undesired manner. He know this and believes in me to do this for him. As a loving partner, I take his gift to me very seriously and own it. Being a man who is almost twice my size, who has his full mental faculties available to him, everything we do in our marriage is with his full consent. There is nothing stopping him from ending our relationship or the manner in which our relationship exists at any time. He has the power to do that at any time - he is no dummy or pushover. Of his free and consenting will, he chooses not to do so. Any relationship is a trade off, its all give and take. He chooses to give my his all, and I choose to take his all as a gift to our relationship, and in turn make him a very very happy man. It's just coincidence that in so doing I am an extremely happy and satiated wife.
ReplyDeleteI can't physically force him to endure a very physical "tears in his eyes" strapping when he needs correction. He willingly submits because he knows I have the right and the just cause to do so. He knows he's has earned it by his misdeeds according to the laws governing our relationship. He gives up his orgasms to me because it is my right to do so. By giving me the gift of his orgasms he gains in so many other areas of our marriage by the ten and hundred fold. He knows that and so do I. So that's why he submits. Believe me if he wasn't getting what he needed from the relationship, our marriage would have folded a long time ago. He introduced FLR into our marriage, I did not (I didn't even know that it was a "real" thing to be honest). I believe this is also the case with 99% of other FLR relationships. This is something which he needed and which he sought out. He, not I, needed this an an integral facet of his life. Over time, I have grown into my requested role and we would at this point never go back to our previous lives. It works for us both and it works for us both very well.
If you don't fit into this sort of category, if FLR isn't for you, then you probably shouldn't be reading this blog or any other similar blog. Move on to other blogs and platforms which promote your values and beliefs - it's that simple. Until you try it please don't knock it. I can almost guarantee you however, that if you do try it, if you both embrace it and are both selfless with it, then you can both expect to experience real bliss. It takes courage, an extremely open and questioning mind and above all love and trust to succeed in this sort of relationship.
ReplyDeleteMy husband wears a cock cage 24x7 and couldn't be more happy to do so. His tears of joy just happen to the resemble copious amounts of precum leaking out of his cock. His reddened ass, while a physically a real pain for him to sit on at times, also is also a very physical reminder of my love and devotion to him. My calling the everyday shots in our marriage is a welcome relief to his overstressed mind. It works for us. I will leave it there.
Not everyone who is interested in this blog or its subject matter subscribes to giving one person “absolute power” or strapping a spouse to tears (regardless of gender).
DeleteAnonymous - You are correct and I want people to be comfortbale discussing different view points and beliefs within the scope of WLM. AJs comments are directed at those who take issue with the concetps of WLM. If a person does not believe in WLM, then this is not the place for them to comment. It's funny how those with the strongest opinions and advice are often the ones who are not in a WLM.
DeleteI had a fascinating and informative conversation with my husband last night that felt relevant to all this so I thought I would share here. It had to do with words and language. He said that even though most people would find it "bossy" of me that when I say things to him in "absolutes" - basically when I simply direct him or tell him plainly to do things versus "suggest" or "ask" that it feels "good" and "calming" to him. I was a bit blown away by how he said this. I know darn well that me being dominant works well for us. But this seemed like a little nuance. It is also good information for me. However I know that to an outsider this could sound darn near abusive. But he literally said it feels "calming" to him when I "just" direct him. Wow.
ReplyDelete-Mary
We've been watching the posts and comments concerning a cuckolding. As a suubmissive male I agree that the woman should have complete control of a marriage and make all the decisions no matter how great or small. Why? Well, as a submissive I want it that way. It's what I signed up for when we were married. I take great pleasure in seeing her exercise her authority. Ms. Debbie frequently asks my opinion although she seldom takes it, sometimes telling me why I'm wrong but many times not. It's hard to explain but I get a certain satisfaction – a certain excitement - from her saying, “NO”.
ReplyDeleteA marriage succeds to the extent that a man does what his wife says. And if that includes her having boyfriends then so be it.
In my case maybe it's because at work I am a manager and have to step out of my submissive self and, well, manage. When I come home I check my authority at the door and enter Ms. Debbie's realm where – present or not – she is in charge. I get excited and look forward to submitting to my wife whether it's to her impromptu requests or following my long established daily routine of housework. Any power I have as a male is willingly surrendered to Ms. Debbie. I can be asked my opinion but she has the ultimate authority.
When Ms. Debbie announced that she was going to start dating again I wasn't given an opportunity to comment – that's just the way it was going to be; she has absolute authority! Her sisters had boyfriends so why not Ms. Debbie? Her happiness is first and formost. Ms. Debbie dates a few times a month. Aside from my helping pick her dating outfits I'm not involved in any way. If I'm out of town she will take the opportunity to entertain one of her boyfriends. If I'm home and she's planning on entertainig I leave the house, usually going to her sister's or mother for the evening, returning only after he's gone. Ms. Debbbie is always happy and energetic after a date. We've been out and encountered a few of her dates. She introduces me but only later confides that the man we've met was one of her boyfriends. Ms. Debbie's boyfriends call her and if they do, I'm to be polite and take a message. We've worked her dating into the fabric of our marriage.
David
Hello David.
DeleteYour comments reflect the way I feel in many ways . I think it is the simplicity of what you say that is so important. You are submissive by choice , her power is absolute by mutual consent so cuckolding is a mature expression of her freedom and power . It is the power and boldness of the act that I think we enjoy . The really strange part to me is how it seems so natural and has given me a sense of freedom and contentment that I never imagined possible . I have never been a jealous and possessive man so I never realized how much underlying stress there can be in the natural but absolute expectation of fidelity in a relationship. Letting go of that expectation while committing to a life of submission to the woman I love has completely changed and enriched our lives in a way I never knew was possible.
Thank you for sharing,
John Dalton
f-sub,
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing information about yourself. It helps give perspective on your thoughts. To set the record straight:
No, you can not assume that I agree with everything that the guest posters write.My blog is titled 'Femdom Think Tank." A Think Tank is a place where people can share and discuss different ideas, opinions, and beliefs. I have been open to the readers of this blog that I welcome differing opinions.
No, you can not assume that if I did not comment on something that I agree with it.
In addition to your inaccurate asumptions, youar mis-characterizing what people write and taking things out of context. For example, in your last comment you wrote:
"the author 'AJ' said she decided to reduce her husband's frequency of release by half. From now on, he'll only get released twice a year. No reason was given. I explained last time why I thought this was appalling. So I think it's a fair question for me to ask you directly: Are you OK with that? That is, I think it's outrageous, what she did, increasing her husband's suffering for no apparent reason. I think that's unnecessarily cruel.
Please go back an re-read the post. AJ did give a reason. It was to enhance the mind fuck that she was describing. If you take the time to read and understand her post, you'll find that her husband will actually experience more than two orgasms a year. If you understood her post you would know that she is actually creating an exciting experience for her husband. If you don't get that, then you don't understand orgasm control as you claim you do. Orgasm control is not just about the woman's control over the man. It is a wonderful mind fuck for the man as well. You focused on one or two sentences that have a diferrent meaning when isolated. In the context of everything that she wrote, and given the maturity of her WLM, I see nothing wrong with what she is doing. If you want to discuss this more, please comment on that post and not here.
I am not going to continue down this path with you. How about you stop making assumption and start to comment based on facts or ask people directly what they feel. Maybe you misunderstood AJs post. If you had concerns with what she wrote, then why not ask her directly and not be combative about it. I haave no problems if you disagree with something and want to give your view and discuss more. What I have a problem with is that you take things out of context and make rude and sarcastic comments and that you continue to make false assumptions and accusations. As you know, I've chosen not to publish a few of your comments because some were too inappropriate. If you can not discuss things in a respectful and honest way then don't expect me to publish your comments. The only reason I have taken time to write this response is because I sense there is some sincerity in your comments. Please just be respectful to others here and not jump to conclusions without first trying to understand what people mean.
Thank you all for your continued discussion. I am thrilled to see both men and women commenting and sharing real experiences. We are gettng into some of the nuts and bolts of the topic and not just general thoughts. The little nuances add so much meaning. I think it's great!
ReplyDeleteI wished we could develop this post further
ReplyDeleteI loved it
Off topic, does anyone know what hapened to the Femdom101 blog?
ReplyDeleteFemdom101 still exists at femdom101.blogspot
ReplyDeleteUnfortunately the owner occasionally feels the need to delete all of the former posts, so any new readers don't have the chance to read the whole back story. I love reading about the progression of a FLR.
This is an older thread I know but I thought I'd like to put out my perspective as a sub to my Goddess.
ReplyDeleteIn any relationship there is almost inevitably a power imbalance. In most of the world that sways towards the male, in the case of a FLR relationship it sways toward the female. For the first 10 years of our relationship we followed a traditional mindset, I was dominant essentially by default. That's not to say I was ever completely in charge, she's a headstrong woman as much as I am a headstrong man, but she deffered to me on most everything.
We had a particular event happen a couple of years ago that flipped a switch in both of us and our power roles swapped almost overnight. It took some unlearning and relearning for both of us but we pretty quickly found out footing. I am now completely her pet and consider myself essentially her property with one big caveat. I willingly GIVE her that control over me and if it were to ever be abused it could (and at times where she was in spots emotionally where she couldn't handle being in control) be rescinded. I give her control over me with the expectation that although I may not like some of the choices she makes for me they are done with her knowing in her heart and soul what I am ok with and what would cross a line. I have never felt the need or desire to challenge her authority over me for that simple fact. She knows the buttons that if pushed would be a step to far. Not because I am male and her husband but because we are best friends and she would never expected me to compromise myself and my sense of self worth.
I guess my point is that if you don't have that understanding of your partner you shouldn't be married period be it FLR or a traditional MLR. The "submissive" and "dominant"should ALWAYS remember their part in the power structure is given willingly and they have agency. Either can and should address anything they feel is not meeting their level of comfort and need and it it can't be worked out then walk away. It all comes down to trust, love and understanding your partner. We like to place labels on things but a FLR should be no different than a MLR at it's core. love respect cherish and try to make yourself happy while also making your partner happy. The pleasure I get from serving her and attending to her needs and desires come in part because although she in no way "serves" me she does feel it's her responsibility to take care of me and make me feel needed and desired. I'm her pet, she loves me implicitly and I worship everything about her.