The paradigm shift I wrote about in my last post is an advanced topic when it comes to WLM and something that can only occur in mature WLMs. I know from past comments that many of you are in mature WLMs and so I knew that some of you could relate to the idea and understand it. I was happy to read your comments. I am sure there are also many readers who did not fully grasp the concept or understand how it could work. That is perfectly fine. Even just a few years ago, I could not have wrote the post because I did not know enough to fully comprehend it, and I've been in a WLM for about 20 years.
There are also guys who understand it or who can relate to many aspects of it, but have not made the shift yet. The largest hurdle for guys in making the shift is being able to change their primary focus from self-gratifying pleasure to experiencing pleasure through satisfying her. Most guys that are into being dominated say that their focus is on serving the woman but it is not really true. Their primary reason for submitting to a woman is to experience the pleasure of being dominated. They only want t be dominated in a way that brings them pleasure. That is fantasy play and not true submission. Again, there is nothing wrong with fantasy play if that is what you want and if you can find a woman who is happy to engage in it from time-to-time. However, the challenge is that submissive guys want to be dominated more and more but most women do not seek out or crave domination in the same way that men crave submission. In fact, it tends to be a lot of work for us and is outside our comfort zone. A guy who is serving primarily for his own self-gratification is high maintenance and becomes tiresome to satisfy and therefore it is not a sustainable for the woman to continue or it becomes unsatisfying for her.
Those who want to succeed longer term and experience a deeper sense of fulfillment, need to channel their submission into doing things that maker her happy. Him doing all the chores that I do not like makes me happy. Pampering me and treating me nice makes me happy. Doing what I tell him or ask him to do without question or complaining makes me happy, and of course pleasuring me the way I like to be pleasured makes me happy. When a guy begins to think and act in way that takes these things into consideration, he is adding value to his submission. This makes domination more appealing to the woman. This is the right path to move down to achieve a long-term sustainable WLM/FLR and to ultimately discover the paradigm shift.
I feel I've gone through a paradigm shift in my thinking as well. In my WLM journey I started out dominating to satisfy my husbands desires. Eventually, I discovered that I could dominate in a way that benefited me while also satisfying him. Over time I used that more and more to my advantage. However, it was quite a bit of work for me and I was often challenged with finding time to dominate him consistently. The paradigm shift occurred when I realized two critical things. The first was that being strict and demanding and holding him accountable 24/7 is what he really wanted and is what motivates him. The second realization was that I needed to stop viewing him as a traditional husband and begin to manage him like an employee or a child and make him work hard for me so that it frees up my time. For example, instead of me spending time on doing chores and errands, I spend my time managing him doing the chores and errands. Part of that management includes holding him to high expectations, reviewing his performance, and rewarding, disciplining, or punishing him based on that performance. In this new paradigm I also proactively dominate him in ways that he desires in order to bring him emotionally closer to me and motivate him to serve and obey me even more. When I exercise this type of domination it serves a purpose for me and is not just for his self-pleasure. This is a completely different mindset compared to the traditional role of a spouse and not exactly the norm in society. However, it is amazingly effective. In the end, it is a lot less work for me and it satisfies his submissive cravings and makes him want to obey me and be good for me. Now I have much more free time to do what I want and I never have to do unpleasant things like cleaning the toilets. He is loving my increased strictness and domination so it is a win-win for both of us. My standard of living has skyrocketed since I discovered the paradigm shift!
Ironically, I have written about the concepts in the above paragraph in my past posts in some form. Although I wrote about them, I struggled a bit putting them into practice. It's not always easy to do. It took time and trail and error for me to get to a point where things started to really click for me. An athlete does not become a pro overnight. It takes many years and thousands of hours of practice and repetition to build the skills and acquire the knowledge and experience to perform at a high level. The same is true as you move along the WLM journey. I can easily tell you that making the paradigm shift will make everything come together so perfectly in the WLM and be life changing but you're not going to be able to do it effectively without first going through your own WLM journey of trial and error to build your leadership and domination skills.
-Mz Kaylee
MsKaylee, this is simply outstanding and describes in easy to understand terms, the difference between a WLM (mature) that exists to genuinely provide the wife cherished wife with a beautiful, pleasurable life in all aspects of their marriage, and .... a WLM (not seasoned) wherein the wife is merely a fetish peddler for her husband.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing your words and your wisdom
Yes, but I would caution against labeling as one or the other. There are many variations in between. The successful WLMs are the ones that can progress over time towards the mature state. IF you land somewhere in the middle then I think you are doing pretty good.
DeleteThis really hits home, as I've written before that my submission to my wife transitioned from fantasy to reality when I saw, and felt my role gradually and then quickly transform from "husband" to essentially, maid. However, one thing I learned was that my wife did not want to feel overly burdened by the management aspect, and that although I enjoyed it from a sexual standpoint, she found the discipline/punishment aspect to be tiresome. So I had to find pleasure not so much in her exerting her dominance, but by proactively meeting and anticipating her needs. It's worked for us, to such a degree that she feels comfortable "letting me" clean for her friends (this weekend, for instance, she's at a cabin with two women while my Saturday/Sunday will be at each friend's house, respectively).
ReplyDeleteFantastic! A great example of adjusting to make things work and making the most of what your wife has to offer. That is so important.
DeleteYes Mz Kaylee, obedience, submission, and being responsible for most of the housework is important for men in FLR relationships. Even in vanilla relationships. But what about passion, desire, romance and fun?
ReplyDeleteAbsolutely. If there is no passion, desire, romance, and fun then there is no point to all of this. In our case the WLM approach has intensified all those traits to levels that we never imagined before.
DeleteJust watching Her flaunt Her mental/emotional superiority is intimidating & exciting. Before the “Whipping Wednesday “ session i was asked “whip, cane or flogger?” Like a dunce i replied “I don’t know Mistress “...only to hear; “oh, that wasn’t one of the choices. That means you get all three slave..” As males we can’t even follow simple requests. Is it any wonder our Female Superiors have to be so strict with us?
ReplyDeleteGlad you both seem to have fun with the whole D/s experience.
DeleteNot that much fun sometimes...but satisfying..
DeleteI like that way your Mistress thinks :)
DeleteAgreed. I think my wife found a balance of how she likes to be dominant but not let it become work- or only to do so to feel dominant. I'm sure others express it more aggressively but the dynamic works well for us.
ReplyDeleteFinding the balance is often the hard part. It's great that she found it. In WLM, the balance can changes over time as the wife becomes more comfortable in her role as leader and the husband learns the right ways to satisfy and support her.
DeleteDear Mz Kaylee,
ReplyDeleteI experienced the paradigm shift you so eloquently describe some time ago now, to the extent that almost all of my pleasure comes from my wife's pleasure. To share in her orgasm has become a rich source of contentment as I hardly ever have any orgasms at all. The bottom line is that she is no longer really interested in my male bits and bobs. That might signal the end of most relationships, but I am so devoted to her that I will do anything that makes her life better, happier and which keeps us together. We are at that stage in life where my wife is going through the menopause so it is 100% important that I support her through this. That means if she doesn't feel like sex for a month, two months, I will be there to take care of her in other ways. For instance, she loves being stroked all over her body and face in the mornings. It gives me such pleasure to do that but I never suggest that it becomes more sexual. That is her prerogative. It is of course super exciting when I am instructed to go down between her legs and lick her to an orgasm. As you so beautifully write "He savors every moment between her legs and the long lasting arousal that he experiences afterward is a thrilling high for him." I do indeed savour every moment between her legs and sometimes I am allowed to stay down there long after she has finished and is dozing away! Lucky me! For many years now there has never been any expectation that it would be followed by an orgasm for me. Indeed, the word blowjob in our house is me licking her to an orgasm as it never happens the other way around. I do wear a cage as we see it more like a wedding ring for me. Almost all of my 'releases' come while caged. After about four or five weeks, the cage ring will rub on the underside of my groin and the pressure will release the stored up semen. My wife sees it as the perfect ruined orgasm as I do not lose any of my submission towards her. In most ways our life is relatively normal. I work from home so we share the chores and cooking and although we went through a phase of spanking to reinforce obedience, that obedience now comes naturally. In one way she does pander to me. I have always been a Crossdresser since my earliest memories but although my wife is not totally comfortable with it, she does allow me to wear knickers and tights under male clothes! The paradigm shift also includes no pornography. We have a iPad where only my wife has the password and where I am only allowed on one site which is very tame and with very limited nudity. I am also allowed to look at blogs like yours which I share with my wife. Most days I am allowed to 'tickle my cage' for about half an hour in the morning! This is our new normal. I guess many people would look at me and think poor bloke, but we are both very happy and deeply in love with each other and I'm pretty sure we always will be.
SIssy Jenna (my fantasy name!)
Beautiful. I would guess that you are much happier than those people who you think may look down on you. Those who do not experience the bliss of the lifestyle will never understand. Thank you for sharing.
DeleteI also have seen the the "shift" in our WLM. Sarah went through several stages to get to the point we are now, as did I. When we started out she really participated because it was something I wanted. We went several years with her testing me I think just to see how far I was willing to go with it. As she pushed limits and I responded in positive ways she got to the stage of embracing the lifestyle. The shift came about a year ago into what was then a ten year WLM. She went from embracing her power to demanding I comply with her wishes. When you mentioned you had to stop looking at your husband as a traditional husband I thinks this really hit home with me. I often feel like a well behaved child to my wife now. I think in my case the paradigm shift came when reality actually surpassed fantasy. The latest step has been continuous cage wear. something I never saw coming even in my wildest fantasies. At this point submissive isn't good enough, she wants me meek and demure and she gets that with the cage. When you get to the point of the shift and realize this is all real it is mind blowing. Great topic- Alan
ReplyDeleteThat's very exciting Alan. The child analogy is spot on. The other day I was reprimanding my husband and I felt like a mother reprimanding her child. I am sure he felt like a child as well. It's a bit crazy but it's just how it all works.
DeleteI am strong willed so I need a strict, dominant woman who believes in the superiority and authority of women over men. A Goddess who will keep me on the straight and narrow path of submission and obedience to her and all women. She will be my Teacher and Disciplinarian. I will need physical discipline when I am disobedient, teaching, training, orgasm control and probably humiliation too. Probably lots of it in the beginning. It will require effort, time and patience on her part, but I really do want to please her to the best of my abilities. She will be my Goddess and Mistress and I will obey her decisions and commands. And I am a quick learner with good teaching/training and proper motivation.
ReplyDeleteFrank - there are many dominatrix and online mistresses who can provide that for you for the right price :). If you want a real relationship then do not define your mistress before you even meet her. She will never live up to your expectations. That's a trap that too many guys fall into.
DeleteI trust your advice, Mz Kaylee. Thank you. My Goddess will define the relationship. I can only offer suggestions when asked.
DeleteGreat article! This topic really resonated with me. We are still new (2 years) in our FLR and the paradigm shift has not yet happened for either of us. D/s is still fairly new to me. My partner has fantasized about female domination for most of his life and I suspect that the reality of it, for him, is VERY different from what he has fantasized. It's not easy work to satisfy a Queen and he admits that isn't ready to dedicate himself 100% to me. Mz Kaylee is right that is takes time for this type of relationship to mature. In fact, it's very slow going and I'm a bit impatient because I want my needs to be his top priority right now! I want him to be thinking of me in everything he does and putting my needs ahead of his own. I believe he thinks he already does, but he definitely doesn't. I'm still wondering how much I need to satisfy his fetishes (i.e., spanking) to get him to make the shift. I don't want a mindless slave. I want a productive, attentive partner and companion. I don't want a perpetual child who I have to continually discipline to get what I want. I suspect I need to be more forceful or demanding with him, but I am also a "pleaser" and I struggle with that type of dominance. I definitely need to change the way I give him direction and feedback, because he gets defensive rather than apologetic and compliant. Perhaps my paradigm shift will come when I am able to change the way I see men in general (as inferior to me). I am constantly trying to figure out the next steps for our FLR. It is not easy. It will take more work, from both of us, for our FLR to mature and to finally realize the paradigm shift. I am eager to get there! Thank you Mz Kaylee for sharing your wisdom.
ReplyDelete-Lady Di
I love that you shared the above comment Lady Di! What you describe is perfectly normal and it is good for both guys and other women to hear this and to understand the woman's perspective. My advice to you is don't focus too much on the paradigm shift. It's a great thing to strive for down the road but for now experiment with different things and find out what works for both of you. Have fun with it too. Don't try to solve everything at once. Take it one step at time. I actually find it fun (and easier to manage) to do slow drawn out transformations with my husband. For example, it took several years to transition all the chores to him. Sometimes, he does not even realize it's happening until he's 1/2 though it. lol! Good luck and I hope to hear more from you.
DeleteLady Di, you are in a unique position as most of the time it is the male pushing things forward and wait for the wife to catch up. I found things moved much fast as my wife started do the pushing. It is a little overwhelming, from a male perspective, when things start going in a different direction that your fantasies have taken you. In the end there is probably no substitute for time. It takes a lot of time to built up trust with an other person.
DeleteTwo things helped us tremendously. One was sessions where she would set me down tell me to just listen and she would lay out rules and how things were going to be. When she was done she would give me a chance to respond. Often somethings were not to my liking and we would work it out. Often times it would be "well I'm sorry you feel that way. but it's how I want it". Second if I read something on "Thinktank" that I thought would help her understand this dynamic I would copy and paste it and leave it on the desktop of her computer. Sometimes it would be months before I would realize that she had incorporated it into our relationship. It's the reason that my WLM mirrors Mz Kaylees in may ways. We learned it here. Take your time and things will come together, I'm sure.-Alan
Alan, Yes, my partner is very careful not to push me with regard to our FLR. FLR is something we have discussed since our first date, and he has been open with me about his desire for it and he has been patient with me as I learn about the D/s lifestyle. He has always said that I am the boss and that the things we do are my choice, which I appreciate very much. It takes a lot of pressure off of me.
DeleteI'm learning that to have the kind of trust and intimacy needed for things to work well in an FLR/WLM takes time. I shouldn't rush it (not always easy to do). In the meantime, we are enjoying our rituals and trying new things and figuring out what things excite each other. We both love T&D and I'm learning how long he can go without an orgasm before he gets overly excited and needs a release. Personally, I still enjoy intercourse so he's a lucky submissive. Thanks Alan and Mz Kaylee for your advice.
Lady Di
One thing we don’t cover much is being loaned out..i know for me it was traumatic the first time..i know Mistress knows best. i know She has the right to earn more income on my labor ( or free produce). Admittedly my mind is weak & simple compared to Hers which is why i reacted so badly the first time. The first night (Friday)Mistress Deanna walked past my cage and said, “I told you your Owner will be here Sunday night. Now stop crying or I’ll yank u out of there & give you something to cry about “...I quickly calmed down b/c I know better than to anger Mistress Deanna. Ever since i’ve gotten a tag on my collar and it’s helped to calm me down..
ReplyDeleteMaybe Mz Kaylee can touch on this soon. I know I've been getting more comfortable with the concept, as the majority of my weekends now are spent cleaning homes of my wives friends while they have "girl's day/nights." My wife and her friends sort of downplay it, never explicitly mentioning my submission, or even acknowledging what's happening. My wife made a point early on that I was to be as careful and attentive to whatever they needed done as I would be with her, and so far no complaints (thankfully). I think my wife appreciates the time she gets to spend with them, and I think they appreciate all the work I do.
DeleteHey Tim,
ReplyDeleteI always thought you and your wife always implied some sexual implication being loaned out :). . Any truth to that?
Mike, no sex involved, she would never allow that. For the time being the other woman aren't even around, like I said they are usually off with my wife for the day/evening while I'm working. It mainly started off as outdoor work, but as quickly shifted to include indoor jobs, cleaning, sorting, dusting, vacuuming, scrubbing, etc.
DeleteDo you ever steal anything from their panty drawer?
DeleteNo, the consequences would be terrible I would imagine. In fact I've noticed I'm never tasked with "intimate" laundry like that, although shoes have certainly been fair game. I spent about 3-4 hours on a beautiful Sunday last week cleaning and arranging her friend's "shoe room" for instance, and that meant the shoes themselves too.
DeleteYes Tim, I imagine the consequences would be bad. LOL If I did do it, I would never admit it.
DeleteNothing is sexier than a beautiful woman in high heels, nylon stockings and a garter belt. If a Goddess wears that for me then I will obey her every command. Beg, kneel, jump, kiss, caress, massage, or do any chores. I cannot resist her authority and superiority.
ReplyDelete