The Importance of Communication

It seems so obvious that open communication is key to any successful relationship.   It's the first thing most people will cite when giving advice about relationships.  There's no doubt it is true but let's acknowledge that it is not always easy.  Sometimes communicating the truth or unpleasant news is difficult or uncomfortable.  In my posts I've written about the importance of communication and I try to lead by example, but I have to admit that occasionally I have faltered in this area.

Recently I was dealing with several personal issues that were challenging for me.  As a result of these issues, let's just say my leadership in the FLR lapsed quite a bit and I was more focused on the issues in front of me rather than being the leader.  As a result, there was some strain in our relationship.  Our normal routine began to fade, intimacy took a back seat, and little-by-little Thomas became lapse in his chores.

Something that upset me was that I felt Thomas was not acknowledging the issues I was dealing with or showing concern for me. However, rather than bring this to his attention, I kept it to myself.  As time went by, there was an obvious distance between us and soon my upset turned to anger.  Finally, I confronted Thomas about it.  What I learned surprised me.  All along Thomas felt that he was showing concern.  As he shared examples with me, I could see that he was right.  He was reaching out to me but I was the one shutting him out. He also noticed the distance between us but to him he felt that I needed that distance to sort things out.  What I learned was that he was not happy with the situation either but to him accepting the situation without complaining was a way of supporting me.

What I learned from all of this is that my anger had no real basis.  Thomas was concerned for me and was trying to support me.  It was just not in ways that I expected and in some cases I was not allowing him to support me. Looking back what I should have done was open up to Thomas with my issues and seek support from him, I needed support from him in a different way than what he was providing, but there was no way for him to know that without me telling him.  If I felt I was not getting that support, I should have discussed it with him rather than let it upset me and build to anger.  Had I taken that approach, things still would have been tough because you just can't avoid 'life issues,' but it would have eliminated some of the stress and anger that surfaced.

I am sure many of you can relate to this type of situation.  As much as we know the right things that should be done with communication, the reality of following those rules is much harder, especially when you are under stress or if the communication is on a difficult topic,  When we avoid communication, it often leads to us harboring negative feelings which creates stress and negative emotions such as anger or depression. However, through open discussion and honesty, these emotions can be avoided or short-lived.  The outcome may not always be what you wanted but at least it will give you direction and the ability to move forward.

I am happy to say that Thomas and I are back on track and we did it through open discussion.  There was no arguing or placing blame. It was just two people trying to understand what went wrong and how to correct it.  Through our discussion we acknowledged and re-affirmed that I am the leader in the relationship and he is submissive to me. I believe this positioning helped facilitate the discussion and avoided argument. For example, when I addressed this issue of him lapsing on his chores he immediately accepted responsibility and apologized.

Often times in relationships people never confront each other with issues and continue to harbor negative feelings, which ultimately damages the relationship.  While I may have had a small lapse in communication skills, when I did communicate I was able to get us back on track.  I feel very strongly that the FLR that we have in place helped me overcome this bump in the road and get us back on track quickly.  When I finally came to my senses, I was able to discuss my concerns with Thomas in a very direct manner, with confidence, and in a leadership position.

Three key points that I hope you as the readers can take away from my experience are:

  1) If you start to feel anxiety or stress over something in the relationship, recognize it as a sign that you need to talk to to the person about it, no matter how difficult the discussion. Try not to let it build to something bigger such as anger or depression.

  2) If for some reason #1 above does not happen and your emotions build to something bigger, it's never too late to discuss. It's never too late to get back on track again. The sooner you address the issue the better.

  3) The dynamics of a FLR encourages communication and builds stronger relationships. I hope you can see this from the things I wrote in this post as well as many of my previous posts.

-Mz Kaylee

The Power of Silence

On occasion I will prohibit my husband from speaking unless I ask him a direct question or give him permission to speak.  If asked a question or given permission to speak, he is to be  brief and to the point.  Preventing your husband from speaking is a powerful tool to get him focused on you and to reinforce your control over him and his submissiveness.

There are two situations in which I put this rule into effect.  The first is when I feel he is focused too much on himself.  Sometimes he gets in these moods where he is just whining or complaining or frankly just babbling and I get tired of it so I put the rule into effect.  Ahh...the silence is nice!    When he is silent it helps reset his mood and refocus his attention back to me. It is not easy to be silent and so he has to work at it.  If he wants something from me he has to first decide if it is important enough to bother me with. Then he has to figure out how to communicate it to me.  He may write it down, do some silly gesture, or ask for permission to speak,  It really is quite cute some times.  What I like the most is that when I give an order, he obeys immediately without comment.  He is my speechless slave.  When I talk to him he listens intently and does not comment.  It is so nice to be listened to :).  The forced silence has a wonderful submissive effect on him.

The second situation in which I use this rule is when I want to have fun with him and exert my dominance over him.  If I am in one of my moods where I just want to dominate for kinky fun (and he loves these moods), I may put this rule into effect since it immediately puts him into a listening and submissive mode.  Then it is just me spouting off orders and him obeying.  He becomes so submissive so quickly in these situations.  It's also fun taking him out in public when the silence rule is in effect.  The dynamic is so much fun at a restaurant when he can not speak and I must order for him and take care of everything with the waiter/waitress.

I typically only keep this rule in effect for one day.  Sometimes I may enforce it for the whole weekend or several nights during the week to get him refocused.  There are a few exceptions that I allow.  He can communicate with the kids, but only if there is a need or they engage him in conversation. If friends or family come over, the rule is relaxed temporarily. Otherwise, he is expected to be silent.

I encourage you to use this technique in your relationship.  I think you will like the results.

-Mz Kaylee.

Happily Surprised

I am thrilled to share the post below from Jessica, who has been kind enough to share her experience and thoughts on taking the lead in her marriage. Special thanks to Jessica for her willingness to share and for taking the time to write this post.

-Mz Kaylee

I have commented before (somewhere) on this blog that I have been surprised by what I have come to see increasingly as a "lifestyle".  I feel like it is a bottomless and often very exciting sort of "pit".  For me, though it still feels quite new, I am continually amazed by how deep and powerful it can be.

It is no secret to my friends (or past boyfriends) that I "wear the pants" in my marriage.  Since high school I have always been a bit "brash" and never really hesitated to take the lead in directing boys.That part of things is just in me I guess.  Probably like many women I preferred to be leading things a bit and I usually found boys pretty easy to "direct".  I don't think, however, that I thought a whole lot about it and even though I was "dominant" I sort of thought that's how things were.  I did not think of "deepening" that natural dynamic much.  I played around with guys a bit but I never gave the apparent fact that I could be dominant when I wanted much thought.

I was intrigued when I came across images or stories of "dominant women".  Occasionally I'd see a movie or a show where a dominatrix was portrayed.  When I lived in the City I recall seeing advertisements in tabloid-like papers for "mistresses" or dominant women for men.  I remember sitting in a coffee shop with a girlfriend one day as we flipped through the papers and I was amazed at just how many advertisements there were!  Obviously there was a big market for dominant women to engage with submissive men.  Lots of the themes seemed to be about "punishment" or "control"and having a "mistress" who directs you.  This was all very interesting, though at that point I think I still thought of it as a sort of "fantasy play" that some people were very in to.  It interested me a lot but I did not think of it as much more than just fantasy.

The Internet has been a virtual treasure for me.  I am sure I would not be where I am in my marriage right now without it. I don't know that I would have taken the time or known how to go find information without it.  When I began to look for information, of course a lot of odd or fake material would come up. But here and there (as in with this wonderful blog of Mz. Kaylee) I found things that were quite obviously real. I found terms like "female led" or "wife led" rather than just "dominatrix".  I'll never forget reading some story on the net from some "Plain Jane seeming" lady who was from the mid west and simply directed her husband in all their affairs - in and out of the house.  I was intrigued by it.  

I guess what has begun to intrigue me most is how visceral and real it can be.  I think there are some men who need/want and  are simply more comfortable being "under" a woman.  It can take a bit to have him know that or "fess up" - maybe that is because he feels he is not "supposed" to be that way.  I am increasingly thinking this is a kind of energy and dynamic that cannot be  denied - maybe it is biology...or part nurture...but I have been stunned by how real and deep it can be.  It can afford a very deep kind of intimacy and vulnerability I think.

If someone had told years ago that upon marriage I could put my husband on an exercise cycle, have him do 95% of the household chores, direct him on eating and diet, maintain full control of finances (yes, now including his paycheck), control the sex 100%, always be orgasmic, have oral sex be received on demand, be the sole final decision maker on vacation plans and all other social plans, be served meals in my own house - and have my husband be a willing and very excited happy participant in all of it ---- I would have said no way!  I guess that is what is most amazing - how excited (yes, even thrilled at times) he seems to be to do things for me and make me happy. It seems I am "feeding him" by "allowing him" to do so.  Wild.  

The sexuality is a whole other domain.  I cannot imagine going this emotionally deep without the dominant dynamic. Maybe some people can but for me it is hard to fathom.  I have found deeper and deeper levels of connection and need and vulnerability.  I hope this does not offend anyone, but there was a time I thought the notion of someone "belonging" to someone was a bit much - even in marriage or long term relationship.  I now do feel that I "own" my husband.  I do feel he "belongs" to me - yes in the full sense of that word.  However, I also recognize that with that power comes responsibility and I hope I do not take it for granted.

 Jessica
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