Punishment Can Arouse - and Still Work (Guest Post by Trina)

Let me start by saying that It has been great to see an increase in comments on the blog and that there are new people commenting and more Females engaging in the conversations. I hope the activity in the comments continues to grow. Whether you are new to WLM or experienced, I encourage you to comment and share your experiences, questions or thoughts. The discussions in the comments often lead to great insights and ideas that others can apply to their own relationship. Hearing from others also helps to validate that WLM is real, is beneficial, and that you are not alone in your quest. Thank you all for your continued engagement.

Having said all that, I am very pleased to publish another post from a Female. In this post Trina, addresses an issue that I am sure many women new to WLM struggle with - "why punish if he gets aroused by it?" It is something that I questioned early in my relationship. A post like this would have helped me many years ago. Thank you Trina for sharing your insights and advice on this important topic. -Mz Kaylee

Punishment Can Arouse – and Still Work

By Trina

My husband is a spanko, so he loves everything about getting spanked except the severe pain during the spanking itself. And yet I effectively use spanking as a punishment, even though he is aroused immediately beforehand and soon afterwards – and he is aroused when he thinks about an upcoming punishment or one that has happened, either recently or long ago. 

Like most dominant wives, I initially believed that punishment needed to be completely separate from sexual activities or feelings, and I tried hard to make that happen. After all, if it turned him on to be punished, wouldn’t he act out on purpose in order to receive punishment? And wouldn’t that negatively impact our WLM/FLR? It certainly would seem so. But as I will explain, that has not turned out to be the case.

As a lifelong spanko, my husband had one basic need when we were dating and deciding whether to have a serious relationship: Spanking needed to be a regular part of any relationship for him. As a switch, he didn’t much care if he was the spanker or the spankee, as long as somebody went over somebody’s knee at least once a week. As a divorcee who had lived a vanilla life, I knew that I wanted to be dominant and use spanking to keep my husband in line. So I told him (and showed him) that I was going to be the spanker and he would need to be satisfied with that. I also told him that the spankings would not be play; they would be real punishment and I would expect them to work in terms of improving his behavior.

I was fearful that he would enjoy my punishment spankings, so I took steps to prevent that: I spanked him severely, to the point that only a true masochist could enjoy it. I forbid any sexual activity after a spanking. I stayed fully dressed during his spankings. I bared his bottom but did not let him be naked. I refused to spank him in our bedroom. I sometimes made him masturbate to completion beforehand so he couldn’t get an erection during the spankings and so the spankings would be more painful.

None of this worked. When I announced a spanking, he would have an instant erection. Yes, I would “spank him soft,” and he definitely would not be enjoying the punishment. But afterwards? He would be hard very soon and he would want to service me orally, which I wanted too but was refusing him in order to try to keep the punishment separate from sex.

At the same time, the punishments improved his behavior. Whatever I spanked him for, he made a renewed effort to obey my wishes. And he was not misbehaving on purpose in order to get punished. This seemed extremely paradoxical to me: How can spanking work as punishment when you love it so much? Punishment is something you should want to avoid, and that desire to avoid it is what improves your behavior. That is reasonable and logical … but not how my submissive male’s mind works.

At first he couldn’t really explain it when I tried to talk to him about it. He would just say, “I’m a spanko, I believe I was born a spanko, I’ve always been one and I will always be one, and that’s all I know.” But as we continued talking about it and I continued thinking about it, a glimmer of understanding began in my mind – helped by his response to other punishments and by our new program of orgasm denial.

As a spanko, he definitely did not care for other punishments: corner time, writing lines, forbidden to watch sports on TV, going to bed early, not sharing my bed, and the one he hates most: being grounded from going out with his buddies. And yet, when I announced any of these punishments he got the beginning of an erection, which he sometimes maintained during the punishment itself. Even when I did the thing he hates absolutely the most – made him call his buddies and tell them that his wife would not allow him to join them (as I listened and giggled) – he often would be hard throughout the phone call!

This was also demonstrated when we started a program of orgasm control. I had not planned on orgasm denial in my marriage. I quite enjoy sexual intercourse (PIV), and particularly mutual orgasm (on the rare occasions when it happened). I never wanted to give that up, and I had begun training him to try to wait for me and then to orgasm with me. He actually was quite good at lasting a long time. His issue was not coming too fast but that sometimes he had trouble maintaining his erection. That was a bit surprising to me for a man in his 30s (at the time) who claimed to find me so arousing. Then I found out why: He was looking at spanking porn and masturbating regularly! Even though I was spanking him weekly as he desired!

That infuriated me. I was deeply offended. He promised to stop, but he would always go back to it. It was truly an addiction, one that he had had since a teenager, and even getting regular spankings wasn’t enough to stop it. I told him it had to change. Eventually he suggested a chastity cage to me. I love his cock and didn’t want it locked away. But I agreed to try it.

Of course it worked for masturbation control. Without the ability to touch himself, he didn’t much care for looking at porn, either. Then we began to notice what many other wives on here have noticed: He enjoyed having his orgasms restricted, especially when I would tease and deny him. Since I have always liked playing with his cock, this became a mutual pleasure. Now I play with him quite regularly in the evenings when he is doing chores for me. I love getting him hard, then sending him off to do a chore, and then when he has to report for inspection seeing if he is still hard. I consider it a compliment to me that he is so aroused by my dominance that he can stay hard throughout a chore! Like other men on here, he says that being teased and denied and allowed very few orgasms is actually better sex than we he came whenever he wanted. A paradox … but one that is clearly proven by the behavior of our submissive husbands!

So, I finally realized a similar paradox: that punishment improved his behavior even though he was aroused by it. I saw that he was very aroused by me scolding him and issuing punishments – by me being dominant and “forcing” him to be submissive. So it wasn’t just spanking that turned him on; it was being controlled by a dominant wife. But that did not mean that the punishments were ineffective. On the contrary, the more I bossed him around, the more obedient he became. There was no way that he was not going to be turned on by punishment and my dominance. So why should I expect that?

It has taken me a while, but I actually have come to the conclusion that arousal can enhance the impact of punishment in terms of improving behavior. I know that may be a controversial conclusion that is different from many wife-led marriages, and I hope that other women will comment.
Trina