A Time for Change - The Discipline Jar

Before I continue with this topic, I would like to encourage everyone to read the comment from Sandra in my Bringing in The New Year's post. Her comment is well thought out, informative and has many great tidbits of advice and techniques.  Please read it.

Now, back to my changes.  After I was done with the financial talk and Queening Thomas, we took a little break.  It was getting close to dinner.  I had planned on going out somewhere for dinner but by now I was relaxed and having fun with Thomas in the house so I was in no mood to go out.  Instead we ordered takeout from a nearby restaurant.  I had Thomas order the food and then go pick it up.  To make the trip fun he had to wear his panties and a butt plug when he went to get the food.  While he was gone, I slipped on a comfortable silk night gown.  There was no need for the latex anymore. It already had the effect on him that I wanted.  When he returned with the food he stripped back down to his panties and served me the food.  He was not allowed to remove the plug yet, so I enjoyed watching him waddle around serving me completely aroused. 

After dinner I enjoyed another glass of wine while Thomas cleaned up dinner and did the dishes. Then I ordered him to the bedroom to get ready for a discipline session.  He was allowed to remove the plug, wash it and put it away.  For the discipline session, he knows to retrieve my riding crop and then move our discipline chair out from the corner of the room and kneel by it and wait for me.  He was in position when I entered the room.  For this session, I had him kneel on the seat of the chair and hug the back of the chair. This session was a little different than our usual session. We spent most of the time just talking while I walked around him, using the riding crop to tease him with soft playful slaps or light traces across his body; I added hard slaps to emphasize key points or express dissatisfaction.  We talked about how we were both busy and some aspects of our FLR were slipping a bit, such as my pampering, discipline sessions, and spending more time together. We made plans to get back into those routines again.  I explained to him that with how busy we were at the moment, there probably would not be time for the regular discipline sessions so I was going to try something new.  This is where the discipline jar came in. I showed him an oversized plastic jar. If you ever bought pretzels in bulk that come in a big plastic jar, this is the type of jar I used. I explained the concept to him.  Below is how it works.

Discipline Jar
The idea is that for every item that he would normally be disciplined for, he would instead be assessed a $1 penalty at the time of occurrence and would have to immediately put the dollar in the jar.  So for example, if he did not do a good job cleaning the kitchen, I would say to him, 'You did not wipe down the table.  Put a dollar in the jar."  Once a certain amount of money is accumulated, he would be punished.  I set the punishment threshold at $10.  We'll see how it goes. I may need to adjust once I get a better feel for how fast or slow the dollars accumulate. Here are the basic rules I put into place:

1. For each infraction, a $1 penalty is assessed.  However, I may increase the penalty for a particular infraction if I feel it is warranted. 
2. The penalty must be paid from his allowance immediately into the jar.  If he has no allowance money left, he will put an IOU in the jar at the double the amount and pay it back immediately when he receives his weekly allowance.
3. All money in the jar becomes my money to spend as I please
4. For every $10 accumulated, he will receive a discipline spanking (or be punished if warranted).

The benefit of this approach is the he receives immediate feedback and penalty when he is doing something that is not up to my expectations or satisfaction and I do not have to keep track of these things for the discipline session.  I also get a little bit of extra cash for myself :)  It is important to note that this is for discipline related items and not punishment.  If he does something unacceptable such as talking back to me or ignoring an order from me, then he will be immediately punished.

In my next post, I will explain the change with grocery shopping and also some additional items I talked to Thomas about regarding his allowance.

A Time For Change

In my last blog, I wrote about how New Year's is a good time to reflect upon your FLR and think about making changes for the new year.  I've got a head start on the New Year.  Call me inpatient but I could not wait for the New Year.  Both Thomas and I have been busy with work and other things lately, which has resulted in us not spending as much time together and not as focused on the Female Led aspects of the relationship.  My regular discipline sessions have been not so regular lately and I've been so tired at night that I'm usually in bed before Thomas gets to do his usual pampering of me.  While both of us miss these things, the good news is that the core of our FLR is intact and we both are anxious to spend more time together.  I am still the leader, and he obeys me.  He is keeping up with his routines and chores; although without my regular disciplines sessions a few things are slipping or not being done to my level of satisfaction.  So as the leader, I have taken a step back and decided to make a few changes to get us back on track.

I decided to make three changes.  First, I've inserted some control into the household finances.  Finances are one area that many femdom/FLR websites advise that the female take control over from men.   I have not done that in my marriage because Thomas is very good with finances and I trust him with our money.  I also love not having to think about bills.  He takes care of all the bills for me which is almost as good as being pampered. The reason I want to get involved in the finances now is more for fun.  Since this is an areas that he has control over (and he is a bit tight with the money) it will be fun taking some of that power from him.  I knew it would drive him deeper into submission to me and increase my control over him.  While I am doing this more for fun, I also know that this is one of those changes that will take our FLR relationship to a higher level.

The second change I made was to have him take over responsibility of food shopping.  I do all the cooking (and that will not change because I enjoy cooking) which is why I do the food shopping.   Frankly, I never trusted him to do the shopping. I know he would come home with the wrong things. However, the shopping has become more of a nuisance for me and so I've decided to make him do it to free up some of my time.  I decided to spend time training him on the food shopping.

The last change was around discipline.  With out busy schedules my every other week discipline sessions have not bee happening all of the tine.  Thomas is a very good slave husband for me but I find that without regular reminders and discipline he becomes forgetful and lazy.  I decided to eliminate the regular discipline sessions and institute a new technique which I call the discipline jar.  I will go into that more in my next post.

I decided to announce these changes to Thomas in classic domination style.  It was going to be a fun day for me and a mind blowing day for him.  I arranged for the kids to stay over night at my sisters.  I made my husband drive the kids to my sister's while I stayed home and prepared for the fun.  He of course had no idea what was in store for him.  All he knew was that we were having a date night together.

While he was gone I dressed for the part.  I put my hair into a bun, put on make-up , and perfume.Then I put on a garter belt and stockings and slipped on a black latex mini dress.  I do not wear this dress often, but when I do it drives him crazy.  For the occasion, I treated myself to a new pair of stiletto heels.  I also bought him a few new pairs of panties for the occasion.  I wrapped each pair in tissue paper and placed them into a pretty pink gift bag.  Then I poured myself a glass of wine and waited for him.  Wine helps relax me and put me in the mood.   My inhibitions run free after about two glasses.

When he walked in the door and saw me sitting in the living room in my latex dress, his jaw dropped and then he smiled with delight.  This was the reaction I expected.  He started to move toward me but I held my hand up and ordered him to stop and get naked.  His cock was hard even before all his clothes were off.  I expected this as well.

I made Thomas crawl to me and kiss my feet.  I could tell his mind already shifted into submissive mode.  The dress always has that effect on him. He knelt before me while I  drank my wine and teased his cock with my feet.  I wore no underwear and he was getting a clear view up my dress.  This was all part of the tease.  When I finished my glass of wine, I had him refill it and then kneel before me again.  I teased him a little more and then said the magic words, 'I think it's about time some things changed around here."

I've used those words before and he knows it means I am going to lay down new rules and he loves that.  It is like a fantasy come true for a submissive man.  I could almost feel him sink even deeper into submission, right before me.  If he were a dog, his tail would have been wagging with excitement.  I told him I bought a few gifts to celebrate the change.  I handed him the pink gift bag. The pink color of the bag was a dead giveaway of what was inside, but that's all part of the fun for me. As he unwrapped each pair of panties, I made him model them for me.  I commented on how pretty and sexy they were while I ran my hands over them and teased him.  By the last pair, he was so aroused he begged for an orgasm.  The answer was an obvious no.  I was pretty sure his mind was mush by now and he was in subspace.  I was also quite horny by then.  The last pair I told him to keep on.  They were white satin with pink bows.  So cute!

I pulled the panties down to his thighs and then grabbed his cock and led him to the bedroom.  In the bedroom I had him pull out all of his panties from his lingerie drawer and line them up neatly on the bed.  I had forgotten how many pairs he had.  I had him stand by the side of the bed and stare at his panty collection.  I hugged him from behind and teased his cock while I commented on how many panties he had.  I told him how girly he was and that his collection was even more sexy and pretty than my panties (and that was true).  I knew all this talk was arousing him and making him feel even more submissive.  My goal for the day was to totally turn his mind into mush. Since I got him three new panties, I picked out three old ones for him to throw away.  Then he neatly folded the rest and put them away.

By now, I was getting tired of wearing the latex dress.  I do not find it very comfortable.  I slipped out of it and layed next to him on the bed.   He spent some time pleasuring me and I teased him more.  Then I had him lay down and I teased him to the edge of orgasm several times.  If his mind was not mush before, I knew it was now.  It was the perfect time to bring up the financial. stuff.  While I lightly rubbed his cock, I asked if he was getting a raise soon.  He told me next month (I of course new that already).  Then I reminded him that the money he earned belonged to me and that it was not his money to spend; he agreed. I asked how much we was expecting to get.  When he told me I squeezed his cock warmly and told him how nice it was that he was earning more money for me.  Then I told him that when he got his raise, he was to show me the letter announcing his raise.  He would then immediately fill out a direct deposit form at work to have the amount of his raise deposited into my bank account each pay period.  I have a separate account which he does not have access to.  I rarely use it, but that is going to change :)

I told him he would continue to be responsible for managing the rest of the money and paying bills but that from now on his raises will go to me. I will use that money as I please.  I teased him more while I let that sink in with him. I could tell he was getting a thrill out of me exerting my control over him.  It did not take long before he was begging for an orgasm.  The answer of course was no.

After I had brought him to the edge and then teased him even more, I told him the same goes for his bonus.  We are fortunate that he gets a decent bonus each year.  I  told him I wanted to see his bonus statement when he got it and he would have to immediately transfer 100% of the bonus into my account.  He agreed, but I could sense some reservations in his tone. I expected and anticipated this.  I asked if he had a problem or concern with this.  He told me he didn't but that he typically uses some of the bonus to pay down a portion of our loans. I told him, that was not for him to decide anymore.  I would do what I want with the money.  I knew that was a powerful statement that would push him even deeper into subspace. I let it sink in with him while I teased him more and made sure he verbally agreed with it.  Then I acknowledged to him that he is very wise and prudent with our money and valued that.  I then told him that I would expect him to provide me with suggestions on how to use the bonus money.  He was not allowed to recommend and expenditures for himself.  In the past he would often buy something for himself as reward.  I brought up this topic and let him know that his reward was being married to me and serving me.  I would determine if he got any other rewards.  My strictness and firmness on this was part fantasy play.  I know my husband and I know these statements were awakening deep submissive feelings within him.  Feelings that he craves to experience. 

Well, suffice to say, after all the teasing and domination I was throwing at Thomas, he was a horney mess and was in subspace.  I had him hanging on the edge of orgasm and his mind was complete mush.  I hadn't even gotten to the other changes :).  Having him at my mercy and wrapped around my finger made me horney as well so I moved on top of him and queened him until I had an orgasm.

I will write about the rest of the changes in my next post.  After I wrote this post, I thought that perhaps I was too detailed and gave more information that needed and I thought about trimming it down.  However, after thinking about it more, I think that the detail is probably helpful for people to read as it can help give ideas or examples that can be used in your relationships.  I hope you agree.  My hope is that by sharing my experiences, it will help others build upon their FLRs and give real world examples that can be used or adapted to their own relationships.

-MzKaylee
 

Bringing in a New Year

As the new year approaches, it is a time where many people reflect on the past year and then set goals or resolutions for the new year. I would encourage you to do this with your Female Led Marriage/Relationship.  The New Year, provides a great excuse and fun reason for making changes and setting new goals with your partner.  Why not take time to reflect on how you are doing as the leader and how your partner is doing as the follower.  Perhaps you are not in a FLR but have been contemplating it.  The New Year is a good time to give it a try. 

As the leader take time to reflect on how well you are leading.  Do you need to be more confident and assertive?  Do you need to expect more out of your partner and be more strict?  Are you meeting his needs and keeping him motivated and happy? Have some of your routines and rituals been sidetracked; have they become meaningless and need to be changed up?  Perhaps you have gotten caught up in work and the day-to-day things and so your FLR has taken a back seat.  That is easy to happen but now is the time to get it back on track.  It is important to get it back on track. 

Think about what things you can do to take your FLR to the next level. Do not settle for status quo.  If he cleans the kitchen every day, what can he do to clean it even better? What will bring you closer together, make you happier, and make your marriage more fun?  Do you need more pampering?  Do you need to spend more time alone with your husband having fun (scheduled date nights are great).  I would suggest picking something new to try. For example, add routine spankings or discipline sessions or require your husband to kneel before you regularly.  Make him sleep naked. These are just ideas to provoke you thoughts. This is a good time to set new expectations and rules with your husband. 

Reflect about all these things and then set goals and plan to follow in the new year.  Write it all down.  If you are worried about someone finding what you write, no worries.  Write it all down and then tear it up after your are done with it.  If you write down your goals and plan it mentally prepares your mind and helps organize and cement your thoughts you will have a better chance of following through with them.  

Feel free to seek input from your husband.  Ask him to write down things he really likes about your current arrangement, his most memorable moment of the past year, and ask him to write down a 3 things he would love to try in the new year.  Use this information to craft your goals for the coming year.  Remember, you are only considering his input.  You do not need to act on everything he writes.  If he writes down a crazy idea, you can easily give him a direct 'no' to the idea or your could play into a bit and say 'maybe, I'll think about it." 

Announcing the new goals and expectations can be fun too.  Make him kneel before you while you announce the changes or lie beside him and tease him to the brink of orgasm while you whisper to him the new order in the household. Perhaps a spanking while you dictate the changes for the new year will help reinforce the important points.  Something I have don in the past with Thomas is leave him a note with all the rules and then we talk about them later.  He is always hard and aroused when he reads the note.  I find it quite humorous.    Again, these are just ideas to get the wheels turning in your head.

If you are the submissive in the relationship, spend time reflecting on your role.  How can you be more supportive and devoted to your wife in the coming year?  What can you do to make her life easier and make her happier?  What things can you do to make her feel like a Goddess?  Write all these thoughts and ideas down and put a plan in place to do them in 2016.

Are you happy and satisfied with how things are going?  If you are not happy, then you owe it to your wife to talk to her about it.  The conversation may be difficult, but if you are open and honest, it will be healthy for your relationship.  If you are happy, write her a note thanking her for being a great leader, Goddess. Mistress, or whatever term of endearment you use.  Do not ask anything of her. Simply thank her and tell her how excited you are about continue to serve and pamper her in the new year.

Whatever you do, I wish you all and wonderful and Happy New Year!

-Mz Kaylee

An Exception to the Rule

Last weekend Thomas and I had a fabulous spontaneous moment. It was a rare occurrence that both our kids were unexpectedly out of the house and Thomas was not in the middle of doing something and I was not busy with something.  We both had things to do that day but at the moment we were both free.  He joked at how we should take advantage of the moment.  I'm pretty sure he did not expect me to follow him to the bedroom.  In the bedroom, I sprawled out on the bed.  Suddenly I wanted him bad.  I know he wanted me because he always does.  That is part of the fun of keeping him horney all of the time.

He joined me on the bed and it did not take long for him to get me naked. His clothes came of quickly after mine.  I enjoyed having him ravish my body and soon he was on top of me.  It is rare that he is in this position.  I am always on top when we have sex.  I like it that way and with that position there is the obvious power exchange of having him beneath me.  Usually by now I would order him off of me or I would forcefully roll him over onto his back.  However, this time I did nothing.  The past few months have been so busy with work and other things that Thomas and I have not had a lot of time for fun. I was enjoying the moment and did not want to take charge.  I enjoyed having my husband make love to me.  He made me feel incredible.  There was no orgasm for him - that would have been too nice  :). 

So I made an exception to the rule; I allowed him to be on top during sex. I can do that because I am the one in charge.  I make the rules and I can break the rules. It was a very rare moment for him and for me and it was fantastic.  Sometimes exceptions to the rules are good.

-MzKaylee

Taking over the Reins of Control Part III

Some things I touched on in my last post were that many women may be ready to dive into a FLR but it is not very intuitive for them; your husband thinks he knows what he wants in a FLR but probably does not. So what do you do now?  How do you move forward with a FLR and what should it look like.  Unfortunately, there is no one right answer but it is fun trying to figure it out. Some of you may be able to hit the ground running and everything works out just great.  However, I am willing to bet the vast majority of you will need some time to figure it out. It will take a lot of trial and error and may even take years to before you are comfortable with it.  The great thing is that it is something you can learn and I truly believe going through the process will make you a better person and will strengthen your marriage and relationship with you husband. For me, it has been a wonderful journey and the journey is still going.

There are not short-cuts.  It's like trying to teach kids how to play sports.  I played basketball when I was younger and so it is easy for me to tell my daughter all the things she needs to know about playing basketball.  However, the first time she got into a game she applied very little of what I told her. Why is that?  There are many reasons. Being told what to do and actually doing it, are two completely different things.  When she gets into the live game situation it's not easy remembering what to do, some thing may seem awkward so she decides not to do them out of embarrassment or fear or doing it wrong, or she just may not have the skill to do it.  Any of you who have followed your kids through sports, know that it takes years for them to develop the skill and knowledge to play the game right. It also takes a lot of practice, trial and error, and coaching.  The same concepts apply to building a FLR.

There is no one right answer for how to build and run your FLR.  It all depends on what your goals are and what you and your partner are comfortable with.  While I can't give you the answer, I can give you advice on how to go about developing and strengthening your FLR.  I recommend you approach it by doing three things:  1) Read about it, 2) talk about it, and 3) Try it.  These steps are re-iterative and in no particular order.  After being in a FLR for over 10 years, I still do those three things on a regular basis.  Below I will expand on each one.

Read about it  One of the awesome things about the Internet is there is a tremendous amount of information on just about any topic at your fingertips.  There are many blogs, websites, and forums dedicated to FLR's and controlling men or men submitting to women.  Spend a lot of time exploring these resources.  You will most certainly come across quite a bit of rubbish or "fantasy fodder" and that's ok.  You can laugh about it and move on.  The important thing is to read as much as you can and then hone in on the things that hit a chord with you.  Even some of the 'fantasy' stuff often have one or two good ideas mixed in that you can take away.   Take notes or save the ideas that interest you.  Even, if it is something that you don't want to try right away, file it for later.

To save you time, you can order your husband to do research for you and print out articles and blogs for you to read.  I do this with Thomas and it works well.  Trust me, your husband will love this assignment and will probably be horny and aroused from reading all the information. Chance are the first few topics you get are going to be things that he really wants, which gives you a quick glance into his mind and what he is thinking.  That's great intel for you. The only caution is that your husband may be filtering out information that that he does not want you to know about.   He may also inadvertently filter out something he thinks is not important, but to you it is important.  To minimize the risk of this, you can give him specific topics to research such as doing chores in a FLR, punishments, and finances in a FLR.  Those are some of the topics that he may be purposely filtering out.  However, I would recommend that initially you start broad and tell him to provide you with some articles about FLR.  Then see what he comes back with. As noted above, this will give you insight as to his focus and what he wants or thinks is important.  I would also recommend you do your own research so that you are seeing it all.  Make sure your husband provides you with links to the websites he is pulling information from. This way you can go back to the websites on your own and do further research.

As you read about the various topics, keep an open mind.  Don't be afraid to try something new or different.  Often time when you are in the heat of the moment, the silliest things suddenly become erotic and fun for you or your partner.  I had thought spanking was silly but the first time I tried it, it turned me on so much, I practically had an orgasm in the middle of it.  Sometime you may try something that seems like it will be erotic but it turns out to be more silly.  There have been many times where Thomas and I just burst out laughing in the middle of something new that we were trying.  You have to have fun with this and you should be comfortable laughing at yourself and with each other.  To me, these are the moments that bring you closer together.

Talk About It
Communication is very important.  If you are just starting a FLR, it's probably a good idea to probe him with questions about what he likes and what he expects from the FLR and even what his fantasies are.  It is particularly fun doing this why you are teasing him.  I find that Thomas's filters disappear when he is aroused and he will talk about anything and admit to some of his deepest secrets and fantasies.

Don't be afraid to run ideas by him of things you are thinking about trying to see how he reacts.  It's also fun to bring up things that seemed weird or strange to you.  You may be surprised at his reaction.  If you try something new, it is also good to talk about it afterward. I enjoy talking to Thomas the day after we do something to see how he felt about it.  I want to know what he liked the most, how it made him feel, and what drove him wild.  A good technique I use, which I find very effective, is to have him write a letter to me the next day with his thoughts.  Usually he is so thrilled and excited about what happened that he can not stop writing.  I have learned to give him a page limit.  The things he writes, helps reaffirm that I am doing the right things and gives me ideas and information on where to focus in the future. If you use this technique, make sure it is clear to him that he is to write about how he felt and what he liked.  He is not to write about what he wants you to do. 

When you are first starting out in a FLR, seeking his feedback will be extremely beneficial to you.  You will most likely find that his feedback is overwhelmingly positive and filled with excitement.  This reassures you that you are doing the right thing and is a big confidence builder for you. Often times, you will also discover that you think you are being tough on him but you really are not.  Submissive men tend to crave high levels of strictness and toughness.  His feedback will help you adjust to find a balance that works for both of you. Men - take note of this as well.  When your wife does something that you like, make sure you tell her and thank her for it and let her know you appreciate what she is doing for you. I encourage you write her letters.  Just make sure it is positive feedback and not about what you want. You can tell her that you loved what she did but also make sure you thank her for it.

The challenging part about talking, especially in the beginning, is getting to his true feelings and knowing what things to dismiss versus what things to consider.  He may reject something that he really likes, simply because he is embarrassed to admit that he likes it.  It is a good idea to be probing in your questions and to not be afraid to push or challenge what he says.  For example, you may ask do you like the idea of wearing panties?  If he says 'no'.  You could push a little further by asking things like Have you ever thought about it?  Would you be willing to try it? Are you sure, you seem to get aroused when I mention it? This probing will lead to good conversation and will help put him at ease.

It is important not to immediately dismiss any of his ideas or thoughts so as not to discourage him to be open with you. I have learned to avoid saying 'no' or 'never' when discussing our FLR and his ideas.   There are two reasons for this. First, I find that leaving the potential for something (hope) can be used to motivate him and is also fun for mind games.  Second, as you experiment with FLR you will go through a transformation and will discover new things about yourself.  Some ideas that are not appealing to you now,several years later may suddenly become desirable.

Also remember that you are in charge.  Just because he says something does not mean you have to agree to it or do it.  Men who are just discovering their submissive side, often are focused on all the kinky aspects and often try to lead you in that direction.  I don't fault them for this, because typically that is all they can relate to and that is how their mind is wired.  A FLR is so much more than just satisfying their kinky desires.  It is your job as the leader, to redirect their focus to you and to a more holistic approach to FLR.  Just like they are trying to get you to open up to the idea of controlling them, you have to get them to open up to the idea that a FLR is more than just kink and that their focus needs to be on satisfying and serving you.   Men - this an important concept. Your relationship will become so much more fulfilling and exciting if you can make this shift in perspective.  Pleasing and serving her should be your focus.

Try It
This is the easy and fun part.  Try and experiment with things. Learn from it.  Not everything will work as planned and that is fine.  Get rid of the things that did not work or look to improve them.  Hold on to the things that did work.  As I mentioned previously, I encourage you to try new things and try things that are outside you comfort zone or may seem silly to you.  If your husband suggests something that seems weird to you, why not try it?  Now I know some guys can get a little crazy with their thoughts.  Obviously you have to apply some sensibility to what you are willing to try.  You need to make sure it is safe and within your morals. You need to weigh the risk of possible consequences to your relationship or if it could impact others.  For example, cuckolding is not something you would want to jump into without some serious thought. Most things he wants to do are probably harmless fun.  Give t a try and see how it turns out.  Make sure you try things that you want to do as well,  If he is resistant, try bringing it up while teasing him. Persuasion with Female power is hard to resist.

Remember these steps can be done in any order and should be done continually.  Don't stop experimenting and learning.  That's the fun of it all.

-Mz Kaylee.

Follow-up on Taking over the Reins of Control

One of the things I like the most about Sandra's point of view (from my last post) is the celebration of her husband's submission. I completely agree that a man's submission is something to be excited about. My husbands submission is an awesome gift to me. It is incredible how much he cares for me, loves me, and wants to please me.  That is what makes him a strong man and amazing husband. We have a fantastic relationship.  It is quite astonishing to me how many of my friends, family, and acquaintances have experienced divorce.  I think I know more people who have been divorced than those who are happily married.  After many years of marriage, it still feels like the honeymoon to me and the idea of divorce is so foreign to me.  I attribute a huge amount of that to our FLR.  That is the end of my promo for FLR :)

The point I am trying to make is that a husband's submission is a good thing and you should be thrilled (not concerned) if he expresses an interest in it. It presents a tremendous opportunity for you to impact your marriage and your own personal life in a positive way. Your husband is the clay and now you get to mold him anyway you want.  How exciting is that!  So if you are in a situation where your husband brings up the idea of submission or orgasm denial, what do you do? It can be a very confusing and uncomfortable topic. The best thing you can do initially is listen to what he has to say and talk about it with him.  If he is bringing up the topic with you, chances are it has been festering inside him for months and probably even years.  Try to understand what exactly he is asking for. Ask lots of questions.  Do not make any judgments.  Just take it all in. He will love that you are showing interest. Be sure to thank him for opening up to you and tell him that you are glad he brought this to your attention.  This is a huge gesture that will go a long way with building trust with your husband.  Let him know that you are open to the idea and want to try it but need to think about it more.

For most people in this situation, it is not like flipping a switch and suddenly you are dominant and have a great FLR.  Chances are both the wife and husband do not know exactly what they want or need to do.  I find that guys think they know what they want, but they truly don't understand their submissive desires.  For them, the focus tends to be all about their kinks and the typical idea of femdom with whips and leather.  While this is fun, it is short-term and is not fulfilling.  It will spice up your relationship but will lack the other benefits of a FLR such as better communication and building a stronger, deeper connection with your spouse. It also puts all the work on you as the dominant partner, and that is not the purpose of a FLR.  A big part of your job as the leader will be redirecting his attention to serving you and focusing on your needs and not his desires.  This does not mean you ignore his desires.  It is primarily a paradigm shift in thinking.  He needs to embrace his submission and focus on serving and worshipping you.  You will use his desires and kinks to guide him in that direction.  Once this change in thinking occurs, great things will happen.

I will continue this topic in my next post.  I welcome comments on this topic from both men and women.  I am always interested to hear whether your own experiences reaffirm what I am talking about or maybe you have had an experience that is complete opposite.  I am a strong believer that sharing experiences, helps others connect with the concept and understand that FLR is real, achievable, and a great thing.

-MzKaylee

Taking Over the Reins of Control in Your Marraige- Female Led Marraige

This post is directed towards women who are  discovering or new to the concept of Female Led Relationship/Marriage (FLR/FLM).  Perhaps you have been trying it for awhile and are still trying to figure out things, or maybe your husband has suggested the idea to you, or maybe you are just learning about it.  Whatever the reason, I hope this post helps guide you in the right direction.

One of the most challenging things for many women who are new to FLR, is understanding the dynamic and how they should act.  When a husband is the one that introduces the concept, it is not uncommon for the wife to have confusing thoughts and wonder if it will make him weak.  Let me clear that up right away.  Submission does not equal weak.  In fact, my opinion is that he is a bigger man than most others for opening up to you about this topic. My husband is submissive but he is strong and confident and he treats me like a Goddess.  It is a great thing! 

FLR can be very confusing at first.  For many women it is not intuitive.  Who would think that denying a man orgasm would be a good thing and that he would actually enjoy it?  Is it common sense that a man wants his wife to be strict with him and wants to be punished if he does something wrong?  To me, it makes perfect sense but for someone just discovering FLR, this is probably a bizarre concept.  This confusion causes uncertainty on what to do, resulting in the wife being passive and unsure in her actions.  For the submissive husband it causes frustration and disappointment.  If you scour forums and blogs, there are endless posts and comments from men who are craving control form their wives and they just can't figure out how to get their wives to control them.  If you are in this situation, I want you to know that it is normal and common. 

The good news is these are not strong barriers and they can be overcome.  I will expand on this topic more in future posts.  For now I would like to share a comment that was posted on the Femdom101 blog by one of the readers of the blog. Sandra has been grateful enough to give permission for me to post her comment. Sandra provides a wonderful perspective on why women should embrace FLR with their husband. When you read her comment, pay special attention to her attitude towards submissive men as well as her insights into how men feel about submission.



From Femdom101Things your momma never taught Oct 6th..

Sandra said...

"Submissive men have a need to serve, they want to be trained, held accountable and punished for their mistakes. This is all part of having a female authority in their lives. And they need the relationship to be real, not some game, something she does just to please him. But men and women think differently and women have a hard time, especially in the begining, understanding the needs of a submissive man. They tend project their own feelings and their way of thinking into the situation. No matter what they have said, when it comes right down to it. Too many women see themselves as mean, selfish, arrogant and cruel. So they struggle to take on the role of the female authority in a femdom marriage. I've seen this many times, the man tries to express his needs and his wife only hears that he needs some kinky desires met. And that he wants her to participate in a lifestyle and activities she is very uncomfortable with. Women in this situation usually convince themselves that their men will eventually get over it and get back to normal. They deny the reality of the situation because they don't understand it and because it makes them uncomfortable. They don't realize that a submissive man needs to serve and that he would rather serve his wife most of all. But if that is not available for whatever reason, he will serve a woman outside of his relationship. The need to serve is too strong to be denied for long.

Knowing this, the ladies in my femdom circle allow the men to serve in every way possible. We are not being mean or selfish or cruel, instead we are giving our men the gift of servitude. Which just happens to be exactly what they want and need. Depriving them of this because we may not understand, that would be the selfish thing to do. Only when we finally understand submissive men. Do we see just how much they love us and need our leadership and authority in their lives.

When my group gets together, depending on the reason. We allow some or all of the men to join us. If we are getting together for a private, women only conversation.
Then the hostess will have her slave serve the food and drinks before assigning him several outdoor chores. Or she may leash, then lead him to a back room where he will do corner time until we are through. This keeps our conversations private and gives her slave a chance to serve and sacrifice for his mistress and the other ladies. If the gathering is more social, just to enjoy some quality time together. But we still want it to be more of a women only thing. Then one or two of the men are allowed to serve. They are allowed to stay in the room ready to wait on any of the ladies hand and foot as needed. And when not serving they stand at attention, close by but still out of the way. Usually we post one man on the left at one end of the room and the other one on the right on the other end. Making sure that they stand looking at the wall opposite them and not directly at the women. When we plan one of these. Usually the men will beg their mistress to be chosen for service that day.

If the gathering is a celebration of our lifestyle, then all the men are present. And depending on our plans they serve in several different ways. These are not wild, unbridled femdom parties as many may think. But rules, protocols and the pure enjoyment of the femdom lifestyle is definitely on display. Enjoyed as much by the men as by the women.

This is not kink or over the top Internet nonsense. It is the gathering of a group of women that understand submissive male needs. Everything we do is carefully planned to provide our men with what they need as submissive males. We love our husbands and want nothing but the best for them and for our marriages. But we've chosen a lifestyle that to an outsider looks totally different from what it truly is. There is a lot to take in and a lot to understand, it takes work, dedication and commitment. But the rewards are great and none of us, not the women or the men would ever go back to a vanilla existence."

 

Rituals

Thank you all who commented on my last blog.  I am happy to see people sharing their thoughts and experiences.  This post is in response to the comments.   Many of you commented on how you have daily rituals.  Rituals are a wonderful part of a FLR and rituals help keep the sub in a submissive and obedient state of mind.  I particularly like the following statement from an anonymous commenter in regards to a ritual of kissing her feet:

"she told me that at first this made her uncomfortable, then she thought it was "sweet," then she came to expect it!"

A very insightful statement and it probably rings true for many people who are just starting with FLR.  Rituals and other actions related to a FLR will probably feel uncomfortable or even silly when you try them for the first time.  Sometimes just the idea seems silly.  However, this should not stop you from trying them.  In the heat of the moment, silly things can become very hot!  Rituals may seem uncomfortable or silly to both the Female and male at first.  But each time the ritual is performed, it becomes less silly and more meaningful.  As the comment above implies, eventually it becomes a meaningful part of what you do. Through repetition the ritual can have a long term effect the submissive's mind, attitude, and behavior.  The fact that several of you commented on rituals on my post about 'Psycological aspects of FLR' further support this statement.

I find that rituals are even more impactful when you connect specific thoughts or symbolism to the ritual.  For example, when Thomas kisses any part of my body, he knows it is a form of worship and obedience.  He knows this because I trained him over and over again that he is worshipping me when he kisses my feet, my legs, etc.  Early in his training, I had him say I worship and obey you every time he kissed my body. Now it is ingrained in his head that he is worshipping and obeying whenever he kisses my body.  If I command him to worship my feet, he will instantly kiss them.

For any couple starting out in FLR, I highly recommend some type of daily or regular worship ritual where the sub kneels before his dominant partner, kisses her feet, and recites a mantra such as "I worship and obey you. Thank your for being a wonderful Goddess to me. Please teach and mold me to be your perfect servant."  This ritual will help the submissive mentally transition into a true submissive role in the relationship. When starting out in a FLR, it often feels more like fantasy than reality.  Both the submissive and the dominant may just be going through the motions to satisfy each other or a desire within.  On the surface the FLR is in place, but when you dig deeper the submissive still has some sense of control.  The worship ritual will mentally change his thinking and add reality to his submissiveness towards you. 

As discussed above, the first time the ritual is performed it might be uncomfortable for both of you.  You may even laugh and that is fine. FLR is not all serous. Laughter is good. However, as the ritual is performed over and over again, the words sink in and take a deeper meaning for the submissive.  Through repetition he begins to truly worship you and want to obey you.  You become a Goddess to him and he is open to be trained by you.  The ritual brings reality to his submission and increases the dominants control over him.

Rituals have other purposes as well.  A nice benefit of rituals is once a ritual is established, the submissive knows exactly what to do. The Dominant partner does not have to worry about giving commands (unless they are part of the ritual) or telling the submissive what to do.  We have a bath ritual that I just love.  With the kids being older it does not happen often, but when it does, Thomas knows exactly what to do and I can just relax and be pampered.  I just have to whisper to him, "get my bath ready."  He immediately goes into action, lighting candles, running my bath water and adding bubble bath.  He brings an extra fluffy towel and my robe into the bathroom. He knows I like my bath water on the hot side.  He knows to shut the bathroom door so the room is warm and smells of the bubble bath scent when I walk in.  When I enter, he is always naked and kneeling by the tub.  I enter the bath and lay back and relax.  He is to remain quiet and worship my body with his eyes while I relax. He knows that but sometimes I command him to worship my body just for the purpose of reinforcing my dominance over him. When I am ready, I order him to wash me.  Sometimes he will also shave my legs.  When the bath is over, I will stand outside the tub and he will dry me off.  I do not move.  I enjoy seeing him move all around me and bending down to dry me off.  He knows he has to do a great job at drying me before putting on my robe.  It is a great ritual that makes me feel like a true Goddess and also makes Thomas feel like a true servant to me.  We both enjoy this ritual and every time we do the bath ritual it reinforces my dominance over him and his submission to me.

I encourage you to incorporate rituals into your lifestyle. They can be daily, weekly, monthly or just done on command.  Connecting purposeful thoughts and symbolism to the ritual makes it more impactful and can mentally mold the submissive's long-term thoughts and perceptions in a positive way. Please feel free to comment on rituals that you do and whether or not they have affected your thinking or brought more meaning to your FLR.

Mz Kaylee.

Psycological aspects of a FLR

The psychological aspects of any relationship are important. I believe that psychology is an even bigger part of a female led relationship (FLR).  Psychology is the study of the mind and behavior, especially as a function of awareness, motivation, or feeling.  Whether your realize it or not, in a FLR, the female leader is actively engaging in techniques to affect the behavior and mind of the submissive.  For example, one of the most common techniques in a FLR is orgasm denial/control.  There are a many psychological impacts to both the sub and leader when orgasm denial/control is used.  The most obvious for the female is the sense of power and control.  For the submissive, it focuses his attention on her.  He knows that in order to get what he wants (an orgasm or sexual pleasure) he must first please her.  Therefore, satisfying her becomes his primary goal.

In a FLR the wife should be actively employing techniques to motivate and control her husband. By better understanding the psychology of men and how it relates to the dynamics of a relationship, the wife or female leader can better motivate her husband or submissive while at the same time gain more control over the relationship. Let me use a chess game as an example.  If two friends are playing chess and both have just a basic social interest in chess, then they most likely have equal odds of winning the game.  However, if one of those friends (Friend A) takes a bigger interest in the game of chess and begins to study the strategy behind chess, he will learn techniques to win the game.  He will learn to think ahead and make moves to lead his competitor into a no win position. The more Friend A studies and practices the strategy of chess, the more he increases his odds of winning and over time his friend will not be able to beat him.  As the female leader, you need to become Friend A and study and employ techniques to motivate and control your husband or submissive.

One person who understands this well is Lady Misato, who is the author of "Real Women Don't Do Housework."  With her permission, I have published an excerpt from her book below written by her which dives into the Psychology of a FLR.  I can attest that the techniques she describes are effective and do work.  I welcome discussion on this topic and encourage you to visit Lady Misato's website, which I have posted a link to in my favorite links section.

 Real Women Don’t Do Housework - Training 

An unconditioned stimulus is any biologically or naturally potent stimulus that elicits and unconditioned response. For the most part, we are interested here in using sex as an unconditioned stimulus including, obviously, intercourse but also virtually any sexual stimulation such as rubbing his crotch through his pants. The unconditioned responses, then, are arousal and orgasm.

A conditioned stimulus is any previously neutral stimulus that acquires potency through an association with an unconditioned stimulus. Lingerie, or more simply, your naked body, is a good example of conditioned stimuli that are already well established. As a practical matter, you can’t always use sexual stimulation to reward your husband for every good deed. Conditioned stimuli are therefore critical to achieving your goals.

You will need to establish a number of simple conditioned stimuli that you can use throughout the day, even in public. By far the simplest and most versatile conditioned stimulus is your voice but you should develop conditioned stimuli for all his senses including vision and smell.

This is another reason to talk to your husband during sex, not only in foreplay but also during the throes of lovemaking. What you say, how you say it, your tone of voice, all will become associated in his mind with sex and will, over time, take on the attributes of being conditioned stimuli. I call these “sexy voice” and “sexy phrases.”

Once you have established these conditioned stimuli you can use them liberally throughout your daily life. When, for example, you wish to make a demand of him, say to clean up after dinner, you simply adopt your sexy voice and sprinkle your request with sexy phrases. These will not lose their potency over time by overuse, but you should continually recharge them during sex. Another conditioned stimulus you should establish is a special  perfume. Smell is a very powerful sense that moves us emotionally, often without our awareness. But while you may have a regular subtle perfume that you usually wear, what you want is a distinctive, strong perfume that you wear only during sex. Once this perfume is established as your sexy  perfume, you can use it to resolve difficult confrontations with your husband. If you are having a disagreement with him, you simply wear the sexy perfume. It will have a profound effect on his demeanor and will induce him toward accommodation.

 

Operant Conditioning

 Kylie: I’m a big believer in rewarding good behavior. You can’t expect people to just do the right thing. 

 

Maxwell: She’s not subtle about it at all. 

 

Kylie: I call it managing by touching. I make a point to touch him at last once when I check up on his chores. And if he does a really good job, I give him a big wet kiss or even call him over  for a little heavy petting.

Maxwell: I do enjoy it. 

 

Kylie: Sometimes I’m busy so he will report back to me on the chores he’s done and then I take a break to reward him. 

 

Maxwell: To tease me. 

 

Kylie: It’s all the same, really. Teasing is rewarding. And it works; I haven’t done a lick of housework since.

 

Operant conditioning is the process by which the frequency of a behavior is modified by the consequences of the behavior. You modify a behavior under your husband’s control by manipulating and controlling the consequences to him of the behavior. If positively reinforced, the likelihood of the behavior being repeated increases. If punished, the likelihood of the behavior being repeated decreases.

A positive reinforcement is any outcome that strengthens the behavior through natural or associated potency. Sex is an obvious positive reinforcement but any conditioned stimulus can serve as a positive reinforcement. It is best to reward intermittently, even randomly, or at least to prevent him from knowing when his behavior will be rewarded. Not knowing when the reward will come, what the reward will be or how big the reward will be strengthens the behavior. You might want to have sex one time, words of praise the next time, a wet kiss the next time, a flash of your nipple another time. But note that it is very discouraging to your husband if you simply make it harder and harder to get a reward. Random variability, not rising expectations, is critical.

What you reward is, primarily, obedience. And what you use is, again, primarily sex and sexual stimulation. However, if you have successfully established conditioned stimuli you can use those as well. For example, as he is doing the dishes, you can rub his crotch and whisper sexy phrases in his ear. Even simple words of praise in a sexy voice can have a profound effect on his behavior.

Perpetual Reinforcement

Barbara: Jason has become quite proficient with housework. My  friends are amazed at how neat and clean our house is. 

Jason: I enjoy keeping the house orderly. She jokes that I’m an OCD [obsessive-compulsive disorder] convert. 

Barbara: Well, you weren’t always so fastidious. It took a while  for him to decide that the house was his responsibility. When we were married he was the biggest slob. 

Jason: Well, that was before you trained me to think differently about it. 

Barbara: [Winking] What do you think about now? 

Jason: Oh, wow. [Taking a deep breath] To be quite honest, doing the housework is a bit of a turn on for me now. Sometimes  I get a hardon doing stuff around the house, especially if I think about Barb watching me. 

Barbara: [Touching Jason on the thigh] And I do watch you when I have the time, you know. I make a point of supervising him from time to time. Not so much now to make sure he’s doing it but more to add a little something extra to the experience, if  you know what I mean. 

Jason: Yeah, she means she likes to see my pants bulging when  I’m doing the housework. 

Barbara: Then I know he’s enjoying it even when I’m away.

Interestingly, while doing chores is a behavior that you are encouraging through positive reinforcement, it is very likely that certain aspects of housework will become conditioned stimuli themselves. For example, as you train your husband to wash the dishes, and reinforce that behavior, your husband may learn to associate the experience of washing the dishes with sex. The more consistent and powerful the reinforcement, the more likely and strongly will be that association. Washing the dishes may actually arouse you husband. Thus, over time, washing the dishes may become its own reward.  Needless to say, once housework becomes its own reward, he will want to do it regularly. You won’t even need to remind him.

 

 

Vacation

I've been away on vacation for a few weeks.  This year, I relaxed my dominance a bit on vacation and allowed Thomas to sit back and relax quite a bit.  This was not a formal decision.  It just happened that way.  Thomas still made my coffee in the morning and had certain expectations but it was not as rigorous as our normal routines.  I did some cleaning in the house we were staying in, which is something Thomas would be expected to do at home. Sex was almost non-existent because of the close quarters with or kids.  We did manage one night of pleasure for me but he was left denied.

It was nice to take a break like that.  The vacation was a not refresher for us both..  Interestingly, when we arrived home he was all gung-ho about getting back into our routines and serving me.  He was almost craving my dominance again.  I could tell that he missed my dominance and the routines. It was wonderful to see and reassuring to me that our FLR is a great thing.

-MzKaylee

The Joys of Receiving Oral Sex

Anytime a man's face is buried between a woman's legs it is a beautiful thing.  It means his undivided attention is focused on pleasuring her and serving her.  I like to view it as worshipping her.  I just love ordering Thomas to worship me.  Just about every position for cunnilingus puts the man in a submission position and the woman in a positions of control and power which is another reason why I like receiving oral sex (any reference to oral sex in my post refers to the man performing oral on the woman).

Queening
The position that has the most dominant/submissive overtones is the queening position, which is why it is the favorite position for both Thomas and myself. In the queening position, the woman (the queen) sits upon the man's face (her throne).  Submissive men like this position because they are beneath the woman, which is their rightful place and completely symbolic of their submission.  Likewise, the woman is on top of their man, which gives her control and is symbolic of her power of him.  When I straddle Thomas's face, my knees and legs pin his arms to his side leaving him helpless beneath me.  I love that!  Now all he has to focus on is pleasing me with his tongue. I usually hover my sex just above his face so that he has to work for it. He has to lift his head slightly to start pleasuring me.  Another thing I love about this position is that I control the pace and rhythm.  Once he gets my juices flowing and I am feeling the pleasure, I can start grinding into his face as hard or as light as I want.  I can move fast or slow.  He just keeps licking while I control the rhythm and pace. It is all about me at this point and I am very selfish with my pleasure.

In the queening position you can face forward or backward (towards his toes).  I enjoy both positions and often times switch between both positions in the same night.  Facing forward, I like being able to look down and see him pleasuring me. Thomas has told me the he enjoys looking up and seeing the look of pleasure and ecstasy on my face while he is pleasuring me.  He also enjoys the view of being beneath me and seeing the underside of my breasts and seeing me look down upon him.  Facing backwards is fun too and in this position I feel like I can do more things and mover around more.  I can sit directly on his face but I usually end up kneeling over him on my hands and knees and pushing myself upon his face. In this position I can easily direct my asshole to his tongue if I desire.  My fellow Goddesses, if you have not experienced, anal pleasure by his tongue, you do not know what you are missing. It is an exquisite and wonderful pleasure.  I also get an emotional charge out of having Thomas lick my ass.  It is a power rush I guess, just knowing the he is doing something so raw and animalistic for me. When I am really in the mood, I will order him to lick me there and tell him he is a good ass kisser.

In the backward position, I also have easy access to his cock so I can tease him while he pleasures me.  I may even give his cock a lick or a quick suck.  Thomas does not get blow jobs from me so this is a special treat for him when I do it.  One variation I recently tried, which I liked, was squatting above his face with my back against the headboard.  I spread my arms along the top of the head board to give myself support.  In this position, I could squat above his face and just have him stare at my sex and worship it with his eyes.  I could almost see him drooling, waiting to pleasure me. Making him wait is all part of the tease.  Then when I am ready, I can easily lower myself onto his face and grind away.  If I need a break I just lift myself back up and rest, while squatting over his face.  I did this several times and enjoyed it immensely!

There are many variation in how you can sit upon his face.  In our spare room, we have a bed that sits lower to the ground. I have had Thomas lay with his head on the edge of the bed.  Then I can literally sit on him like a chair, with my feet on the ground and his face between my legs.  So much fun to ride him this way and he his completely helpless!  The position also works on a large ottoman or having him lye upside down on a couch, with his head on the edge of the seat cushion.  One thing I love about the queening position is seeing his hard cock.  He gets so excited when I queen him.  His cock is always swollen and hard.  I love that! Although, if I am in the right mood, I will put him into a chastity device when I queen him.  It is equally exciting for me to see his cock restrained into the small device, forced to remain small.  I know he is aroused and his cock is desperate to grow and break free from its small prison.  Seeing his imprisonment while I ride his face and take pleasure from his tongue gives me an erotic rush.

Kneeling between legs
Another favorite oral position is me sitting with my legs spread and him kneeling between them. The fact that he is kneeling before me sets the submissive/dominate tone immediately.  In this position, I enjoy putting my hands on the back of his head and pressing him into me.  I can also squeeze my thighs around his head to give him an added sense of my control and power over him. I enjoy pressing his face into my sex and then a few minutes later pushing him away from me and ordering him to stop.  I may make him kiss or massage my feet or do something else for me.  Then after a few minutes I will order him back between my legs.  I will do this over and over again until I tire from it or I orgasm.  On occasion I like to squeeze my thighs around his head and keep his face locked just a few inches from my sex.  I will hold him in this position for 30 seconds to a minute.  This is purely a power thing for me.  He is forced to stare at my sex and take in my aroused scent which drives him into a deeper submissive state. Another fun technique is to lean back, raise your leg and press your heel into the back of his head.  In this position your are using the heel of your foot to press him into your sex.  This position creates quite a power dynamic because it is as if you are laying back and relaxing while he pleasures you and you are using your foot to control him.   I also like to tie his hands behind his back or use a collar and leash on him when he is in this position. It adds to his helpless state, which both he and I enjoy.

Standing or Lying on Bed
Standing with him kneeling between my legs is another variation for oral sex and is also good for anal pleasure.  This is similar to the sitting position but it can get uncomfortable. If you are going for comfort, then lying on your back with legs spread is the position for you.  I do find it liberating lying on my back with my knees and legs spread wide and my husband kneeling on the bed with a hard cock (or better yet in chastity) staring at my sex.  When he is ordered to worship me (or often times he just knows to do it) he usually ends up lying on his stomach and orally pleasuring me.  This is a great opportunity to incorporate many of the techniques noted above. I can press him into my sex with my hands or the heel of my foot or I can squeeze my thighs around his head.  I can also tie his hands in this position.  However, often times with this position I will let him use his fingers in combination with his tongue to pleasure me.

Thomas is definitely a junkie when it comes to oral sex. He can not get enough of it and would probably pleasure me this way all day if he could.  I've often thought about declaring his tongue as his new sex orgasm and forbidding his cock from ever entering me.  An interesting thought, no?  He is always aroused and hard when he orally pleasures me. I love that!  I also notice that the more tough or rough I am when he is orally pleasuring me, the more he gets off on it.  He loves to be smothered by my sex or pressed into my sex.  He loves that I get off on it but he is forbidden to orgasm.  I am not a big dirty talker but I know dirty talk excites him.  On occasion I will get in a mood and order him to lick me harder, deeper or faster.  I will tell him that his place is beneath me, pleasing me or that he is good ass licker or that I like that he is a dirty boy (or girl if in panties) for me.  He has told me that he loves when I talk like that and that it drives him deeper into submission and creates a lasting memory for him that he enjoys.

There are many other variations of oral sex.  It is fun to experiment and try new things.  When practicing denial with your man, you may find that having him orally pleasure you regularly is a nice replacement for his cock.  Go forth and experiment!!

-Mz Kaylee

Benefits of FLR

Yesterday I woke-up and dressed for work.  The clothes I wore were ironed by Thomas.  I went downstairs and a fresh cup of coffee was waiting for me.  The car I drove to work was washed and full of gas.  I can't remember the last time I put gas in a car.  I wonder if I even know how to work the pump anymore  :).   The lunch that I ate was packed by Thomas.  That night I enjoyed a full body massage from my naked husband.  His tongue ended up between my legs after the massage and  I enjoyed a wonderful orgasm.  Not once did I ask Thomas to do any of this.  I made no contact with his cock while he pleasured me.  I simply enjoyed the pleasure.  He thanked me afterward and told me that he loved me.   This was not an unusual or special day in our house.  Ladies - these are just some of the benefits of FLR and of a well-trained man.  A little training, maintenance teasing and spanking go a long way.  It is a fantastic lifestyle!

-MzKaylee

Topics of Interest and Contributions

Hi all.  Sorry it's been awhile since I posted.  Things are a bit busy.  I would like to keep this blog going and I could use your help with two things.  First, tell me what topics would be of interest to you.  There are many things to write about but I want to know what you want to hear.  It could be anything from relationship topics to specific femdom kinks.

Second, if you have something to contribute, please e-mail me.  One of my visions with this blog is to present different peoples ideals, perspectives, and experiences. Unfortunately a blog format is not the best interactive tool but we can handle this through e-mail. What I am asking is for you to submit to me a well written blog entry that I can post on my blog under your name.  My first preference is to receive entries from Females as guys tend to have a one track mind.  However, if you are a guy and feel you can write a well-organized and well rounded blog entry, then please do.  It would be great to get many different people to contribute.  I do not want this blog to be all my views.

Keep in mind that my blog is about promoting and encouraging Female Led Relationships. It is not Femdom fantasy fodder. Anything that fits that fantasy fodder label will not be published. It is o.k. to write about sexual things and kinks but it should be in the context of a FLR and how it benefits the FLR.  There are many blogs that talk about the basics of FLR and how to start one but not many go into how to keep the FLR going long after it starts, how the Female can continue to grow her power and control, or how the male can continue to be a better servant and follower of his wife.  These are the types of things I would encourage you to write about.  Share techniques, experiences, rules, or rituals that work for you and tell us why they work or how they make you feel.  It would also be great to read about challenges you faced in your FLR and how you have overcome them or are dealing with them.

If you are a female feel free to send me your writing directly or if you already have a blog and there is an entry in particular that you think fits here, send me the link and with your permission I will republish it here and will also link to your site.  If you are a male and want to contribute, e-mail me asking for permission and tell me what your topic will be.

I look forward to your responses.

Mental Fun - Eternal Statements

I enjoy teasing Thomas with is eternal statements.  These are statements the remind him that his submission to me is never ending.  Some examples that I have used are:

1. You will never orgasm without my permission
2. You are never allowed on top (during sex).  Your proper position in life is beneath me
3. You will always be my slave
4. Starting now and lasting forever.....
5. This is your life now
6. You exist to serve me.

I will often whisper these things in his ear while I am teasing him.  Sometimes they are bold statements that I make when I am giving him orders, disciplining him, or reprimanding him.  Sometimes they are loving and teasing statements meant to drive his mind wild. For example, I may be teasing him and whisper, "It's so fun to tease you like this.  I love that you are my slave and can not orgasm without my permission. You will never have an orgasm without my permission slave."

I use item #2 often with many variations.  When I am on top of Thomas, either during sex or when I am queening him, I like to remind him that he is never allowed on top and I tell him how sexy and hot he looks beneath me.  On occasion, he will end up on top of me or will be moving in that direction and I will simply laugh and ask him what he thinks he's doing and remind him of his place.  I may order him off me or I may forcefully roll him over and get on top of him with my full weight.  This puts him in his place immediately (and I get a bit of a power rush from this). I have been guilty of baiting him into this situation just so I can roll him over and show my dominance.

I have teased him with the idea of never allowing him to have sex with me again.  His tongue and fingers can do wonders and is he even worthy of having sex with a Goddess? (I have asked him that question) lol. The idea of denying him this pleasure forever is exciting to me but I don't think it I could do without it.  As it stands now, intercourse is a special privilege for him and I only allow that privilege on occasion.  He knows that he is lucky when I allow it and that as a submissive it is very special when he is allowed to put his sex inside a Goddess.  Most of the time he pleasures me orally.  When we do have intercourse, I usually do not allow him to orgasm. On a rare occasion I will allow it.  He actually gets a "rush" out of being used like this, where I have an orgasm and he his denied during sex. Frankly I could do without the mess so I enjoy it to.  Although I do allow intercourse occasionally, it is fun to put the idea in his head that one day I may choose to deny him this privilege forever. 

When I get in these teasing moods, I will tease his cock and tell him how hot and excited I am but that he is not allowed to have sex with me. I will tell him that I know how bad he wants it. This drives him wild and usually gets him begging. Then I go in for the kill.  I will get on top of him and rub my sex all around his cock, teasing him but not letting him in.  This drives him insane (and me too!).  Ultimately I end up on his face, making him lick me to an orgasm while he is denied.  This is so much fun for both of us and it has a lingering effect on him for days afterward.

Thomas has admitted to me that when he is aroused and I say these types "eternal statements", it excites him even more and pushes him deeper into submission and maybe even subspace.  While some of it borders on fantasy, I truly believe these statements leave a lasting imprint on a submissive's mind and help keep them focused on serving and being obedient.  I encourage you to incorporate them into your relationship, even if it is just for fun.  Don't worry about having to stick to them.  You are the one in control so you can change your mind whenever you want (just don't make a regular habit of it or you will lose credibility).  Every once in rare moment I have allowed Thomas to be on top.  Sometimes the mood just strikes me.  Even thought this might happen, I still ingrain in his mind that he will never be allowed on top.  When it does happen, I might say something like, "well consider that a gift.  It won't happen again." or "You weren't supposed to be on top.  You'll be punished for that."

Saying these types of things over and over again have a lasting impact on you submissive's mind over time. I'm not suggesting using these daily or even weekly.  Too much is overkill and it becomes meaningless.  My recommendation is to incorporate them into your regular routines throughout the month.  For example, whenever you assign a new chore or task you could use #4.  If he tells you how great it is serving you, then you can respond with "That's great to hear.  This is how your life will always be, so I'm glad you enjoy it." Another option is to pick one and focus in on it for a week or two and then move on.  Then you can reinforce it every now and then in the future.

Trust me, these statements are loaded with a "punch" that imprints his mind.  He may not react immediately, but when he walks away after hearing one of these, it is still lingering in his mind and he is feeling your control wrap around him.   The more he hears statements like this, the more real they become for him.  Have fun with it.

Mz Kaylee

The Benefits of a Well Trained Man

Just like any relationship, a Female Led Relationship (FLR) takes effort and work to be successful. This post is aimed at women who are contemplating a FLR or are just starting one. What is in it for the female? 

• Endless pampering whenever you want
• No need to do laundry. That's his job now.
• Kitchen cleaned & dishes washed and put away every night
• No more pumping gas
• Bills are paid every month. I don't even think about them.
• Orgasms whenever I want, however I want and he expects nothing in return
• A play toy (him) to play with whenever I want
• Coffee ready for me every morning
• I have the final say in all matters and he knows this and agrees to it. He yields to my authority and decisions. This means arguments are practically non existent.
• He anticipates my needs and wants and strives to make me happy. This is huge!
• Gifts and flowers from him just because he appreciates me
• Open communication.  We talk about anything.
• I never have to clean a bathroom again.  Yea!
• My clothes are ironed every day
• I do what I want
• He does everything I tell him to do. 

FLR's are fantastic!  This will not happen all on day one.  It took many years to get Thomas trained properly (and he will always be in training). In the end it is a wonderful thing. I could not imagine any other way.

-MzKaylee

FLR Fosters Good Communication

One of the great benefits of a Female Led Relationship (FLR) is that it creates an environment of regular communication.  At least that has been my experience.  As the leader I have no hesitation with sharing my feelings and expectations with Thomas.  He is also comfortable sharing his feelings and thoughts with me.  It is important to point out that FLR does not mean the submissive's voice and opinions are not heard and taken into consideration.  Perhaps some people run their relationship that way but I would challenge that a relationship like that will not last or is not healthy.    A healthy relationship includes two way communications.  There certainly are times where I will "shush" Thomas and not want to hear what he has to say.  However, in most cases he is allowed to share his opinions and viewpoints.  What make it a FLR is that I have the final say and he yields to my decisions.

There are many characteristics or practices of a FLR that promote healthy communication.  Discipline sessions are a good tool for communication.  These sessions provide an environment where my expectations can be clearly communicated and I can provide clear and poignant feedback on how well Thomas is performing. During a discipline session I have his undivided attention.  Often times when I am disappointed about something Thomas did and I communicate this to Thomas as part of the discipline session, it results in a conversation and I find out there was confusion or a misunderstanding from Thomas (although most times he is aware of what he did and acknowledges his infraction).  In many relationships, people don't communicate when they are upset or disappointed and they harbor negative feelings which hurt the relationship.

Punishments also keep the communication open.  What I love the most about punishments is they help both people put an issue behind them. Thomas is never completely surprised when he is punished.  He knows he was wrong or lazy.  Once the punishment is completed, he has paid his price and can move on.  After I punish him, I completely wipe the issue from my mind and he has a fresh start with me.  I have known people who have been very upset over something their spouse did and they hold onto that grudge for days or even weeks and then it ultimately leads to an argument. In a FLR, the female calls out issue immediately and addresses them with the sub.

I expect and demand pampering from Thomas.  He gives me massages and baths regularly.  I also enjoy teasing his cock and will tease him almost daily, even if it is just for a few minutes.  All these encounters promote interaction between us, which keeps the communication flowing freely.  Ask a person in a typical 'vanilla' relationship when the last time was that they massaged or bathed their partner?  I'm willing to bet most people can't remember or it's been a long time.

Finally, having one person designated as the lead in the relationship avoids arguments and having both spouses fighting to get the last word in or fighting to win.  I am not saying this is easy to accomplish but when the submissive accepts his proper place and yields to the authority of his spouse, it curtails arguments early. If Thomas starts to become argumentative I will firmly state "I am in charge and that's the end of the discussion."  He gets the point real quick.  Other successful tactics I have used is threatening him with a punishment, threatening to take away a privilege, or I may just point to him and say "kneel" or "strip"(Argument ended :)  ).

Please don't take this post as bashing traditional "vanilla"  relationships.  There are many healthy traditional relationships and there are unhealthy FLR relationships.  However, I do feel that in most cases the FLR promotes better communication than a traditional vanilla relationship.  If you read through FLR/Femdom forums or books, you will see many posts of both men and women who indicate that their marriage and relationship with their spouse became stronger once they applied FLR principles.

A Lingerie Drawer for Thomas

This past weekend I was inspecting Thomas's underwear drawer and I realized he has just as many panties and boys underwear.  Add in the two pairs of stockings, garter belt, and bra that he owns and he has more girly things than boy things.  What an exciting discovery that I had to share with him!  I did have fun teasing him about how his panty had grown so large.  Now the bra is not something he wears.  I bought it for him as a deterrent of bad behavior.  If he starts acting up or develops a bad habit, all I need to threaten that he will have to wear it under his shirt and buy something at the corner drug store and his attitude immediately changes.  So it is a punishment tool but it is still part of his lingerie collection and something to tease him with for fun.

I have a six drawer lingerie chest.  I announced to him that since he had such a large collection of girly things, it only made sense for him to have one of the drawers in the chest.  I cleared out the bottom drawer to make room for his items.  His assignment was to move all his girly items from his underwear drawer to the lingerie drawer, with the exception of two pairs of panties. I still wanted a few pairs to remain with his underwear just as a nice reminder.  He of course had to do it while wearing pretty purple panties.

It made for a fun night.  I enjoyed teasing him about how he now had his own drawer and that we now might have to buy more stuff - maybe even real lingerie such as a teddy.  He was quite quiet but fully aroused the whole time.  I know he loved it but was a bit shy or embarrassed about it (which is part of the enjoyment for him).

Mz Kaylee

Appreciation and Thank You

One of the characteristics I love the most about Thomas is the appreciation and gratitude that he shows for me.  Giving appreciation is important for both the dominant and the submissive.  As the leader of the relationship I will thank Thomas when he has been good for me or if he does something thoughtful for me.  I believe this motivates him to serve me even more.  He does the same for me.  He will thank me if I do something special for him like buy his favorite snack or treat him to a special night of teasing.  What I love the most is when he pampers me and then later thanks me for allowing him to pamper me.  Talk about royal treatment!  There are many days where I ride him until I have an orgasm and there is no orgasm for him (in fact that happens most times).  He will thank me for that and tell me how great it was.  I find that incredible!

So guys who are reading this, be sure to show appreciation and thank your wife/mistress/GF for what she does for you. Even if it is for just something small, it will make her feel great.

-Mz Kaylee

Discipline Follow-up

My last post discussed my typical discipline routine.  I think it's good to have a routine but if you've read my previous posts, you know that I am also a proponent of randomness or variety to help keep the relationship healthy and exciting.  My discipline sessions usually occur in the bedroom.  However on occasion I will take it outside the bedroom. Sometimes it's just because I am in the mood to change it up so I might have Thomas bring my riding crop down to the living room or dining room and then conduct his discipline there. 

Sometimes I have a purpose for moving it outside the bedroom.  Administering discipline at the "scene of the crime" is a very effective method for getting your point across and ensuring he understands exactly what he needs to improve on.  For example, one time I was not pleased with how he was cleaning the bathroom so I dragged him into the bathroom and showed him where the sink was not clean, the mirror was dirty, etc.  I had him bend over the sink and I spanked him right there in the bathroom.

There is a side benefit to all this also.  Putting him in a vulnerable and submissive position in various rooms throughout the house sends a message that you have authority over him in every inch of the house.  I have made it a point over the years to perform some form of either discipline or domination in every room in the house.  One memorable moment was when I disciplined him in the garage. I rarely set foot in the garage but I wanted him to know that there was no safe haven for him (I also did for my own amusement).  He has a riding tractor, which made a perfect discipline chair. I sat on the tractor and had him lay over my lap with his panties on. So there he was on his most manly piece of equipment, laid across my lap in panties being spanked.  I loved it!  The discipline session was focused solely on the garage.  The garage was a mess.  I talked about how I ruled the house, including the garage and all his tools. I  told him that I expected the entire house, which included the garage, to be kept organized and clean.  I gave him one week to get it in order.  Honestly, I really did not care how organized the garage was since I rarely use it. I did it more for amusement and to send the message that I have authority over everything he is connected to.

I was amused at how it motivated him. The following week I made him strip completely naked and then I towed him by his cock into the garage. I was dressed in my normal "street clothes". We have a door connecting the house to the garage so there was no public display.  The garage was clean and organized. He had even thrown away a lot of old junk. I spent several minutes walking around the garage investigating. I picked up tools, looked around shelves, and opened his tool box.  Part of this exercise was to reinforce the message that I have authority over everything.  There are no secrets or hiding spots for him.  I let him know how satisfied and pleased I was with how he cleaned the garage and I spent a few minutes teasing his cock right there in the garage.  Then I had him kneel down and kiss my feet and thank me for motivating him.  To keep him on his toes in the future, I told him that I may conduct random inspections in the garage and that he would be punished if it was not clean and organized.

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