Stupid Google!

So apparently Google had a data breach and it affected my account. Ultimately it lead to me being locked out of my account for a week. Ugh! Not a good solution in today's world.  Anyway....have patience with me as I catch up on e-mails and comments. I was pleased to see continued activity in the comments section of posts. I am enjoying the discussion in Trina's post - Punishment Can Arouse and Still Work.  I especially like the depth of the comments and that the discussion is bringing to light the deeper complexities of punishment and discipline. The more we dig into these dynamics and understand them, the better we can effectively incorporate them into our relationships. I am so proud of you all for engaging in meaningful discussion and thank you Trina for bringing the topic to our attention. I will be sure to add a few comments of my own once I get caught up.

-Mz Kaylee

Punishment Can Arouse - and Still Work (Guest Post by Trina)

Let me start by saying that It has been great to see an increase in comments on the blog and that there are new people commenting and more Females engaging in the conversations. I hope the activity in the comments continues to grow. Whether you are new to WLM or experienced, I encourage you to comment and share your experiences, questions or thoughts. The discussions in the comments often lead to great insights and ideas that others can apply to their own relationship. Hearing from others also helps to validate that WLM is real, is beneficial, and that you are not alone in your quest. Thank you all for your continued engagement.

Having said all that, I am very pleased to publish another post from a Female. In this post Trina, addresses an issue that I am sure many women new to WLM struggle with - "why punish if he gets aroused by it?" It is something that I questioned early in my relationship. A post like this would have helped me many years ago. Thank you Trina for sharing your insights and advice on this important topic. -Mz Kaylee

Punishment Can Arouse – and Still Work

By Trina

My husband is a spanko, so he loves everything about getting spanked except the severe pain during the spanking itself. And yet I effectively use spanking as a punishment, even though he is aroused immediately beforehand and soon afterwards – and he is aroused when he thinks about an upcoming punishment or one that has happened, either recently or long ago. 

Like most dominant wives, I initially believed that punishment needed to be completely separate from sexual activities or feelings, and I tried hard to make that happen. After all, if it turned him on to be punished, wouldn’t he act out on purpose in order to receive punishment? And wouldn’t that negatively impact our WLM/FLR? It certainly would seem so. But as I will explain, that has not turned out to be the case.

As a lifelong spanko, my husband had one basic need when we were dating and deciding whether to have a serious relationship: Spanking needed to be a regular part of any relationship for him. As a switch, he didn’t much care if he was the spanker or the spankee, as long as somebody went over somebody’s knee at least once a week. As a divorcee who had lived a vanilla life, I knew that I wanted to be dominant and use spanking to keep my husband in line. So I told him (and showed him) that I was going to be the spanker and he would need to be satisfied with that. I also told him that the spankings would not be play; they would be real punishment and I would expect them to work in terms of improving his behavior.

I was fearful that he would enjoy my punishment spankings, so I took steps to prevent that: I spanked him severely, to the point that only a true masochist could enjoy it. I forbid any sexual activity after a spanking. I stayed fully dressed during his spankings. I bared his bottom but did not let him be naked. I refused to spank him in our bedroom. I sometimes made him masturbate to completion beforehand so he couldn’t get an erection during the spankings and so the spankings would be more painful.

None of this worked. When I announced a spanking, he would have an instant erection. Yes, I would “spank him soft,” and he definitely would not be enjoying the punishment. But afterwards? He would be hard very soon and he would want to service me orally, which I wanted too but was refusing him in order to try to keep the punishment separate from sex.

At the same time, the punishments improved his behavior. Whatever I spanked him for, he made a renewed effort to obey my wishes. And he was not misbehaving on purpose in order to get punished. This seemed extremely paradoxical to me: How can spanking work as punishment when you love it so much? Punishment is something you should want to avoid, and that desire to avoid it is what improves your behavior. That is reasonable and logical … but not how my submissive male’s mind works.

At first he couldn’t really explain it when I tried to talk to him about it. He would just say, “I’m a spanko, I believe I was born a spanko, I’ve always been one and I will always be one, and that’s all I know.” But as we continued talking about it and I continued thinking about it, a glimmer of understanding began in my mind – helped by his response to other punishments and by our new program of orgasm denial.

As a spanko, he definitely did not care for other punishments: corner time, writing lines, forbidden to watch sports on TV, going to bed early, not sharing my bed, and the one he hates most: being grounded from going out with his buddies. And yet, when I announced any of these punishments he got the beginning of an erection, which he sometimes maintained during the punishment itself. Even when I did the thing he hates absolutely the most – made him call his buddies and tell them that his wife would not allow him to join them (as I listened and giggled) – he often would be hard throughout the phone call!

This was also demonstrated when we started a program of orgasm control. I had not planned on orgasm denial in my marriage. I quite enjoy sexual intercourse (PIV), and particularly mutual orgasm (on the rare occasions when it happened). I never wanted to give that up, and I had begun training him to try to wait for me and then to orgasm with me. He actually was quite good at lasting a long time. His issue was not coming too fast but that sometimes he had trouble maintaining his erection. That was a bit surprising to me for a man in his 30s (at the time) who claimed to find me so arousing. Then I found out why: He was looking at spanking porn and masturbating regularly! Even though I was spanking him weekly as he desired!

That infuriated me. I was deeply offended. He promised to stop, but he would always go back to it. It was truly an addiction, one that he had had since a teenager, and even getting regular spankings wasn’t enough to stop it. I told him it had to change. Eventually he suggested a chastity cage to me. I love his cock and didn’t want it locked away. But I agreed to try it.

Of course it worked for masturbation control. Without the ability to touch himself, he didn’t much care for looking at porn, either. Then we began to notice what many other wives on here have noticed: He enjoyed having his orgasms restricted, especially when I would tease and deny him. Since I have always liked playing with his cock, this became a mutual pleasure. Now I play with him quite regularly in the evenings when he is doing chores for me. I love getting him hard, then sending him off to do a chore, and then when he has to report for inspection seeing if he is still hard. I consider it a compliment to me that he is so aroused by my dominance that he can stay hard throughout a chore! Like other men on here, he says that being teased and denied and allowed very few orgasms is actually better sex than we he came whenever he wanted. A paradox … but one that is clearly proven by the behavior of our submissive husbands!

So, I finally realized a similar paradox: that punishment improved his behavior even though he was aroused by it. I saw that he was very aroused by me scolding him and issuing punishments – by me being dominant and “forcing” him to be submissive. So it wasn’t just spanking that turned him on; it was being controlled by a dominant wife. But that did not mean that the punishments were ineffective. On the contrary, the more I bossed him around, the more obedient he became. There was no way that he was not going to be turned on by punishment and my dominance. So why should I expect that?

It has taken me a while, but I actually have come to the conclusion that arousal can enhance the impact of punishment in terms of improving behavior. I know that may be a controversial conclusion that is different from many wife-led marriages, and I hope that other women will comment.
Trina

 

This and That.... (Guest post by AJ)

Below is just a random collection of things relating to our personal relationship which I have found to be beneficial and which I feel contribute to the continuing success of our marriage. Some of these may have an FLR flavoring to them, but most I think are pretty generic and would apply to all types of relationships. Hopefully these may come in handy to some of you, even if its just as a reminder of something which you already do or which is already some part of your life, but just have forgotten to do or think about lately. Some of these might come in handy with Valentines day just around the corner…..

1) I still love it very much when my husband randomly and without being in any sort of “trouble”, brings me home a nice bouquet of flowers. Nothing extravagant, just those $10 grocery store bundles. It still makes me feel very special and loved.

2) I still love it when he randomly plants a kiss on my lips and tells me that he loves me (and means it). No ulterior motive working in his mind, just a simple genuine expression of love. Men don’t ever be stingy with this one.

3) Same as 2 above but this time me doing the talking and the kissing.

4) I watch my diet AND exercise regularly both for my benefit as well as his. Now that I’m in my fifties (sshhhh) those extra pounds seem to get put on quicker than in those earlier years, and are also considerably harder to work off. I also try to moderate my alcohol intake especially on these cold wintry and Covid influenced days (and nights). It’s important, I believe, to try to stay physically attractive to our spouses. A healthy mind and body are a big leg up on staying desirable.

5) What I just wrote above in 4, applies to him every bit as well. Given my position of dominance in our marriage, I am able to promote and enforce a healthier lifestyle for my husband. So this is an easier win for me had I (We) not been in an FLR.

6) Going further with the healthy mind and body theme, we make it a point to read books to keep our minds active and to stay active in the pursuit of knowledge and personal growth material. Every other Wednesday night we head to our local library. This is an actual date we have on our calendars. We each find a book of interest and try to read those books within the 2 week spans we have in between those library nights. As a woman, I find an intelligent mind extremely attractive. We kind of make a night of it, after finding our books, we head over to the local coffee shop and enjoy a nice coffee or tea, and a pastry or sandwich, and we just discuss life while we are there. Usually nothing sexual at all in our discussions (although some times I might play a little bit of footsie under the table with his little caged package), but I find the whole intellectual outing process alluring of itself. I believe that keeping the mind active helps prevent and ward off things like early onset Alzheimer's. Anyhow it works for us and we both really enjoy these nights out.

7) Turn the tables every now and then. The vast majority of days I am on the receiving end of his pampering, and he genuinely enjoys doing that for me, but everyone deserves an unexpected treat every now and then. So once and a while I give him the night off so to speak, and do some catering to his needs whether its a full body massage or whatever (no it doesn't mean he gets an orgasm…)

8) Be generous with praise and kind words. Be affectionate. What goes around, tends to come around.

9) Sometimes, believe it or not, I am not in the mood for sex. In my case, the vast majority of the time sex means oral from my husband and I really enjoy and love it most nights. But not every single night. Sometime you have your period as well… On some of those nights our “alternative activity” is for me to nurse my husband while laying in bed. While there is a slight sexual overtone to doing this as a couple, its mostly about sharing emotions for us. My husband goes to this deep wonderful emotional place when he’s at my breast, and… so do I. I love it. I have a post somewhere here on this site which discusses that further.

10) Surprise me every now and then and take me out to dinner. Emphasis on surprise. We don’t eat out often, for budgetary reasons and for the fact that we enjoy our own home cooked meals, but an occasional night out really hits the spot every now and then and makes everyone feel a bit special. The local diner is perfectly fine, doesn't have to be fancy and expensive.

11) Random foot massages/soaks and neck massages are always wonderful and appreciated. No FLR or sexual component needed. Random small scale pampering to say I love you and that I appreciate you. Again feel free to turn the tables on this one every now and then.

As I think of more items which we periodically enjoy and find beneficial as a couple, I will post again. Hopefully some of the ones I included above will resonate with some of you, and you can give them a try in your relationship if they are not already present. Enjoy life and one another. It can’t always be centered on sex. Keeping the passion alive in your relationship can take so many forms outside of that.

-AJ

Permanent Behavior Modification

One aspect of the Wife Led Marriage (WLM) lifestyle that I have come to enjoy is permanently modifying the behavior of my husband. I get a thrill out of using my feminine power and control over him to change his habits, his thoughts, and mindset. I am not talking about fantasy or physical control. I am talking about a deep emotional change in his being and the way he thinks. It was my husband who first brought this concept to light for me. It was about a year and half after our formal WLM began, that he confessed to me some deep thoughts on behavior change. He did not call it behavior modification and I don't think at the time he realized how deep and profound his confessions were but they certainly struck a chord with me.

What he shared with me was that he had been reflecting back on his life over the past few years and realized that he was a much different person now then he was prior to our WLM (for context this occurred 15+ years ago, so 'now' was actually 15+ years ago). He further explained that my authority over him was very real to him and not fantasy play; that his natural instinct was to always obey me and look to me for approval. He gave examples such as, whenever I punish or discipline him, he does not think twice about accepting it and complying with it. The thought of resisting or arguing never occurs because he knows he must obey, much like a young child obeys his mom because she is the ultimate authority and in the child's mind, he/she has no other choice. He also gave the example that whenever someone invites him or us to an event, whether it be a social gathering, dinner, or weekend away, his first thought is to run it by me for approval. It does not even occur to him anymore to accept the invite on his own (fast forward to current day and most of our mutual friends have picked up on this and have learned to ask me and not him. Now I make the arrangements and just inform him on what we are doing). Ultimately he confessed to me that he became very aroused when he came to the realization that my control and dominance over him had changed him as a person, including his natural instincts and his thought processes. He liked that I had 'molded' him and the realization of all this made him feel even more submissive to me. 

"Wow!" was what I was saying in my head. At first it seemed crazy to me, but the more it sank in, the more it made sense, and I liked what I was hearing. The main reason that I decided to fully embrace the WLM lifestyle was because I started experiencing many benefits from my husband's submission to me. The improvement in my lifestyle was noticeable as a result of him taking on more chores, pampering me, and accepting my word as the final word in all matters. When I realized how much I was benefiting from controlling him, I made the conscious decision to fully commit to a WLM. After committing to WLM, I was happy with the things my husband was doing but it never occurred to me that his actions were really the result of changes in his thought process and mindset. When he shared this with me, it made me realize how life changing my control over him is. That's so deep!

His confession years ago, intrigued me and I became fascinated with the emotional impact of female domination. Naturally that interest influenced they way I used my feminine power over Thomas. I became more in tune the emotional side of domination and submission. As a result, I began to look for ways to exert my control in a manner that not only benefited me but also influenced his emotional state. Some of it was just for fun and some of it was because I knew it would turn him into puddy in my hands. My dominance quickly became much more effective.  For example, I became very purposeful in the words that I used when talking to him and giving him orders because I knew certain words had a definite impact on his mental state such as calling him "slave" or "pet," referring to him as a girl or little boy, telling him "good boy" or "good girl," and telling him he looked cute in his panties. 

I also experimented with conditioning him to get aroused. I am sure most of you heard of the experiment of Pavlov's Dog, where Pavlov continually showed a hungry dog food and rang a a bell. The dog would salivate at the site of the food. Eventually, Pavlov just rang the bell and the dog salivated because his brain connected the sound of the bell to the sight of the food. Sorry guys, but you and your penis's are just the like Pavlov's dog.  A little teasing of my husband's cock each time I asked for a massage eventually turned into him getting aroused by me asking for a massage, and that still happens today.  It works with smell to. I once wore the same perfume every time I played with his cock. Then a few weeks later I sat next to him on the couch, wearing the same perfume, and *boom* suddenly he got all frisky with me.  You guys are so easily conditioned!

Those were fun little experiments, but it is exciting to train and condition him for longer term behavior modification. It sounds like fantasy talk, but it is all true. Behavior and thoughts are changed over time through a structured and controlled environment, that includes accountability, discipline, repetition and positive reinforcement. When this is all highly correlated or linked to his arousal and sexual desires, the impact is significant. I would even say it is life changing. Over the years, through my continuous control over my husband, he has been transformed into an obedient slave for me, not just by his actions, but also in the way he thinks, talks to me, and responds to me. When I ask for something to be done, there is no longer any hesitation. It is his natural reaction to jump at my command. I love that! 

This "husband 2.0" is making my life easier and more exciting. He is literally providing me a higher standard of living by treating me like a Queen. To be clear, this does not mean he does not think on his own and waits on me every second of the day. That is not what I want in a slave husband. No, he has personality, he thinks on his own, makes decisions, and has a say in many decisions. What is different is that much of the way he thinks and acts has been influenced by my control and is done with top consideration for my needs and desires. I've managed to wring out many of his annoying and bad habits over the years! What's fantastic about all this is he loves it also. Knowing that he is being molded by my control is very exciting for him and touches deep into his submissive craving. It is a win-win for both of us.

The training and conditioning never ends either, at least not for me. A few months ago, I began another training project with him. I will write about that in my next post.

-MzKaylee