So you want your wife or girlfriend to dominate you...what do you do next? The questions comes up often on my blog, how do I get my wife or girlfriend to dominate me?
The biggest mistake that most guys make when asking their wife to dominate them is to make it all about themselves. “I want to you to dominate me…..I want you to control my orgasms…..I will do whatever you want.” Guys just assume the wife is going to enjoy dominating them. There are two major problems with this approach: 1) Your wife probably does not know what it means to dominate you, and 2) Most women do not get the same pleasure out of domination that guys get out of being dominated. Therefore there is little motivation for her to want to do it. She may agree to do it initially to appease you or for fun but she will have little reason to make it a regular thing.
If you are serious about wanting to be submissive to your wife or girlfriend then you have to think about how it will benefit her. What is she going to get out of it? Saying “I will do anything for you” is too generic. Think about specific things that she likes or would enjoy. Also what are things she hates to do or things that make her unhappy?
Once you make a list of all the likes and dislikes, put some thought into how you can make her life better by giving her more of the things she likes and removing the things she dislikes. This is going to require sacrifice on your part. You are going to have to work for her and give up some of your time to make her happy. You may need to do things you don’t like, such as committing to cleaning the bathroom. However, in return you are going to get the domination you crave. Do you see how this works? It is a bit of a negotiation. You need to make it worth her while and then develop a sales pitch to get her onboard.
What’s even better is to act on your plan before you give her the sales pitch. It’s like the free trial tactic. How many of us have gotten hooked onto something because of trying the free trial? Hulu is one that got me! My husband used this tactic on me and I guess it worked because here we are 20 years later in a full blown WLM. I love to be pampered and so he started offering to give me foot massages at night and he even offered to bathe me. At the time this was very uncharacteristic of him to suggest these things but I certainly loved it. When he finally approached me about being dominate to him, I was not completely surprised because I knew something was up with the way he had been acting. I liked what he was doing so it made it easy for me to agree to take on the domination, knowing that I could get endless pampering from him.
The second thing my husband did was to provide me with information on how to be dominant. In that first conversation he explained some of it to me and provided me with an article or two to read. A few weeks later he bought me Elise Sutton’s book, ‘Female Domination, An Exploration of the Male Desire for Loving Female Authority.” This information was helpful for me to understand his submissive desires and to learn how to be dominant. My husband did a good job at presenting me with the right amount of information. It’s a little overwhelming and confusing for women to learn about the concept of domination. I do not recommend that you unload all your submissive desires and kinks all at once or that you give her tons of information to read right away. This could intimidate your wife or girlfriend or even turn her off to the idea. Start off with things that you think will resonate with her and over time work your way up to the more kinkier hard core things. Everyone is different so pay attention to her reactions. Certainly if she is excited about the idea, and is having a blast with domination then you can move at a quicker pace.
It’s also ok to admit that it is a little crazy and that you are not sure why you like it but for some reason it excites you. This honesty can put her at ease. When my husband gave me the articles and book he told me some of it was going to sound extreme and that he was not expecting me to do it all. This helped me be open to reading the information. I know now that he would have easily jumped at the chance to do the extreme stuff but he was smart by holding back and taking baby steps with me because I was not ready to dive right into extreme domination.
For many women it takes time and learning to understand the benefits of being dominant and how to be dominant. The submissive husband needs to be supportive, patient, and lovingly persistent with his wife as she learns how to be dominant. This is not always easy to do because of the large gap between what the submissive desires and the wife’s inexperience with being dominant. The submissive has spent most of his life fantasizing about being dominated. He has spun up thousands of scenarios in his mind, which have formulated his ideal way to be dominated. Now, enter his wife who is completely new to domination. She may surprise him and totally blow his mind with a night of exciting domination. If that’s the way it plays out then great- you are heading down right path. However there is a good chance her dominance will not live up to the submissive’s expectations. I would guess the first few sessions would be very exciting for the couple because it is new fun. It is when you get past the initial honeymoon phase that the disappointment sets in. That’s when the submissive can easily fall into the trap of constantly criticizing the wife’s dominance and asking her to do more. This can quickly demotivate her.
Instead of criticizing her or constantly asking her to do more, the submissive should celebrate small achievements in her dominance and encourage her to explore more. For example, if she was strict but not strict enough, sometimes it’s better to say ‘thank you for being strict with me’ rather than saying ‘you should be more strict with me.’ This reassures her that it is ok to be strict and builds her confidence to be more strict in the future. You are celebrating the fact that she took the step to exert control over you. Give her time to build her confidence. If after awhile she does not change, then have the conversation with her about being more strict. The key point here is to create an environment of support and encouragement instead of constant criticism and asking for more.
Hopefully I’ve given you some ideas on how to inspire your wife to try out the WLM approach. What is your sales pitch going to be? For those of you already in a WLM, if you had to start all over again, what would your sales pitch be? Feel free to share so that others can learn or to get feedback on how it sounds.
-Mz Kaylee
This is all very wise. It's important for husbands to understand that this is a long-term project for you both.
ReplyDeleteFor us, we started with the Tantric/Karezza/Devotional Sex aspects of male orgasm control, first by me, but then over time by her.
As we both grew, I wanted more control and she began to understand more about my thinking.
When I wanted to add domestic discipline, I wrote up a couple of letters to her, summarizing my favorite FLR sites (FemdomThinkTank, of course, and Disciplined Hubbies, Married Woman's Guide, Real Women Don't do Housework, Worshipping Your Wife) and editing it so it applied perfectly to us - with only the 'good stuff' that I knew she'd understand, and that I craved.
Soon after that, the spankings began! But it has been a ten-year process. Enjoy the journey,
CK
Yes, definitely a process and journey, and it never ends! Thank you for sharing what worked for you. Providing resources for her to read is a great move. Hearing things from other people is a great way to learn and reinforce the concepts.
DeleteDear Ms. Kaylee, Thank you so much for this post and your continued dedication to helping submissive males like me better serve our wonderful and superior Women. Since Elise Sutton stepped aside, I believe you have become the primary spokesperson for Loving Female Authority on the web.
ReplyDeleteThis post about carefully presenting a “sales pitch” to our Wives about controlling and dominating us (as we need) hit home to me since I dramatically failed in my first several attempts. Looking back, I now can see that they were not only clumsy, but were selfish and were focused around my sexual fantasies and had little to do with true submission – which I have only come to understand in the wisdom of mhy later years.
Once I began to truly listen to Her, I understood that what She wanted from me was not just a man to do the chores (although She does love that), She wanted me to take the time to listen to Her, see and accept Her point of view on things, not argue, and truly cherish Her – especially in front of our friends. I have had to learn that submission does mean putting Her first, even when I disagree, demonstrating to Her that She is my Queen outside of the bedroom and in front of others, and making sure that her sexual needs come first. I have learned to take immense joy in my submission to Her.
The “sales pitch” that eventually worked was to tell Her that I believed that She was better at running the house and making decisions that I was and that rather than debate what should be done I wondered if we could experiment, for a month, Her simply being in charge. She agreed, and I made every effort to make sure things went well. She liked it very much, and at the end of the month we agreed to continue with Her overseeing the house. I asked for two things in return: 1) That she take charge of my orgasms and begin to use them as rewards (a new concept to Her that led to some lengthy discussion), and 2) That she ollow me to kiss Her ass each morning to “keep me focused.”
To be honest, She thought both requests were strange (and funny), but She agreed, because, She said, She loved how good things had been going between us. That was now several years ago. I still start every day by kissing Her ass, She still manages (and limits) my orgasms, and She is still in charge of the house. We are much, much closer, and we’ve been able to talk about how much this means to me (and why I like it. She does not allow me penetrative sex, but She does reward me in other ways and lets me give Her pleasure. I am a very happy submissive and now kept in panties. Nancy
Nancy- I hope other submissive guys read your comment because there is so much to learn from the experiences and learnings you shared. Many guys have failed attempts for the same reasons you described. I am happy to hear that you were able to redirect and be successful in convincing your wife. Everything you described about listening, putting her first, etc. is fantastic advice for others. I asked readers to share their sales pitch, and you did. Thank you for responding! I hope others will share their pitch or what they are thinking would be a good pitch. Sounds like your pitch worked so great job!
DeleteRegarding Elise Sutton, I don't know if she was the one who coined the phrase "loving female authority," but I first heard it from her and it is something that resonated with me and still sticks with me today. It helped be put the concept of domination into a practical reality. Her books and writings inspired me and were a great source of education for WLM. I consider it a big compliment to be compared to her, so thank you for that :)
DeleteIt takes a long time to create a proper wife led marriage and it starts at the very beginning. You have to lose your male ego from the outset. I treated my wife like a queen in everyday life and as far as sex was concerned I always made sure she was satisfied orally first. But instead of expecting something in return straight away I would move on to massaging and stroking her and she would often fall asleep. She would apologise that I hadn't had any pleasure but I would always tell her that I got huge pleasure out of her pleasure and that I didn't need an orgasm to feel satisfied. I think it is important for the man to know that he can go without an orgasm for extended periods, especially when it actually comes to wearing a cage later on.
ReplyDeleteSissy Jenna
Thank you for sharing this insight. It's often hard for women to understand that a man can be satisfied and even aroused simply from seeing her be aroused and satisfied, and that he does not need to always orgasm to be happy. It's something that took me awhile to understand but now I know that when I have an orgasm and tell him that I am don with him, it excites him even more. I hope other women read your comment and learn from it!
DeleteI do worry when I read stories of men suddenly trying to thrusti this lifestyle on their partners when everything before has been very vanilla. Even with me my wife didn't initially see my behaviour as submissive, just very considerate! It took a number of years before my life in a chastity cage started. And there are some areas where you need to resign yourself to the fact that it won't happen. I would love to spend my days in a maids outfit but I know that will never happen as my wife is just not comfortable seeing me dressed up. I take my comfort that she allows me to wear panties and tights under my male clothes. My advice would always be "slowly, slowly". If you really love your wife, always judge carefully what she will be comfortable with and let her set the pace. A wife led marriage is a wonderful thing. I am not a doormat and she loves my sense of humour, but we haven't had an argument for over 20 years. What's not to like? Sissy Jenna
DeleteAgree. Slow is good. You need to have lots of patience and also gentle persistence.
Deletenever did a formal pitch, it was more her becoming more comfortable delegating tasks and ordering me how to do them. I think initially she kept thinking I'd eventually put my foot down, though as she put it once, it would have been hard of me to put my foot down given that I was always on my knees in one capacity or another. More recent benefits to her have come from assigning me tasks at other women's homes/apartments (single friends of hers) which has afforded her/them much more free time together.
ReplyDeleteTim, how did your WLM get started? Was it your idea, hers, or both?
DeleteMz. Kaylee,
ReplyDeleteHappy Holidays to you and your entire family. My husband gave me the sales pitch more than 12 years ago. I was reluctant, but Phil did the research, printed out materials, and sent me links to various sites. He pitched in more around the house and suddenly asked me if I was in agreement on a variety of things he had not asked about before. In addition to house projects getting done, Phil did them without complaint. Phil eventually suggested a chastity device and orgasm control and denial. What's not to like? He is happy, I'm in charge (he calls me Mistress Joan at certain times), and we have a great and sometimes kinky marriage. It doesn't take much to make Phil feel submissive, or reinforce his submissiveness. I did my own research too and implemented panties use (worn all the time, except if he sees his doctor), a chore schedule, and quite a list of rules. I implemented corner time, which Phil does a few nights a week. He stands in the corner until I am sleeping, then comes to bed quietly. He suggested a discipline procedure, which we follow on a bi-weekly basis. He must fully prepare for discipline with his head and privates shaved and wearing panties and a collar which I selected. My husband loves this. My only regret is that he didn't suggest it 30 years ago when we were first married. I wonder if he would have enjoyed orgasm denial then? If I have to punish him I do. He has been restrained in my bed and teased until he begged and howled for an orgasm. By the way, he will bid adieu go some of his orgasms in 2022. Frequent orgasms did not work for my husband, but I'm working out the details of a couple of "honeymoon periods" for him though the year so he can feel like a man and get a break. He works a very stressful job and needs some extra fun and downtime.
Enjoy the holidays!
Joan
Joan - sounds like an excellent progression in your marriage. What was your initial reaction when he suggested chastity and how did you go about selecting a device? Regarding the breaks in denial, most guys do not want a break from it. Feeling completely submissive is their stress reliever. However, when it comes to denial, I think giving a break makes it harder for them to get back to denial because they are out of their routine. To me, that is a good thing because it makes the teasing more fun. Thomas rarely gets orgasms anymore but every once in awhile I will give him 2 or three orgasms within a few weeks. This completely takes him off guard. Just as he starts to enjoy it, I go back to long-term denial and I notice that for awhile it becomes harder for him to refrain from orgasm when I tease. I like resetting him like this every so often.
DeleteIronically, the only formal conversation we ever had was a bit before we got engaged, when we started to realize that both of us had a lot of dominant sexual fantasies and that we'd need to accommodate one another for the sake of "fairness". We wrote a bunch of emails discussing "who got to be in charge of what", and set up mechanisms for deciding who would get to take the dominant role in sexual situations (e.g., the winner of a weekly game of Scrabble gets the loser as slave for a day, that sort of thing).
ReplyDeleteEverything after that just happened organically due to experimentation, and I feel grateful for that. There's a curious mixture of delight and horror that came from realizing just how much better the relationship was working (lower conflict, more erotic energy) when I made a conscious decisions to become more submissive and let my wife violate things I had previous regarded as hard limits. *Especially* horrifying/delightful to realize that orgasm control was so important to allowing me to accept a more submissive role on a 24/7 basis, and that those changes were steadily moving in only one direction. My pulse rate is literally rising just talking about it.
I'm pretty sure that if we had begun with some kind of conversation where she said, "You're going to do all the housework and give me your credit card -- but don't worry, you'll enjoy once I've eliminated all your orgasms", I would have been right out the door. It really needs to be experienced to be properly understood.
E Holly - I love the games that you played. I'm sure it was competitive in the beginning. It is no surprise to me that Femdom ultimately prevailed. :). Your experience would make a great erotic story!
ReplyDelete