Be Consistent With Your Authority and Control

I would like to call out a comment made by 'Wifey" on my post "Elevate Your Dominance / Strengthen his Submission"  He wrote:

"As a sub it is deflating when the Domme is hit or miss in taking the lead and I experienced 'sub drop' entirely too often because of my partners' lack of consistently taking control. And that caused me anxiety which led to me acting out."

I hear this complaint about lack of consistency from the leader frequently from submissive men.  It is a valid issue and women leaders need to be aware of it, understand it and take steps to avoid it.  My guess is that it is a common issue in newer FLR relationships but even those of us that are more seasoned are challenged from time-to-time with being consistent in our authority.

First let's understand the issue. Submissive men are at their best and happiest when they are under the control of a woman and in a structured environment in which they are held accountable for their actions.  They need this structure and authority; they want it, desire it, and crave it!!  The feeling of being controlled and under the power of a woman is addictive for them and they can not get enough of it.  When they reach sub-space it is their 'high.' The more they experience this control, the more submissive they become and submission is the feeling they desire and crave.  

Creating rules and structure for the submissive to follow sets expectations for the sub. When he seeks to meet these expectations it gives him a sense of fulfillment in serving his wife. When the wife provides regular feedback, both positive and negative, it keeps the sub focused and his fulfillment grows.  If the wife starts to falter in providing the structure or enforcing the rules, it creates confusion for the sub and he begins to lose the sense of fulfillment.  

A woman's authority and control is like a cozy warm blanket (on a cold day) to the male.  He takes comfort in it and wants to be wrapped in it.  The tighter it's wrapped around him the more he enjoys it and does not want to leave it.  When it starts to loosen or fall away he becomes uncomfortable and left out in the cold and then he becomes moody 😕.

When structure and authority falters, it can have a huge emotional toll on the sub and lead to the sub drop that Wifey mentioned. Often times in these situations the sub begins to question the relationship and commitment from the leader.  Overtime the submissive can experience many emotions which can include disappointment, sadness, anger, and even depression. Often times they will keep this to themselves because they don't want to be seen as complaining to the leader or they may be too confused to express themselves or they are just trying to figure out why their leader is not as engaged. The signs of the faltering structure are evident in the relationship. The sub becomes lax with his chores, communication is less frequent, and intimacy falls away. These deficiencies usually start with small things but grow to bigger and bigger deficiencies overtime.  The wife usually will not notice until the relationship starts to break down or the sub finally gets the courage to express his feelings. By this point, damage has been done and it will take some rebuilding to get the relationship back on track.  It's never too late for this, but our goal as leaders should be to never let the relationship get to this point.  We can prevent this by being consistent in our leadership and authority.

To help understand the subs point of view, think about your own experience in the work place and the people you have worked for.  What managers did you like the most and why? What managers did you like the least and why? Employees typically do better under a manager who is clear with expectations, consistently supporting them and providing regular positive and constructive feedback. On the flip side employees often get frustrated and stressed when they have a manager who is inconsistent in his/her approach, does not set clear expectations, and changes his/her mind frequently.

When it comes to FLR's, I think there are several common causes for inconsistent control and leadership.  I have outlined these below:

In-experienced or New Domme  
  
In new FLRs, inconsistent authority and control is probably a common issue, especially when it is the male who is introducing the concept. The cause in this situation is that the wife does not fully understand the dynamics of being dominant since she is in the process of learning.  Running a FLR is not intuitive to most women so it takes time to learn.  It is also challenging and can be tiresome to be consistent all the time when you are learning.  Additionally, the inexperienced person may not even realize that they are not being inconsistent or may not realize the need to be consistent.

Communication and education are key tools to overcome the issue in this situation.  If the dominant person is unsure or lacks confidence, then the submissive needs to frequently communicate his feelings and thoughts and needs to reassure the dominant person. With an in-experienced Dominant, there may be a need for the sub to use "Topping" (or "Top from the bottom."). Topping is a term that describes when a submissive person influences or directs the dominate person to dominate them in the way they want. Topping is typically frowned upon and considered an unacceptable practice. However, in my opinion, when you have an in-experienced dominant, topping is often needed to help the dominant person learn techniques for dominating. One challenge with topping is that it is biased towards the submissive's desires and may result in the dominant person being unintentionally mislead. However, the hope is that as the dominant learns and builds her confidence, she begins to refocus the sub towards her and eventually puts an end to the topping.

If you are a new or in-experienced Dominate you should spend time reading about FLRs and female domination. This will provide you with ideas and techniques for using loving female authority in your marriage or relationship. It will also reassure you that you are not alone and that FLRs or female domination is a normal part of many relationships and not just fantasy. You should read a variety of articles, blogs, books, and forums. Where possible, reaching out to other Dominates is another great way to learn and build confidence. Using e-mail or posting on forums is a way to do this while staying anonymous.  

There is a ton of information on the web about FLRs and female domination. Unfortunately a lot of it is way off base or fantasy fodder. The best thing to do is read as much as possible and experiment with things that resonate you. The more you read, the more you will be able to distinguish between the crazy advice and the meaningful advice. However, be sure to keep an open mind and be willing to try new things. Some of the ideas that sound a bit crazy, often times turn out to be very effective. Am I confusing you?  What is crazy and what is not?  It is often challenging to figure this out.  You just need to give things a try and see what works or not.  If it works - great!  If not, laugh about it and move on.

If you are a sub trying to get your wife to be more dominant, you can print out articles or posts for her to read. Just be sure to provide a balance of topics and not just things that you find "hot". It is also important for you to encourage and support her in order to build her confidence. Subs often complain about what their wife is not doing and spend little time showing appreciation for what she is doing. If she does something that you really liked or drove you wild, make sure you tell her that you really liked it and thank her for doing it.  Say nothing else!  That will go a long way in reassuring her, building her confidence, and making her happy.

She is too busy, stressed, or dealing with issues
Consistency often drops off when things get hectic in life or the person is experiencing stress or dealing with a personal issue. Some common causes include work (stress at work, working late hours, etc.), health issues, family issues, or a hectic personal schedule (dealing with kids, volunteer work, etc.). When life gets hectic or stressful, there is less time for the Dominate to focus on the submissive so things like discipline sessions and sex play often become less frequent due to a lack of time or because her mind is just not into it. When a person is stressed or busy they may become inward focused in order to cope.  

There are things the domme can do to help get through the busy or stressful times, while still keeping the FLR intact.  They key is to recognize when these situations are going to occur or are occurring, and be proactive about handling the situation. As I shared in my previous post, sometimes these situations arise without warning and are out of our control. Communicating with the sub is important during these times. There is nothing wrong with sitting down with your husband and letting him know that you are going through a stressful time and need his help.  Doing this does not mean you are 'weak' or that you are giving up control. Quite the opposite is true.  It takes a strong leader to be able to do this and you are being a very effective leader by recognizing the situation as adjusting for it.  You are still the one in control. You are just re-setting expectations. 

Let him know that you are not going to have as much time to spend with him but you still need his support. Explain that he needs to keep up with chores and continue to serve and obey you even though you may not have as much time together.  You may even assign him additional chores or tasks to help alleviate some of your stress. Something I emphasized with my husband was that a clean house helps me relax.  When I come home to a messy house, my stress increases. Therefore, by keeping the house clean and keeping up with his chores he is helping me.

The nice thing is that the foundation you have built in your FLR will be a tremendous help during these times. He is already conditioned to obey you and he desires to serve you and make you happy and so he will do whatever you want to help get through the tough time. The daily routines that your sub does and the expectations you have established with him can and should continue even though you are not directing him as much. Over time with less direction or enforced authority, the sub naturally becomes less motivated; however, this is why it is important to have the open communication with your sub so that he understands what is going on and stays motivated. Submissive men want to please you and make you happy and so they will be motivated to do more for you if they know you are going through a tough time.  The desire of the sub to serve and please you is a trait the will serve you greatly during the tough times. Rather than trying to deal with your stress or hectic situation by yourself, you need to tap into your sub and have him help you.  Not only does this help you but it also builds trust with your husband and gives him fulfillment in serving you.

During the tough or stressful times, spending some quality time with your husband is very important.  This is where many couples struggle (including me and my husband) because in these situations, finding the time is often challenging or mentally you may not be thinking about it. However, it is in your best interest to carve out this special time. This will help you stay 'connected' with each other and will alleviate some of your stress. It can be as simple as going to bed at the same so that you have a few minutes to talk before going to sleep or having breakfast together. Planning a 'date night' once a week or once a month is another good technique for ensuring you get quality time together.

In you are the submissive in the relationship, in these situations you need to go out of your way to support your wife and help her cope. Simply being a good listener or buying her a small gift to help her feel better can have a big positive impact. You need to accept that some of the regular routines may be disrupted in the short-term until the issue is resolved and you need to keep up with chores and expectations even though your wife may not be providing you feedback or motivation to do these things. If you start to see the signs that her dominance is falling off, talk to her about what's going on. Be careful not to make the conversation all about you. Your goal should be to understand what is causing her stress because if you can solve that, it will ultimately benefit you. Offer to help out by taking on more chores, planning a date night or doing something that will help solve or issue.

Different expectations between the Dominant and Submissive
If there are different expectations for the level of authority and control in the relationships, it can create the feeling of inconsistent authority for the sub.  This is issue arises in new FLRs when the sub is the one introducing the concept. I will address this situation in my next post.

These are my thoughts and advice about being consistent with authority.  I welcome your feedback and discussion on the topic.

-MzKaylee

 

The Importance of Communication

It seems so obvious that open communication is key to any successful relationship.   It's the first thing most people will cite when giving advice about relationships.  There's no doubt it is true but let's acknowledge that it is not always easy.  Sometimes communicating the truth or unpleasant news is difficult or uncomfortable.  In my posts I've written about the importance of communication and I try to lead by example, but I have to admit that occasionally I have faltered in this area.

Recently I was dealing with several personal issues that were challenging for me.  As a result of these issues, let's just say my leadership in the FLR lapsed quite a bit and I was more focused on the issues in front of me rather than being the leader.  As a result, there was some strain in our relationship.  Our normal routine began to fade, intimacy took a back seat, and little-by-little Thomas became lapse in his chores.

Something that upset me was that I felt Thomas was not acknowledging the issues I was dealing with or showing concern for me. However, rather than bring this to his attention, I kept it to myself.  As time went by, there was an obvious distance between us and soon my upset turned to anger.  Finally, I confronted Thomas about it.  What I learned surprised me.  All along Thomas felt that he was showing concern.  As he shared examples with me, I could see that he was right.  He was reaching out to me but I was the one shutting him out. He also noticed the distance between us but to him he felt that I needed that distance to sort things out.  What I learned was that he was not happy with the situation either but to him accepting the situation without complaining was a way of supporting me.

What I learned from all of this is that my anger had no real basis.  Thomas was concerned for me and was trying to support me.  It was just not in ways that I expected and in some cases I was not allowing him to support me. Looking back what I should have done was open up to Thomas with my issues and seek support from him, I needed support from him in a different way than what he was providing, but there was no way for him to know that without me telling him.  If I felt I was not getting that support, I should have discussed it with him rather than let it upset me and build to anger.  Had I taken that approach, things still would have been tough because you just can't avoid 'life issues,' but it would have eliminated some of the stress and anger that surfaced.

I am sure many of you can relate to this type of situation.  As much as we know the right things that should be done with communication, the reality of following those rules is much harder, especially when you are under stress or if the communication is on a difficult topic,  When we avoid communication, it often leads to us harboring negative feelings which creates stress and negative emotions such as anger or depression. However, through open discussion and honesty, these emotions can be avoided or short-lived.  The outcome may not always be what you wanted but at least it will give you direction and the ability to move forward.

I am happy to say that Thomas and I are back on track and we did it through open discussion.  There was no arguing or placing blame. It was just two people trying to understand what went wrong and how to correct it.  Through our discussion we acknowledged and re-affirmed that I am the leader in the relationship and he is submissive to me. I believe this positioning helped facilitate the discussion and avoided argument. For example, when I addressed this issue of him lapsing on his chores he immediately accepted responsibility and apologized.

Often times in relationships people never confront each other with issues and continue to harbor negative feelings, which ultimately damages the relationship.  While I may have had a small lapse in communication skills, when I did communicate I was able to get us back on track.  I feel very strongly that the FLR that we have in place helped me overcome this bump in the road and get us back on track quickly.  When I finally came to my senses, I was able to discuss my concerns with Thomas in a very direct manner, with confidence, and in a leadership position.

Three key points that I hope you as the readers can take away from my experience are:

  1) If you start to feel anxiety or stress over something in the relationship, recognize it as a sign that you need to talk to to the person about it, no matter how difficult the discussion. Try not to let it build to something bigger such as anger or depression.

  2) If for some reason #1 above does not happen and your emotions build to something bigger, it's never too late to discuss. It's never too late to get back on track again. The sooner you address the issue the better.

  3) The dynamics of a FLR encourages communication and builds stronger relationships. I hope you can see this from the things I wrote in this post as well as many of my previous posts.

-Mz Kaylee

The Power of Silence

On occasion I will prohibit my husband from speaking unless I ask him a direct question or give him permission to speak.  If asked a question or given permission to speak, he is to be  brief and to the point.  Preventing your husband from speaking is a powerful tool to get him focused on you and to reinforce your control over him and his submissiveness.

There are two situations in which I put this rule into effect.  The first is when I feel he is focused too much on himself.  Sometimes he gets in these moods where he is just whining or complaining or frankly just babbling and I get tired of it so I put the rule into effect.  Ahh...the silence is nice!    When he is silent it helps reset his mood and refocus his attention back to me. It is not easy to be silent and so he has to work at it.  If he wants something from me he has to first decide if it is important enough to bother me with. Then he has to figure out how to communicate it to me.  He may write it down, do some silly gesture, or ask for permission to speak,  It really is quite cute some times.  What I like the most is that when I give an order, he obeys immediately without comment.  He is my speechless slave.  When I talk to him he listens intently and does not comment.  It is so nice to be listened to :).  The forced silence has a wonderful submissive effect on him.

The second situation in which I use this rule is when I want to have fun with him and exert my dominance over him.  If I am in one of my moods where I just want to dominate for kinky fun (and he loves these moods), I may put this rule into effect since it immediately puts him into a listening and submissive mode.  Then it is just me spouting off orders and him obeying.  He becomes so submissive so quickly in these situations.  It's also fun taking him out in public when the silence rule is in effect.  The dynamic is so much fun at a restaurant when he can not speak and I must order for him and take care of everything with the waiter/waitress.

I typically only keep this rule in effect for one day.  Sometimes I may enforce it for the whole weekend or several nights during the week to get him refocused.  There are a few exceptions that I allow.  He can communicate with the kids, but only if there is a need or they engage him in conversation. If friends or family come over, the rule is relaxed temporarily. Otherwise, he is expected to be silent.

I encourage you to use this technique in your relationship.  I think you will like the results.

-Mz Kaylee.

Happily Surprised

I am thrilled to share the post below from Jessica, who has been kind enough to share her experience and thoughts on taking the lead in her marriage. Special thanks to Jessica for her willingness to share and for taking the time to write this post.

-Mz Kaylee

I have commented before (somewhere) on this blog that I have been surprised by what I have come to see increasingly as a "lifestyle".  I feel like it is a bottomless and often very exciting sort of "pit".  For me, though it still feels quite new, I am continually amazed by how deep and powerful it can be.

It is no secret to my friends (or past boyfriends) that I "wear the pants" in my marriage.  Since high school I have always been a bit "brash" and never really hesitated to take the lead in directing boys.That part of things is just in me I guess.  Probably like many women I preferred to be leading things a bit and I usually found boys pretty easy to "direct".  I don't think, however, that I thought a whole lot about it and even though I was "dominant" I sort of thought that's how things were.  I did not think of "deepening" that natural dynamic much.  I played around with guys a bit but I never gave the apparent fact that I could be dominant when I wanted much thought.

I was intrigued when I came across images or stories of "dominant women".  Occasionally I'd see a movie or a show where a dominatrix was portrayed.  When I lived in the City I recall seeing advertisements in tabloid-like papers for "mistresses" or dominant women for men.  I remember sitting in a coffee shop with a girlfriend one day as we flipped through the papers and I was amazed at just how many advertisements there were!  Obviously there was a big market for dominant women to engage with submissive men.  Lots of the themes seemed to be about "punishment" or "control"and having a "mistress" who directs you.  This was all very interesting, though at that point I think I still thought of it as a sort of "fantasy play" that some people were very in to.  It interested me a lot but I did not think of it as much more than just fantasy.

The Internet has been a virtual treasure for me.  I am sure I would not be where I am in my marriage right now without it. I don't know that I would have taken the time or known how to go find information without it.  When I began to look for information, of course a lot of odd or fake material would come up. But here and there (as in with this wonderful blog of Mz. Kaylee) I found things that were quite obviously real. I found terms like "female led" or "wife led" rather than just "dominatrix".  I'll never forget reading some story on the net from some "Plain Jane seeming" lady who was from the mid west and simply directed her husband in all their affairs - in and out of the house.  I was intrigued by it.  

I guess what has begun to intrigue me most is how visceral and real it can be.  I think there are some men who need/want and  are simply more comfortable being "under" a woman.  It can take a bit to have him know that or "fess up" - maybe that is because he feels he is not "supposed" to be that way.  I am increasingly thinking this is a kind of energy and dynamic that cannot be  denied - maybe it is biology...or part nurture...but I have been stunned by how real and deep it can be.  It can afford a very deep kind of intimacy and vulnerability I think.

If someone had told years ago that upon marriage I could put my husband on an exercise cycle, have him do 95% of the household chores, direct him on eating and diet, maintain full control of finances (yes, now including his paycheck), control the sex 100%, always be orgasmic, have oral sex be received on demand, be the sole final decision maker on vacation plans and all other social plans, be served meals in my own house - and have my husband be a willing and very excited happy participant in all of it ---- I would have said no way!  I guess that is what is most amazing - how excited (yes, even thrilled at times) he seems to be to do things for me and make me happy. It seems I am "feeding him" by "allowing him" to do so.  Wild.  

The sexuality is a whole other domain.  I cannot imagine going this emotionally deep without the dominant dynamic. Maybe some people can but for me it is hard to fathom.  I have found deeper and deeper levels of connection and need and vulnerability.  I hope this does not offend anyone, but there was a time I thought the notion of someone "belonging" to someone was a bit much - even in marriage or long term relationship.  I now do feel that I "own" my husband.  I do feel he "belongs" to me - yes in the full sense of that word.  However, I also recognize that with that power comes responsibility and I hope I do not take it for granted.

 Jessica
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Elevate Your Dominance / Strengthen his Submission

Something that has been fascinating to me is how the 'power' or control in my marriage has evolved over the years since we began our FLR.  When a couple embarks on a FLR it is not as simple as flipping a switch and everything changes.  It is a journey where both parties evolve and work at figuring out the right balance of power and control. There are varying degrees of power; the right balance is different for each couple and I have also discovered the right balance changes over time.

Thomas and I were married for many years prior to experimenting with FLR.  In those years, our marriage was clearly a marriage of equals.  Neither one of us was more dominant than the other in the marriage.  Thomas was the one who brought the FLR concept to me.  At first it was fun and fantasy play for me.  Thomas probably took it more serious than me.

At that point in time, I did not feel any change in control in our marriage because it was just fantasy play to me.  However, about a year or two later, there was a difference.  The fantasy play evolved into something real. I had clear expectations for Thomas and there were consequences for him if he did not meet them or if he disobeyed me. One day, Thomas confessed to me that he felt my control over him was real and that he no longer felt we were in a marriage of equals. This confession was strange to hear but he was right.  I had clearly taken the lead in the relationship and had power over him. It was not tremendous power, but it was power.  I'd say it was about a 60/40 split.

If it was up to Thomas, the power would have been shifted much more in my favor but I just was not ready for that.  However, over time I grew as the leader and became more confident in my dominance. My expectations for him became even greater and my influence over him grew.  His desire to serve and please me grew.  I became the final voice in decision making and there was a growing expectation that he ask me for permission to do things.  The power shifted again...60/40, then 65/35, and even higher now.  The numbers are somewhat arbitrary but the point is that my power over him has grown stronger over the years.  Likewise his submissive desires are stronger and his desire to serve, obey, and please me are much greater than when we first started our FLR. It is a thrilling evolution that we both find exciting.  In the early years there was a lot of learning, trial and error, and even conflict to achieve the power dynamic.  However, at some point it turned into a natural evolution for us.  Probably around the 65/35 mark, the power exchange just took on a life of its own and grew naturally.  Perhaps it was because of my new confidence and comfort in the leadership position or maybe it was because Thomas became comfortable in his submission and became so in tune with me that he knew the right ways to serve and satisfy me and therefore his submission evolved even more.

There are many factors that created the power dynamic in our relationship. The most influential factor was me taking control of his orgasms.  Men think about sex pretty much every day and so when you take control of their sex, you become their central focal point.  When they know they have to satisfy you in order to earn an orgasm, you gain instant power over them. Another influential factor was punishment and discipline.  When you punish a man, he learns that there are real consequences for his actions and disobedience.  When he accepts the punishment, he is acknowledging your authority over him. This is incredibly powerful.  The first time I punished Thomas I felt like it had a tremendous psychological effect on him. It really hit home to him hat he was beneath me in the hierarchy of authority and power. Regular discipline sessions also added to my authority. This was another one of those activities that at first seemed silly and more fantasy play to me.  However, after a few sessions, they began to take on a more serious tone. I used these sessions to set expectations for Thomas for the week and to review his performance from the previous week. During the sessions he was always in a submissive position to me, either over my lap, kneeling, or bent over. My discipline sessions do not involve beating him.  I use a riding crop but there is more talking and discussion than spanking.  The spanking is just to reinforce my points and to emphasize my authority.  The repetitiveness of doing this on a regular basis reinforced the submissive/dominant bond between us. The more I disciplined him the more obedient and submissive he became.

There are many other subtle and no so subtle actions that shifted the power in my favor over the years but I think orgasm control and punishment and discipline were the most influential.  These are my observations now as I look back over our relationship and how it has evolved. I had no idea the effect of these things while I was doing them.  It is fascinating at how it all flows so naturally for us now.  My husband's natural reaction is to look to me for decisions and I don't think twice about ordering him to do things for me when I need something or correcting him if he is not meeting my expectations.  I don't think either of us can even imagine being in 50/50 relationship.

Something I have learned is to not underestimate the mental/psychological aspects at play in a FLR. There are many small actions that influence and impact the mind including the words you use, visual cues, and physical actions..  The more you can understand these actions and their effect, the more effective you can be as the leader, not only in influencing your husband but also in creating a thrilling and fun experience for him.