Comments

Hi all.  There have not been many comments lately. I've discovered that if you are using incognito mode in Chrome, the comments do not always work. This was not a problem previously. I've published all comments so if you submitted something and it's not published, that is probably the issue. I sent feedback to blogger about this issue. If anyone know a workaround, please feel free to share via comments or e-mail me at mzkaylee101@gmail.com.  If you are having trouble with comments, you are welcome to send them via e-mail and I will figure out away to publish them. If you choose to send them to me via e-mail, please write them in a format that I can just copy and paste "as is" and let me know which name you want them published under.

Thanks.

Using Your Motivators

In my June 12th post I identified a few ways to motivate your husband to obey you and keep up with his chores and service to you. As reminder, the motivators I shared were: 1) the quick tease, 2) conducting regular discipline sessions, 3) playing into his fetishes and fantasies, 4) giving him the punishment he wants, 4) assigning tasks and 5) a gift and word of appreciation.  In this post, I'll discuss ways to apply those motivators. How and when you apply the motivators will vary depending on what you are trying to accomplish, how your husband responds to motivators, and the maturity in your Wife Led Marriage (WLM).

In a newer WLM, motivators play a role in training the husband and getting him to perform in a manner that the wife desires. This typically involves breaking the husband of habits that are either bad or undesirable to the wife and creating new habits and routines that the wife desires. In the early stages of this transformation, motivators provide incentive and encouragement to change. A wife may choose to motivate using the "stick and carrot" approach in which she dangles an incentive in front of her husband in order to motivate him to do something. For example, she may tell him that if the dishes and kitchen are cleaned to perfection every night during the week, then on the weekend she will allow him an orgasm as a reward. Those who incorporate chastity devices into their relationship will often tie his release from chastity to good behavior. 

Rewards can also be tied to earning points. The wife can assign both positive and negative points to tasks and behaviors and when the husband achieves a certain number of points, he earns a reward. He can accumulate points to earn even bigger rewards. The challenge with this approach is that it can be cumbersome or time consuming to monitor and track points. I actually tried this approach in the past, where I reviewed my husband on a monthly basis and graded him on his performance. However, it did not last long because I just didn't always pay attention to how he was doing things. It was too much work for me to monitor and grade him so this approach did not work for me but it may work for you. Sticking with the same analogy as above, another approach is what I would call "eating the carrot on the stick," and this is where the wife keeps the husband aroused during the chore or task so that it becomes enjoyable for him. Ideas for doing this include giving him quick cock teases while he is working, having domination play or foreplay prior to the chore so that his arousal is heightened, or  making him wear things while working that stir up his arousal such as a butt plug or panties.

In the approaches above, as the husband gets into a routine of doing the desired chores or behaviors, the wife can lessen the use of motivators and eventually stop them all together once the habit is formed.

In a more mature relationship in which the husband fully embraces his submission, is well trained, and truly takes pleasure in serving his Queen, the carrot and stick approach is not needed. She simply trains him on what to do or tells him what to do and he does it. Discipline sessions or feedback are used to ensure he continues to do what was requested and at the standard she expects. That is how it works with my husband and I now but I have used the carrot and stick approach early in our WLM and I still use the eating the carrot approach from time-to-time just for fun and to help keep him focused. I do get a laugh when my husband tries to negotiate a "carrot" with me. Every now and then, when he is desperate for attention (very horny), he will try to negotiate with me, that he'll do whatever I want or buy something for me if I'll give him a 'tease' session.  The silly boy does not even want an orgasm; he just wants to be teased. I laugh and tell him that I control the money and can buy anything I want and that he does whatever I want anyway so there's no negotiating.

Another way to motivate is to give him a reward after good behavior has been done as a form of appreciation. The husband should never expect a reward. He should always be serving out of obedience and the desire to please the wife. However, the wife can decide to show appreciation for good behavior by employing one of the motivators. This helps keep the husband happy and wanting to serve the wife. If the wife regularly(not necessarily frequently) indulges in his fantasies, fetishes, and submissive desires as a form of reward, it motivates the husband to continue to please and serve her at a high level. If you think about how people are motivated at work and in every day life,  the concept of this approach makes a lot of sense. The people at work who you want to help the most and who you are most loyal to are the ones that show genuine appreciation for what you do or the ones that can have the most positive impact on your day or future (e.g. the ones with power and influence). In work life people are also highly motivated by money and promotions. In the submissive world, men are motivated by sexual pleasure and being able to feel that wonderful deep submissive feeling that comes from being controlled by a woman. The extra benefit in a WLM, is that certain rewards of appreciation also deepen the husband's submission to the wife. For example, a wife who indulges in her husband's fetish will motivate him and will also push him deeper into submission and deepen his loyalty to her.

As mentioned in my previous post, regular discipline sessions are also good motivators. While these sessions are not tied to the completion of specific tasks, they are a powerful and fun feedback mechanism that allows the husband to understand how he is performing. The key to using this motivator is to have the sessions frequently (weekly or monthly) and to keep the sessions centered on providing feedback or training and not fantasy play. Both appreciation and critical feedback can be shared in these sessions. Having clear and regular feedback helps the husband stay focused on serving the wife at the highest level of service and keeps him out of trouble. People become highly motivated when expectations are clear and they know where they stand with their superior. When expectations are not clear and there is uncertainty, it causes stress and leads to poor performance. This is a common problem in many marriages and in WLMs submissive men often feel frustrated or depressed when there is a lack of expectations and the wife and husband are not on the same page. Having regular discipline or feedback sessions is a great structured method for solving the communication problem. In addition, the nature of the discipline session creates a power exchange between husband and wife that elevates her power and pushes him deeper into submission. Having this power exchange regularly, cements the hierarchical structure in the relationship. Hopefully you can see how powerful and effective discipline sessions are. They provide feedback, training, motivation, and they strengthen the submissive-dominant bond. It's a 4 for 1 return on investment!

When using motivators, be cautious not to overuse them. As mentioned above, you do not want the husband to always expect a reward when he does something for you. A well trained husband is self motivated to serve and please you. His pleasure and motivation comes from pleasing you and seeing you happy. It usually takes many years of training and self-discovery for a submissive man to consistently achieve this state. Even when they achieve this state, motivators are still effective and can add excitement and renewed energy to the relationship; they are just not needed as much. I want to clarify that if the wife enjoys the "motivator" activities then she does not need to limit the frequency of doing them. She is the one in charge and can indulge in those activities as she desires. When she indulges for he pleasure, it is not a sign of appreciation and not a reward, but rather a special privilege for the husband.

I encourage all of my fellow Goddess wives to use motivators in your WLM. They will keep your husband working hard for you and will help you achieve a higher standard of living. Please feel free to share what works for you.

-Mz Kaylee

 

A Maintenance Spanking Example

I received the below e-mail from caliBob in response to my last post. It was too long for comments so I am posting it here. In his response, he describes his weekly review sessions with his wife, which also includes maintenance spanking. It is wonderful to read about how others are using discipline or review sessions. I also enjoyed hearing about the Journey Bible that he described in his response. Thank you calibob for sharing your personal experiences and thoughts. This is a great example of putting ideas to practice and I hope it inspires others to do the same.  -Mz KAylee.

Thank you Mz Kaylee for a very insightful “Motivating your Husband” post, at least insightful as it pertains my wife, to me, and our WLM.

I printed out your post so we could read it together during our Monday night “Review Session” this week.  We try to sit down together every Monday evening to review my successes and failures during the week.  We begin by me reading through what we call our Journey Bible.  It is nothing more than a list of promises I have made to her, and to myself, that I try to live up to each day.  The promises are listed under four heading, Love, Honor, Service and Obey.  After reviewing through each portion of the Journey Bible we have a discussion of how she felt the week went, and I have a chance to add my thoughts as well.  This time together is so important to us.  Our communication has never been better, largely because we instituted review sessions into our lives. 

After we have discussed my attitude, voice and overall demeanor over the previous week we often have a discussion about FLR/WLM based either from books I have bought or from blogposts such as yours.  This gives us ideas to advance our WLM and often validates things we are doing in ours.   My wife and I both value your posts highly, and as my wife commented this week, she is particularly encouraged by reading another couples real life practice of dominance and submission.  She sees a lot of me in your writings about Thomas, and I can only hope she is inspired by you and will push herself to be more forward with her dominant voice and actions.

 In addition to Review, for the past year or so, she has added a “maintenance” time after review.  Maintenance requires me to prepare our bedroom for me to be maintenance spanked.  She sends me to our room and gives me a few minutes to prepare.  The routine is like this:  I set out all of her various spanking implements, two tawses (long and short), two short paddles (one wood, one leather) one long rubber strap paddle, one riding crop, and one long heavy plastic paddle with air holes).  These are set on the dresser along side her long handled bath brush that is always sitting on the dresser.  Her Bath Brush is her punishment implement, and she does not use it in a maintenance session.   I place a large king size pillow on the bed (covered by a towel, as she will have me lay on it to elevate my butt into the air.  She likes the presentation, the angle for swatting and she wants no messes on her bedding from uncontrolled leaking).  I then completely disrobe, neatly folding my clothes, and kneel with knees separated, at the end of the bed, clasping my hands behind my back.  She wants me kneeling on my heels, sitting tall, chest out, head up, as if she wants me to be a proud submissive.  She may take her time to come into the room, or she may come quickly, I never know.  I must be prepared and ready by the time she gets to the room.  Typically, she selects and uses four of her spanking implements, ranging her swats from 14 to 20 for each one she chooses.  If, during review she has determined that I have had a bad week, she may add punishment swats with her Bath Brush after maintenance.  The number of punishing swats vary depending on the infraction, but they differ significantly in their impact, and I do not like being on my side of that paddle. 

We both have found that maintenance is something we both enjoy.  She likes it because she feels empowered by my submission to her, and she tells me that she knows my submission is sincere because of the redness in my ass cheeks.  She likes that she has gotten better at utilizing her tools, understanding each one and their effectiveness in getting my attention.  She has had me “rate” each one, and “rate” the force of impact she gives as well.  So, she is truly learning.  We had to take about a month off due to some medical issues, and I know she really missed it from her side.

I, too missed it.  Like our weekly “Review Session”, it is one of times when I feel most submissive.  During Review I have promised to never refute or argue about what my wife has to say to me about my behavior or voice.  If she has an issue with something I have said or done I feel like it is my job to see the issue from her point of view first.  There has never been a time that, when I look at an issue using her viewpoint, that I don’t see the error of my ways.  This is quite humbling.  “Maintenance” is also quite humbling.  As a professed submissive to my wife, being told to set up for a paddling, to strip, to kneel, to present my ass for a spanking is very humbling.  And, strangely enough I like it.

So, we read your latest post and discussed it at length last Monday.  I expressed my desire to be pushed harder on my submission, and that using some of the ideas presented by you would be a good start.  Since Monday she has been more in tune with her comments, her touches, her wants and needs.  I told her that I feel different when I do chores because she requested me to do them, than if I just do them because it is what I do.  I asked her to use her voice more.  We agreed that she will ask me what my plans are for the day, and in the evening, she will ask me what it is I did while she was at work.  She told me she no longer wants me to just do things and wait for her to notice, she wants to be told what was done.  She has taken it upon herself to be more forward with me on my body.  Since Monday, she has touched me sensually and groped me wantonly, just for quick teases.  I tell her, “Thank you Ma’am”, and smile.  It surprises and is somewhat off putting when she does these quick teases, but I like that she is taking liberties with me at unusual times and places. 

My reply has ended up a bit long winded, and I apologize for that.  Again, thank you for a very meaningful post.  It was like an arrow launched directly at us.  It reminded me that I must work to not interfere with her leading, and it reminded her that leading requires some work.  But it also showed us that from both sides that work can be fun and enjoyable, as well as beneficial and rewarding for both Dom and sub. 

 

My best,  Calibo

Motivating Your Husband

It is our responsibility as the leaders in the relationship to motivate (and train) our husbands to perform to our expectations and behave in a positive manner with a positive attitude. I know some of you are thinking that a submissive should be self motivated to do these things. That would be ideal but let's face it, that is not reality for most people and even those that are self motivated need some reassurance and encouragement every now and then.

If you want to get the most of your Wife Led Marriage (WLM) or Female Led Relationship (FLR) then you need to invest time, on an ongoing basis, into leading and motivating your husband. The good news is that the time you invest will pay off in dividends to you. When he is properly motivated, you can live like a Princess or Goddess. My husband is properly motivated and I do live like a Goddess and it is fabulous! Think of it this way: Instead of spending your time doing chores and things that you do not enjoy doing, you spend a fraction of that time motivating him to do those things for you. Then you get a lot more free time on your hands and you have him pampering and serving you 24/7. In the end you are living a higher standard of life while, he is living his submissive dream. It is a perfect harmony when everything fall into place. Sounds too good to be true but I can attest that with a little commitment and time from you, it can happen!

To motivate your husband to obey and serve you, focus on the positive and not the negative. A mistake newcomers often make is that they focus on punishing to get good behavior. Guys are often to blame for this approach because that's what they think they want and then they persuade their wife into taking the approach. A submissive guy gets very excited and aroused when he is being controlled by a women and under her power. A wife is exerting a high level of power and control when she punishes her husband and when he yields to her punishment it is a clear sign of submission and as strange as it may seem, that extreme power exchange is a thrill for submissive men. When you understand this, it is not surprising that men seek out punishment or think they want to be in a relationship that is highly driven by punishment. In their silly minds, being punished and yelled at is the only way they know how to experience submissive pleasure. They are wrong!

For a marriage or serious relationship, the punishment approach does not make sense because it encourages the husband to be bad in order to get pleasure from a punishment or it results in the wife looking for ways to punish her husband, which contradicts the idea of a loving relationship. It is also easy for women new to the lifestyle to fall into the trap of punishing their husband in a way that is not really a punishment. For example, if the husband gets a thrill out of being spanked, then a spanking is not a punishment. A punishment should be unpleasant and a deterrent to bad behavior. It is ok if he gets aroused from being punished (for the reason I noted above) but the punishment itself should not be something he enjoys. Punishment should be used for bad behavior, not small corrections r fr his plessure. If your husband is a good submissive then punishments should be rare. The end goal in a WLM/FLR is to train and mold your husband into someone who happily serves you according to your expectations and who rarely needs punishment.

Perhaps some of the guys right now are nervous about what they have read so far because they enjoy that power exchange that occurs during punishment, even if it is not a true punishment. Fear not guys, for the power exchange can still be achieved and in a much more positive dynamic. Rather than focusing on punishment, a wife should focus on rewarding and encouraging her husband to behave in a manner that she desires. She can do this while still being strict and exerting power and authority.  There are several ways to do this, which I explain below.

Regular Discipline Sessions
In my opinion, conducting regular discipline sessions is the most effective tool for motivating your husband because the sessions not only motivate him but they provider clear feedback and direction for him to continue to serve you the way you want him to. Discipline sessions are not meant to be a bad thing or a punishment. A punishment can be issued as part of a discipline session if warranted but the overall purpose of a discipline session is to provide training and/or positive and constructive feedback. A discipline session is a great example of how the wife can exert power and control in a positive way. For example, taking your husband over your knee to spank him is very powerful and puts him in a submissive and vulnerable position that for many men is very exciting. If he has been good, then the spanking can be more playful with a few firm swats to reinforce important items. Some people refer to these as maintenance spankings. I don't do these as often as I used to but when I did regular spankings with my husband his cock was always hard when I took him across my knee.

Discipline session do not have to be spankings. What I described above is just an example of how it can be done. I currently have a weekly ritual, that is a form of a discipline session. Each week he kneels before me and we discuss his behavior for the week and then he spends time in the corner. It can be hard to commit to weekly sessions but if you can it is very effective at keeping your husband motivated and doing good. I recommend at a minimum that you conduct discipline or review sessions on a monthly basis. This is a technique that will significantly improve your WLM/FLR and is well worth your time.

The Quick Tease
This is a fun and easy way to motivate. If he is doing something good, such as vacuuming the room without being told, while he is doing it, give him a little cock tease through his pants and tell him how pleased you are at what he is doing or simply say "good boy." I like to tease Thomas until I start to feel him getting hard and them I stop. Sometimes I will tease a little longer to let him enjoy the pleasure. I use the quick tease technique in bed also. When we are lying in bed I will reach over and start to tease his cock. Once he is hard, I will tease him for a few more minutes and tell him how I am pleased with his behavior and tell him to keep it up. These short bedroom teases are like petting a cat. I can almost hear him purr with comfort as I am petting him. lol!  

I use the quick tease technique very frequently. Thomas enjoys the teases and they make his chores more enjoyable.They also help to keep him in a state of constant arousal. Submissive guys are at their best when they are in this state.

Playing into his fetish and fantasies
If he has been a good boy for you, then why not reward him by indulging in one of his fetishes or fantasies. For most submissive guys there are so many fantasies to choose from. With my husband, just about anything that smells of domination or kink drives him wild. I've come to realize he is quite the "pervy" slut. I can literally order him to worship my ass with his tongue and he will love it.  So a reward from me might go something like this:

"Thank you for washing my car today. Since you did such a nice job, I will allow you to worship my feet. Strip naked, get on your knees and start licking!" 

Or something like this:  "you've done a great job keeping up with your chores this month. I want you to go shopping and treat yourself to a few new pairs of panties. You can model them for me tonight."

I love the irony of the last one. It is quite a mind game for him to be rewarded with something that is so embarrassing. A new pair of pretty panties as a reward for a guy. Pretty funny! 

It's been my experience that the deeper you delve into a fetish or kink, the greater it motivates him. When I plan a night or weekend that is centered around his fetish or fantasy and really get into the 'role play' and domination it turns into a very intimate and bonding experience for us and for the next few days or weeks his submission and obedience to me is extremely high. These moments are also very memorable and I believe leave a lasting impression on him that deepens his submission to me. Many couples do not explore kinky activities and say it is not needed. It is true that it is not needed in order to have a successful WLM/FLR but I think you are missing out on incredible experiences and memories if you don't give it a try every now and then. I will admit that it is sometimes hard for me to do this. It take a bit of effort for me to get into "kink" or dominatrix mode and it can feel weird or silly at first. However, once I get into the role play, the weirdness passes quickly and it is always fun and exciting for me. When you open up to each other and really explore those kinks, you experience a vulnerability and pleasure that is thrilling, mind blowing and very fulfilling. Men fantasize constantly,especially about their fetishes. When you take the time and effort to make their fantasies come true, they really appreciate it and enjoy it and therefore they become highly motivated to please you out of both appreciation for making their fantasy real and out of hope that by continuing to please you, they will be rewarded again with more fantasy play. Take your WLM/FLR to an exciting level by using his fetishes and fantasies as a motivator. 

Giving him the punishment he wants!
If he wants to be punished or reprimanded then make that his reward. Turn into the dominatrix of his fantasies. The big difference here is that you can feel good about doing it because it is fantasy play and not a real punishment. If you want to make it more real, then become the super strict wife for a night or weekend. Keep him under tight control and make sure he can do no right. Why not give him a list of chores to do and then afterward, lead him around by his cock or a leash and criticize his work. Give him a nice little swat on the butt for each item that is not perfectly done. He will certainly feel your authority in this scenario and the good thing is that it might even improve how he does chores in the future!

Assigning Tasks
Believe it r night, assigning tasks can be a motivator for submissive men. They trick is to do it in a dominant and commanding way so that he knows he is doing the tasks out of obedience to you. The motivation with this technique is that by you exerting commanding authority over him, he gets aroused and excited to follow your orders. You can accomplish this by giving him several tasks to do over a period of time and being very specific about how you want the tasks done and giving him deadlines to complete them.  Using a commanding tone is also important. It also adds to your authority by having him in a submissive position, such as kneeling or naked, when you are giving the orders. One of my favorite ways to give tasks to Thomas is to leave a note on his bureau for him to read, which gives detailed instructions on what he is to do for the day and what he is to wear. It's so funny that he is usually sporting an erection by the time he is done reading the note.

A fun twist is to require him to wear something special while doing the tasks as a reminder that he is your slave. My favorites are having him wear a cock strap, butt plug, and hand picked pair of panties. All three of those worn together and he knows he is under my control. Once I got creative and tied a pink ribbon around the base of his cock so that every time he went to the bathroom, it reminded him of his place. The "Assigning Tasks" technique is a great way to motivate without exerting too much effort so it's good to use if you are busy or just not in a mood to be overly dominant.

A gift and Word of Appreciation
Let's not forget the vanilla way of doing things. Giving your husband a gift or simply giving positive appreciation such as "Thank you," "you are doing great," "I am pleased with you," "I love that you are my slave," and my favorite, "Good boy," are also a nice motivators.  It's human nature to want to be appreciated. When a person is appreciated, they feel good about themselves and it motivates them to continue to do good, especially for the person that gave the appreciation. Even submissive men who crave strict authority and humiliation, feel good when they receive appreciation from their Goddess Wife. There is nothing wrong with the wife showing appreciation by buying a gift for her husband, such as tickets to a sporting event, or item that he has wanted. Many submissive husband's are kept on a strict allowance and so it can be a special motivator when his wife buys him a gift.

I use all of the above motivators with my husband and they work great. The techniques I use the most frequently are discipline sessions, quick teases, and assigning tasks. The other items I use on occasion to motivate him and when I do they are very effective. How and when you use these motivators makes a difference in keeping him motivated and there are also other factors that affect his motivation. I will discuss more about these items in my next post. In the meantime, please feel free to share your thoughts and what motivators work for you.

-Mz Kaylee.

Another Great Benefit About Wife Led Marriage (WLM)

So things have been a bit stressful and out of the ordinary with COV19 and all the protests going on in the US. Our daily routine has changed significantly and with the kids in the house all of the time now, it's challenging to for my husband and I to find alone time. In the beginning my husband did a great job keeping up with his chores and duties to me. However, as the "stay-at-home" order prolonged and a few personal issues came up, he started to slack off a bit and his focus on serving me was not quite as sharp as it needed to be. I admittedly, became a little lazy in my leadership and was not exerting as much control over him as usual so that left room for him to slack off.

All it took was a quick discipline session to get him back on track. In the morning he was out of the house so I texted him that I was not satisfied with how things were going and that he should plan for a discipline session that night. The text was probably enough to correct course as his attitude already started to change for the better that day. He texted back an apology and said he would be ready for the discipline. It was a brief session. As is normal for our discipline sessions, he was naked except for a special pair of panties reserved for discipline, Putting these panties on puts him in the right frame of mind for the discipline. I talked about what needed to change and he agreed and apologized and promised to do better. He then gave me a massage and pleasured me. No orgasm for him but he did get quite a bit of teasing from me. Then it was off to the corner for him for 20 minutes to help him refocus.

The next day he thanked me for refocusing him and could not do enough to help me and serve me. He had extra pep in his step when doing his chores. Everything was back on track. This experience highlights how easily issues can be resolved in a WLM. There was no arguing or yelling. He accepted my criticism without being defensive. Since the lines of authority are clearly drawn in our relationship and because my expectations for him are well defined, he knew he was slacking off and knew there were consequences associated and so there was no argument. 

Overall the discipline session was a very positive experience for both of us. We both came out of it feeling good and with new positive energy. I love that dynamic so much! In a WLM it is so easy to reconcile and get back on track. I can't remember the last time I had an argument with my husband. When I feel there is an issue or I am not satisfied with his behavior, a short discipline session does the trick. I add punishment if warranted, but anymore it is rare that he does something that requires a harsh punishment. 

He is also allowed to discuss with me any issues or concerns he has. It must be a discussion and not an argument. He will not be punished for raising concern but he will be punished if he does so in a negative or argumentative tone. He understands that I have the final say in all matters and he accepts that. Having open communication and clear rules for resolution is wonderful and allows us to bring closure to issues and move on.without arguing.

-Mz Kaylee

 

 Overall it was a very positive experience for both us.