If You Could......

I have an idea for a post but I need your input.  I would like input from both men and women.  If any of you have a blog, please feel free to post the question below on your blog and or feel free to forward the question to others.  The more responses I get from both men and women, the better.  Please have people respond either directly in the comments in this post or send to me at mzkaylee101@gmail.com
 
If you could have things any way you want in your FLR, what would be the top 5 - 10 things you would incorporate in your FLR?  Please answer honestly without consideration of your current situation.  In other words what is your ideal or fantasy FLR?   I will be compiling responses so please keep your responses simple and to the point and 10 items or less.  I do not want paragraphs of information or explanations of why you are listing each items.  Just send me 5 - 10 things your would incorporate in your ideal FLR. It could be rules, routines, or even the ideal way your partner would act.  For example, a few things I would list are:

• Nightly massages
• He does 100% chores
• He baths me
• Sex whenever I want and on my terms
• He sleeps naked.
• He responds immediately to my commands

Your list could be completely different and focused on different things. Certainly if you are a man, I would expect much different responses.  The example above is just to show how simple and concise I need the information.  If you wish to remain anonymous, then e-mail me your responses.  I will not publish names/responses.  My plan is to compile the information, share the results, and write a few overall observations on the results.

Thanks!!

Punishment

Hi all. It's been awhile since I wrote. Sorry for the long delay but things have been busy and I just needed to take a break from writing for awhile. You can thank my husband for this post as his recent behavior has motivated me to write this post. 

Unfortunately for him it is not good news but he has no one to blame but himself. He has not been performing his duties up to my expectation and slacking on his chores. There were a few big things that ultimately sent me over the edge but leading up to it, there were many small things. Things like not doing a thorough job cleaning the kitchen, not putting my clothes or the kids clothes away in the right spot and not neatly folding the items in my drawers. Some of it is him being forgetful but a lot has to do with his lack of focus on the tasks.  It irks me when I am cooking and have to look for a certain bowl because he did not put it away in the right place, especially when it’s not the first time I have told him about it. Many of these little things I talk to him about and discipline him and he does better but then a few weeks later he slips again. I was beginning to think that it was time for a punishment; something to get him to remember and focus on doing things to my expectation. My decision to punish was easily made the day I was driving my car and the gas light came on and I was not close to home.   It is his job to ensure my gas tank is always full. Goddesses do not pump gas J.  I’ve had to remind him a few times but I should not have to. It is up to him to check my car to make sure there is enough gas for me to do my needed driving each day. I was not happy at all that I had to pump gas. He received a text immediately from me that my car was low on gas and that I would have to fill it myself. He replied quickly that he was sorry. He knew he was in the dog house.

Punishments are a very effective tool in a FLR. In fact, I would say a punishment is very powerful when done right. Punishing your husband is essential for keeping the FLR strong. When you administer a punishment, it lets him know there are consequences for bad behavior and it also brings a fierce reality to his submission to you. When he faces the consequences doled out by you, it sends a clear message that this is not all fantasy and that you have authority over him. In my opinion, when you punish your husband and he accepts it, it has a real effect on his psyche which elevates your authority over him and pushes him deeper into submission to you. The ultimate outcome is a husband that is obedient and doing everything possible to make you happy and a husband that could never imagine a marriage in which he is equal to you because it is so natural for him to follow and please you.

In a healthy relationship, punishments are not frequent. If you have to punish your husband frequently, then there is something wrong.  He should not be disobeying you and displaying bad behavior on a regular basis. Punishment should be reserved for the serious infractions where he knowingly disobeyed you, did something unacceptable, or as in my recent experience, has recurring issues which discipline has not been effective in resolving long-term. Most of the time, he knows he did something wrong and the punishment should not come as a surprise to him.

The purpose of the punishment is to provide consequences for bad behavior in order to deter him from exhibiting bad behavior again.  Punishments also bring issues to closure.  Once a punishment is completed both husband and wife can move on with life rather than let something fester inside and stay angry.  I like the idea of let the punishment fit the crime.  More serious infractions lead to more serious and longer punishments.  The punishment can also be designed to provide a lesson specific to the infraction.  For example, in the past when he did not properly fold my clothes, I made him empty all of my drawers and refold everything and put it away again.

Earlier this year, I read advice somewhere (can’t remember where) that incorporating some sort of sexual connection or submissive connection into the punishment helps keep the husband from getting resentful or upset by the punishment.  My initial reaction was to disagree with the advice. After all, punishments should not be fun. However, the more I thought about it, the more it made sense and I realized that I actually do that myself. It does not make the punishment fun but rather it keeps his mind in submissive mode and makes it more acceptable for him to take on the punishment. If you’ve read my blog, you know that when I punish Thomas, I make him wear punishment panties during his punishment. This is the sexual connection because he gets excited by being ‘forced’ into panties. The difference is these panties are uncomfortable for him and they are just part of the punishment.  By the end of the punishment period he is ready to be done wearing them. They serve as a 24/7 reminder that he is in punishment mode but his actual punishment is much more unpleasant.

So let’s get back to Thomas. I have a few standard “go to” punishments that Thomas is used to receiving such as taking away privileges with friends or increasing his chores over a period of time.  This time I decided to change things up a bit. I wanted to get his attention and get him to start doing things right all of the time. A few days after the ‘gas incident’ I called him up to the room.  I had him strip down to the punishment panties he was wearing. Then I pointed to a pink bra on the bed and told him to put it on. He looked at me surprised.  I told him firmly to put it on and not ask questions. It was actually humorous watching him fumble with it. I had to help him into it.  Next I told him to get his butt plug and put it in. This time he obeyed without question.  I could tell he was embarrassed putting it in in front of me. Finally I had him put on a strap that snaps around the base of his cock and then pull his punishment panties back up. By now he was completely aroused and a bit confused. He was excited but unsure what was going on because of my serious tone.  He knew a punishment was eventually coming for the gas incident so I am sure he was trying to figure out if this was fun or punishment. He would learn soon enough.

I told him to put his clothes back on again, over the bra and panties. Then I told him my car needed gas and he should go put it in now. Now there was fear in his eyes. He questioned if I was serious. I explained that he already had punishment panties and that going forward I am incorporating a punishment bra. I talked to him about his forgetfulness, hastiness in doing chores, and lack of focus. I explained how I was tired of reminding him several times where things had to be put away. Finally I laid out the path forward, telling him whenever he has to correct something he did wrong; he will have to wear his butt plug and punishment panties while he corrected it. I didn’t care if it was just moving one thing from one cabinet to another; he would first have to go up and put those items on and then correct it. If he forgot to do something and I had to tell him about it, he would have to put the items on before doing it. Furthermore, once the items were on, he had to wear them until bedtime. I told him the bra would be reserved for more serious items based on my discretion. If he forgets to do something that causes me inconvenience (like put gas in my car) he will be made to do a task while wearing the bra.

I sent him off to put gas in my car. I could tell he was scared but I reminded him that it was chilly outside and he could use a coat to hide his ‘curves’.  I am not that cruel.  I would never make him wear a bra in public in the summer time. However, I later told him that there were many other possibilities for the bra punishment such as retrieving the mail from our mailbox at the end of the driveway, picking up prescriptions at the drive-through pharmacy and getting fast food at a drive through.  In the winter time I could make him do a lap around the mall with me.

This punishment was a bit out of my comfort zone.  I felt a little bad sending him out in public but it was night time, he was covered up with a coat and all he had to do was pump gas.  It was low risk with high punishment factor and it was very effective.  The fear of having to do that again has kept him very obedient and focused and he is paying much closer attention to what he is doing.  The strap and plug have been used a few times since, but I can see that he is paying more attention with what is being corrected.  He’s even taking notes! The plug or strap may seem exciting at first, but they get more uncomfortable the longer he wears them and it is very inconvenient for him to have to constantly change and put those items on just to correct something he did wrong.

I also sense that after the punishment he feels a much deeper submission to me now. He did not expect such a drastic punishment from me.  Now he knows that I can and will push limits to hold him accountable and this has positively changed his behavior.  Afterward he left me a note apologizing for his bad behavior and thanking me for getting him back on track.  I hope you see the power in this and how effective punishment can be.

I know it can be a challenge figuring out how to punish.  The panty/bra punishment is certainly an unusual punishment and may not be something you would want to try.  That is perfectly fine.  I just shared it as an example of a creative approach that is effective at both deterring bad behavior and increasing your level of authority in the relationship. If you can customize it to the infraction that is best.  The other thing to do is give him things that he will not enjoy.  Remember, you want to deter him from doing bad behavior by letting him know there are consequences if he is bad. Here are a few ideas:

• Double-up on his chores for a week or two – have him do your chores during this time; also be extra messy so that his chores take longer
• Add new punishment chores – clean all your shoes, iron a stack of your clothes, hand wash your panties each night, clean your car, clean the bathroom every night
• Early bedtime
• No talking for a period of time
• Chastity Cage
• No TV; no cell phone when you are together
• Cannot go out with friends
• Takeaway spending money
• Micromanage him – he must ask permission for everything (to eat, drink, go to bathroom), when away he must text you every hour telling you where he is and what he is doing, give him lots of little tasks to do throughout day (get water, get pen, change his clothes, wash his hands, check the temperature outside, etc.)  If he complains, extend the duration of the punishment.
• Sleep on floor or couch
• Not allowed to sit on furniture
• Make him eat after everyone else in the house has eaten.
• Hand write over and over again, “I will not…..[whatever bad behavior is]”
• Deny his orgasm longer than usual
• Must stay home and do chores while you go out for fun.  Tell friends you are with that he could not come because he has things to do for you which he did not get done earlier.
• Cold showers or he must take a bath using your leftover bathwater
• Must get up extra early to do chores or do an errand for you (having breakfast or a fresh donut before work is nice).
• Physical punishments that are unpleasant and become tiresome for him:  
• Stand or kneel naked in corner each night or morning over several days (hold quarter against wall with nose)
• Wear something uncomfortable every time he does chores such as a butt plug, uncomfortable shoes, or tight/spiked cock cage/harness
• Hard spanking

Those Weird Kinky Moments That Bring Us Closer Together

Sex is an important part of marriage and I believe kink has a rightful place in the marriage as well. Just about every man in the world would not argue with this. It's unfortunate that many women do not recognize this. When a woman ignores the sexual component of her marriage it creates stress in the marriage which can cause her to be distant from her husband, or even worse, it creates risk for an affair to occur.  Men are sexual creatures; this can not be ignored. Women are sexual too, but for men it's much more prevalent and always on their minds.

In a FLR the woman recognizes the importance of sex to the man and uses it as a tool to control him and maintain authority over him. A woman who embraces her husband's submission and sexual desires will create an environment that strengthens the marriage and bring the couple closer together and connected on a deep spiritual level. When done right, a FLR builds an environment where the husband's life evolves around her not just because there are rules, but because he worships her, adores her, and is addicted to her authority and control. In this type of environment, the man feels lucky to be married to his wife and strives to to please her any way he can. The thought of an affair is non-existent.

Many women struggle with embracing their inner Goddess or Mistress. This includes letting their inhibitions go and actively using their husband's sexual desires and fantasies as tools to elevate her control and authority over him. It was something that took me awhile to understand and embrace and when I did, it opened up a whole new world to me. Here is the crazy thing - In talking with a friend of mine (you know who you are :)), we both came to the conclusion that those strange kinky moments brought us closer together with our husbands in a big way.  It's something you have to experience to truly understand. Before I elaborate, I'd like to share a few quotes from Elise Sutton. I consider her an expert on female authority and she has been a wonderful influence on both my husband and I.  In the early years of our FLR, my husband bought me one of her books and it helped me to understand how real and fulfilling a FLR lifestyle is.

"Men create the majority of FemDom art, pictures and images to express how powerful women are in their eyes and how weak they feel in a woman’s presence. These images represent what men are feeling inside."

"So I say to the ladies, please do not get offended by FemDom artwork, videos, or literature, no matter how graphic in nature some of these may be. Instead, look more closely at what is being expressed by the male gender. What are men trying to convey when they produce media that shows men collared and bound at the feet of a woman? Ask yourself, why are sites like The Other World Kingdom so popular with men? What do these pictures say about the male submissive nature?  If a woman will look closer, get over her prudish and self-righteous ways and examine the message more than the content, then she will gain an incredible insight into the male psyche. What is the underlying message to all of these expressions, regardless of the content? Is it not simply the male gender recognizing his need to submit to the female gender? Is it not the inner male child, crying out to be disciplined and trained by the female gender? Is it not the true nature of man breaking forth in his attempt to surrender himself to the female gender?"

The entire article can be found here:  http://femdoming.com/what-is-female-domination-female-supremacy/ 

The article also talks about female superiority, which has been a hot topic here the last few weeks so be sure to check it out.

Ms. Sutton's observations and insights are spot on. Women need to understand that men desire kink and submissive men desire to be dominated by a woman. They want to be spanked, punished, held accountable, and put in an environment filled with rules, strictness, and rituals that reinforce their submission. They are happiest and most productive when they are in this type of environment. When things start turning back to "vanilla" their minds wander back to porn and fantasies and the focus comes off of the their wives. Even in a FLR, this can happen. Overtime, the FLR becomes routine and the spice is lost. Men in this situation overtime will often just accept the situation and even start believing that kinkiness should not be a part of the FLR. I've seen this dynamic play out in forums where you have people who have many years of experience in a FLR.  A new comer posts a kinky experience and then all the old timers blast him for it. In those situations, I think it's the old-timers that need to reevaluate themselves. They've essentially been trained by their wives that the kinky desires are bad or that they should suppress these desires. However, I'm pretty sure deep down, those desires exist in those men and if their wives simply played into them, it would take their marriage to a whole new level and the men would not complain at all.

I'll caveat a few things here. For most men, the need for kink declines when they are older but I don't think it ever goes away. I can tell you my hubby is in his late 40's and is horny as ever.  Also, in more mature relationships there tends to be a less emphasis on kink. I believe it's in the best interest of the marriage to always have some level of kink, but the frequency and intensity of it will vary based on the individuals desires and will probably change over time.

I also want to make it clear that I am not saying the old-timers in my example are unhappy or disconnected in the marriage. The fact that they are in a FLR probably means they are happier and more connected to their wives than most other men who are in vanilla relationships. One can certainly have a FLR without kink. The point I am making is that kink is a powerful tool that brings the couple closer together, makes the marriage happier, contributes to the increasing authority of the wife over the husband and for the husband creates loyalty to his wife. A husband without kink is living like a caterpillar, whereas if he had kink, he could experience his full potential as a butterfly and live a much more fulfilling life. With kink he will happily soar on his submissive wings and bring even greater joy to his wife.

I will share a few of my own personal examples to bring some context to all this theory. When I first married Thomas, I never imagined that many years later I would have him lying over my lap, dressed in frilly panties, and waiting be spanked with my riding crop. I did not even know the concept of orgasm control and denial, or that there were wives that punished their husbands. When Thomas brought those concepts to me I thought it was strange and weird but I kept an open mind about it and gave it a try. It was only after living through these experiences a few times that I began to gain an understanding of why the FLR dynamic worked.

One of my earlier kinky experiences was when I focused on the "little girl" in Thomas. I had put him in panties previously, but this particular time, I was more comfortable in my role and I playfully teased him and talked about how cute he was in panties and told him that he was my little girl. The reaction from him was indescribable. He was quiet, docile, almost blank. I knew he was aroused beyond belief.  He was in subspace.  I think he was shocked that I went "there" and I was a little surprised myself. I felt his vulnerability, his submission to me, and my power over him. He was putty in my hands.

It was a very intimate moment for us. It brought us closer together. The next day he could not thank me enough for doing it. His obedience to me was at an all time high the next few days and his loyalty to me increased. He confessed he was embarrassed by it but that he was also very excited by what happened. He did not understand it, but he loved it. How many husbands and wives have those types of very personal and intimate experiences and discussions? When you can  talk about those things, it creates a special bond. It is wonderful.

I have more examples to share but I will pause there for now. Please share your thoughts or similar experiences. I also encourage all of the women readers to explore the kinky side of the relationship. It's never too late to start. Trust me, your husband will love it and it will do wonders for your relationship. If you have any reservations about this, please share and we can discuss.

-Mz Kaylee

The Superior Female

Some of the comments in the post “The Dominant Part of FLR“ centered on Female Superiority and whether or not females are superior to men. If you search the internet (and I did) you will find articles that make the case for female superiority and articles that make the case for male superiority. Which side is right? Some are a little more scientific than others.  The article below presents a balanced view of both arguments:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/hide-and-seek/201207/the-battle-the-sexes

I never paid much attention to the argument and considered female superiority more fantasy than fact. However, the recent comments have had me thinking about it more. I’ve been reflecting on the behaviors in my own marriage and have begun to wonder if I’ve been subscribing to the female superiority belief on a subconscious level. To start with, Thomas refers to me as Goddess and I do take on that role well J. It actually took many years for me to embrace the role but once I accepted my role as Goddess to Thomas, it unlocked a whole new world for me and our FLR grew in leaps and bounds.  We use the term ‘worship’ quite often. Thomas worships my feet, he worships my panties, and after he massages my body, he thanks me for allowing him to worship my body. Is it really worship or is it fantasy? He regularly kneels before me and kisses my feet. He also kisses my legs, ass, and other body parts before he massages them. These are all signs of worship. Does that make me superior to him?  

Then there is the ownership thing. I feel a sense of ownership in Thomas. How about it  my fellow Goddesses and Mistresses, don’t you feel this too? I know Thomas wants to feel like he’s owned. He is still my husband but it is like he is also my property. I can do what I please with him and he obeys without question. I use him for my pleasure when I want and I use him as a work horse for me and he loves it. When you think about it, over the years I have trained him, shaped him, and molded him. Most of what he does during the day is either for me or because of me. I have shaped his daily behaviors and even molded the way he thinks. I take ownership in that. Does that make me a superior being to him?

Thomas could not imagine a life where he is equal with me and neither could I. We both agree that our marriage is much better and individually we are better people and much happier with me in the lead and him submitting to me. He may be physically stronger than me but I can outsmart him. I know how to push all his buttons and wrap him around my finger and get him to do just about anything. Does that make me stronger than him? I am definitely superior to him in marriage and in life. He has accepted that but does that make me a superior being to him?  Maybe.

Taking the stance of females being superior over males is certainly a great way to embrace the dominant role and there is no doubt in my mind that if both partners embrace this concept their FLR will flourish but is it really just fantasy? Where I struggle the most with the concept is outside of the marriage.  Am I to expect that when Thomas walks into a room of women, he is to accept that he is inferior to all of them? I’m not so sure about that. There are quite a few women that I know, whom I would not consider superior to my husband.  I would expect him to treat all women with respect and go out of his way to accommodate them, but not that he see himself as an inferior human to them. What about when I walk into a room of men….should I feel superior to them?  Hmmm, I like that thought J.  It’s a great thought but I sense that a woman who viewed herself superior to men might come off condescending and will have challenges building relationships and trust with men.  Perhaps that would not matter to the superior woman. If I proclaim myself a superior being to men, what does that matter anyway?  Why is that important?  It’s just another label. 

Please share your thoughts and opinions. It would be great to hear discussions arguing for each side (superiority vs. equality).

-Mz Kaylee

Exerting your Dominance

This post is a followup to the previous post. You all are making it easy to write this post. Your comments have been great and on point to what I was thinking. Much of what was shared are things I would consider a must in a FLR and some are things that are not necessarily "musts" but are practices that enhance and strengthen the FLR and distinguish it from a typical vanilla relationship.

If you recall, the questions we were trying to answer were: what makes a FLR real and not just a game to spice up the marriage; how do you keep it from being vanilla?

From the comments shared, here are the things I consider musts:

1. Orgasm Control -this directs his focus to the wife and gives her authority over him.
2. Formal acceptance of her authority.  No negotiation of the established authority -  formal acceptance is a key distinguishing factor compared to a traditional marriage where the wife is known to "wear the pants."  
3. Inequality - FLR does not exist if there is equality.

Items from the comments that are not required but add to the wife's dominance and keep the relationship from becoming vanilla:

1. Punishment - makes him accountable for his actions and establishes clear lines of power and authority between husband and wife.. The first time he is punished, it brings a new level of reality to the FLR and he learns it's not a fantasy anymore. Punishment also improves obedience.
2. Financial control - Money is a source of power.  When the wife controls the money, she increases her power and authority over him. Without direct access to money, the husband becomes dependent on her and this deepens his submission to her. What better way to pay tribute to your wife than to work hard to earn money and let her spend it how she desires? 
3. He does most of the chores - This one is not on the must list but it is pretty much a staple in every FLR. I can't imagine why a wife would not take advantage of this one. Very early in the FLR the wife may not know enough about FLR or have enough confidence to start assigning chores, but usually she gets there pretty quickly. When it comes to chores, I see two differences in a FLR versus a traditional marriage. First, in a FLR most, if not all, chores are assigned to the husband. The wife is only doing chores that she wants to do or has to do out of necessity. Whereas in a traditional marriage there usually is a balance of work between husband and wife and it is often split based on social norms (e.g. girls clean and guys do the labor intensive work). The other difference is that in a FLR the wife has clear expectations on how and when chores are done and if they are not done according to those expectations, there are consequences for the husband. Before we started a FLR Thomas did his chores his way and I felt I did not have much say. For example, he did the dishes but sometimes he would let them sit until the next day or not put the clean dishes away for days. He did not always wipe the table down either. If I complained about this, he might do better for a few days but then go back to his old habits. If I said something again it would be nagging. Sometimes I would wipe the table and counters and put things away rather than confront him. Now in our FLR, he knows he must have the dishes done every night and wipe the table and counters or he will be punished. I have no reservations about holding him accountable for these expectations.
4. Rituals - many of you described rituals. I loved reading how many guys on a daily basis bend to their knees in front of their wives and proclaim their love and obedience for her.  How wonderful and romantic and a great way to keep the bonds of marriage and FLR strong.

Thank you all for your contributions on this topic.  You captured many key elements of a FLR that separate it from a traditional marriage. In addition to the above, control in the bedroom is another aspect of the FLR. This can be implied with orgasm control but I thought is was worthy of expanding the discussion more. With Thomas I have complete control when it comes to sex and the bedroom activities. Sex is always on my terms and when and how I want it.  He can voice an opinion but I choose whether or not to do anything about it. If I want an orgasm, I get one, His cock belongs to me and is my play toy to use whenever I desire. He pleases me anyway I desire and his pleasure is secondary.  During sex he is always on the bottom, and is not allowed to thrust unless I give permission. He never expects an orgasm but always seeks to give me one. He must always ask for permission to cum, no exceptions to this rule! How a woman chooses to manage the sex and bedroom play is up to her but it should always be on her terms.

It is also important that the wife keeps the FLR evolving. Believe it or not a FLR can become vanilla to the husband and wife. Someone on the outside may not see it as vanilla but for a couple that has been living the same routines over a period of time, those routines can become vanilla and then the relationship loses its spark. Your FLR should be a never ending journey that keeps evolving and growing. I think many women do fall into the routine and that is one of these reasons I started my blog.  There are so many blogs and articles about how to start a FLR but very few address the ongoing challenges of a FLR and what to do after you have established it.  One of my goals for this blog is to share ideas to keep relationships fun, exciting, and evolving.

Each topic above is worth digging into more deeply. I plan to expand on each one in my next few posts. If there is one in particular that you have an interest in, let me know. I also encourage you to read the comments in the previous post. There is great discussion and I have spent time replying to comments. However, I do not want to be the only one responding. Please add your thoughts and opinions to the discussions. Thanks to those of you who have been contributing. I am thrilled to see so many different people commenting and sharing their real life experiences.  Your contributions truly make this blog much more meaningful and a great source of information for both men and women.

Mz Kaylee

The Dominant part of the FLR

Gigi recently posed the question of what makes a FLR real and not just a game to spice up the marriage; how do you keep it from being vanilla?

There are many relationships where the wife is naturally the head of the household.  How many times have you heard someone say, 'Well I know who wears the pants in that relationship"?  Although the woman is in the lead, it is still a vanilla relationship. When I write about FLR, I am not referring to these types of relationships.  I envision the FLR as a formal structured approach to the relationship where the wife has clear lines of authority, dominance, and control over the husband.  I think that is the main point that Ggi is getting to in her question. Before I share my thoughts on this I would like to hear from all of you.  Please share your real experiences with this and what are the things that make it real for you and different than a typical relationship?  What areas clearly show her dominance over you? I also want to add the question of why is this important for you?

Decision Making: Leading versus Dictating

Frequently people mistakenly assume that in a Female Led Relationship (FLR) or Wife Led Marriage (WLM)  the wife makes all the decisions in the relationship and the husband has no say at all. Then there are those who take it a step further and assume that because the wife makes all the decisions, she is only going to make decisions that are best for her, without any care for what the husband wants. These are big misconceptions. I have written on the topic of decision making in a FLR in the past but a recent comment on the I'm Her's blog made me want to revisit the topic. The comment was under the post "United We Stand, Divide We Fall" in July 2017. The reader posed several questions in a few comments, but below is an excerpt that I think captures the essence of the concern"

"..the question always remains how do you know that your partner is correct or right and does blind following of their decisions really lead you as the individual to a better place in life? Will you be a happier partner by following their decisions or will you only be happy for the short term since it suits the dominant partner when they want it to suit them?"

FLR is a complex concept and different thinking compared to traditional marriage and there is a ton of bad advice and incorrect information on the subject so it is easy to be confused about the roles and responsibilities in the FLR. Let's start with the "L" in FLR and WLM. It stands for 'led' which makes the wife the leader of the relationship. A leader is not the same as dictator.  At times, a leader may dictate orders when he/she feels it is in the best interest of the organization (or marriage in this case) but great leaders bring people together and motivate them to excel toward a certain vision. They are good at identifying the strengths and unique abilities of each individual and leveraging those strengths and abilities to help achieve the vision. Those that follow the leader look to her/him for direction, guidance, and motivation. Good leaders inspire people to want to follow them and achieve the vision. A good leader knows the strengths and abilities of each individual and strikes the right balance between empowering her/his followers to do things for her/him versus dictating and making decisions on her/his own.

Those same principles can be applied to the FLR/WLM. In the FLR, the wife has the right to final say in all decisions but she does not have to exercise that right all the time. If there are strengths that her husband has, the best thing she can do is utilize those strengths to help make the right decisions. For example, my husband is very good with finances and money. Therefore if we are going to make a big purchase that requires a loan or if we want to start saving money, he is the one that will figure out the best way to do it.  I may ask him questions or ask him to explore other options. I will expect him to explain his logic but I am pretty much going to agree with what he recommends because he knows more than I do when it comes to finances. 

Likewise, he is great at planning activities. When it comes to vacation I will usually lean on him to do all the research and come up with ideas for vacation, suggestions for hotels, car rentals. etc. I know he will do a good job with it and it saves me time. However, he is not allowed to book anything until we discuss his ideas. During this discussion I will add my input and we will decide together about what to do.  Many times it ends up being different than what his original suggestion was.  If there is ever a difference of opinion that can not be resolved, I get the final say.  He is fine with this as it is part of the deal that he bought into with FLR. In the end we plan a vacation that we both will enjoy. I would not want to plan a vacation that he would not enjoy because that would take away from my enjoyment.

Hopefully you can see that this is not 'blind' following, which was a concern in the comment at the beginning of this post.  I am seeking input from my husband when it comes to the big decisions and often times relying on his recommendations.  In no way does this take away my control or influence over him. In fact, this makes me an even stronger leader as I am making him work for me so that I can make better decisions.  The difference between this and a traditional marriage is that there is an expectation that he can not make big decisions on his own and that I get the final approval and final say on what is to be done. 

Something else to not lose sight of is the reason why the wife married the husband. I can't speak for others but I chose my husband because I enjoy hanging out with him, we have similar ideals, he is supportive of me, intelligent and my best friend. I do not want that to change. I call him slave but that is more for fun. In reality I do not want a mindless slave that just obeys and waits for the next command. I want a husband who is a great companion. Part of that companionship is making big decisions together such as what house to buy, how to remodel the kitchen, and where to go on vacation. In essence, this could be considered the vision that I follow when making decisions (but my marriage vision would encompass much more such as healthy family, supporting kids, etc.). With that perspective it would not make sense for me to expect my husband to blindly follow me and it would not make sense for me to impose rules or make decisions that would leave him completely unhappy.

There may be some women who take a bolder stance on decision making. Every couple is different and for some people a more dictator type approach may work. However, in my opinion, the more extreme/dictator approach the wife takes, the less likely the marriage will remain stable and happy in the long-run. In this extreme case I would agree with the comment at the beginning of this post, that happiness would be short-lived. 

It is also important to recognize differences in peoples abilities and that life is one great learning experience. A younger wife, new to FLR  may not be a strong leader but that should not stop her from embarking on a FLR. There are many different flavors of FLR. She does not have to start out having complete authority over her husband. She can start with small areas that she is comfortable with and increase her breadth of authority over time as she learns and her confidence builds. That's pretty much how it happened with me. My guess is that it is rare to find someone that just jumped in and knew all the right things to do. There is nothing stopping an inexperienced wife from growing into a strong leader.  I disagree with the notion that if a person is not a leader or not dominate that they can not be turned into a leader or dominant person. If they have the desire, the right environment, and encouragement they can change over time. The husband should support her in this endeavor. If the wife makes a mistake or bad decision, then an  apology will suffice. Nobody is perfect. Mistakes and decisions are where we learn the most and when we learn from them it makes us better individuals.

A final thought that I will leave with you is that FLR is a journey that both husband and wife embark on together.  For a FLR to flourish there must be trust, compassion, and love from both husband and wife.  

This is a complex topic that can often cause stress or confusion in a relationship so please chime in with your thoughts or questions.  I expect that people will have different views on this so I am looking forward to the discussion.

-Mz Kaylee