In this post, I will address one of the topics brought up in my Topic Ideas post: https://femdomthinktank.blogspot.com/2021/10/topic-ideas.html .
Suggested topic: "The role of a male chastity
cage in and FLR.. Is it really a necessity? Is voluntary chastity acceptable or
do you feel the man will always cheat?"
Is the male chastity cage necessary in a WLM/FLR? No. It is up to the Female, with consent from the male, if she wants to employ a chastity device. This will depend on what the Female wants to accomplish. If, for example, she wants to completely prevent masturbation, then yes it is necessary. The male is incapable of refraining from masturbation 24/7. If she wants to prevent extra-marital sex, well then you got deeper issues with your relationship that need to be addressed. A chastity device should not be the means for accomplishing that. Perhaps in a non-married FLR arrangement, the device would be appropriate for preventing the male from having sex with others.
For orgasm control, a device can be used but it is not necessary. A chastity device can add a tremendous amount of excitement to the WLM/FLR as it opens up a whole new world of control, fun, and games. It is certainly one of the most effective methods to exert physical control over the male. There is also tremendous symbolism in having his cock locked and the Female holding the key. Many guys desire that ultimate physical control of their cock and for many women it is a thrill to hold that power, literally in the palm of their hand, with a key.
As mentioned above, orgasm control can be done on the honor system, without a device. It requires commitment and devotion from the guy to not orgasm without permission. Is there a chance the guy will cheat? Yes, there is always a chance. I've been told that even guys wearing chastity devices can find ways to orgasm, so they are not even 100% effective for everyone. However, if there is real commitment to the WLM/FLR, there are many deterrents from having an orgasm without permission. To start with, in a well run WLM/FLR, there are many interactions and communications between the Female and sub and so the Female is very in tune with the submissive's emotions and state of being. The dominant Female will notice the post-orgasm sub-drop that occurs with men or the low libido and levels of arousal that occur after orgasm. The first time she calls him out on this and issues a harsh punishment for his disobedience (and this type of infraction deserves a harsh punishment), will send a clear message that it will not be tolerated. It may never get to that point, because usually the thought of being caught and being punished is a deterrent. The thought of disappointing the Female is also a deterrent. Finally, let's not forget that orgasm control is an exciting dynamic for submissives. Most submissive men want it, and enjoy being denied orgasm. It can become a badge of honor for them to go a long time without orgasm. Therefore, they are self-motivated to obey and not orgasm without permission. If they give into their desires and orgasm, it can make them feel like a failure and ashamed.
I enforce orgasm control in my WLM and I use the honor system. I like this approach because I enjoy teasing my submissive husband throughout the day and seeing him get an erection. I enjoy knowing that even when I am not around, he is probably getting erections. This would not be possible if he was wearing a device. I don't mind that he strokes his cock, as long as he does nor orgasm. It actually helps me, because he is teasing himself, which keeps him horny all the time for me. Do I think he has ever had an orgasm without me knowing? Yes, I am sure he has been weak a few times over the years and given into his sexual desires. Most of the time I am very in tune with him and during those times I know he has not. However, there are moments where life gets busy and the WLM structure loosens and I may not be paying close attention to him. Those are the moments where he may slip. I don't worry about it, because I know he genuinely tries to be obedient and I know that he loves the thrill of being denied orgasm and so if he does have an unauthorized orgasm, and does not tell me, well that's a guilt he has to live with. I would absolutely be disappointed and angry if he did not tell me and I found out about it. There would be consequences. However, I am not going to lose sleep over wondering whether or not this has occurred. My primary purpose for orgasm control is keep him in a horny and submissive state of mind because that's what keeps him obedient, pliant, and ready to serve me. When those things falter, that's when I get concerned. That's when he gets disciplined or punished and so I guess if it is the result of him having an unauthorized orgasm, then ultimately, he's feeling the consequences for his orgasm.
I have not ruled out the use of a chastity device in the future and have even thought about using one on a short-term basis for fun and excitement. AJ has been a great resource on providing me information about Chasity devices. There are a few great guest posts from her on the topic. To sum it all up, a chastity device is not necessary for a WLM/FLR, but it is an effective tool in the Dominant Female's toolbox.
-Mz Kaylee
PS - Feel free to add topic ideas to the Topics post I referenced at the beginning of this post. I regularly review that post for ideas.
I agree. My orgasms are up to my wife, I'm on the honor system, and proud and happy to be.
ReplyDeleteWe actually have a couple cages for play, and you're right - they are a powerful symbol of male submission - but we're not interested in having me go full-time.
My reasons may be a little selfish but I think they're sensible for us:
I'm reluctant to deal with some of the practical problems with long-term wear;
As with your husband, I do get to enjoy some solo stroking time (generally to FLR fantasies!) I have had accidental climaxes but not in a long time, and I was careful to 'ruin' them;
Most of all I love love love my morning erections! Many mornings I'm so stiff for so long and it feels great.
I especially love if it's just time to get up and I can embrace my wife and press it against her hip or buttocks. It's our 'alarm cock'...
Morning erections are also a marker of good health, so it's good to stay aware of them, and I'd hate to train my body not to have them.
CK
I am also on the honor system. And I really do know that it is for the better that she controls when and if I am allowed to orgasm. When it used to be up to me, well…. She will ask me if I have “been naughty?” Of course, out of respect, I would never lie to her, but even if I wanted to, she would know by the look on my face if I was lying. I would be ashamed to disappoint her, so I do not need a cage to prevent me from masturbating. The way she poses the question (and often her timing of when she asks it) makes me feel very submissive to her, and I feel proud when I am able to report that I have been “good” for her (which is 99% of the time). Plus, a good boy gets rewarded. :-) Edwin
ReplyDeleteOh yes...dominating submissives is a lot like parenting little kids.
DeleteCK - I would be interested to hear some of the ways your wife has incorporated chastity devices into "play" time.
ReplyDeleteOh, we did the usual things FLR couples do when they get a cage: naked caged chores, caged nude photos (so she has even more to hold over me!), of course caged cunnilingus.
DeleteThe highlight of our collection is a Mike's Spikes device - a fully adjustable Kali's teeth bracelet. It's too heavy for long term wear, but it makes the husband verrrry sensitive to teasing. Panicky might be the right word. My wife liked that the best.
CK
Fun! I especially like the idea of caged cunnilingus. An exciting thought to have my husband locked up, kneeling between my legs and pleasuring me with his tongue! Would you wear your device just during the activity or would your wife require you to wear it for days? What is the longest you were locked up?
DeleteJust short periods of time. It's tough to get the right size/type/fit right off the bat. Maybe one of those custom-made 3-printed ones next time....
DeleteCK
There are so many options out there but also a lot of articles to help pick the right one.
DeleteThanks CK
We also use the honor system and both prefer it now , We tried two different versions of a cock cage earlier but it was a lot of bother and she always felt it meant a lot more if she controlled my orgasms by teaching me self-control. She never ruled out ever trying the cage again but we have done well without it so far. In the beginning I wanted her to control my orgasms and to stop my secret masturbation even before we were married. I felt she didn’t understand how much of a problem masturbation was and I knew I couldn’t stop by myself. But when I told her everything she did understand and made taking control a priority for us. The honor system actually involves regular checking up with sanctions possible but I think it has been one of the best things for us we have ever done. I feel some shame still when I think about my behavior before she took control and how selfish and immature it was. I feel very good about myself and us now and her taking control has shown me that her discipline has helped me with this and much besides become the self-disciplined person that I never was before
ReplyDeleteGary
PS to anyone else going through this, it actually wasn’t that hard once I knew she was serious about it and admitted to myself I wanted her to do it. I think I needed to hear her say she would not tolerate it and she would punish me if necessary. Her commitment to that really made me more committed to it.
Excellent Gary! I am glad to hear your wife took control and is keeping you on the right path of obedience to her.
Delete@Mz Kaylee, i am wondering why you haven't used chastity devices before on your husband ?
ReplyDeleteIt just has not been a priority with me because the honor system is working so well and I enjoy teasing him throughout the day.
DeleteI wasn't really involved in any kind of sexual relationship until well into my 30s. During early adult life I can remember feeling trapped in a constant state of guilt over my lack of self control. Even if sexual fantasy might not be intrinsically immoral, it certainly felt like the *kind* of fantasies that excited me most strongly were the sort that left me feeling deeply remorseful afterward. The sense of swinging helplessly between powerful libido and post-orgasm shame left me unhappy with myself on a regular basis.
ReplyDeleteWe did try using honor system approaches, but I never had much success. Maybe my willpower is just weaker than some of the other commenters above. I think my "submissive persona" is just more fragile than the average person who ends up in a WLM. After orgasm I always felt like my interest in being submissive radically dropped and I pretty quickly reverted to having very different kinds of fantasies. I need strict sexual abstinence to enjoy being submissive 24/7, even though I'm not naturally very good at it. It feels much easier to fall off the wagon than to climb back on.
Being caged is a little embarrassing, like I'm still riding a bicycle using training wheels. But it works really well, at least for the stage of life we're in now. My wife doesn't really have the time or emotional energy to "manage another child" in addition to our daughters. Our approach needs to be low maintenance out of necessity. In the car earlier today my wife noted that she's literally busy every night next week with choir and the girls' music lessons and church events. We need something that feels intense to me even when I'm alone washing dishes and folding clothes, without requiring her to be physically present.
I sometimes get jealous of the stories here about husbands who seem like they get personal dominatrix sessions every week, while I'm stuck in an empty home doing chores like the equivalent of a gender-swapped 50s-era housewife. But it's also impossible for me to deny that we're making our way through a notoriously difficult stage of life (the "mid-life crisis" years) with vastly less conflict that we had a decade earlier. It feels like this arrangement wouldn't be possible without a mechanical solution, or at the very least not easy. I rather expect that when my life has fewer actual children to absorb her energy (in a decade or so), I'll get to spend time out of the cage again and get more personal attention.
My wife usually says, "Maybe... but no promises" when I ask, with the kind of smile that suggests she enjoys keeping me guessing.
E Holly - It's great that the cage is working for you. Having that constant physical reminder of your submission to her is especially effective when your wife is busy. We have been in your situation (very busy with work and kids). I enforced the wear of different outfits under his clothes as low maintenance ways of control. This included wearing panties, sissy panties, cock strap, and a butt plug. For different days or different occasions he had to wear certain things or a certain pair of panties. Now our kids are out of the house and so I am enjoying much more direct control. He is naked often for me.
ReplyDeleteI am caged pretty much full time. My wife just finds it easier and it's a way that I can help her through the menopause. It allows her to set the agenda. The last thing she wants is me pestering. I know that when I am caged, sex is off limits. I am a very obedient type, but this just helps keep that obedience at 100%. Just because my wife may not want sex for a period, does not mean that she wants me any less obedient. If anything it is more important to her. Men have traditionally been very bad at supporting women through menopause. I'm determined not to be one of them. I would just add that it is perfectly possible to release semen wearing a cage. After about three or four weeks, it will come out naturally. It's very much on the mild end of a ruined orgasm. It satisfies the physical need, while keeping you in the zone of obedience!
ReplyDeleteSissy Jenna
Fantastic! Thank you for sharing sissy jenna.
DeleteI agree with Mz Kaylee and the other commenters who find that the honor system works best. Since it's the subby boy's desire to obey, her requirement that he only orgasm with permission should be effective on its own, especially combined with a command to report any slip ups.
ReplyDeleteI do like the idea, though, that the device can be fun for short term play, e.g. during cunnilingus or for a few special days whenever she desires.
It seems to me that one key to successful male chastity, especially with the honor system, is to get him to think of your orgasms as his orgasms.
For him to experience a "shadow" orgasm, he should be as involved as possible in helping you reach yours, so that he feels he's building to a climax along with you. His build will be purely psychological, however.
When your orgasm arrives, it helps if he can feel the physical manifestations of it, too. Any moaning, writhing, thrashing, face squeezing, hair pulling or other reactions he's hanging on for will boost his sense of accomplishment, satisfaction and even emotional release like a vicarious orgasm of his own.
Finally, a few encouraging words during your afterglow can help him share in your post orgasmic bliss. A simple "good boy" and stroke of his hair is enough. The subby boy lives for these moments when he's pleased you well. Consistently reinforcing that feeling after your orgasm can leave him emotionally fulfilled as well.
This is absolutely true for me. I love experiencing it with her and achieve a tremendous sense of accomplishment when She orgasms. It is far more satisfying than my own ejaculation. She has me wear a panty girdle during these “sessions” to prevent any unauthorized “accidents.” When She is satisfied, She will compliment her “pussy-whipped” lover and take me to her breast. And I bask in the warm glow of knowing I have satisfied HER. Edwin
DeleteI agree that encouraging words are great motivators but sometimes after an orgasm a much different approach can be exciting too. Often times after an orgasm I will tell him very abruptly that I am done with him and then I will get up and leave the room or I will order him to roll over if I don't want to leave the bed. It is a thrill for him to be treated this way, like a sex toy.
DeleteOne point of clarification - the honor system works for me, but I have not said that it is the best way or right way for everyone. Every couple is different and for many couples, a chastity device works great for them.
This is a very interesting topic. We have been in an acknowledged WLM for over 10 years. 6 years ago, we used the occasion of our wedding anniversary to have a formal WLM renewal of our wedding vows. In other words, I was collared.
ReplyDeleteIn the very beginning we used a cage but mostly out being naive. With a lack of experience came an assumption that a cage was "necessary" in every WLM, mostly because of the porn fueled images and stories we had read together.
We purchase a CB6000, which is a plastic tube type cage. It was only moderately comfortable and after a day and a half or so, it became impossible to keep clean enough for Mistress K.'s liking. We eventually put it back into the (sex toy) drawer and she only imposed it on me for punishment purposes of significant infractions. We began many years of the honor system.
Then that all changed when she saw a picture of a stainless-steel metal cage called the Jail Bird from Mature Metal. She just liked the way it looked and told me to order one. It was a bit of a slow process to get one mostly because it is custom fit. The design of the cage allowed for easy daily, thorough cleaning which made it suitable for long term wear.
I wore it for days at a time, then weeks at a time and when Locktober came around, I wore it for an entire month, only ever coming off for cleaning and shaving purposes. Mistress discovered that she enjoyed the incredible symbolism of the cage on me 24/7.
I discovered the most amazing thing. While wearing the cage and knowing that it wasn't coming off anytime soon, I was easier able to avoid infractions, questionable tone when speaking to her, and my overall attentiveness automatically existed. During those times when I might otherwise get frustrated because I thought I needed attention, I found I could get that attention by merely thinking about the cage I was wearing and what it meant. Mind you, all of this was coming from a submissive husband that existed perfectly well on the honor system for many years.
Over the past few months, we have evolved to me wearing the cage nearly full time. 24/7/tbd, and both of us are really enjoying the benefits it has given to our respective roles in our loving dynamic. There are times when I am allowed out. Travel (metal detectors) or like when I am away with the fellas on a golf/fishing weekend, but otherwise, I am cage and locked. I find that when I am out of the cage for a few days, I really miss it.
As an added side benefit, Mistress K. has been able to enjoy some of the best penetrative sex she has had in years. When she wants to get fucked good, she has me wear the strap on and use the amazing (and expensive) real-life dildo we purchased from She-Vibe. It's called the Goodfella. She loves it! She especially loves that there is zero concern of the action ending because it "went off" before she was finished receiving the pleasure she was getting. It has evolved into our primary way of penetrative sex now, and both of us couldn't be happier. I was mostly denied an orgasm when we used my penis for penetrative sex before anyway, so me not coming was nothing new. Her coming more often and repeatedly was new, and we are both loving every minute of that!
Because of the nearly permanent use of the cage, of course cunnilingus and other sexual activities are all while being caged. When Mistress discovered that I could orgasm while in my cage, she has begun to consider that cumming in my cage will be the primary way in which I am allowed an ejaculation. Most of my ejaculations were via a ruined orgasm in the past anyway, so ....
The (mostly) permanent use of the cage has accelerated and enhanced our WLM in amazing and wonderful ways over the past several months. That, added to the fact that we are now empty nesters, we are both very excited to see where our (rapid) journey will be taking us.
Very good topic Mz. Kaylee. Thank you.
sub hub- Thanks for your very thoughtful and insightful comment. It's great to hear the perspective from someone who has done both the honor system and the chastity device. I also got a good laugh that she makes you wear a strap-on for sex. That's got to be an intense mind fuck for you. Thanks for sharing.
ReplyDeleteThere are many elements to traditional "femdom" or WLM that my wife has rolled her eyes at, and chastity cages are one of them. This is just as well with me because although I've fantasized about wearing one I always worried with her that once it went on she'd decide why bother ever taking it off. As I've written before my wife has openly questioned the need/purpose of the male orgasm, to such an extent that I went nearly two years without one. It was during this time she had me "move out" of her bedroom, increased my chores (from some to all) and more or less redefined the dynamics of our marriage. I suppose I was on the honor system during this time. But my wife also would "inspect" my testicles during this time on the advice of one of her friends, an OB-GYN. She basically advised my wife that the lack of orgasms would not hurt my health but that I should be mindful of any swelling or discomfort.
ReplyDeleteTim - I think my husband shares the same fantasy and fear of chastity devices as you. It's interesting advice from the OB-GYN. There does not seem to be much research available on the connection between health and orgasms.
ReplyDeleteThat was essentially this woman's conclusion too. Like I said, she's a friend of my wife and we've known her for years (which made the whole situation both a bit humiliating and arousing at the same time, oddly). She found "some" research on the benefits mainly in terms of prostate cancer, but she decided that theory was inconclusive at best and basically gave my wife the green light to control my orgasms indefinitely. She advised on periodic/weekly "inspections" more so my wife could keep me truthful than anything else, and ran through how the testicles should look during a cycle where semen is being retained and then ultimately flushed naturally by the body. This too, she said, was not exact science but nevertheless, there I was roughly every week, naked in front of my wife.
DeleteMz Kaylee and Tim. I can sympathize about the fantasy and fear associated with long term use of a cage. In our 11 years in a committed WLM, we started out using a cage, for no other reason than it was something we thought we "had" to do. Silly yes. It was a CB6000, which is a plastic tube that comes in one size and is made for the masses. It was only moderately comfortable, but the real problem had to do with hygiene. Being a mostly enclosed plastic and plastic retainer ring, it frankly quickly started to get a little rank down there and the only way to really clean it was to remove it ... daily. It became a pain in the ass and Mistress K. just got tired of dealing with it, even though it was me that had to keep it clen. All of that changed when we got a custom fit Jail Bird from an outfit called Mature Metal. It was a complete game changer in that it was very easy to keep clean without having to remove it, and it was supremely comfortable to wear long term. During this past Locktober, we both recognized the significant psychological and practicable benefits that came from its constant use. Its constant presence and the symbolism were a source of pride for Mistress K. and served to be a constant reminder of my place in her life and in our marriage. We haven't looked back and currently I am comfortably and happily caged 24/7 (mostly).
DeleteThere are a lot of misconceptions out there regarding a cock cage, mostly porn-fueled. That said, having been a submissive husband that faithfully and successfully existed on the honor system for 9 years, I am now a convert to long term cage usage. Not because it prevents me from masturbating but rather how its use has added such a positive, if only symbolic dynamic to our WLM.
Take that for what it is worth.
sub hub, I don't think your last comment would make my husband feel any better. Lol! Great information. I have no worries with his fear because I know the exciting part far outweighs his fear and these competing emotions are exactly what submissive men enjoy.
DeleteMs. Kaylee,
DeleteI was happy to see this comments thread is active. I don't keep my husband in a chastity device but we play with the Jailbird from time to time. Your comments, sub hub's and Tim R's made an impression on me about controlling my husband and denying him orgasms. This year, he will be experiencing much longer periods between orgasms. I planned to give him two honeymoon periods as I mentioned in early spring and late summer, but I'm not sure I will. After a prolonged teasing session we both enjoyed (poor Phil was drenched him perspiration because we both lost track of time), we couldn't sleep and got some hot chocolate and talked. I teased Phil a little about probably wishing a honeymoon session was starting soon and he said, "Jo, I really don't care at this point. I think I prefer to be denied. I love it. I can't believe the incredible sensations I felt. I was a total mess." I was surprised and even a little sad. I definitely felt like a Mistress! I told him I'd think about it but he will still have longer periods of denial. His prostate has been fine, he loves T & D, and handles denial well. I'm may just stop worrying so much and we'll go for longer periods. I love how he acts, and we'll adjust things if it gets intolerable. Let's face it, he and I both enjoy it.
Regards,
Joan
We started caging his cock because I could not trust him. He was looking at porn and jacking off, and even the severest punishment couldn't stop it. We have also migrated to the Jail Bird. He gets it off when we are together because we both love me teasing and denying him. When he is out of my presence, he is locked. Period. He says he prefers it that way because he has no chance to musbehave. Hysbans
ReplyDeleteorgasms are a privilege, not a right, and must be earned. He is not allowed to ask for one. I decide when and how.
Trina
Typo. Husband orgasms ...
ReplyDeleteHow do you handle a husband who refuses orgasm denial? He says it is a hard limit for him and he will not consent to a FLR if it entails it.
ReplyDeleteWhat is all the fascination with Orgasm control? It just doesn't seem natural for a man. If you are worried you man is masturbating too much maybe he is frustrated at the lack of sex the two of you are having. Harry
ReplyDeleteIt is natural for a man if the man is enlightened. Masturbation prevention is only a part of it and only for some, in some circumstances. Before it (12 years ago) my lust, desire and affection would go down the drain of the shower every morning. After it, my lust, affection, attention and desire is aimed solely at my wife. I orgasm 5-7 times a year, but my sex life life has never been better.
DeleteI agree with Harry on this. The enlightened man does not do Orgasm Control.
Delete