Follow-up post to "How Has Your FLR Progressed?" (Guest post by Buttercup)

Below is a post that was submitted to me by Buttercup, a Female leader, in response to my post earlier this year, asking how everyone’s FLR has progressed over time. It is wonderful and enlightening to hear other peoples real life experiences with FLR. Thank you Buttercup for sharing.  -Mz Kaylee 

 

It was just over a year ago that my BB (Bitch Boy) asked to move our interludes playing with a FLR into a 24/7 lifestyle.  In many ways it was an unknown destination that had been part of our 25 year marriage for a long time. Yet, it was still a shock to both of us to take the step and make the commitment. The longest we had gone with BB in chastity prior to this request was 8 months.  It had ended in a heated argument and extreme frustration on both our parts.

 

BB’s sexuality has been the driving force behind our early adoption of chastity as play and now the FLR.  I would say that up until a year ago my greatest contribution has been a willingness to participate in dress up and role-play scenes without (too much) judgement of his submissive mindset.  I never identified myself as dominant but some experimentation took me out of the submissive camp early on. But our play always revolved around the “fantasy.” His – not mine.  Me in corsets, and heels – teasing and denying him right to the edge. And then repeat.

 

It has taken me a long time to really wrap my head around the concept of a FLR.  There were many reasons for this but primarily:

1) it was always “play” and didn’t really extend to me having full control over anything

2) in “regular” life, BB has a very forceful, type ‘A’ personality that created certain dynamics in our relationship that aren’t easily set aside

3)I am, by nature, a giver and want to do for others. Demanding service from BB has required a significant mind shift.

 

Nevertheless, after two years of Covid and on the cusp of having teenagers ready to leave the nest, both of us were taking stock of what we wanted for the next phase of our life.  This was part of the lead up to the conversation of adopting a full time FLR. This may also be the right point to interject that monogamy as a concept was never something I fully understood or embraced.  BB’s absolute disinterest in any form of discussion on the subject boxed it into the fantasy category but a restlessness persisted in me – especially during the doldrums of child rearing.

 

It was a game changer that, when BB approached me about a full-time FLR, he acknowledged that full-control extended to my sexual exploration as well as his. If I wanted to take a lover, for example, he would have no choice but accept it. In my eyes this raised the stakes and levelled the playing field.  Finally, I could truly see something truly in it for ME. 

 

Now, since that time, I’ve realized that an FLR offers many things for me.  But that was definitely the hook.

 

A year later we have made a lot of progress turning our FLR into a workable lifestyle. We still have one child at home so our shifts have had to be subtle and often behind closed doors.  There have been a couple heated blow-ups but both of us agree that there is no “going back.” We can only continue forward in whatever form our relationship takes.  BB freely admits he is better under my control. And I, as his Queen, continue to broaden my control and flex my power while exploring the outer edges of my personal boundaries.

 

There are ebbs and flows to this dynamic like any relationship. But, our FLR is a constant topic of discussion between us.  What’s working, what’s not?  How do we manage it when one of us is away? How to keep BB in a submissive mindset? How often does he get to orgasm? What is the role of punishment and discipline? And of course, what about moving into a non-monogamous lifestyle (for me anyway)? I’ve decided that non-monogamy is something we’re not quite ready for.  There are too many kinks still to work out in our day-to-day FLR but it’s an exciting possibility on the horizon.

 

This move to an FLR has made us both feel like we’re embarking on a brand new relationship – even though we’ve been married for almost half our lives. The problems that we have, feel like good problems instead of a tired rehashing of the same marital conversations.  We have more honesty now with each other than at any other time of our relationship and our sexual chemistry has only gotten better. 

 

As BB’s Queen, the next 25 years will be under my control.  This is my world now – he just gets to live in it.

-Buttercup

How I Incorporate Humiliation into my Wife Led Marriage (WLM)

The Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines humiliation as “to reduce (someone) to a lower position in one’s own eyes or others eyes: to make (someone) ashamed or embarrassed.”

When thinking about the perspective of submissive guys, there is a correlation between humiliation and what a submissive desires. At the core of a submissive, is the desire to yield to a higher authority and be beneath her authority. Humiliation is a method for the wife to exert power over a person. For many submissives, humiliation sparks deep sexual arousal by creating a feeling of being controlled and manipulated by a woman’s feminine power. When the man craves this humiliation, it can be a healthy form of domination for the dominant wife. She can use humiliation to serve two main purposes: 1) As fantasy play to heighten his arousal and bring him pleasure and 2) As a means to drop his mind into deep submission, which makes him more obedient. Both of these purpose are desired by the submissive and will strengthen his loyalty to her.

I personally do not like or support humiliation that involves harshly yelling at a guy or harshly demeaning him such as and calling him pathetic or a loser, or spitting on him. This does not seem beneficial to the relationship and over time can have a negative and detrimental effect on the individual. This type of humiliation is often what you see on porn websites. Some guys get off on this and will pay women to humiliate them in this way. However, in my opinion this type of humiliation is not what a WLM or FLR is about and is not healthy for the submissive. I’m sure there are exceptions, but most women in a committed relationship do not want their husband to feel or act like a loser.

I am more subtle and seductive with humiliation. I use humiliation in a loving way to get my husband’s arousal flowing and to push him into deep submission to me. I know, “loving humiliation” is an oxymoron but it is a real thing. Let me explain. For my husband, the biggest source of humiliation comes in the form of “forced” panty wearing. I use quotes, because while I require him to wear panties, it is really what he wants. When he slides on a pair of panties in front of me, he is embarrassed but he is also fully aroused. It started out as just occasional kink play and eventually turned into him being in panties 24/7.  In fact, just recently when I had him move his clothes out of the master bedroom closet and into the spare bedroom (see my post on taking ownership of the bedroom), he came across his boring boy underwear that I had him pack away several years ago. He asked me if he would ever be allowed to wear them again. I laughed and said, “You already know the answer to that question.” Then I pointed to the trash can and told him there was no need to keep them around anymore. Out in the trash they went!

He has been in panties 24/7 for several years now because I like the effect they have on him. The humiliation does not stop there. I’ve also bought him sissy panties that he has to wear for certain occasions. They are silk panties designed for men and are accented with frilly lace and ribbons. These add a whole additional level of embarrassment and excitement for him because of the sissy connotation. I have to admit, that I do like how he looks in them. In addition to requiring him to wear panties, I will often refer to him as a girl or tell him he is acting like a girl. I don’t yell at him. I do it in a fun teasing way. This always has a submissive effect on him. When he blushes or pretends to resist, I’ll say, “you love it. I know it.” He always responds, “yes, you are right.” Once when I took him shopping for panties, I told him how much fun it was shopping for him and that it was like shopping for a little girl. This was a positive way to use humiliation. Although he felt embarrassed at the statement, I was letting him know that I enjoyed and accepted it. This really had an arousing and submissive effect on him. A similar approach I’ve used is to tell him that he looks sexy in panties and that he is much more obedient in panties. It’s positive reinforcement with subtle humiliation.

Another form a humiliation that I use often, is to tell him that he is weak for me. I do it while teasing his cock and when he is fully aroused and I know he will do anything for me. Similar to what I mentioned above, I do not yell at him. I say it to him in a fun and teasing way. Also, notice that I follow the word “weak” with the words “for me.” He is not a weak man, but he is weak for me; weak for my seductive power.

More recently, I started requiring him to keep a pacifier in his mouth at the beginning of silent days as a reminder to be silent for the day. Usually he is in sissy panties too, so this is a bit of a humiliating experience for him. When it’s time to remove the pacifier (he must come to me to have me remove it), I will tell him “good boy” and make him nod to promise that he will be a good boy by not talking all day. It all sounds so silly, but I can tell you it has an overwhelming effect on him. His cock is always throbbing hard when he has the pacifier in, and he has this deep submissive look about him, when I talk to him this way. Silent days occur weekly, and I feel that this new routine has a lasting effect on him and is one of those things that keeps him feeling continually submissive and obedient to me throughout the week.

Those are the biggest forms of humiliation that I use. There are other things I do, that one may consider humiliating, but I see it as more dominant play. These include using him as a footstool, making him kneel in the corner, and spanking him. I guess whether something is humiliating or not, depends on the person.

A female Goddess that I correspond with regularly, shared with me that she discovered her husband had a thing for small penis humiliation. As a result, she purposely brings up the topic of penis size when talking with her single friends, while her husband is present. She does not talk about his penis size, but she will inquire about the other men’s penis size. This is a fun subtle way to use humiliation play. She also cuckolds him and when she comes back from a date, she will spend time talking about how big her date’s penis was. She does not yell at him or call him pathetic, but rathe she playfully compares him to others to get his submissive juices flowing. Her approach is another example of loving humiliation.

Think of loving humiliation as the sweetest Disney Princess, seducing a guy into a humiliating situation. Lol!  “Let me help you into those pretty panties sweetie….oh, yes, they look so nice on you…doesn’t the silk feel good against your cock….good girl…now turn for me…so nice..your ass looks so cute in in panties… (she rubs his cock through the panties)…I see you are enjoying this too..it’s nothing to be ashamed about….I like to see you in panties…it makes you so docile and obedient….I like that…my feet are a little sore sweetie….how about you get on your knees and rub them….yes, good girl….that feels so nice…I like seeing you kneel before me in pretty panties….we’ll have to go shopping to buy you more panties….”

 

-Mz Kaylee

The “Business” of WLM/FLR

I enjoyed Debbie’s post last month on “FLR in the Workplace.” What I like about Debbie’s thinking is that she is bringing forward learnings and skills from the FLR framework that can be applied by women in some form in the workplace. Much of what I have learned in my WLM has changed me as a person and has impacted how I conduct myself in the workplace. I am more confident because of WLM and I’ve become a better communicator. It’s also become second nature with me to be firm and straight forward in my dealings with men.

There are many similarities between how a female manages her submissive and how a manager oversees her workers. In this post, I’d like to flip the perspective that Debbie presented, and talk about how your FLR/WLM can be run like business. If you look at methods used by those leaders and managers whom are successful and effective in the workplace, you will find that many of the strategies can be used in the FLR/WLM. Let’s take a look at a few:

The Hierarchy Structure

Workplace: There is a clear hierarchy of who reports to who, and who has final say on decisions. Those higher in the hierarchy have authority and decision-making power over those lower in the hierarchy. If an employee has a different opinion than the boss, he understands that he must ultimately yield to the boss’s decision because of the boss’s authority and also because he recognizes that there would be negative consequences if he does not.

FLR/WLM: This same hierarchy and power should exist. The wife is at the top of the hierarchy in the relationship and the husband is beneath her. This reduces arguments and helps bring issues to closure quickly. When there are differing opinions, a submissive should yield to the Female as acceptance of his submission to her and as sign of his devotion to support and obey her and make her happy.

The hierarchy structure does not mean that those at the top of the hierarchy make all decisions or that they make decisions without seeking input for those below them. This would overwhelm the leader, will probably result in poor decisions, and will likely result in employees revolting or leaving. Effective leaders delegate tasks and decisions to others that are capable of handling them. For bigger, more complex decisions, effective leaders seek input from others, weigh the many factors to consider and then make the decision. Applying this same approach in the FLR/WLM will keep the Female from being overwhelmed, will make the submissive feel valued, and will empower and motivate him to serve his Goddess wife. A submissive who expects his wife to tell him everything to do, will overwhelm his wife and she will lose interest in the FLR/WLM.

Motivation Strategies

Workplace: Bonuses, raises, time off, or a gift, are one type of motivators. However, successful leaders employ other strategies to motivate employees to perform at a high level to accomplish goals. Motivational strategies include, letting employees know their purpose, setting clear and attainable goals, providing frequent positive and constructive feedback, building trust, letting employees know they are valued, learning what makes their employees tik and developing motivators specific to their needs.

FLR/WLM: Instead of money, sex and arousal are his primary motivators. Sexualize task as much as you can. Reward him with cock teases, orgasms, dressing up in lingerie, showing him your naked body, or earning the privilege of pleasuring you. Make sure he understands that his primary purpose in the WLM/FLR is to serve you, obey you, and make your life better. Establish clear expectations for him and daily and weekly goals (what chores are to be done and by what timeframe, proper attitude toward you, what decisions can he make on his own vs. when does he need your approval, etc.). Provide him with regular positive and constructive feedback. I use weekly review/discipline sessions for this.  Express your appreciation to him for being a good slave and making your life easier. Finally, a good practice is to understand his kinks and sexual “hot buttons.” What drives him wild with arousal and turns his mind to mush? These are the things that can be used to motivate him. For example, if he has a foot fetish and has been good, you can reward him by allowing him to worship your feet or give you a pedicure. Another approach is to give him a task to complete and tell him that if he does it perfectly to your expectations, he will be allowed to worship your feet.

Other Strategies

There are many other strategies from the workplace that can be applied to WLM/FLR such as planning, delegating work, doing employee reviews 😊, and training. So what do you think? If you apply the strategies of successful leaders and businesses to your WLM/FLR, do you think your relationship will be taken to a higher, more productive level? What workplace approaches can you apply to your relationship?

-Mz Kaylee

The Strange and Exciting Submissive Male

This post is a culmination of all the things I’ve learned about submissive men through my own experience with my husband, through hours and hours of reading I have done on FLRs/Femdom, and through the many people whom I’ve corresponded with over the years since I started “Femdom Think Tank.”  I was inspired to write this post from recent comments on the blog bout how chastity devices were barbaric and cruel. I often see comments on my posts where people say I am not loving or that they feel sorry for my husband. When I see these comments, it is obvious to me that they are from people who are not naturally submissive and do not understand the submissive mind. They don’t understand that there are thousands of men who dream of being locked in chastity and being held captive by a female. It is just how the submissive mind works! I can tell you with 100% confidence that my husband is happy and is living out his fantasy. He would be depressed if we went back to a normal marriage. There is also no debate that our marriage is loving. We are a very close couple and are very much in love with each other. Having a WLM has made us communicate with each other more frequently and openly and has strengthened the bond between us. I can understand how those who are not submissive would react in a negative way to some of the more extreme forms of domination. Hopefully this post will bring some understanding that female domination in a loving relationship is not about being cruel but is an expression of love. Enjoy! -Mz Kaylee

I believe that many men are naturally wired to be submissive. They are born this way. The Natural Born Submissive man thinks very differently about women and sex compared to other men. It is almost as if they live in a parallel universe…a 4th dimension. At first these submissive men just barely touch on that 4th dimension. It lives in their daydreams and fantasies. If they are lucky enough, they discover a female who taps into their submission and they are slowly or perhaps quickly immersed into this parallel universe.

Natural Submissive Men (NSM) have a much different attitude toward females and sexual situations compared to other men. They are on the shy side when it comes to sexual or intimate situations with new females. NSMs are hesitant to make the first move and are secretly hoping she does. In their fantasies, the women are almost always dominant towards them. The NSM fantasizes mostly about a woman strongly coming onto them or that the female is forcing them into a sexual or humiliating situation. Being tied up or captured by the female may be a recurring fantasy. As they delve deeper into their submissive fantasies, and become highly aroused, their fantasies become more bizarre or extreme. Some common themes that can become arousing for the NSM are being feminized, bound and spanked, teased about their small cock, treated like a dog, or being forced to eat their cum or drink their pee. Are these fantasies that non-submissive men have? Probably not. I’d venture a guess that most men would find these fantasies to be ridiculous and off-putting. The NSM may feel ashamed after masturbating to these fantasies but he can never stop himself from having such bizarre fantasies.

So far I’ve just touched on the fantasy aspects of the NSM. It is unfortunate that a lot of these men never make it past the fantasy stage because of social norms that make them feel embarrassed or afraid to admit their submissive desires to a female. I would also imagine it is a challenge to find females willing to entertain these desires. For those men who are lucky enough to find a female who is willing to tap into his submission….well that’s when things get real interesting….That’s when they move into that parallel universe.

The NSM has a deep burning desire to feel controlled and manipulated by a female. Succumbing to her authority is arousing to him. Being seduced by her into doing something humiliating or against his will is arousing to him. The particular scenarios that excite him may vary from one man to another but the overarching idea of being seduced or manipulated is what arouses naturally submissive men. So a common theme here is arousal. Yes, the NSM is highly driven by his dick. Of course, that is the one thing he has in common with most men (Ha! ha!). The difference is that NSM’s arousal is derived from being submissive whereas other men are aroused by more typical sex scenarios. In fact, the submissive scenarios would likely be a turn-off to other men and seem bizarre and even cruel. On the flip side, the typical man’s fantasy may seem too dull or normal to the submissive man.

So the NSM who connects with a dominant woman, suddenly finds that some of his fantasies become his reality. He craves for his girlfriend/wife/Mistress to be strict with him. He wants to be punished. He wants to be spanked and humiliated by her. These things give him an erotic rush. His desire for the rush is so strong and he knows these things are not typical and so he is willing to do whatever it takes to please the woman in order to experience these things. Her acknowledgement of his submissiveness and kinks is acceptance of him, and that make him feel good.

The exciting and a bit dangerous thing about submission, is that it is addictive. When a female taps into his submission, it is exciting for him and it is never enough. The more she taps into it, the more he wants it. This is what creates power for the female. The dominate female uses that power to force obedience from the submissive. This is where we enter the 4th dimension that is highly misunderstood by those who are not submissive or dominant. In this dimension, humiliation, manipulation, and punishment are accepted and part of the norm. Orgasm control, and yes – locking up his dick, are not only accepted, but are exciting aspects of the relationship for many people.

The smart dominant woman uses these tools to motivate her man to serve her, work hard for her, and elevate her to a Goddess status. It is not cruel at all. Quite the contrary it is a win-win…a perfect symbiosis. He gets to live out his fantasies and she gets to live like a Queen. Furthermore, when he is in a meaningful relationship and channels his submissive craving towards serving his partner, suddenly his need for domination becomes meaningful and fulfilling as opposed to just empty fantasies.

I refer to it all as a parallel or 4th dimension, because to the typical person, the inner workings of a FLR seems cruel, strange, and perverted. However, when you are in this parallel universe, immersed into a loving female led relationship, these “strange and cruel” things are actually motivators and acts of love. My husband lives in this parallel universe. It always amazes me at how much he wants to feel my control. He thinks about it and desires it on a daily basis. Orgasm control and the use of longer term orgasm denial has made his desire to be controlled even stronger. When I tease his cock to the brink of orgasm over and over again, his mind transforms and he wants to be completely dominated, humiliated and manipulated. This is his sub-space. It is like the more perverted or more extreme the humiliation I exert, the more exciting it is for him. When he is in sub-space, I can make him do or agree to just about anything. It is exciting for him and it is exciting for me to have complete control over him.

By the time I’ve pushed my husband into that subspace, I am also highly aroused because it is exciting for me to see him consumed in his arousal and completely subservient to me. Most times, I will take advantage of the situation by ordering him to pleasure me ins some way or I will be very dominant during sex, using him like my own personal sex toy. It always makes for great sex. While that is a fantastic scenario for him, it is not his ideal outcome. Remember, in his crazed aroused state, he desires perversion or humiliation. On Some occasions I will entertain that desire. I may gag him with my used panties or order him to worship my ass with his tongue or I may take him over my lap and spank him with my riding crop. I’ve collared and leashed him and walked him around like a dog. Making him stand perfectly still while I inspect his body is another fun thing to do. Something totally unexpected that I discovered, is often times these weird kinky moments become deeply intimate and bring us closer together as couple.  Weird right? If I had not experienced it, I would not believe it myself but it is true and I have had others share that they have experienced the same type of emotional bonding. My sense is that the willingness of both partners to let go of their inhibitions and be vulnerable with each other, allows them to connect on a deep level. It is amazing and very exciting.

It seems to me (and I could be wrong), that this deep level of intimacy with female domination can only occur in relationships where there is trust and love. When there is both trust and love, each person can completely open up and be vulnerable without concern. I mentioned earlier that the nature of NSM can be dangerous. NSM are vulnerable to strong dominant women and if a woman has bad intentions, then NSM are susceptible to be taken advantage by her and to being hurt. For this reason, it is important for the male in a newer FLR to set boundaries and approach the FLR with caution.

However, the naturally submissive man who finds himself in a loving female led relationship, will find bliss and fulfillment is serving and yielding to her. He knows that her dominance and control are acts of love.

-Mz Kaylee