Taking over the Reins of Control Part III

Some things I touched on in my last post were that many women may be ready to dive into a FLR but it is not very intuitive for them; your husband thinks he knows what he wants in a FLR but probably does not. So what do you do now?  How do you move forward with a FLR and what should it look like.  Unfortunately, there is no one right answer but it is fun trying to figure it out. Some of you may be able to hit the ground running and everything works out just great.  However, I am willing to bet the vast majority of you will need some time to figure it out. It will take a lot of trial and error and may even take years to before you are comfortable with it.  The great thing is that it is something you can learn and I truly believe going through the process will make you a better person and will strengthen your marriage and relationship with you husband. For me, it has been a wonderful journey and the journey is still going.

There are not short-cuts.  It's like trying to teach kids how to play sports.  I played basketball when I was younger and so it is easy for me to tell my daughter all the things she needs to know about playing basketball.  However, the first time she got into a game she applied very little of what I told her. Why is that?  There are many reasons. Being told what to do and actually doing it, are two completely different things.  When she gets into the live game situation it's not easy remembering what to do, some thing may seem awkward so she decides not to do them out of embarrassment or fear or doing it wrong, or she just may not have the skill to do it.  Any of you who have followed your kids through sports, know that it takes years for them to develop the skill and knowledge to play the game right. It also takes a lot of practice, trial and error, and coaching.  The same concepts apply to building a FLR.

There is no one right answer for how to build and run your FLR.  It all depends on what your goals are and what you and your partner are comfortable with.  While I can't give you the answer, I can give you advice on how to go about developing and strengthening your FLR.  I recommend you approach it by doing three things:  1) Read about it, 2) talk about it, and 3) Try it.  These steps are re-iterative and in no particular order.  After being in a FLR for over 10 years, I still do those three things on a regular basis.  Below I will expand on each one.

Read about it  One of the awesome things about the Internet is there is a tremendous amount of information on just about any topic at your fingertips.  There are many blogs, websites, and forums dedicated to FLR's and controlling men or men submitting to women.  Spend a lot of time exploring these resources.  You will most certainly come across quite a bit of rubbish or "fantasy fodder" and that's ok.  You can laugh about it and move on.  The important thing is to read as much as you can and then hone in on the things that hit a chord with you.  Even some of the 'fantasy' stuff often have one or two good ideas mixed in that you can take away.   Take notes or save the ideas that interest you.  Even, if it is something that you don't want to try right away, file it for later.

To save you time, you can order your husband to do research for you and print out articles and blogs for you to read.  I do this with Thomas and it works well.  Trust me, your husband will love this assignment and will probably be horny and aroused from reading all the information. Chance are the first few topics you get are going to be things that he really wants, which gives you a quick glance into his mind and what he is thinking.  That's great intel for you. The only caution is that your husband may be filtering out information that that he does not want you to know about.   He may also inadvertently filter out something he thinks is not important, but to you it is important.  To minimize the risk of this, you can give him specific topics to research such as doing chores in a FLR, punishments, and finances in a FLR.  Those are some of the topics that he may be purposely filtering out.  However, I would recommend that initially you start broad and tell him to provide you with some articles about FLR.  Then see what he comes back with. As noted above, this will give you insight as to his focus and what he wants or thinks is important.  I would also recommend you do your own research so that you are seeing it all.  Make sure your husband provides you with links to the websites he is pulling information from. This way you can go back to the websites on your own and do further research.

As you read about the various topics, keep an open mind.  Don't be afraid to try something new or different.  Often time when you are in the heat of the moment, the silliest things suddenly become erotic and fun for you or your partner.  I had thought spanking was silly but the first time I tried it, it turned me on so much, I practically had an orgasm in the middle of it.  Sometime you may try something that seems like it will be erotic but it turns out to be more silly.  There have been many times where Thomas and I just burst out laughing in the middle of something new that we were trying.  You have to have fun with this and you should be comfortable laughing at yourself and with each other.  To me, these are the moments that bring you closer together.

Talk About It
Communication is very important.  If you are just starting a FLR, it's probably a good idea to probe him with questions about what he likes and what he expects from the FLR and even what his fantasies are.  It is particularly fun doing this why you are teasing him.  I find that Thomas's filters disappear when he is aroused and he will talk about anything and admit to some of his deepest secrets and fantasies.

Don't be afraid to run ideas by him of things you are thinking about trying to see how he reacts.  It's also fun to bring up things that seemed weird or strange to you.  You may be surprised at his reaction.  If you try something new, it is also good to talk about it afterward. I enjoy talking to Thomas the day after we do something to see how he felt about it.  I want to know what he liked the most, how it made him feel, and what drove him wild.  A good technique I use, which I find very effective, is to have him write a letter to me the next day with his thoughts.  Usually he is so thrilled and excited about what happened that he can not stop writing.  I have learned to give him a page limit.  The things he writes, helps reaffirm that I am doing the right things and gives me ideas and information on where to focus in the future. If you use this technique, make sure it is clear to him that he is to write about how he felt and what he liked.  He is not to write about what he wants you to do. 

When you are first starting out in a FLR, seeking his feedback will be extremely beneficial to you.  You will most likely find that his feedback is overwhelmingly positive and filled with excitement.  This reassures you that you are doing the right thing and is a big confidence builder for you. Often times, you will also discover that you think you are being tough on him but you really are not.  Submissive men tend to crave high levels of strictness and toughness.  His feedback will help you adjust to find a balance that works for both of you. Men - take note of this as well.  When your wife does something that you like, make sure you tell her and thank her for it and let her know you appreciate what she is doing for you. I encourage you write her letters.  Just make sure it is positive feedback and not about what you want. You can tell her that you loved what she did but also make sure you thank her for it.

The challenging part about talking, especially in the beginning, is getting to his true feelings and knowing what things to dismiss versus what things to consider.  He may reject something that he really likes, simply because he is embarrassed to admit that he likes it.  It is a good idea to be probing in your questions and to not be afraid to push or challenge what he says.  For example, you may ask do you like the idea of wearing panties?  If he says 'no'.  You could push a little further by asking things like Have you ever thought about it?  Would you be willing to try it? Are you sure, you seem to get aroused when I mention it? This probing will lead to good conversation and will help put him at ease.

It is important not to immediately dismiss any of his ideas or thoughts so as not to discourage him to be open with you. I have learned to avoid saying 'no' or 'never' when discussing our FLR and his ideas.   There are two reasons for this. First, I find that leaving the potential for something (hope) can be used to motivate him and is also fun for mind games.  Second, as you experiment with FLR you will go through a transformation and will discover new things about yourself.  Some ideas that are not appealing to you now,several years later may suddenly become desirable.

Also remember that you are in charge.  Just because he says something does not mean you have to agree to it or do it.  Men who are just discovering their submissive side, often are focused on all the kinky aspects and often try to lead you in that direction.  I don't fault them for this, because typically that is all they can relate to and that is how their mind is wired.  A FLR is so much more than just satisfying their kinky desires.  It is your job as the leader, to redirect their focus to you and to a more holistic approach to FLR.  Just like they are trying to get you to open up to the idea of controlling them, you have to get them to open up to the idea that a FLR is more than just kink and that their focus needs to be on satisfying and serving you.   Men - this an important concept. Your relationship will become so much more fulfilling and exciting if you can make this shift in perspective.  Pleasing and serving her should be your focus.

Try It
This is the easy and fun part.  Try and experiment with things. Learn from it.  Not everything will work as planned and that is fine.  Get rid of the things that did not work or look to improve them.  Hold on to the things that did work.  As I mentioned previously, I encourage you to try new things and try things that are outside you comfort zone or may seem silly to you.  If your husband suggests something that seems weird to you, why not try it?  Now I know some guys can get a little crazy with their thoughts.  Obviously you have to apply some sensibility to what you are willing to try.  You need to make sure it is safe and within your morals. You need to weigh the risk of possible consequences to your relationship or if it could impact others.  For example, cuckolding is not something you would want to jump into without some serious thought. Most things he wants to do are probably harmless fun.  Give t a try and see how it turns out.  Make sure you try things that you want to do as well,  If he is resistant, try bringing it up while teasing him. Persuasion with Female power is hard to resist.

Remember these steps can be done in any order and should be done continually.  Don't stop experimenting and learning.  That's the fun of it all.

-Mz Kaylee.

Follow-up on Taking over the Reins of Control

One of the things I like the most about Sandra's point of view (from my last post) is the celebration of her husband's submission. I completely agree that a man's submission is something to be excited about. My husbands submission is an awesome gift to me. It is incredible how much he cares for me, loves me, and wants to please me.  That is what makes him a strong man and amazing husband. We have a fantastic relationship.  It is quite astonishing to me how many of my friends, family, and acquaintances have experienced divorce.  I think I know more people who have been divorced than those who are happily married.  After many years of marriage, it still feels like the honeymoon to me and the idea of divorce is so foreign to me.  I attribute a huge amount of that to our FLR.  That is the end of my promo for FLR :)

The point I am trying to make is that a husband's submission is a good thing and you should be thrilled (not concerned) if he expresses an interest in it. It presents a tremendous opportunity for you to impact your marriage and your own personal life in a positive way. Your husband is the clay and now you get to mold him anyway you want.  How exciting is that!  So if you are in a situation where your husband brings up the idea of submission or orgasm denial, what do you do? It can be a very confusing and uncomfortable topic. The best thing you can do initially is listen to what he has to say and talk about it with him.  If he is bringing up the topic with you, chances are it has been festering inside him for months and probably even years.  Try to understand what exactly he is asking for. Ask lots of questions.  Do not make any judgments.  Just take it all in. He will love that you are showing interest. Be sure to thank him for opening up to you and tell him that you are glad he brought this to your attention.  This is a huge gesture that will go a long way with building trust with your husband.  Let him know that you are open to the idea and want to try it but need to think about it more.

For most people in this situation, it is not like flipping a switch and suddenly you are dominant and have a great FLR.  Chances are both the wife and husband do not know exactly what they want or need to do.  I find that guys think they know what they want, but they truly don't understand their submissive desires.  For them, the focus tends to be all about their kinks and the typical idea of femdom with whips and leather.  While this is fun, it is short-term and is not fulfilling.  It will spice up your relationship but will lack the other benefits of a FLR such as better communication and building a stronger, deeper connection with your spouse. It also puts all the work on you as the dominant partner, and that is not the purpose of a FLR.  A big part of your job as the leader will be redirecting his attention to serving you and focusing on your needs and not his desires.  This does not mean you ignore his desires.  It is primarily a paradigm shift in thinking.  He needs to embrace his submission and focus on serving and worshipping you.  You will use his desires and kinks to guide him in that direction.  Once this change in thinking occurs, great things will happen.

I will continue this topic in my next post.  I welcome comments on this topic from both men and women.  I am always interested to hear whether your own experiences reaffirm what I am talking about or maybe you have had an experience that is complete opposite.  I am a strong believer that sharing experiences, helps others connect with the concept and understand that FLR is real, achievable, and a great thing.

-MzKaylee

Taking Over the Reins of Control in Your Marraige- Female Led Marraige

This post is directed towards women who are  discovering or new to the concept of Female Led Relationship/Marriage (FLR/FLM).  Perhaps you have been trying it for awhile and are still trying to figure out things, or maybe your husband has suggested the idea to you, or maybe you are just learning about it.  Whatever the reason, I hope this post helps guide you in the right direction.

One of the most challenging things for many women who are new to FLR, is understanding the dynamic and how they should act.  When a husband is the one that introduces the concept, it is not uncommon for the wife to have confusing thoughts and wonder if it will make him weak.  Let me clear that up right away.  Submission does not equal weak.  In fact, my opinion is that he is a bigger man than most others for opening up to you about this topic. My husband is submissive but he is strong and confident and he treats me like a Goddess.  It is a great thing! 

FLR can be very confusing at first.  For many women it is not intuitive.  Who would think that denying a man orgasm would be a good thing and that he would actually enjoy it?  Is it common sense that a man wants his wife to be strict with him and wants to be punished if he does something wrong?  To me, it makes perfect sense but for someone just discovering FLR, this is probably a bizarre concept.  This confusion causes uncertainty on what to do, resulting in the wife being passive and unsure in her actions.  For the submissive husband it causes frustration and disappointment.  If you scour forums and blogs, there are endless posts and comments from men who are craving control form their wives and they just can't figure out how to get their wives to control them.  If you are in this situation, I want you to know that it is normal and common. 

The good news is these are not strong barriers and they can be overcome.  I will expand on this topic more in future posts.  For now I would like to share a comment that was posted on the Femdom101 blog by one of the readers of the blog. Sandra has been grateful enough to give permission for me to post her comment. Sandra provides a wonderful perspective on why women should embrace FLR with their husband. When you read her comment, pay special attention to her attitude towards submissive men as well as her insights into how men feel about submission.



From Femdom101Things your momma never taught Oct 6th..

Sandra said...

"Submissive men have a need to serve, they want to be trained, held accountable and punished for their mistakes. This is all part of having a female authority in their lives. And they need the relationship to be real, not some game, something she does just to please him. But men and women think differently and women have a hard time, especially in the begining, understanding the needs of a submissive man. They tend project their own feelings and their way of thinking into the situation. No matter what they have said, when it comes right down to it. Too many women see themselves as mean, selfish, arrogant and cruel. So they struggle to take on the role of the female authority in a femdom marriage. I've seen this many times, the man tries to express his needs and his wife only hears that he needs some kinky desires met. And that he wants her to participate in a lifestyle and activities she is very uncomfortable with. Women in this situation usually convince themselves that their men will eventually get over it and get back to normal. They deny the reality of the situation because they don't understand it and because it makes them uncomfortable. They don't realize that a submissive man needs to serve and that he would rather serve his wife most of all. But if that is not available for whatever reason, he will serve a woman outside of his relationship. The need to serve is too strong to be denied for long.

Knowing this, the ladies in my femdom circle allow the men to serve in every way possible. We are not being mean or selfish or cruel, instead we are giving our men the gift of servitude. Which just happens to be exactly what they want and need. Depriving them of this because we may not understand, that would be the selfish thing to do. Only when we finally understand submissive men. Do we see just how much they love us and need our leadership and authority in their lives.

When my group gets together, depending on the reason. We allow some or all of the men to join us. If we are getting together for a private, women only conversation.
Then the hostess will have her slave serve the food and drinks before assigning him several outdoor chores. Or she may leash, then lead him to a back room where he will do corner time until we are through. This keeps our conversations private and gives her slave a chance to serve and sacrifice for his mistress and the other ladies. If the gathering is more social, just to enjoy some quality time together. But we still want it to be more of a women only thing. Then one or two of the men are allowed to serve. They are allowed to stay in the room ready to wait on any of the ladies hand and foot as needed. And when not serving they stand at attention, close by but still out of the way. Usually we post one man on the left at one end of the room and the other one on the right on the other end. Making sure that they stand looking at the wall opposite them and not directly at the women. When we plan one of these. Usually the men will beg their mistress to be chosen for service that day.

If the gathering is a celebration of our lifestyle, then all the men are present. And depending on our plans they serve in several different ways. These are not wild, unbridled femdom parties as many may think. But rules, protocols and the pure enjoyment of the femdom lifestyle is definitely on display. Enjoyed as much by the men as by the women.

This is not kink or over the top Internet nonsense. It is the gathering of a group of women that understand submissive male needs. Everything we do is carefully planned to provide our men with what they need as submissive males. We love our husbands and want nothing but the best for them and for our marriages. But we've chosen a lifestyle that to an outsider looks totally different from what it truly is. There is a lot to take in and a lot to understand, it takes work, dedication and commitment. But the rewards are great and none of us, not the women or the men would ever go back to a vanilla existence."

 

Rituals

Thank you all who commented on my last blog.  I am happy to see people sharing their thoughts and experiences.  This post is in response to the comments.   Many of you commented on how you have daily rituals.  Rituals are a wonderful part of a FLR and rituals help keep the sub in a submissive and obedient state of mind.  I particularly like the following statement from an anonymous commenter in regards to a ritual of kissing her feet:

"she told me that at first this made her uncomfortable, then she thought it was "sweet," then she came to expect it!"

A very insightful statement and it probably rings true for many people who are just starting with FLR.  Rituals and other actions related to a FLR will probably feel uncomfortable or even silly when you try them for the first time.  Sometimes just the idea seems silly.  However, this should not stop you from trying them.  In the heat of the moment, silly things can become very hot!  Rituals may seem uncomfortable or silly to both the Female and male at first.  But each time the ritual is performed, it becomes less silly and more meaningful.  As the comment above implies, eventually it becomes a meaningful part of what you do. Through repetition the ritual can have a long term effect the submissive's mind, attitude, and behavior.  The fact that several of you commented on rituals on my post about 'Psycological aspects of FLR' further support this statement.

I find that rituals are even more impactful when you connect specific thoughts or symbolism to the ritual.  For example, when Thomas kisses any part of my body, he knows it is a form of worship and obedience.  He knows this because I trained him over and over again that he is worshipping me when he kisses my feet, my legs, etc.  Early in his training, I had him say I worship and obey you every time he kissed my body. Now it is ingrained in his head that he is worshipping and obeying whenever he kisses my body.  If I command him to worship my feet, he will instantly kiss them.

For any couple starting out in FLR, I highly recommend some type of daily or regular worship ritual where the sub kneels before his dominant partner, kisses her feet, and recites a mantra such as "I worship and obey you. Thank your for being a wonderful Goddess to me. Please teach and mold me to be your perfect servant."  This ritual will help the submissive mentally transition into a true submissive role in the relationship. When starting out in a FLR, it often feels more like fantasy than reality.  Both the submissive and the dominant may just be going through the motions to satisfy each other or a desire within.  On the surface the FLR is in place, but when you dig deeper the submissive still has some sense of control.  The worship ritual will mentally change his thinking and add reality to his submissiveness towards you. 

As discussed above, the first time the ritual is performed it might be uncomfortable for both of you.  You may even laugh and that is fine. FLR is not all serous. Laughter is good. However, as the ritual is performed over and over again, the words sink in and take a deeper meaning for the submissive.  Through repetition he begins to truly worship you and want to obey you.  You become a Goddess to him and he is open to be trained by you.  The ritual brings reality to his submission and increases the dominants control over him.

Rituals have other purposes as well.  A nice benefit of rituals is once a ritual is established, the submissive knows exactly what to do. The Dominant partner does not have to worry about giving commands (unless they are part of the ritual) or telling the submissive what to do.  We have a bath ritual that I just love.  With the kids being older it does not happen often, but when it does, Thomas knows exactly what to do and I can just relax and be pampered.  I just have to whisper to him, "get my bath ready."  He immediately goes into action, lighting candles, running my bath water and adding bubble bath.  He brings an extra fluffy towel and my robe into the bathroom. He knows I like my bath water on the hot side.  He knows to shut the bathroom door so the room is warm and smells of the bubble bath scent when I walk in.  When I enter, he is always naked and kneeling by the tub.  I enter the bath and lay back and relax.  He is to remain quiet and worship my body with his eyes while I relax. He knows that but sometimes I command him to worship my body just for the purpose of reinforcing my dominance over him. When I am ready, I order him to wash me.  Sometimes he will also shave my legs.  When the bath is over, I will stand outside the tub and he will dry me off.  I do not move.  I enjoy seeing him move all around me and bending down to dry me off.  He knows he has to do a great job at drying me before putting on my robe.  It is a great ritual that makes me feel like a true Goddess and also makes Thomas feel like a true servant to me.  We both enjoy this ritual and every time we do the bath ritual it reinforces my dominance over him and his submission to me.

I encourage you to incorporate rituals into your lifestyle. They can be daily, weekly, monthly or just done on command.  Connecting purposeful thoughts and symbolism to the ritual makes it more impactful and can mentally mold the submissive's long-term thoughts and perceptions in a positive way. Please feel free to comment on rituals that you do and whether or not they have affected your thinking or brought more meaning to your FLR.

Mz Kaylee.

Psycological aspects of a FLR

The psychological aspects of any relationship are important. I believe that psychology is an even bigger part of a female led relationship (FLR).  Psychology is the study of the mind and behavior, especially as a function of awareness, motivation, or feeling.  Whether your realize it or not, in a FLR, the female leader is actively engaging in techniques to affect the behavior and mind of the submissive.  For example, one of the most common techniques in a FLR is orgasm denial/control.  There are a many psychological impacts to both the sub and leader when orgasm denial/control is used.  The most obvious for the female is the sense of power and control.  For the submissive, it focuses his attention on her.  He knows that in order to get what he wants (an orgasm or sexual pleasure) he must first please her.  Therefore, satisfying her becomes his primary goal.

In a FLR the wife should be actively employing techniques to motivate and control her husband. By better understanding the psychology of men and how it relates to the dynamics of a relationship, the wife or female leader can better motivate her husband or submissive while at the same time gain more control over the relationship. Let me use a chess game as an example.  If two friends are playing chess and both have just a basic social interest in chess, then they most likely have equal odds of winning the game.  However, if one of those friends (Friend A) takes a bigger interest in the game of chess and begins to study the strategy behind chess, he will learn techniques to win the game.  He will learn to think ahead and make moves to lead his competitor into a no win position. The more Friend A studies and practices the strategy of chess, the more he increases his odds of winning and over time his friend will not be able to beat him.  As the female leader, you need to become Friend A and study and employ techniques to motivate and control your husband or submissive.

One person who understands this well is Lady Misato, who is the author of "Real Women Don't Do Housework."  With her permission, I have published an excerpt from her book below written by her which dives into the Psychology of a FLR.  I can attest that the techniques she describes are effective and do work.  I welcome discussion on this topic and encourage you to visit Lady Misato's website, which I have posted a link to in my favorite links section.

 Real Women Don’t Do Housework - Training 

An unconditioned stimulus is any biologically or naturally potent stimulus that elicits and unconditioned response. For the most part, we are interested here in using sex as an unconditioned stimulus including, obviously, intercourse but also virtually any sexual stimulation such as rubbing his crotch through his pants. The unconditioned responses, then, are arousal and orgasm.

A conditioned stimulus is any previously neutral stimulus that acquires potency through an association with an unconditioned stimulus. Lingerie, or more simply, your naked body, is a good example of conditioned stimuli that are already well established. As a practical matter, you can’t always use sexual stimulation to reward your husband for every good deed. Conditioned stimuli are therefore critical to achieving your goals.

You will need to establish a number of simple conditioned stimuli that you can use throughout the day, even in public. By far the simplest and most versatile conditioned stimulus is your voice but you should develop conditioned stimuli for all his senses including vision and smell.

This is another reason to talk to your husband during sex, not only in foreplay but also during the throes of lovemaking. What you say, how you say it, your tone of voice, all will become associated in his mind with sex and will, over time, take on the attributes of being conditioned stimuli. I call these “sexy voice” and “sexy phrases.”

Once you have established these conditioned stimuli you can use them liberally throughout your daily life. When, for example, you wish to make a demand of him, say to clean up after dinner, you simply adopt your sexy voice and sprinkle your request with sexy phrases. These will not lose their potency over time by overuse, but you should continually recharge them during sex. Another conditioned stimulus you should establish is a special  perfume. Smell is a very powerful sense that moves us emotionally, often without our awareness. But while you may have a regular subtle perfume that you usually wear, what you want is a distinctive, strong perfume that you wear only during sex. Once this perfume is established as your sexy  perfume, you can use it to resolve difficult confrontations with your husband. If you are having a disagreement with him, you simply wear the sexy perfume. It will have a profound effect on his demeanor and will induce him toward accommodation.

 

Operant Conditioning

 Kylie: I’m a big believer in rewarding good behavior. You can’t expect people to just do the right thing. 

 

Maxwell: She’s not subtle about it at all. 

 

Kylie: I call it managing by touching. I make a point to touch him at last once when I check up on his chores. And if he does a really good job, I give him a big wet kiss or even call him over  for a little heavy petting.

Maxwell: I do enjoy it. 

 

Kylie: Sometimes I’m busy so he will report back to me on the chores he’s done and then I take a break to reward him. 

 

Maxwell: To tease me. 

 

Kylie: It’s all the same, really. Teasing is rewarding. And it works; I haven’t done a lick of housework since.

 

Operant conditioning is the process by which the frequency of a behavior is modified by the consequences of the behavior. You modify a behavior under your husband’s control by manipulating and controlling the consequences to him of the behavior. If positively reinforced, the likelihood of the behavior being repeated increases. If punished, the likelihood of the behavior being repeated decreases.

A positive reinforcement is any outcome that strengthens the behavior through natural or associated potency. Sex is an obvious positive reinforcement but any conditioned stimulus can serve as a positive reinforcement. It is best to reward intermittently, even randomly, or at least to prevent him from knowing when his behavior will be rewarded. Not knowing when the reward will come, what the reward will be or how big the reward will be strengthens the behavior. You might want to have sex one time, words of praise the next time, a wet kiss the next time, a flash of your nipple another time. But note that it is very discouraging to your husband if you simply make it harder and harder to get a reward. Random variability, not rising expectations, is critical.

What you reward is, primarily, obedience. And what you use is, again, primarily sex and sexual stimulation. However, if you have successfully established conditioned stimuli you can use those as well. For example, as he is doing the dishes, you can rub his crotch and whisper sexy phrases in his ear. Even simple words of praise in a sexy voice can have a profound effect on his behavior.

Perpetual Reinforcement

Barbara: Jason has become quite proficient with housework. My  friends are amazed at how neat and clean our house is. 

Jason: I enjoy keeping the house orderly. She jokes that I’m an OCD [obsessive-compulsive disorder] convert. 

Barbara: Well, you weren’t always so fastidious. It took a while  for him to decide that the house was his responsibility. When we were married he was the biggest slob. 

Jason: Well, that was before you trained me to think differently about it. 

Barbara: [Winking] What do you think about now? 

Jason: Oh, wow. [Taking a deep breath] To be quite honest, doing the housework is a bit of a turn on for me now. Sometimes  I get a hardon doing stuff around the house, especially if I think about Barb watching me. 

Barbara: [Touching Jason on the thigh] And I do watch you when I have the time, you know. I make a point of supervising him from time to time. Not so much now to make sure he’s doing it but more to add a little something extra to the experience, if  you know what I mean. 

Jason: Yeah, she means she likes to see my pants bulging when  I’m doing the housework. 

Barbara: Then I know he’s enjoying it even when I’m away.

Interestingly, while doing chores is a behavior that you are encouraging through positive reinforcement, it is very likely that certain aspects of housework will become conditioned stimuli themselves. For example, as you train your husband to wash the dishes, and reinforce that behavior, your husband may learn to associate the experience of washing the dishes with sex. The more consistent and powerful the reinforcement, the more likely and strongly will be that association. Washing the dishes may actually arouse you husband. Thus, over time, washing the dishes may become its own reward.  Needless to say, once housework becomes its own reward, he will want to do it regularly. You won’t even need to remind him.

 

 

Vacation

I've been away on vacation for a few weeks.  This year, I relaxed my dominance a bit on vacation and allowed Thomas to sit back and relax quite a bit.  This was not a formal decision.  It just happened that way.  Thomas still made my coffee in the morning and had certain expectations but it was not as rigorous as our normal routines.  I did some cleaning in the house we were staying in, which is something Thomas would be expected to do at home. Sex was almost non-existent because of the close quarters with or kids.  We did manage one night of pleasure for me but he was left denied.

It was nice to take a break like that.  The vacation was a not refresher for us both..  Interestingly, when we arrived home he was all gung-ho about getting back into our routines and serving me.  He was almost craving my dominance again.  I could tell that he missed my dominance and the routines. It was wonderful to see and reassuring to me that our FLR is a great thing.

-MzKaylee

The Joys of Receiving Oral Sex

Anytime a man's face is buried between a woman's legs it is a beautiful thing.  It means his undivided attention is focused on pleasuring her and serving her.  I like to view it as worshipping her.  I just love ordering Thomas to worship me.  Just about every position for cunnilingus puts the man in a submission position and the woman in a positions of control and power which is another reason why I like receiving oral sex (any reference to oral sex in my post refers to the man performing oral on the woman).

Queening
The position that has the most dominant/submissive overtones is the queening position, which is why it is the favorite position for both Thomas and myself. In the queening position, the woman (the queen) sits upon the man's face (her throne).  Submissive men like this position because they are beneath the woman, which is their rightful place and completely symbolic of their submission.  Likewise, the woman is on top of their man, which gives her control and is symbolic of her power of him.  When I straddle Thomas's face, my knees and legs pin his arms to his side leaving him helpless beneath me.  I love that!  Now all he has to focus on is pleasing me with his tongue. I usually hover my sex just above his face so that he has to work for it. He has to lift his head slightly to start pleasuring me.  Another thing I love about this position is that I control the pace and rhythm.  Once he gets my juices flowing and I am feeling the pleasure, I can start grinding into his face as hard or as light as I want.  I can move fast or slow.  He just keeps licking while I control the rhythm and pace. It is all about me at this point and I am very selfish with my pleasure.

In the queening position you can face forward or backward (towards his toes).  I enjoy both positions and often times switch between both positions in the same night.  Facing forward, I like being able to look down and see him pleasuring me. Thomas has told me the he enjoys looking up and seeing the look of pleasure and ecstasy on my face while he is pleasuring me.  He also enjoys the view of being beneath me and seeing the underside of my breasts and seeing me look down upon him.  Facing backwards is fun too and in this position I feel like I can do more things and mover around more.  I can sit directly on his face but I usually end up kneeling over him on my hands and knees and pushing myself upon his face. In this position I can easily direct my asshole to his tongue if I desire.  My fellow Goddesses, if you have not experienced, anal pleasure by his tongue, you do not know what you are missing. It is an exquisite and wonderful pleasure.  I also get an emotional charge out of having Thomas lick my ass.  It is a power rush I guess, just knowing the he is doing something so raw and animalistic for me. When I am really in the mood, I will order him to lick me there and tell him he is a good ass kisser.

In the backward position, I also have easy access to his cock so I can tease him while he pleasures me.  I may even give his cock a lick or a quick suck.  Thomas does not get blow jobs from me so this is a special treat for him when I do it.  One variation I recently tried, which I liked, was squatting above his face with my back against the headboard.  I spread my arms along the top of the head board to give myself support.  In this position, I could squat above his face and just have him stare at my sex and worship it with his eyes.  I could almost see him drooling, waiting to pleasure me. Making him wait is all part of the tease.  Then when I am ready, I can easily lower myself onto his face and grind away.  If I need a break I just lift myself back up and rest, while squatting over his face.  I did this several times and enjoyed it immensely!

There are many variation in how you can sit upon his face.  In our spare room, we have a bed that sits lower to the ground. I have had Thomas lay with his head on the edge of the bed.  Then I can literally sit on him like a chair, with my feet on the ground and his face between my legs.  So much fun to ride him this way and he his completely helpless!  The position also works on a large ottoman or having him lye upside down on a couch, with his head on the edge of the seat cushion.  One thing I love about the queening position is seeing his hard cock.  He gets so excited when I queen him.  His cock is always swollen and hard.  I love that! Although, if I am in the right mood, I will put him into a chastity device when I queen him.  It is equally exciting for me to see his cock restrained into the small device, forced to remain small.  I know he is aroused and his cock is desperate to grow and break free from its small prison.  Seeing his imprisonment while I ride his face and take pleasure from his tongue gives me an erotic rush.

Kneeling between legs
Another favorite oral position is me sitting with my legs spread and him kneeling between them. The fact that he is kneeling before me sets the submissive/dominate tone immediately.  In this position, I enjoy putting my hands on the back of his head and pressing him into me.  I can also squeeze my thighs around his head to give him an added sense of my control and power over him. I enjoy pressing his face into my sex and then a few minutes later pushing him away from me and ordering him to stop.  I may make him kiss or massage my feet or do something else for me.  Then after a few minutes I will order him back between my legs.  I will do this over and over again until I tire from it or I orgasm.  On occasion I like to squeeze my thighs around his head and keep his face locked just a few inches from my sex.  I will hold him in this position for 30 seconds to a minute.  This is purely a power thing for me.  He is forced to stare at my sex and take in my aroused scent which drives him into a deeper submissive state. Another fun technique is to lean back, raise your leg and press your heel into the back of his head.  In this position your are using the heel of your foot to press him into your sex.  This position creates quite a power dynamic because it is as if you are laying back and relaxing while he pleasures you and you are using your foot to control him.   I also like to tie his hands behind his back or use a collar and leash on him when he is in this position. It adds to his helpless state, which both he and I enjoy.

Standing or Lying on Bed
Standing with him kneeling between my legs is another variation for oral sex and is also good for anal pleasure.  This is similar to the sitting position but it can get uncomfortable. If you are going for comfort, then lying on your back with legs spread is the position for you.  I do find it liberating lying on my back with my knees and legs spread wide and my husband kneeling on the bed with a hard cock (or better yet in chastity) staring at my sex.  When he is ordered to worship me (or often times he just knows to do it) he usually ends up lying on his stomach and orally pleasuring me.  This is a great opportunity to incorporate many of the techniques noted above. I can press him into my sex with my hands or the heel of my foot or I can squeeze my thighs around his head.  I can also tie his hands in this position.  However, often times with this position I will let him use his fingers in combination with his tongue to pleasure me.

Thomas is definitely a junkie when it comes to oral sex. He can not get enough of it and would probably pleasure me this way all day if he could.  I've often thought about declaring his tongue as his new sex orgasm and forbidding his cock from ever entering me.  An interesting thought, no?  He is always aroused and hard when he orally pleasures me. I love that!  I also notice that the more tough or rough I am when he is orally pleasuring me, the more he gets off on it.  He loves to be smothered by my sex or pressed into my sex.  He loves that I get off on it but he is forbidden to orgasm.  I am not a big dirty talker but I know dirty talk excites him.  On occasion I will get in a mood and order him to lick me harder, deeper or faster.  I will tell him that his place is beneath me, pleasing me or that he is good ass licker or that I like that he is a dirty boy (or girl if in panties) for me.  He has told me that he loves when I talk like that and that it drives him deeper into submission and creates a lasting memory for him that he enjoys.

There are many other variations of oral sex.  It is fun to experiment and try new things.  When practicing denial with your man, you may find that having him orally pleasure you regularly is a nice replacement for his cock.  Go forth and experiment!!

-Mz Kaylee