Commanding Him To Cum

Commanding your husband to cum is a powerful and impactful action that builds your control over him and adds to his submissiveness. What better proof of your dominance over him than having him cum on command? Training and conditioning him to cum on command is easy to do and there are many techniques that you can use.

If you practice orgasm control you are already ahead of the game. I've written about orgasm control in my past posts but I've always focused on the teasing and denial aspects of it. In this post, I will focus on the orgasm. If you are practicing teasing and denial, you already know how to bring your husband to the edge of orgasm and if you've been doing it for awhile, you've probably mastered the art of bringing him to the edge over and over again and keeping there. When he is in a highly aroused state and focused on holding back his orgasm for you, having him cum on commands is easy. All you have to do is firmly order "cum for me" and simultaneously stroke his cock hard. Instant orgasm!  The three simple words are powerful. The last two words redirect his focus to you. He is cumning not because he wants to but because you want him to. Be sure that the tone of your voice is firm and commanding. It's the little things that make a big difference. You are sending a message to his mind that he is cumming for you and not for himself. This is much more powerful and impactful than simply allowing him to cum. In the past when Thomas asked for permission to cum, if I was going to allow it, I would respond with ,"yes, you can come." I have since changed my response to "cum for me."

It is a mind fuck for him as he is so focused on holding back his orgasm and then suddenly without warning, he is ordered to cum. Trust me, if you have him on the edge when you do this, the switch in his mind from holding back to releasing orgasm is instant and almost a natural immediate reaction. It is fascinating and I revel in the power that I can instantly bring him to orgasm at any moment.

You can try different variations with the command. Instead of ordering him with no warning at all, you can give him advance notice. You can tell him at the start of the teasing that you are going to let him orgasm but that he must not orgasm until you give the order. This present an even greater mind fuck for him because now he knows it is coming but just not when. As you tease him there is greater hope in his mind that this will be the moment he gets to orgasm. He will most likely get to the edge much quicker and find it harder to hold back. There is a much different set of emotions spinning through his head when he knows he can orgasm at some point compared to if he is holding back his orgasm as part of normal tease and denial. You can also give him a warning when the time is close.  For example, "I am going to let you cum in just a moment but just not right now...."  Watch how his arousal spikes when you say those words.

Another technique is giving him a count down to orgasm. This is a great mind game for him and also a good technique to use if you are new to teasing and denial and not quite familiar with the signs of when he is about explode. You simply tell him you are going to count him down to orgasm and when you get to 1 he can orgasm. When you reach 1, be sure to give him the firm command.  "5-4-3-2-1, cum for me!"  He will instantly cum at that moment! This is a fool proof option. Once you start the countdown his mind is completely focused on getting ready to cum. By the time you get to 3 or 2 he is ready to burst and can barely hold out for 1. A nice steady count down is a great way to condition him to cum on your command and he become very excited by your count down.

Once you have him trained well, you can have fun with the count down. You can start at 10 and do it very slowly to prolong the tease.  You could pause in between certain numbers and verbally tease him a bit about how close he is, how cute it is to see him straining, or how weak he is under your control.  The pauses will drive him insane. I do not recommend pausing at the lower numbers, unless you are feeling a bit cruel :)  It certainly would test his will power but there's a good chance he is past the point of no return and he may burst before you get to command him to cum. Another fun thing to do is stop stroking right before you command him to cum and watch him explode on his own.  Talk about the power of your words!  You can experiment with this and stop stroking on earlier numbers.  I've been able to stop stroking when I get to 3 and he still cums when I finish the count down and command him to cum. It's so much fun to watch and see him cum on command without any touching!  It's a big mind tease for him as well.

These techniques can be used with him masturbating instead of you stroking, or even during sex.  Be creative and have fun!

More on Power Words
As I indicated above it is a powerful action when you command him to cum for you versus just giving him permission to cum. Do not underestimate the power of your words.  Using the right words can multiply the arousing and submissive effect on him and can have a lasting impression. The difference between great sex and great femdom sex is that after awhile great sex is forgotten about but great femdom sticks in his mind year-after-year. Men do not forget those moments when you give them a great mind fuck.

You can play around with many words to enhance the experience of commanding him to cum. When you are in the heat of the moment, I am sure many words will come to mind naturally. Some phrases I have used are: "Cum for me slave," "cum for me Pet," and "Give me all of your cum." While he is cumming I may say things like, "Yes," "Good boy," or "That's right, cum for me." Another powerful command is "I am going to take all your cum from you." I love the dominance in this command. It is a fun command to use if you are going to allow him to orgasm during intercourse. This sends a clear message that you are in control and taking his cum. He has no choice.  You could follow the command with, "There's nothing you can do about it."

There are many possibilities with commanding him to cum. Be sure to be firm and confident when you give the command. When you combine this with orgasm denial, you will have a powerful orgasm control program in place that will clearly establish you as the one in control. Think about how powerful this is.....he never orgasms without your permission, you deny him orgasm as long as you wish, keeping his arousal high, and then the moment you want him to orgasm, you command it from him and his body instantly responds without thought. With you in complete control of his orgasm, he is under your thumb and deeply submissive.  A wonderful way to be, don't you think?

If You Could.....followup

Thanks to all who responded to the previous post.  I received lots of emails and everyone did a great job at keeping it simple and concise. I very much appreciate that! I still need more responses, especially from women. You can either post your comments here or send an email to me if you wish to remain anonymous.  I will not publish any names. Please refer to the previous post for instructions and my email address. 

Thanks! Happy Holidays!

-Mz Kaylee 

If You Could......

I have an idea for a post but I need your input.  I would like input from both men and women.  If any of you have a blog, please feel free to post the question below on your blog and or feel free to forward the question to others.  The more responses I get from both men and women, the better.  Please have people respond either directly in the comments in this post or send to me at mzkaylee101@gmail.com
 
If you could have things any way you want in your FLR, what would be the top 5 - 10 things you would incorporate in your FLR?  Please answer honestly without consideration of your current situation.  In other words what is your ideal or fantasy FLR?   I will be compiling responses so please keep your responses simple and to the point and 10 items or less.  I do not want paragraphs of information or explanations of why you are listing each items.  Just send me 5 - 10 things your would incorporate in your ideal FLR. It could be rules, routines, or even the ideal way your partner would act.  For example, a few things I would list are:

• Nightly massages
• He does 100% chores
• He baths me
• Sex whenever I want and on my terms
• He sleeps naked.
• He responds immediately to my commands

Your list could be completely different and focused on different things. Certainly if you are a man, I would expect much different responses.  The example above is just to show how simple and concise I need the information.  If you wish to remain anonymous, then e-mail me your responses.  I will not publish names/responses.  My plan is to compile the information, share the results, and write a few overall observations on the results.

Thanks!!

Punishment

Hi all. It's been awhile since I wrote. Sorry for the long delay but things have been busy and I just needed to take a break from writing for awhile. You can thank my husband for this post as his recent behavior has motivated me to write this post. 

Unfortunately for him it is not good news but he has no one to blame but himself. He has not been performing his duties up to my expectation and slacking on his chores. There were a few big things that ultimately sent me over the edge but leading up to it, there were many small things. Things like not doing a thorough job cleaning the kitchen, not putting my clothes or the kids clothes away in the right spot and not neatly folding the items in my drawers. Some of it is him being forgetful but a lot has to do with his lack of focus on the tasks.  It irks me when I am cooking and have to look for a certain bowl because he did not put it away in the right place, especially when it’s not the first time I have told him about it. Many of these little things I talk to him about and discipline him and he does better but then a few weeks later he slips again. I was beginning to think that it was time for a punishment; something to get him to remember and focus on doing things to my expectation. My decision to punish was easily made the day I was driving my car and the gas light came on and I was not close to home.   It is his job to ensure my gas tank is always full. Goddesses do not pump gas J.  I’ve had to remind him a few times but I should not have to. It is up to him to check my car to make sure there is enough gas for me to do my needed driving each day. I was not happy at all that I had to pump gas. He received a text immediately from me that my car was low on gas and that I would have to fill it myself. He replied quickly that he was sorry. He knew he was in the dog house.

Punishments are a very effective tool in a FLR. In fact, I would say a punishment is very powerful when done right. Punishing your husband is essential for keeping the FLR strong. When you administer a punishment, it lets him know there are consequences for bad behavior and it also brings a fierce reality to his submission to you. When he faces the consequences doled out by you, it sends a clear message that this is not all fantasy and that you have authority over him. In my opinion, when you punish your husband and he accepts it, it has a real effect on his psyche which elevates your authority over him and pushes him deeper into submission to you. The ultimate outcome is a husband that is obedient and doing everything possible to make you happy and a husband that could never imagine a marriage in which he is equal to you because it is so natural for him to follow and please you.

In a healthy relationship, punishments are not frequent. If you have to punish your husband frequently, then there is something wrong.  He should not be disobeying you and displaying bad behavior on a regular basis. Punishment should be reserved for the serious infractions where he knowingly disobeyed you, did something unacceptable, or as in my recent experience, has recurring issues which discipline has not been effective in resolving long-term. Most of the time, he knows he did something wrong and the punishment should not come as a surprise to him.

The purpose of the punishment is to provide consequences for bad behavior in order to deter him from exhibiting bad behavior again.  Punishments also bring issues to closure.  Once a punishment is completed both husband and wife can move on with life rather than let something fester inside and stay angry.  I like the idea of let the punishment fit the crime.  More serious infractions lead to more serious and longer punishments.  The punishment can also be designed to provide a lesson specific to the infraction.  For example, in the past when he did not properly fold my clothes, I made him empty all of my drawers and refold everything and put it away again.

Earlier this year, I read advice somewhere (can’t remember where) that incorporating some sort of sexual connection or submissive connection into the punishment helps keep the husband from getting resentful or upset by the punishment.  My initial reaction was to disagree with the advice. After all, punishments should not be fun. However, the more I thought about it, the more it made sense and I realized that I actually do that myself. It does not make the punishment fun but rather it keeps his mind in submissive mode and makes it more acceptable for him to take on the punishment. If you’ve read my blog, you know that when I punish Thomas, I make him wear punishment panties during his punishment. This is the sexual connection because he gets excited by being ‘forced’ into panties. The difference is these panties are uncomfortable for him and they are just part of the punishment.  By the end of the punishment period he is ready to be done wearing them. They serve as a 24/7 reminder that he is in punishment mode but his actual punishment is much more unpleasant.

So let’s get back to Thomas. I have a few standard “go to” punishments that Thomas is used to receiving such as taking away privileges with friends or increasing his chores over a period of time.  This time I decided to change things up a bit. I wanted to get his attention and get him to start doing things right all of the time. A few days after the ‘gas incident’ I called him up to the room.  I had him strip down to the punishment panties he was wearing. Then I pointed to a pink bra on the bed and told him to put it on. He looked at me surprised.  I told him firmly to put it on and not ask questions. It was actually humorous watching him fumble with it. I had to help him into it.  Next I told him to get his butt plug and put it in. This time he obeyed without question.  I could tell he was embarrassed putting it in in front of me. Finally I had him put on a strap that snaps around the base of his cock and then pull his punishment panties back up. By now he was completely aroused and a bit confused. He was excited but unsure what was going on because of my serious tone.  He knew a punishment was eventually coming for the gas incident so I am sure he was trying to figure out if this was fun or punishment. He would learn soon enough.

I told him to put his clothes back on again, over the bra and panties. Then I told him my car needed gas and he should go put it in now. Now there was fear in his eyes. He questioned if I was serious. I explained that he already had punishment panties and that going forward I am incorporating a punishment bra. I talked to him about his forgetfulness, hastiness in doing chores, and lack of focus. I explained how I was tired of reminding him several times where things had to be put away. Finally I laid out the path forward, telling him whenever he has to correct something he did wrong; he will have to wear his butt plug and punishment panties while he corrected it. I didn’t care if it was just moving one thing from one cabinet to another; he would first have to go up and put those items on and then correct it. If he forgot to do something and I had to tell him about it, he would have to put the items on before doing it. Furthermore, once the items were on, he had to wear them until bedtime. I told him the bra would be reserved for more serious items based on my discretion. If he forgets to do something that causes me inconvenience (like put gas in my car) he will be made to do a task while wearing the bra.

I sent him off to put gas in my car. I could tell he was scared but I reminded him that it was chilly outside and he could use a coat to hide his ‘curves’.  I am not that cruel.  I would never make him wear a bra in public in the summer time. However, I later told him that there were many other possibilities for the bra punishment such as retrieving the mail from our mailbox at the end of the driveway, picking up prescriptions at the drive-through pharmacy and getting fast food at a drive through.  In the winter time I could make him do a lap around the mall with me.

This punishment was a bit out of my comfort zone.  I felt a little bad sending him out in public but it was night time, he was covered up with a coat and all he had to do was pump gas.  It was low risk with high punishment factor and it was very effective.  The fear of having to do that again has kept him very obedient and focused and he is paying much closer attention to what he is doing.  The strap and plug have been used a few times since, but I can see that he is paying more attention with what is being corrected.  He’s even taking notes! The plug or strap may seem exciting at first, but they get more uncomfortable the longer he wears them and it is very inconvenient for him to have to constantly change and put those items on just to correct something he did wrong.

I also sense that after the punishment he feels a much deeper submission to me now. He did not expect such a drastic punishment from me.  Now he knows that I can and will push limits to hold him accountable and this has positively changed his behavior.  Afterward he left me a note apologizing for his bad behavior and thanking me for getting him back on track.  I hope you see the power in this and how effective punishment can be.

I know it can be a challenge figuring out how to punish.  The panty/bra punishment is certainly an unusual punishment and may not be something you would want to try.  That is perfectly fine.  I just shared it as an example of a creative approach that is effective at both deterring bad behavior and increasing your level of authority in the relationship. If you can customize it to the infraction that is best.  The other thing to do is give him things that he will not enjoy.  Remember, you want to deter him from doing bad behavior by letting him know there are consequences if he is bad. Here are a few ideas:

• Double-up on his chores for a week or two – have him do your chores during this time; also be extra messy so that his chores take longer
• Add new punishment chores – clean all your shoes, iron a stack of your clothes, hand wash your panties each night, clean your car, clean the bathroom every night
• Early bedtime
• No talking for a period of time
• Chastity Cage
• No TV; no cell phone when you are together
• Cannot go out with friends
• Takeaway spending money
• Micromanage him – he must ask permission for everything (to eat, drink, go to bathroom), when away he must text you every hour telling you where he is and what he is doing, give him lots of little tasks to do throughout day (get water, get pen, change his clothes, wash his hands, check the temperature outside, etc.)  If he complains, extend the duration of the punishment.
• Sleep on floor or couch
• Not allowed to sit on furniture
• Make him eat after everyone else in the house has eaten.
• Hand write over and over again, “I will not…..[whatever bad behavior is]”
• Deny his orgasm longer than usual
• Must stay home and do chores while you go out for fun.  Tell friends you are with that he could not come because he has things to do for you which he did not get done earlier.
• Cold showers or he must take a bath using your leftover bathwater
• Must get up extra early to do chores or do an errand for you (having breakfast or a fresh donut before work is nice).
• Physical punishments that are unpleasant and become tiresome for him:  
• Stand or kneel naked in corner each night or morning over several days (hold quarter against wall with nose)
• Wear something uncomfortable every time he does chores such as a butt plug, uncomfortable shoes, or tight/spiked cock cage/harness
• Hard spanking

Those Weird Kinky Moments That Bring Us Closer Together

Sex is an important part of marriage and I believe kink has a rightful place in the marriage as well. Just about every man in the world would not argue with this. It's unfortunate that many women do not recognize this. When a woman ignores the sexual component of her marriage it creates stress in the marriage which can cause her to be distant from her husband, or even worse, it creates risk for an affair to occur.  Men are sexual creatures; this can not be ignored. Women are sexual too, but for men it's much more prevalent and always on their minds.

In a FLR the woman recognizes the importance of sex to the man and uses it as a tool to control him and maintain authority over him. A woman who embraces her husband's submission and sexual desires will create an environment that strengthens the marriage and bring the couple closer together and connected on a deep spiritual level. When done right, a FLR builds an environment where the husband's life evolves around her not just because there are rules, but because he worships her, adores her, and is addicted to her authority and control. In this type of environment, the man feels lucky to be married to his wife and strives to to please her any way he can. The thought of an affair is non-existent.

Many women struggle with embracing their inner Goddess or Mistress. This includes letting their inhibitions go and actively using their husband's sexual desires and fantasies as tools to elevate her control and authority over him. It was something that took me awhile to understand and embrace and when I did, it opened up a whole new world to me. Here is the crazy thing - In talking with a friend of mine (you know who you are :)), we both came to the conclusion that those strange kinky moments brought us closer together with our husbands in a big way.  It's something you have to experience to truly understand. Before I elaborate, I'd like to share a few quotes from Elise Sutton. I consider her an expert on female authority and she has been a wonderful influence on both my husband and I.  In the early years of our FLR, my husband bought me one of her books and it helped me to understand how real and fulfilling a FLR lifestyle is.

"Men create the majority of FemDom art, pictures and images to express how powerful women are in their eyes and how weak they feel in a woman’s presence. These images represent what men are feeling inside."

"So I say to the ladies, please do not get offended by FemDom artwork, videos, or literature, no matter how graphic in nature some of these may be. Instead, look more closely at what is being expressed by the male gender. What are men trying to convey when they produce media that shows men collared and bound at the feet of a woman? Ask yourself, why are sites like The Other World Kingdom so popular with men? What do these pictures say about the male submissive nature?  If a woman will look closer, get over her prudish and self-righteous ways and examine the message more than the content, then she will gain an incredible insight into the male psyche. What is the underlying message to all of these expressions, regardless of the content? Is it not simply the male gender recognizing his need to submit to the female gender? Is it not the inner male child, crying out to be disciplined and trained by the female gender? Is it not the true nature of man breaking forth in his attempt to surrender himself to the female gender?"

The entire article can be found here:  http://femdoming.com/what-is-female-domination-female-supremacy/ 

The article also talks about female superiority, which has been a hot topic here the last few weeks so be sure to check it out.

Ms. Sutton's observations and insights are spot on. Women need to understand that men desire kink and submissive men desire to be dominated by a woman. They want to be spanked, punished, held accountable, and put in an environment filled with rules, strictness, and rituals that reinforce their submission. They are happiest and most productive when they are in this type of environment. When things start turning back to "vanilla" their minds wander back to porn and fantasies and the focus comes off of the their wives. Even in a FLR, this can happen. Overtime, the FLR becomes routine and the spice is lost. Men in this situation overtime will often just accept the situation and even start believing that kinkiness should not be a part of the FLR. I've seen this dynamic play out in forums where you have people who have many years of experience in a FLR.  A new comer posts a kinky experience and then all the old timers blast him for it. In those situations, I think it's the old-timers that need to reevaluate themselves. They've essentially been trained by their wives that the kinky desires are bad or that they should suppress these desires. However, I'm pretty sure deep down, those desires exist in those men and if their wives simply played into them, it would take their marriage to a whole new level and the men would not complain at all.

I'll caveat a few things here. For most men, the need for kink declines when they are older but I don't think it ever goes away. I can tell you my hubby is in his late 40's and is horny as ever.  Also, in more mature relationships there tends to be a less emphasis on kink. I believe it's in the best interest of the marriage to always have some level of kink, but the frequency and intensity of it will vary based on the individuals desires and will probably change over time.

I also want to make it clear that I am not saying the old-timers in my example are unhappy or disconnected in the marriage. The fact that they are in a FLR probably means they are happier and more connected to their wives than most other men who are in vanilla relationships. One can certainly have a FLR without kink. The point I am making is that kink is a powerful tool that brings the couple closer together, makes the marriage happier, contributes to the increasing authority of the wife over the husband and for the husband creates loyalty to his wife. A husband without kink is living like a caterpillar, whereas if he had kink, he could experience his full potential as a butterfly and live a much more fulfilling life. With kink he will happily soar on his submissive wings and bring even greater joy to his wife.

I will share a few of my own personal examples to bring some context to all this theory. When I first married Thomas, I never imagined that many years later I would have him lying over my lap, dressed in frilly panties, and waiting be spanked with my riding crop. I did not even know the concept of orgasm control and denial, or that there were wives that punished their husbands. When Thomas brought those concepts to me I thought it was strange and weird but I kept an open mind about it and gave it a try. It was only after living through these experiences a few times that I began to gain an understanding of why the FLR dynamic worked.

One of my earlier kinky experiences was when I focused on the "little girl" in Thomas. I had put him in panties previously, but this particular time, I was more comfortable in my role and I playfully teased him and talked about how cute he was in panties and told him that he was my little girl. The reaction from him was indescribable. He was quiet, docile, almost blank. I knew he was aroused beyond belief.  He was in subspace.  I think he was shocked that I went "there" and I was a little surprised myself. I felt his vulnerability, his submission to me, and my power over him. He was putty in my hands.

It was a very intimate moment for us. It brought us closer together. The next day he could not thank me enough for doing it. His obedience to me was at an all time high the next few days and his loyalty to me increased. He confessed he was embarrassed by it but that he was also very excited by what happened. He did not understand it, but he loved it. How many husbands and wives have those types of very personal and intimate experiences and discussions? When you can  talk about those things, it creates a special bond. It is wonderful.

I have more examples to share but I will pause there for now. Please share your thoughts or similar experiences. I also encourage all of the women readers to explore the kinky side of the relationship. It's never too late to start. Trust me, your husband will love it and it will do wonders for your relationship. If you have any reservations about this, please share and we can discuss.

-Mz Kaylee

The Superior Female

Some of the comments in the post “The Dominant Part of FLR“ centered on Female Superiority and whether or not females are superior to men. If you search the internet (and I did) you will find articles that make the case for female superiority and articles that make the case for male superiority. Which side is right? Some are a little more scientific than others.  The article below presents a balanced view of both arguments:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/hide-and-seek/201207/the-battle-the-sexes

I never paid much attention to the argument and considered female superiority more fantasy than fact. However, the recent comments have had me thinking about it more. I’ve been reflecting on the behaviors in my own marriage and have begun to wonder if I’ve been subscribing to the female superiority belief on a subconscious level. To start with, Thomas refers to me as Goddess and I do take on that role well J. It actually took many years for me to embrace the role but once I accepted my role as Goddess to Thomas, it unlocked a whole new world for me and our FLR grew in leaps and bounds.  We use the term ‘worship’ quite often. Thomas worships my feet, he worships my panties, and after he massages my body, he thanks me for allowing him to worship my body. Is it really worship or is it fantasy? He regularly kneels before me and kisses my feet. He also kisses my legs, ass, and other body parts before he massages them. These are all signs of worship. Does that make me superior to him?  

Then there is the ownership thing. I feel a sense of ownership in Thomas. How about it  my fellow Goddesses and Mistresses, don’t you feel this too? I know Thomas wants to feel like he’s owned. He is still my husband but it is like he is also my property. I can do what I please with him and he obeys without question. I use him for my pleasure when I want and I use him as a work horse for me and he loves it. When you think about it, over the years I have trained him, shaped him, and molded him. Most of what he does during the day is either for me or because of me. I have shaped his daily behaviors and even molded the way he thinks. I take ownership in that. Does that make me a superior being to him?

Thomas could not imagine a life where he is equal with me and neither could I. We both agree that our marriage is much better and individually we are better people and much happier with me in the lead and him submitting to me. He may be physically stronger than me but I can outsmart him. I know how to push all his buttons and wrap him around my finger and get him to do just about anything. Does that make me stronger than him? I am definitely superior to him in marriage and in life. He has accepted that but does that make me a superior being to him?  Maybe.

Taking the stance of females being superior over males is certainly a great way to embrace the dominant role and there is no doubt in my mind that if both partners embrace this concept their FLR will flourish but is it really just fantasy? Where I struggle the most with the concept is outside of the marriage.  Am I to expect that when Thomas walks into a room of women, he is to accept that he is inferior to all of them? I’m not so sure about that. There are quite a few women that I know, whom I would not consider superior to my husband.  I would expect him to treat all women with respect and go out of his way to accommodate them, but not that he see himself as an inferior human to them. What about when I walk into a room of men….should I feel superior to them?  Hmmm, I like that thought J.  It’s a great thought but I sense that a woman who viewed herself superior to men might come off condescending and will have challenges building relationships and trust with men.  Perhaps that would not matter to the superior woman. If I proclaim myself a superior being to men, what does that matter anyway?  Why is that important?  It’s just another label. 

Please share your thoughts and opinions. It would be great to hear discussions arguing for each side (superiority vs. equality).

-Mz Kaylee

Exerting your Dominance

This post is a followup to the previous post. You all are making it easy to write this post. Your comments have been great and on point to what I was thinking. Much of what was shared are things I would consider a must in a FLR and some are things that are not necessarily "musts" but are practices that enhance and strengthen the FLR and distinguish it from a typical vanilla relationship.

If you recall, the questions we were trying to answer were: what makes a FLR real and not just a game to spice up the marriage; how do you keep it from being vanilla?

From the comments shared, here are the things I consider musts:

1. Orgasm Control -this directs his focus to the wife and gives her authority over him.
2. Formal acceptance of her authority.  No negotiation of the established authority -  formal acceptance is a key distinguishing factor compared to a traditional marriage where the wife is known to "wear the pants."  
3. Inequality - FLR does not exist if there is equality.

Items from the comments that are not required but add to the wife's dominance and keep the relationship from becoming vanilla:

1. Punishment - makes him accountable for his actions and establishes clear lines of power and authority between husband and wife.. The first time he is punished, it brings a new level of reality to the FLR and he learns it's not a fantasy anymore. Punishment also improves obedience.
2. Financial control - Money is a source of power.  When the wife controls the money, she increases her power and authority over him. Without direct access to money, the husband becomes dependent on her and this deepens his submission to her. What better way to pay tribute to your wife than to work hard to earn money and let her spend it how she desires? 
3. He does most of the chores - This one is not on the must list but it is pretty much a staple in every FLR. I can't imagine why a wife would not take advantage of this one. Very early in the FLR the wife may not know enough about FLR or have enough confidence to start assigning chores, but usually she gets there pretty quickly. When it comes to chores, I see two differences in a FLR versus a traditional marriage. First, in a FLR most, if not all, chores are assigned to the husband. The wife is only doing chores that she wants to do or has to do out of necessity. Whereas in a traditional marriage there usually is a balance of work between husband and wife and it is often split based on social norms (e.g. girls clean and guys do the labor intensive work). The other difference is that in a FLR the wife has clear expectations on how and when chores are done and if they are not done according to those expectations, there are consequences for the husband. Before we started a FLR Thomas did his chores his way and I felt I did not have much say. For example, he did the dishes but sometimes he would let them sit until the next day or not put the clean dishes away for days. He did not always wipe the table down either. If I complained about this, he might do better for a few days but then go back to his old habits. If I said something again it would be nagging. Sometimes I would wipe the table and counters and put things away rather than confront him. Now in our FLR, he knows he must have the dishes done every night and wipe the table and counters or he will be punished. I have no reservations about holding him accountable for these expectations.
4. Rituals - many of you described rituals. I loved reading how many guys on a daily basis bend to their knees in front of their wives and proclaim their love and obedience for her.  How wonderful and romantic and a great way to keep the bonds of marriage and FLR strong.

Thank you all for your contributions on this topic.  You captured many key elements of a FLR that separate it from a traditional marriage. In addition to the above, control in the bedroom is another aspect of the FLR. This can be implied with orgasm control but I thought is was worthy of expanding the discussion more. With Thomas I have complete control when it comes to sex and the bedroom activities. Sex is always on my terms and when and how I want it.  He can voice an opinion but I choose whether or not to do anything about it. If I want an orgasm, I get one, His cock belongs to me and is my play toy to use whenever I desire. He pleases me anyway I desire and his pleasure is secondary.  During sex he is always on the bottom, and is not allowed to thrust unless I give permission. He never expects an orgasm but always seeks to give me one. He must always ask for permission to cum, no exceptions to this rule! How a woman chooses to manage the sex and bedroom play is up to her but it should always be on her terms.

It is also important that the wife keeps the FLR evolving. Believe it or not a FLR can become vanilla to the husband and wife. Someone on the outside may not see it as vanilla but for a couple that has been living the same routines over a period of time, those routines can become vanilla and then the relationship loses its spark. Your FLR should be a never ending journey that keeps evolving and growing. I think many women do fall into the routine and that is one of these reasons I started my blog.  There are so many blogs and articles about how to start a FLR but very few address the ongoing challenges of a FLR and what to do after you have established it.  One of my goals for this blog is to share ideas to keep relationships fun, exciting, and evolving.

Each topic above is worth digging into more deeply. I plan to expand on each one in my next few posts. If there is one in particular that you have an interest in, let me know. I also encourage you to read the comments in the previous post. There is great discussion and I have spent time replying to comments. However, I do not want to be the only one responding. Please add your thoughts and opinions to the discussions. Thanks to those of you who have been contributing. I am thrilled to see so many different people commenting and sharing their real life experiences.  Your contributions truly make this blog much more meaningful and a great source of information for both men and women.

Mz Kaylee

The Dominant part of the FLR

Gigi recently posed the question of what makes a FLR real and not just a game to spice up the marriage; how do you keep it from being vanilla?

There are many relationships where the wife is naturally the head of the household.  How many times have you heard someone say, 'Well I know who wears the pants in that relationship"?  Although the woman is in the lead, it is still a vanilla relationship. When I write about FLR, I am not referring to these types of relationships.  I envision the FLR as a formal structured approach to the relationship where the wife has clear lines of authority, dominance, and control over the husband.  I think that is the main point that Ggi is getting to in her question. Before I share my thoughts on this I would like to hear from all of you.  Please share your real experiences with this and what are the things that make it real for you and different than a typical relationship?  What areas clearly show her dominance over you? I also want to add the question of why is this important for you?

Decision Making: Leading versus Dictating

Frequently people mistakenly assume that in a Female Led Relationship (FLR) or Wife Led Marriage (WLM)  the wife makes all the decisions in the relationship and the husband has no say at all. Then there are those who take it a step further and assume that because the wife makes all the decisions, she is only going to make decisions that are best for her, without any care for what the husband wants. These are big misconceptions. I have written on the topic of decision making in a FLR in the past but a recent comment on the I'm Her's blog made me want to revisit the topic. The comment was under the post "United We Stand, Divide We Fall" in July 2017. The reader posed several questions in a few comments, but below is an excerpt that I think captures the essence of the concern"

"..the question always remains how do you know that your partner is correct or right and does blind following of their decisions really lead you as the individual to a better place in life? Will you be a happier partner by following their decisions or will you only be happy for the short term since it suits the dominant partner when they want it to suit them?"

FLR is a complex concept and different thinking compared to traditional marriage and there is a ton of bad advice and incorrect information on the subject so it is easy to be confused about the roles and responsibilities in the FLR. Let's start with the "L" in FLR and WLM. It stands for 'led' which makes the wife the leader of the relationship. A leader is not the same as dictator.  At times, a leader may dictate orders when he/she feels it is in the best interest of the organization (or marriage in this case) but great leaders bring people together and motivate them to excel toward a certain vision. They are good at identifying the strengths and unique abilities of each individual and leveraging those strengths and abilities to help achieve the vision. Those that follow the leader look to her/him for direction, guidance, and motivation. Good leaders inspire people to want to follow them and achieve the vision. A good leader knows the strengths and abilities of each individual and strikes the right balance between empowering her/his followers to do things for her/him versus dictating and making decisions on her/his own.

Those same principles can be applied to the FLR/WLM. In the FLR, the wife has the right to final say in all decisions but she does not have to exercise that right all the time. If there are strengths that her husband has, the best thing she can do is utilize those strengths to help make the right decisions. For example, my husband is very good with finances and money. Therefore if we are going to make a big purchase that requires a loan or if we want to start saving money, he is the one that will figure out the best way to do it.  I may ask him questions or ask him to explore other options. I will expect him to explain his logic but I am pretty much going to agree with what he recommends because he knows more than I do when it comes to finances. 

Likewise, he is great at planning activities. When it comes to vacation I will usually lean on him to do all the research and come up with ideas for vacation, suggestions for hotels, car rentals. etc. I know he will do a good job with it and it saves me time. However, he is not allowed to book anything until we discuss his ideas. During this discussion I will add my input and we will decide together about what to do.  Many times it ends up being different than what his original suggestion was.  If there is ever a difference of opinion that can not be resolved, I get the final say.  He is fine with this as it is part of the deal that he bought into with FLR. In the end we plan a vacation that we both will enjoy. I would not want to plan a vacation that he would not enjoy because that would take away from my enjoyment.

Hopefully you can see that this is not 'blind' following, which was a concern in the comment at the beginning of this post.  I am seeking input from my husband when it comes to the big decisions and often times relying on his recommendations.  In no way does this take away my control or influence over him. In fact, this makes me an even stronger leader as I am making him work for me so that I can make better decisions.  The difference between this and a traditional marriage is that there is an expectation that he can not make big decisions on his own and that I get the final approval and final say on what is to be done. 

Something else to not lose sight of is the reason why the wife married the husband. I can't speak for others but I chose my husband because I enjoy hanging out with him, we have similar ideals, he is supportive of me, intelligent and my best friend. I do not want that to change. I call him slave but that is more for fun. In reality I do not want a mindless slave that just obeys and waits for the next command. I want a husband who is a great companion. Part of that companionship is making big decisions together such as what house to buy, how to remodel the kitchen, and where to go on vacation. In essence, this could be considered the vision that I follow when making decisions (but my marriage vision would encompass much more such as healthy family, supporting kids, etc.). With that perspective it would not make sense for me to expect my husband to blindly follow me and it would not make sense for me to impose rules or make decisions that would leave him completely unhappy.

There may be some women who take a bolder stance on decision making. Every couple is different and for some people a more dictator type approach may work. However, in my opinion, the more extreme/dictator approach the wife takes, the less likely the marriage will remain stable and happy in the long-run. In this extreme case I would agree with the comment at the beginning of this post, that happiness would be short-lived. 

It is also important to recognize differences in peoples abilities and that life is one great learning experience. A younger wife, new to FLR  may not be a strong leader but that should not stop her from embarking on a FLR. There are many different flavors of FLR. She does not have to start out having complete authority over her husband. She can start with small areas that she is comfortable with and increase her breadth of authority over time as she learns and her confidence builds. That's pretty much how it happened with me. My guess is that it is rare to find someone that just jumped in and knew all the right things to do. There is nothing stopping an inexperienced wife from growing into a strong leader.  I disagree with the notion that if a person is not a leader or not dominate that they can not be turned into a leader or dominant person. If they have the desire, the right environment, and encouragement they can change over time. The husband should support her in this endeavor. If the wife makes a mistake or bad decision, then an  apology will suffice. Nobody is perfect. Mistakes and decisions are where we learn the most and when we learn from them it makes us better individuals.

A final thought that I will leave with you is that FLR is a journey that both husband and wife embark on together.  For a FLR to flourish there must be trust, compassion, and love from both husband and wife.  

This is a complex topic that can often cause stress or confusion in a relationship so please chime in with your thoughts or questions.  I expect that people will have different views on this so I am looking forward to the discussion.

-Mz Kaylee

The Busy Dominant Wife - Closing Remarks

Phew!  I finally finished this series.  Hopefully, you found the posts informative and thought provoking and I hope you've gotten a few good ideas to use. I am thrilled with all the comments and discussion on the posts. I was away on vacation for awhile so I apologize for not getting some of the comments published in a timely fashion. They are all published now.  I encourage all of you to go back to the comments sections in each of the posts and read what others have posted and continue the discussion. Often times the comments from others provide great additional insights and ideas.

The last few posts in these series touched on the kinkier aspects of FLR.  This was purposeful as I have learned that using kink and playing into a man's sexual side are powerful tools for motivating men. Tapping into these tools when you are busy are great ways to keep his attention on you and motivate him to serve and obey you when you don't have a lot of time or energy to give him the usual attention. In the comments on this series of posts, some of the submissive boys pointed out that not all the tasks need to be kinky or sexually related; that a simple order or assignment to help the wife would motivate them or make them happy.  That advice is helpful to keep in mind, especially when you are overworked and need help. Commanding your husband to do something for you is a way to bring out his submissive happiness. Take note that I used the word 'Commanding." Commanding him to do something is much more impactful than asking him to do something.

Many of the ideas I shared I have used and some I have not. I encourage you to try a few of the ideas that were presented in the series. I even recommend that you pick one or two that seem off the wall and give them a try.  You may be surprised at how excited your man gets and how submissive he becomes. You may even be surprised at how excited you become.  I remember the first time I used a butt plug on Thomas.  It was his idea and I thought it was strange but I did it to humor him. However, his reaction/emotional language from having the plug in him struck an erotic nerve in me and really excited me.  I did not expect it.  Sometimes the strangest things turn into the most exciting things.  If you try something new and it does not work, no harm done. You can laugh about it and move on.

The kinkier ideas are fun but certainly should not be what your relationship is based around. The most important point that I would like you to take from this series of posts is that it is critical to find one-on-one time with each other.  No matter how busy you are, you need to set time aside where you can talk regularly and where you can just have fun together.  This will keep your relationship strong and a strong relationship with your spouse will help you flourish in other areas in your life and get you through the tough times.

The next important point that I want to emphasize is to lean on your husband during the busy times. If you try to get through the busy or tough situations by yourself, he will feel isolated and will be desperate for your attention, which will most likely lead to relationship issues that you will have to deal with on top of the other stress.  Instead, make him work for you. Focus your efforts on training, disciplining, and if needed punishing him to get things done for you.  Initially this may take some work on your part to get him 'trained' on what needs to be done.  However, in the long-term he will become a big help to you and ease your stress.  This managing approach makes you an even stronger leader, elevates your authority over him and will bring out the submission in him even more. He will love helping you.

Many of you wrote me and told me that you share the posts with your spouse.  It makes me happy to hear that and I  hope this leads to more fun for you and a stronger relationship.  If you use any of the ideas from my posts or you discover that your wife is suddenly using them on you, please share your experiences, good or bad. I want to know how it went or if it led to even new adventures.

-Mz Kaylee

The Busy Dominant Wife - Part V

Technique 2: Give him assignments, tasks, and new rules that reinforce your authority over him, surface his submissive emotions, and/or arouse him.

The primary goals of these "submissive assignments" are to keep his mind in submissive mode, keep him aroused, and keep him thinking about serving and obeying you.These assignments focus on the psychological aspects of your control over him.  Submissive assignments are perfect for the busy domme because once assigned, they take very little of her time.  The submissive on the other hand, spends his day (or in some cases several days) focused on the assignment. During the assignment he feels the wife's control even though she is not present.  In essence, a perceived reality of dominance is created for him while the Dominant Wife is off doing her day-to-day things.

Some examples are below.  As a reminder, these types of things are not key to a FLR and it is up to you to choose whether or not to implement them. They are fun ideas that are easy to do and can help keep your submissive husband's arousal and submissive desires heightened, which in turn motivates him to serve you.

Order him to research FLR articles for you and domination techniques.  You can keep it broad or ask him to research a specific topic such as chastity or cuckolding.  Remember that the goal is to keep him submissive, aroused, and thinking about serving you.  Therefore, the topics you pick do not have to be things you are thinking about.  It can be fun to give him a topic that is outside of what your currently do because it will make him start to wonder if you are considering doing it.  Imagine if you asked him to research cuckolding. You could have some fun with that one by not committing one way or the other whether you want to do it or you could hint that the idea turns you on a bit (even though it may not and you never intend to do it). That kind of mental teasing drives submissive men wild and plays into their submissive desires.  His mind will go wild with fantasies of being a cuckold to you.  Other strategies include picking a topic that is a turn on for him, picking a topic that you want to learn more about, or letting him choose what to bring back to you (this will give you an idea of what he is fantasizing about).

There are many benefits with this technique and I use it often. Through the research process he will have to read many different articles and blogs and put together a summary of what he has read or print out some of the good articles for you to read. This repetitive reading about FLR and femdom will most definitely put his mind in submissive mode and cause his mind to fantasize about being in those situations, which of course will keep him in a very aroused and obedient state.  The repetitive reading is also good training for him.  He will learn things that will make him a better servant to you. Another benefit is that you will get good educational material and ideas for yourself.  You may find that a lot of the information is not really what you are looking for but if you get just one or two good ideas or advice from his research, then it is a great thing. Having him do research for you is also a time saver for you since he does all the reading and eliminates duplicate information and weeds out the garbage (although you have to be careful that he does not take too much liberty in determining what is garbage).  Once you have the articles or summary from him you can read them at your leisure. Sometimes I will read it while he massage my feet and then comment on things or ask him questions about what ideas he likes.

Over the years I have learned a tremendous amount from these readings and have picked up many great ideas that I have applied to my FLR.  Also, for me in the early years,  some of the information helped to validate that what I was already doing was a good thing. When I would read that others were doing some of the same things I was doing it gave me more confidence that I was going down the right path.

Order him to find one or two videos or erotic stories about a certain topic of your choosing or of a scene that really turns him on.  I am sure some of you are surprised that I am suggesting this one.  After all, it is common for women who start taking authority over their husband to cutoff his porn habit. However, the difference here is that you are giving him specific direction and permission to do it. You are giving meaning and purpose to what he is doing and linking it back to you.  He will not be looking at porn solely for his own satisfaction. He will be looking at it with the purpose of pleasing you and hoping that you will make the scene come to reality with him.  It is very important that you are clear in your direction to him that he is doing it for you.  You can have fun with it and tell him that you are ordering him to do this so that you get ideas on how to drive him wild because you know it will make him weaker and give you more control over him.  You can tell him that you are giving this task simply to tease him because you know how excited he will get by it.  Be creative and have fun. The redirection of his thought process towards you instead of just generic selfish pleasure is powerful and can strengthen his submissive desires toward you.   The irony here is that you are taking something that is often a deterrent to a good relationship and turning it into a tool to gain authority over him.  The benefits of this assignment are very similar to the research assignment noted above. I have picked up a few ideas from the videos.  Watching another women tease/dominate a man can be very educational and informative and more insightful than reading about it.  Use this technique with caution and sparingly as you do not want to create a porn habit.

Order him to do assignments that keep him focused on you and his submission  These are assignments that play into his submissive desires.  For example, have him clean and organize all your shoes.  Submissive men love to kneel at a woman's feet or worship their feet. Shoes are associated with your feet and so the simple task of cleaning them will stir up those submissive desires and may even excite him.  For added fun, make him kiss each one before cleaning it or require him to put his nose inside each one and smell your beautiful scent before cleaning.  These little tasks will drive him wild.  Link the task back to you by telling him that as a Goddess, you deserve to have clean shoes and it his job as your slave to keep them clean.

Another idea is to have him hand wash your panties.  Men go crazy over panties and so this will surely excite him and surface his submission.  Require that he kiss or sniff your scent from each pair before cleaning. With Thomas I refer to this as worshiping my panties. Trust me on this one Ladies, he will love this requirement.  Give him the direction to wash each pair individually so that he can admire and worship each of your beautiful panties.

Other ideas include having him polish your latex fetish wear, clean your sex toys, practice sucking a dildo so he can perform well for you, refolding your lingerie, and shopping for you to buy you things like panties, lingerie, toys, or shoes. Be creative and have fun with these assignments.  The goal is to give him something to do that will stir up his submissive desires and keep him focused on his obedience to you.  If he has any type of "hot button" or fetish, find assignments that play into those fetishes.  You are most definitely tapping into the kink part of the relationship with these assignments.

Be sure to talk up the assignment and link it back to you or his submission.  The more you can attach emotion and meaning to the assignment, the more effective it will be in creating that perceived dominance while he is doing it and the more submissive he will feel while doing it.  I also like to tell him that he must be fully aroused (erect) before beginning his assignment.  This is usually not an issue for him. lol!   These are assignments that can be done on his own time when you are not around.  Simply give him the orders and a due date or time.  If he does not complete these assignments to your expectations, issue a punishment and have him do them again.

Technique 3:  Order him to masturbate for you  
When you just don't have the time to tease him, make him do it to himself.  You can have him do it while you are sitting in bed reading, watching TV, or sitting at a table doing work.  The order is simple - "tease yourself to the edge but no cumming."  You can also make him lick-up any leakage.  If you trust that your husband will obey you and can restrain himself from orgasm, you can order him to masturbate outside of your presence.  For example, during times when I've been really busy and have had no time to tease him, I have ordered Thomas to masturbate to the edge every morning in the shower.  While he did it, he was to think about how wonderful it is to be my submissive husband and server and obey me.  It can also be fun to have him do it in the middle of day at work or at a random time when he is out.  He has to find a bathroom or private place to do it.  Be sure to order him to think about you while he is stroking.  These little "worship" sessions will keep him focused on you during the day.  You can give him the instructions in advance or you can be spontaneous.  Why not send him a text one day while he is at work that simply says,,,"I want you to spend 5 minutes worshiping me before you leave work today"?  Make sure he reports back when it's done :)

Just to be clear this is not an open order for him to masturbate.  You are controlling when and how he masturbates.  You are giving specific direction on what he is to do and what he is to think about while masturbating.  He is masturbating not because he wants to but because you want him to masturbate for you.  Therefore, you are in complete control of the situation and still have authority over him. This is a very effective technique to control him.  However, it should only be used if you have confidence that he can refrain from orgasm.

That is all the techniques for now.  I will follow-up with one more post with closing remarks.  If you have any more ideas, please share.

The Busy Dominant Wife Part IV-Wearing Items For You

In part III of this series I ended the discussion referencing the importance of orgasm control.  It is important to understand that orgasm control is not just about controlling when your man can orgasm, it is about sexually teasing him and continually stoking his sexual desires.  That is a core motivator for men.  It is important that you play into his submissive desires and sexual energy in order to keep him motivated to serve you. When he is motivated, it makes your life much easier.   In my ideal state, I am teasing Thomas a few times a day, mostly just enough to give him an erection and then I walk away. During busy times my teasing will drop to a few days a week and sometimes it might only happen once a week.  If it goes longer than once a week I start to notice the negative effect on Thomas.  In addition to the teasing, during the busy times I also try to have some type of sexual play at least once a week.  Sometimes it becomes less frequent. During those less frequent times I feel we become somewhat distant or not as connected so I try my best to stick to at least once a week,

The right frequency and intensity  of teasing and sexual play will vary among couples.  You have to find the right balance for you and your husband, Think of the teasing and sexual play as maintenance to keep your husband going and performing at his best, similar to maintenance on a car.  If you don't maintain your car by changing the oil, doing tune-ups, or other recommended maintenance, it will still work for you but it's performance is going to decline slowly to the point where you're going to eventually have problems. However, if you keep up with the maintenance (teasing and sexual play) it's going to be reliable and always performing well for you.

Luckily for us, it is easy to tease men and play into their sexual energy and submissive desires,  A big part of female control and male submission is emotional or psychological.  By focusing on the mental aspects of his submission, you can have a huge effect on your man with little effort.  Spending just a few minutes to wire his brain can change his entire day and keep him submissive and focused on you even though you are not with him during the day.  This is the fun part of FLR in my opinion.  I am going share a few simple and easy to implement techniques that will play into your man's submissive desires and that will keep him aroused and motivated to serve and obey you.

Before, I get into the ideas, I want to make it clear that these are simply ideas and are not essential to a FLR.  You can choose whether or not you want to use some of them, all of them, or none at all.  While they are not essential or key to the relationship, I think they are great ideas that can add spice to your relationship and motivate your husband to obey you and treat you like a Goddess.

Technique 1: Require him to wear things for you. I want to emphasize the words "require" and "for you" in this technique.  By requiring him to wear certain things and letting him know that he is doing it for you, to please you or to obey you, it creates that feeling of submission and obedience in his mind when he is putting the item on and wearing it. Some examples:

Cock rings - These are great visual and physical reminders that he is submissive to you. The fun part of cock rings is that they enhance his erection and make it harder and more sensitive.  If he starts to get aroused during the day because of a random sexual thought (and men do that all the time), the cock ring has a multiplying effect on that arousal which leads to an erection that is hard to prevent.  Without a cock ring he may be able to suppress his arousal and prevent a full erection.  With a cock ring, this is harder to do.  Additionally, once he is erect with the cock ring, it takes longer for his erection to go away.  The result is that he may end up with several erections and longer lasting erections during the day that he normally would not have. It becomes a self-tease for him.  I also get a laugh knowing that when he is at work or in public, there may times that he can't get up from his seat because he has an erection (Thomas has told me of such situations in the past).  I have several different ring types that I use with Thomas.  One is a wide metal ring with the words "Mz Kaylee's Slave" engraved on it.

Ribbon - Have him tie a pretty silk pink ribbon around the base of his cock as a reminder of his submission to you.  This does not have the sane physical results as the ring, but it can have a big emotional effect.  For the first time, tie it on him yourself and make sure he understands it is a symbol of your ownership of him and his obedience to you you.  These words and the act of you tying it on him are the little things that have a big mental effect on him. He will remember what you say each time he sees the ribbon and it will excite him.  Emphasize how pretty and cute it looks on him (you'd be amazed at how this kind of talk excites many men).  Require him to change it to a purple ribbon mid-day and check when he gets home from work to ensure he did it.  Changing the ribbon mid-day redirects his mind from his work/daily activity to you and your authority over him. The act of taking off the pink ribbon and putting on the purple ribbon is an act of submission and obedience and will most likely cause him to be aroused and will probably have a lasting effect on him throughout the rest of the day.  He may also be thinking about it throughout the morning, knowing that he has to do it.  Can you see how this simple requirement can put your husband in submissive mode all day, all while you are doing your normal daily activities?

Butt Plug - For most men, this one is going to really put him in submissive mode.  With Thomas, I notice an immediate change in his demeanor when he has a plug in. He becomes very submissive, compliant, and a little quieter. Often time he can not concentrate with the plug in when I talk to him, which can be humorous.  You simply can not ignore or forget about a plug in your ass.  Thomas has described it as a form of bondage because his body naturally wants to force it out but once it settles in, it goes nowhere and it is not a normal feeling.  Every time he moves, stands up, or sits down, he feels the plug. Sitting can often become uncomfortable, requiring him to shift around a bit.  Anytime there is movement, there is potential for it to stir up his arousal again. The constant feeling of being filled and shifting around, keeps most men in a heightened submissive state-of-mind  Thomas is always horny when wearing the plug so it is a great tease for him. The plug can be a challenge to wear all day but it can be done.  However, if your husband has never done it, it may be something to try for shorter periods.  You could require him to wear it when he gets home from work and he can remove it when all his chores are done or wear it while you go shopping together, out to dinner, or as part of your nightly routine.  I have Thomas wear the plug every now and then.  It is not something I use on a regular basis but when I do, it has a profound effect on him.

Panties There is something magical about panties and men. When you order a man to wear them it puts him into submissive mode and makes him docile and obedient.  The soft clingy fabric has a much different feel than men's underwear so it is sure to keep his attention all day.  The embarrassing stigma associated with a man wearing panties can be very exciting and arousing for submissive men. It is a strange dynamic that's hard to explain.  Both my husband and I do not fully understand it but what I do know is that he can not help but get an erection every time he slips on a pair.  Not all men have the same reaction, but I bet there are more men then we think that get excited by thought of being forced into a pretty pair of panties.  I believe that even men who don't think this is for them may be surprised at their own reaction if they really were coerced into a nice frilly pair so I say go for it and give it a try.  For the newer panty wearer, having him wear panties under his clothes to work will surely keep him guessing if others know his little secret and can tell if he is wearing panties. It can turn any normal day into quite an adventure for him.  If he already wears panties, this may be a good time to change things up a bit and try something new. Pantyhose, stockings, or a feminine undershirt can all be worn discretely under his clothes.  A fresh new pair of silky or frilly panties can also stir-up new excitement in him.  There are also double-lined silk panties that are extra frilly and silky which are made specifically for men.  You can purchase these online.  If regular panties are becoming too normal for him, these are sure to stir up new emotions in him.

There are many other things that you can experiment with such as matching panties, an engraved ankle bracelet, or a collar.  These items can be engraved with special words such as 'slave' or 'Property of Mistress....." or "Mistress's Pet."  Thomas has a special pair of silk boxers that have the words "Property of Mistress Kaylee" imprinted on them.

I will write about the next technique in the next post.

-Mz Kaylee

Comments and Other Things.....

Hi all.  I've been out of town for several days so I am running behind on the next part of the Busy Dominant but I will have it posted soon.  It is great to see all the comments and those who are sharing their Ideal FLR State. I was impressed at what I saw when I returned home.  I will comment once I get up caught so please keep them coming.

Something that has come up in discussion in the comments is quantity versus quality when it comes to this blog. Gigi and John I appreciate you honesty and candor in this discussion.  The reality is that I I have other priorities that keep me from posting regularly and I do not foresee that changing anytime soon.  I hope the blog can still be a regular source of information for those interested in FLR. In addition to my posts, the comments are a good source of information as well that often continue long after the post.  I like Gigi's idea of getting more people to comment.  Unfortunately these blogs are not very conducive to conversation but I have an idea. I once took an online class in which the professor required us to post a thought every week.  Then within a few days each person had to pick another person's comment and respond to it.  Let's give that a try.  Please pick at least one other person's comment in the Busy Dominant series of posts or in the Ideal FLR State post and respond to it.  You can agree or compliment them, inquire about more information/ask them to elaborate, provide a counter view, or share a similar example.  If you haven't commented yet then go ahead and jump in and provide your thoughts.  Are you up for the task?

-Mz Kaylee

The Busy Dominant Wife - Part III Date Nights and the Less Than Ideal State

I hope you are enjoying this series.  Several days ago I posted a question to ask what your ideal FLR state is.  Thanks so much John D and Gigi for responding.  I hope many more will respond so that we can learn from each other.  There is no wrong answer.  Everyone is different and what's right for you may be different than someone else. I also believe that taking the time to think about your ideal state and writing it down is great exercise to get you moving in that direction or to maintain the state. Years of research suggest that those who write down their goals are more likely to achieve them than those that don't write them down so get writing....:)

In Part II of this topic, John Dalton commented about "using FLR as a tool of strength to overcome issues rather than a toy to discard when there is no time to play." That is a fantastic analogy and a great mindset for Women leaders.  We should always be looking to our FLR and submissive husband as tools to get things done and make our life better and happier. When things get tough or busy we need to rely on the strength of the FLR and deal with the challenges within the framework of the FLR. Even though it may be initially easier to do things ourselves, for the benefit of the relationship it is important to delegate responsibilities and tasks to our husbands. In the long-run it is better for the relationship and is better for you.  Below are a few more strategies to use to keep your FLR from going off the track during the busy times.

3. Schedule Date Nights and Getaways - A regular date night is a great way to stay connected and is a common technique that many couples use. Planned date nights ensure that you spend quality time together.  Weekly is nice but can be a challenge during busy times or if your have kids due to the need for a baby sitter (which can also get expensive). Some of my friends do date nights and monthly seems to be the common schedule. Thomas and I have monthly date nights.  We write it in our calendar so that we do not forget. There is no need for you to be the one to plan the night either.  When I am busy I leave it up to Thomas to plan the date.  However, I must approve his plans.  Usually it's just dinner and drinks or a movie.  Sometimes we'll spend the day together at a festival or a day of shopping together.  On occasion we'll go out with friends but most times it's just us two because the goal of date night is to spend time with each other.  If we are lucky and get the house to ourselves, we may just stay in and have some fun together :). You can spice up the date nights by incorporating some of the fun ideas, which will be discussed in my subsequent posts.

Overnight getaways with each other are also a great way to stay connected and in my opinion, a must have.  I will plan at least 2 overnight trips each year. It can be a long weekend or just an overnight trip. These getaways do not have to be fancy or expensive. The point is to spend time focused on each other.  We will often stay within a few hours drive of home and stay at a cheap hotel or bed and breakfast. The nearby city or small historic towns are great destinations because usually there are activities nearby or nightlife that you can enjoy.  When away, it easy to forget about the day-to-day stresses and activities and focus on each other.  I have some of my best times with my husband on these short getaways and we tend to let our inhibitions run a little wild, which makes for even more fun.  When we return home I am usually feeling refreshed and more dominant and his submission and obedience are at high levels.


3 Plan For a Less Than Ideal State but don't lose site of the ideal state. When busy times hit, you are not going to be able to keep your ideal FLR state intact.  However, rather than let things just fall to the wayside, it's better to proactively figure out what will work and put a plan in place to make it happen.  Set aside a 1/2 hour each week to reflect on the previous week and plan out the new week. Write down the plan and share it with your husband. This 1/2 hour a week of planning will go a long way in helping you stay connected to your husband, getting him involved with helping you, and getting you through the busy time and eventually back to the ideal state.

Review your ideal state and then figure out what things can still be easily maintained and what things will need to change.  There are some no-brainers. For example, he should still keep up with his usual chores. With Thomas, I would expect him to always make my morning coffee. Your orgasm control  and authority over him most definitely needs to stay intact. You may give him a little leeway in doing things or making decisions, but for bigger decisions he should defer to you and he should still be held accountable for inappropriate decisions.

Things that may need to change are items that affect your time or energy level. If daily massages won't work, designate one or two days a week for massages or tell him they will be on an "as-demanded" basis and he needs to always be ready to give you one. If you don't have time for regular discipline sessions, make them less frequent or provide the discipline feedback via notes, texts, or quick conversations. Focus on the bigger items that need correction and not the small battles. The discipline jar technique that I wrote about in a post last year has been very effective for me to provide discipline with little effort and good results.  Also, make sure you assign him new chores or tasks to help you out. To free up your time, think about temporarily delegating tasks that you would normally not have him do.  If things are hectic for you, he should share in it and be doing everything possible to help you.  A FLR is a perfect structure for this so take advantage of it!   If you delegate several small things to him, it can take a lot of stress off you and it frees up time for you to do the leading in the FLR.  

Maintain the perspective of the leader and not the "do-er" in the relationship.  Your first reaction should not be to jump in and do things. It is very easy to fall into that trap. Instead, your first thought should be, 'how can I get him to help me?' By spending time planning, delegating, and training him to do things for you, it will make your life a lot easier and keep the FLR strong.  Do not lose sight of the fact that the submissive husband craves to be dominated and told what to do. Use that to your advantage!!  Be dominant and confident and order him firmly to do things for you.  He will love it and it will help you.
Trust me, he would gladly work his ass of for you if he knows he's going to get a nice "rub" as a reward or it will free you up for intimate time together.

This brings me to another important point. Making time for the 'rubs' and intimacy is important. Your planning needs to factor in not only your needs but also things to keep your husband motivated, obedient, and submissive.  This is where many women struggle and often fail with the FLR. If you are like me, when I get busy or stressed, sex is the last thing on my mind so admittedly during hectic times it takes a conscious effort from me to keep the intimacy and sexual energy going. On the flip side, men are highly sexual creatures. During good times, bad times, sad times, and stressful times, they are thinking about sex. It is always on their mind. That is how the male is wired.  When the sexual energy from you suddenly drops or cuts off, it negatively impacts his attitude. He becomes demotivated and can even be depressed.  He may be doing his best to support you but on the inside he is most likely struggling with the lack of sexual attention. In an ideal world this would not happen, but lets face it, the male reaction is not always ideal. If you think back to the basics of FLR, orgasm control and teasing is one of the core techniques used in just about every FLR. That is because men are highly motivated by sex.  You need to use this to your advantage, no matter what the situation.

This makes for a good stopping point.  In my next post I will write more about orgasm control and get into the the fun ideas.  Hope you are enjoying this series of posts.  Please send feedback, thoughts, questions, or ideas...

-Mz Kaylee

What is Your Ideal State?

I will have the next part of "The Busy Dominant Wife" published soon.  In the meantime I would like to hear from each of you on what is your ideal FLR state?  I wrote about this in my last post and described my ideal state.  Remember that it is not your fantasy.  It is a realistic state in your FLR based on your current situation, which takes into account both your needs & desires and your partner's needs & desires.  The ideal state can change and evolve over time.  If you have a desire to achieve a certain ideal state over a longer period of time, that is fantastic.  If you'd like you can describe your current ideal state and the ideal state that you hope to achieve in the future.

I would love to hear from both Woman Leaders and male submissives: What is your ideal FLR state? Are you currently in that state? It will be interesting to see if there is a difference between Women and men (please state if you are M or F if it is not obvious from your name).


-Mz Kaylee

The Busy Dominat Wife Part II - Putting a Strategy In Place

In my last post I introduced the concept that when things get busy it often becomes a challenge to keep the structure of the FLR in place. However, it is during the busy times in which the leader should lean more on the FLR structure to help get through the busy time and reduce stress. In this post, I will provide suggestions on how to avoid falling out of the FLR routine and how to maintain your authority and control during the busy times. The post focuses on a few "theory" type ideas.  My later post will get into some fun practical ideas for you to implement.

First the theory - think about what your ideal day-to-day FLR state would be.  Make sure it is realistic and not fantasy. It should take into consideration what you want as well as the needs of your husband. For me it would include things like coffee made for me every morning, hubby keeps up with chores, nightly foot rubs and massages, discipline sessions twice a month, he pleasures me several times a week, his orgasms are 6 - 8 weeks apart, he receives several quick teases from me daily and more intense teasing at least once a week, etc.

The ideal state is what you should strive to achieve on a day-to-day basis for at least 50% of the time during the year. When you hit those times when it is not achievable, the best thing you can do is recognize the situation and put a plan in place to keep as much intact as you can.  If the situation is short-lived, then it may be as simple as communicating to your husband that over the next week or two things are going to be hectic and that you expect him to still be on his best behavior.  You could have him do an extra chore or two to help you.

If it is going to be longer, then thoughtful planning can go a long way in helping you get through the tough time while also keeping the FLR intact and keeping your husband motivated. Situations that can put a strain on the FLR include, a project at work that requires extra hours over a period of time, taking a class while also working, taking care of a sick parent, or multiple kids activities such as sports, play, and clubs. As a parent of teenagers, I certainly have been one of those people caught up in the whirlwind of activities that consume most of my time.  It is the joy of my life to be involved with the kids activities but I also know it is important to spend time with my husband.

When the busy times hit here are a few strategic things that you can do to not lose focus and time with your partner:

1. Talk to him about the situation and tell him you need his help during the busy time. This sets the expectation that things are going to change a bit.  Also, a submissive man will be more than happy to help. Remember, his motivation is to serve you and make you happy.  You could play into his submissive nature and demand that he help you.  Let him know that even though you may not have time to watch him closely, you expect him to keep up with his chores.  By taking a firm and authoritative tone when talking about this, it will stir up his submissive desires and motivate him to work for you.

2. Plan "touch points" with your husband during the day and week.  Quality alone time with each other is usually what suffers the most during the busy times. Force yourself to spend time together even if it is just a few minutes a day.  Morning and evening are great times for this since these are the times you are most likely to be home together. It's as simple as waking up together and being in the same room.  I leave for work before him but he wakes up at the same time as me and will get ready for work with me.  In the evenings, go to bed together or establish a bed time routine.  In my house my husband stays up later to do chores :) but when I go to bed he comes up with me and irons my clothes and gets his clothes ready for the next day.  Then when I am in bed he goes back to his chores. Just being together for this short-time is enough to have quick conversations and catch up on things and stay connected with each other.  Other things you can do is have breakfast together, a quick call during the day, or require him to text you during the day or evening. Leaving him notes is another way to create a touch point. I use notes frequently when I am busy. I can write them anytime during the day when I have free time and then leave them for him to read in the evening or morning.  I will use notes to give him tasks and assignments to do, express dissatisfaction and issue punishments, instruct him what to wear during the day, or to express my appreciation/satisfaction for his obedience.

You can also incorporate routines and rituals into these touch points which will reinforce your authority, satisfy his submissive needs and keep him motivated. Our bedtime routine is that when I am ready for bed Thomas will go upstairs and get naked and put his robe on.  He will make sure a dry towel is in the bathroom for me.  If I am taking a bath he will draw the bath for me.  When I undress he will have my robe ready for me to put on.  Sometimes I will make him undress me, other times I will just have him remove my panties.  When I am in the bathroom he goes about his usual business but when I come out he comes back to the bedroom to iron my clothes.  If there is anything I need him to do, he will do it for me.  He will also give me a massage, which includes kissing my body as he massages. If I desire, he will pleasure me.  Then it's off to bed for me and he is off to finish his chores.  When things get busy, the massages may not happen but he is still required to do all the other things and I do require him to kiss my feet every night when possible.  There are some nights where our schedules are way off and we can not stick to the routine. However, the expectation from me is that when we are home together, the routine will occur unless there is some unusual situation. Having that routine is an effective way to feed his submissive desires. I certainly enjoy having him wait on me hand and foot but the little things like requiring him to be naked, requiring him to remove my panties every night, and requiring him to kiss my feet are motivators for him.  These requirements help set the relationship apart from a traditional marriage and feed his submissive desires.

Some other ideas for morning or night routines are:

• Require him to kneel and kiss your feet or other part of your body before bed or each morning when you wake up
• Have him kneel silent while you dress and get ready for work (during this time you can order him to do things for you and help you get dressed)
• Have him dress/undress you
• Have him get your shoes for you or put them away, and have him put your shoes on/take them off.  

These are all things that do not add time to your routine and some of them will even help you so they are ideal routines during your busy time. You don't have to do these every night either.  You can pick certain days of the week that he must do these things (slave nights), you can change the routine each week, or you can randomly require him to do them. For example, once when I was busy and had not been spending much time with Thomas, I woke him up early one weekday morning and handed him a note before I went into the bathroom. The note instructed him to put on a pair of panties that were on my dresser and kneel quietly by my dresser and wait for me.  When I came in he was kneeling and hard as a rock (exactly what I expected!). I proceeded to get ready for work while he knelt and watched me.  I had him dress me and put my shoes on.  I referred to him as slave frequently and he was not permitted to talk until I left for work.  I ordered him to wear the panties to work that day.  This whole routine did not add any time to my schedule, other than the time to write the note but it left a lasting impression with Thomas, fed into his submissiveness, and energized him to keep obeying me. It is also worked well with our schedule because the kids were sleeping during this time.  The randomness of it caught him off guard, which seemed to excite him even more. I only did it once but it had a lasting effect.

When you are busy, these touch points and routines will be a tremendous help in keeping you connected with your submissive husband and keeping him motivated to serve and obey you.  During your busy times, if you can incorporate at least one routine daily, that is ideal. I would recommend that at a minimum you do one or two of the routines twice a week and have daily touch points.  I personally enjoy being pampered and treated like a queen so I enjoy the routines.  However, I want to emphasize that employing these routines during busy times is a planned strategy by you to keep him motivated and submissive.  The primary purpose of these routines is not for your direct benefit.   This is the "maintenance" to keep him submissive to you.  For example, when a man kneels naked before his wife, removes her panties, and stares into her sex or upward at her naked body because he is required to, it sends a message to him that he is submissive to her, beneath her, and under her control.  Doing this regularly keeps him submissive, obedient, and happy.

In my next post I will write about planning for date nights and the "less than ideal state."